September
9-9-99
I decided on September 1st (my 20th Birthday) I would start this page... so I did... But I was all depressed and hated my entry. Then I tried to get the page up and it didn't work so I took a week break, and now I'm back and I have this up and going. I like how it looks for the most part. Pretty simple, but it looks nice and I did it by myself and so I think it's fine! So I am a junior in college and I think college people are fascinating. We're basically a bunch of almost adults (some more than others) and we're all SO CONFUSED! it's kind of hilarious in a way I guess. I guess it's also kind of scary. Hopefully we'll all get to get our act together before we have to really be adults. My life is in no ways exciting, just normal daily stuff. My summer's are exciting, I get to travel then, but during the year I don't see anything in my life which will be of great excite to ANYONE... but I wanted to do an online diary anyways. We'll see how personal I get on this page. Like everyone I have my own secrets and maybe I'll spill here eventually. I guess at the same time they are not really secrets, just symptoms of society I'd really say. I mean we all want to be special and loved and although we should feel it all the time I believe noone really does. Even those who are really loved by any number of people (like i'm lucky enough to be) we still feel unloved and lonely (especially lonely) sometimes. Ok well I WASN'T going to get all depressed and psychological on you for the FIRST entry... but well... too late :) Ok I'm off to study, like I should've been 2 hours or so ago. :) I swear the internet is killing (as well as helping) my education! :)
9-17-99
How did a week and a half or so pass without me even realizing it? It's Friday night and I'm bored and tired. It's only 8:49pm and I have nothing to do but sit on my butt at the computer. Then again I don't really FEEL like doing anything. I'm tired and don't feel like going out or anything. I am so weird. I mean I'm content and hate just hanging out in my room by myself essentially doing nothing... just listening to music and watching the time pass. I've always been a solitary person, but I'm not comfortable with that. There IS a difference between solitary and isolated and I sometimes don't know what I REALLY am... solitary or isolated. Anyways, I'm training for softball for next year. I'm really excited for a good season. This may be the first time in my entire life that I'll feel like I'm on a "real" team. I mean a team that really works hard and works together and is successful and happy and in love with the game and I guess kind of with each other. The aspect of something as "real" I've always thought was really weird. For example, from the outside of things whether it be a team sport, club, theatre production, etc. etc. it always looks so real and amazing, but all those things that end up looking real from the outside change when you're on the inside. From the inside you see the conflicts, the hard work (does that REALLY make it LESS real though or maybe it makes it MORE real?) I don't know if that makes sense. I've talked to other people about it before. Some people get it others just don't.
I have so many things I could write about, but I don't know if I want to write it here. Being true and real and honest with the world is so difficult sometimes. I think it's because so many of us really truly don't know who we are or what we're about. When people ask me who I am I think of labels for myself, or what I like to do, or my values and morals, but it's so hard to actually define who I am. Recently I tend to think of myself as my own psyche. Maybe it's cause I'm a psych major. Probably. I'm searching in myself and I think that causes me to see my psyche cause I'm kinda trying to heal my life wounds. (How psych major does THAT sound!) What can I saw my mom's a therapist too... so I get psychology from all over the place. It IS pretty interesting to me though. I mean why do people do what they do. It seems like the "newest problem" with our society is the shootings which have been occuring in schools, community centers, churches, etc. Why do people do those things? From the outside we really can't tell, but they must have SOME reason. So many times they end up turning the gun on themselves (or at least TRYING to turn the gun on themselves.) Suicide is such a scary thing. The person can't see any other way out. A friend of mine once said that he was worried he'd just disappear and noone would remember him. Maybe these people who committ the shootings don't want to be forgotten. This is not always the case... maybe it's never the case. Sometimes it has to do with hate crimes and such, but I don't know. I think it's wrong, but it's interesting to try and find their point of view. They must have one. But I think it's never thought of. I've never been close enough to a shooting that it has STRONGLY personally effected me and I think that's why I can look at it from that point of view. I think if a shooting killed someone I know I could never think of things from "the other person's" point of view. I'm just not "big enough" to do something like that. Wow I've written a lot. How the heck am I supposed to end a diary entry. Wish I had some really great quote or philosophical point I could put at the end... ummm... but i don't.
