January
1-10-00
So it's been a month. I'm trying to get this page fixed up a bit, so that it has the next diary section, for this year. It's taking forever, mostly cause i'm clueless about html but am working in it anyways... :)
Hedwig and the Angry Inch closed in Los Angeles, on December 19th, which made me sad. I really loved the show and enjoyed being around the people. It's been three weeks and although I still miss it I am getting over it. I head back to school for softball in two days. I'm really nervous about that. Mostly because I don't know if I'm good enough or if I can work hard enough, or any of that. I am very nervous about it, but there's nothing I can do about that at this point, but sit and wait for practices to start and hope I do ok.
A friend of mine has been in and out of the hospital for the past month and a half. He's dying of AIDS-related something or other. I've never known anyone who's died of AIDS. Up until a few years ago I didn't even know anyone living with AIDS. He needs a new liver. His is toast from the medications he's been taking to keep other diseases and stuff away.
Despite all of this I did have a very nice Christmas and a decent New Year. It was nice to see my cousins and everyone. I like my cousins and I don't get to see them very much. Family is a weird thing. Luckily for me, it's pretty much a good thing too. I appreciate them so much and am so lucky to have gotten such a loving family. I understand that they didn't always love me the WAY I needed to be loved, but they never STOPPED loving me. That's important. Life is not black and white. And it never will be, I will have to learn to live in the gray (and sometimes, but never always dismal) world we live in.
1-22-00
I've been in softball for a week and a half and it is EXCELLENT. I am so happy playing and working hard and being successful! It is going really, really well. Our first game is next weekend. I'm looking forward to it. A little nervous, but it's all good!
My friend who I mentioned last time, is still very very sick. He went into hospice care a week ago, and we all thought he'd be gone by now... but I just got an email with hope included!! He's come out of the coma and was even talking and eating a little! I can't believe it. I'm so happy, but i'm scared too. I don't know what's going to happen. I have been waiting for the email telling me he's gone for the past week, well couple of months really, but even more so in the past week. And I could still get that email at any moment, but now there's a chance that email could be months off, or it could come tonight. It has changed from a game of waiting to the possibility of a comeback. WOW... it's a lot to take in!
I have had so many supportive people with this whole thing. Just chatting with me, listening, telling me stories to get my mind off of it when i needed it and doing everything they can to help! It is a nice change from being alone, feels a little weird, but nice, none the less.
so that's what's going on in my life. Classes have started back up too. Havn't had any desire to study yet, so i havn't... is that bad? ok I'll go study (no i won't.. but let me say i will.. haha)
February
Sorry, no entries in February... sigh
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March
3-2-00
Wow... a whole hell of a lot has happened since I was last here. I thoroughly apologize for missing all of Feb. It occurred to me on feb 27th that if I didn't write soon I might have missed a whole month... well... oops... obviously I didn't get around to it. School has been good, boring, but ok. Softball is odd. I am feeling very strange about it all. Wondering why I'm playing exactly. Who I'm playing for... things like that that don't make a whole lot of sense. It's all terribly complicated beyond the point that even I don't understand it. Sheesh. I don't even remember what I wrote from last time. I'll go look.... looking....
wow... didn't realize it had been THAT long... my friend that was in hospice died Jan 25th, 2000. It's kinda funny, I met him Jan 27th, 1999. I only knew him a year. The first night I met him I was at a little concert thing of a mutual friend. He walked me to my car afterward, and even closed my door for me after I had gotten in. It felt weird... I kinda asked if there was something else or something... a little weirded out by it... he said... no just wanted to make sure you got to your car ok. That's just how he was... he cared about people so much. He helped so many, SO MANY, people. I really wish I had had more time to talk with him... he was very wise and i wish he could have shared that with me... but we just ran out of time. I hate death. But it's a part (although it seems ironic, at least to me) of life. I saw a play W;t this past week. How amazing was that?! it was INCREDIBLE. It really made me think of the people who I cared about who have gone on... past the life we know here... and it makes me very sad. I miss them so very, very much.
Lately, I've been surrounded by a lot of very talented people. It makes me feel creative and makes me want to make something. Art, whether it be in the form of painting, drawing, writing, composing, acting, etc. etc. is an amazing thing... because it's all about creating something that wasn't there before. It's funny. I mean think of your FAVORITE song... for me, that song didn't exist ten years ago. I mean it hadn't been written yet. Probably never even THOUGHT about. and now it's there, and people sing it, many people sing it, in the car, in the shower, on stage, people who have the most beautiful voices, and those who... well they enjoy singing even if others don't enjoy listening (perfect for the "in the shower" times :) ) anyways, it makes me want to CREATE things. A song, a scene, I don't really know... just something. But my abilities feel limiting. There's a fear... "I don't know enough, I'm not good enough" but you can't think that. You just have to TRY it... who knows... maybe i'm meant to be the next big writer, poet, composer, etc. How would I ever know if I didn't try? Or maybe it will just be a wonderful outlet... and I'll create, say songs, and they'll be HORRIBLE... but i'll like them (or not, but I MIGHT) and i'll........ sing them in the shower :).
And then there's homework... and school... and work... You know, creative people, not the ones who are super famous and make a living off being creative, but all the rest of us... have to find other ways to pay the bills, (or get through school etc.) and then be creative on the side kind of. It's an odd idea. I'm losing my train of thought at this point, and think I need to end this entry. I've been thinking lately about starting another site as well. A site where I can have an online journal that will be open for people to see. That I can tell people about. Maybe I'd take some of this stuff and put it onto that page... we'll see...
So i went to make sure that this all came up right on my page... since i AM a html self taught student... heh... and apparently somehow i had DELETED the rest of the page... from the end of this section... so the diary no longer existed... BIG SIGH... so i have to go back and be sure it does now... i just cut and pasted the rest of the page below... haha... we'll see if i can get it to work again... but if you're reading this i obviously got it to work eh? :)
I'll try and write more than once every month k? :P Bye4now :)
3-13-00
You ever have one of those days where nothing really bad happens you just feel bad and depressed all day? Yesterday sucked. I play softball for my school and we lost games we should have won. The coaches were being frustrating and our head coach needs to learn how to listen. Something's wrong and i can't do a DAMN thing about it. Cause I try to talk to him and he doesn't HEAR me. My finger is hurt. I got a hard grounder back at me yesterday. It hit my left middle finger funny in the glove. I couldn't bend it for like 15 seconds or something. it's all swollen today. I'm glad I didn't leave my ring on last night. I think it would've ended up permanently stuck on my finger. I went to get ice after practice today (which i showed up at the VERY end of, due to work...) and they were closed. Which means no ice, and i need to go to sav-on tonight to get tape to tape my finger for practice tomorrow. I am just in a bad mood. I don't feel like being around anyone. I don't feel like leaving my room. I don't feel like doing homework, or reading on the net, or sleeping, or anything... i don't know what to do cause i don't feel like DOING ANYTHING... and yet i don't feel like doing nothing either... cause somehow in my really odd frame of mind that would be boring and would be doing something or something like that in a way right now. I'm hungry, maybe cause i feel funny. I don't know I can't sort any of this out right now. I thought today would be better (as opposed to yesterday) after some sleep (not a whole lot but enough), and such, but i guess not. I have been sitting in my room, reading an e-zine for nearly an hour and a half. I havn't showered and havn't gone to sav-on. I guess i need to just pull my sorry ass out of my ugly yellow dorm room chair and go to sav-on and then i'll come back, take a LONG HOT, REALLY HOT, shower and go to sleep? I dunno... I figured... hmmm maybe I'd write something in my online journal, since I havn't done that in a while and thought now would be a good time. heh... oh and it's spring break, yippee-f***ing-do... i don't really feel like i have a break since i'll be on campus nearly the whole time and i have SO much work to do! Ok, I guess I'll go to sav-on now and maybe pick up some food on the way back... I wonder what I want to eat... I hate making decisions.
3-24-00
I think I've decided I'd like to have a little journal that others can read. So I think I'll start on that today. Just something so I can do it, and others can see. Why? I dunno... cause everyone else has one. Durr.. that's a good reason. Ya know... knowing "famous" people is just 100% weird. I mean... I guess knowing ANYONE is weird. If someone tells you something about another person... oh... this is gonna get complicated I can tell. If person A tells you something about Person B. and person B doesn't know that you know what Person A told you about them (person B) then the next time you see Person B it's weird, cause you know something that they don't know you know. OK... maybe it's just cause i didn't have any friends till like 2 years ago (or maybe 2 months ago? haha) but it just is confusing to me.
I'd write more but I'm getting really excited about making another page so I'm gonna go do that now instead. Gee... look how much I've written here lately tho! :) I need to find out how to save this on my harddrive... just in case anything ever happens to it... cause i really do like what i've written here and would like to keep it!
heh...
ok off to try another page... hmmmmm...
April
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