9-19-99
Ahhh procrasination... I swear I'd do anything but homework. Gossip... I've never understood it. Talking about friends, complaining, bitching, etc. etc. I understand those things but gossip and/or trashtalking i just don't get. It makes me uncomfortable and I just don't see it as anyone's business. I've always kind of kept to myself and I was raised taught not to intrude, for example to never invite myself somewhere etc. I mean that kind of is true, but at the same time if you hear people are going somewhere is it really wrong to just ask.. hey can i go? I mean I see no harm in that. But because I was raised to think that that is WRONG... i feel out of place asking myself along... but I mean come on. Who actually only goes to things they are invited to. I'd hardly ever end up going anywhere (oh yeah since i don't invite myself that's what ends up happening...) I'm off to study now... No really I am... oh come on... yes I am... you think I'm not going to? ok ok you're probably right! :) bye
9-23-99
Isn't it funny how people are? Ok maybe not all people are like me. But I want to stay somewhat anonymous on here so that I can have the freedom to talk about anything I want. About my weird psyche, about feelings I have, about life, about anything and everything. I don't want to monitor everything I'm saying in case someone comes on here that I don't want knowing all about my life. But by doing that it's forcing me to monitor my life even more. I have to be careful not to say what I did at a certain point in my life because someone might read it and say oh that's so and so... does that make any sense? I mean come on... if someone came on my website and looked at the links and the pictures and the colors and the words and all of that who knew me I think they could figure it out anyways. oh well whatever... So forget that monitoring stuff. I'll jsut write about what I did and this and that and hope it's all good. [{added 11-11-99} I re-read what I wrote, I read about the details I wrote afterward.. I thought of how I like my anonymonity on this page and I decided I needed to delete the details so forget that stuff about forgetting the monitoring... back to monitoring for this anonymous one!] :) Yesterday I was really happy cause I got a test back from a prof who has a reputation of being really difficult and stuff. She calls her tests "power tests" or something like that... it basically means you have to be able to regurigitate the information you learned very quickly and accurately. So anyways, I got my test back and I GOT A 93%!!!!! I was so excited. I got an A!!! anyways, so GO ME!!! ok well I need to be off to bed soon. :) but I felt I needed to add another diary in tonight you know just in case I have any riveted followers... hahahaha yeah right... oh well. see you later... me
October
10-2-99
So I honestly was going to put another entry in a couple days ago, but my computer was being strange so I didn't. And then September ended, ah, so it goes. I am so frustrated with my professor right now. There's a group of people in this world who I just have so much trouble getting along with. It's not a named group. Just a bunch of random people... and apparently HE is one of them... ugh... So anyways, because I'm angry at him and the homework he gives us tends to be basically just busy work, questions out of the book, I have NO desire to do them right now. They are due on Wednesday this week I think. It's so pointless though. Whatever. So anyways, I have tons of work in my other psych class, gee I could do that, but I'm so bored and don't want to do it. I'm doing laundry, have checked my email abuot 40 times in the past 20 minutes, am listening to music, anything but studying or cleaning my room, both things which DESPERATELY need to be done. Motivation is weird. I mean I've never been an extrememly motivated person. Wonder what that means. Who cares? I'm lucky. I'm pretty good at a lot of things so I've never had to work really hard at anything. Anyways, I don't really have anything else to write. I'm working merchandise at the theatre tonight for both shows (5 and 9pm) so that'll be fun probably. I can study there... yeah like that's gonna happen. Well maybe I'll have NOTHING else to do! :)
Ok I'm off to... be bored or clean or study or... oh my laundry's almost done... :)
bye
10-18-99
It's Monday night. Saturday I spent about 6 hours doing nothing. I came back to my room after working out and stuff and I had about 6 hours to do stuff. I couldn't get any motivation, even though I had plenty to do. So I did nothing... I read, I was on email, I did nothing though... basically. Yesterday I walked at AIDS walk LA... which was GREAT and so much Fun! I met Wilson Cruz for the second time there. I think he is a wonderful person and I absolutely adore him. Being famous must be odd... but that's a whole 'nother story... So anyways, I got back to school and went to study for a midterm I had today. I studied for almost 5 hours with a 15 minute dinner break. And today I woke up dreading the test but really trying to have a positive attitude. You know that feeling when you sit down at a test you are not prepared for (whether you tried to prepare and couldn't or you didn't bother to try) and you read the first question and BAM you know your in deep and there's no way out... I felt like just leaving the room... Telling my prof I was gonna fail anyways, and I just didn't want the pain of trying to get through the test. I hate it. I feel so bad and it's all stupid because in reality it's just a test and it doesn't matter that much now does it? (does it?) I don't know I'm just bummed and there's nothing that can be done at this point. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So anyways, I thought I'd write and whatever... Let's see other stuff... oh so I'll talk about what I think about famous-ness. It must be really weird to be famous. I mean if I was famous I'd still be just me. This normal person who goes through life day to day and it wouldn't really change my life. Except that people would know me. And I thought I had trouble with names now! Imagine if I was famous and there were like people who'd met me like THREE times which would be a whole lot for them (they'd practically know me!) and I on the other hand may or may not even RECOGNIZE them!!! wow... I don't think I ever want to be famous. I mean it would be great to change the world in a positive way (as I feel Wilson C. has done) but it would still be really really weird. I really respect those famous people who are so nice to everyone it seems, and really take to heart the things you are saying from your heart. I mean there are things I want to tell certain famous people, but from their end it's just another "fan" or whatever. Anyways, I mean I think they need to hear it sometimes right (start worrying when they stop talking right?) but it's just different the giving end and the receiving end. Then again isn't it always? Until next time... :)
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November
11-11-99
Ya know, it's weird... I mean I want to be open and real and all of that. I want to be me. But what the hell am I thinking. I mean first off WHO AM I? I define myself by my weirdities. My psychological problems. Weird huh? So I want so much to be me, but that means being open about my psyche problems to people, but that's not REALLY me. That's a small part of me that just feels like it's taken over lately. I dunno. What to do what to do. I mean I want to trust people. I DO trust people... TOO much as a matter of fact. My talking about things sensitive to me that I don't want the whole world knowing about is NOT going to make me happy, or any more real for that matter. I must first figure out who I am before I can be real. November came so fast. and December will come even faster. Off to study and sleep and think and dream.
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December
12-9-99
It's finals week. I seem to have absolutely no motivation. I can't believe time has gone so fast. I worked on a paper constantly for about a week and now I feel like I have no energy left to study for finals! So far, I've pretty much wasted amazing amounts of time. I am kind of looking forward to winter break, and kind of not. I love being at home, but it's really weird. It's not really my home anymore even though it is. I almost feel like it's not really my family either. Being away from them (even though i visit ALL the time) has given me new perspective on who they are. Where do I really fit in that family? I'm not sure. It's a scary thought. I mean once upon a time I knew exactly who I was and where I belonged, and now I don't have a clue.
Last Sunday I found out a friend of mine was in the hospital. It tore me apart. I hate sickness, and disease and pain and sadness. I lived in a world of sadness for about 4 years and I never want to go back there. But my friend in the hospital almost took me back there. Almost. How I've changed in the past year! I used to constantly be a sobbing mess, now I'm more of a dam. I have this cement wall holding back the floods. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get through a cement wall? It's all there though. Well maybe not all of it. I think some of it got sponged up. I bet this doesn't make any sense to the people who are not reading this... I mean, ok was that weird or what? I was talking to anyone who reads this, which is noone, thus I bet this makes no sense to the people not reading this. Well I think I've had a long enough break from studying, so I'm gonna plunge back into my notes! Wish me luck!
Hopefully I'll make another appearance here before the millineum! :) "Hold on tonight"
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