Random Thoughts 2

DISCLAIMER: Everything on this page is the author's original work; however; does NOT necesarily reflect the thoughts, feelings, and world perspective of the author. Sometimes he just likes to put himself in other people's shoes. -TO

Expectation can cause and prevent tears more than fear and anger.

Time, the ultimate double-edged sword. Whoever said something about it being a great teacher except that it kills all its pupils had a good point...

I've developed a ear for FX and pan...except on the guitar. Amazingly complex instrument. Infinitely easier to play than to analyze. Not that you guys care, but I think I underestimated the power of strings and piano in pops and rock. Garage bands don't have them, but they can add so much color...too bad strings usually dominate the color of the song even if they're just holding out a few notes. I'm starting to see a limit to music programming...there's stuff that's much better live. I have yet to understand why drum lines have to be "real", that is, "playable". Why can't it be super fancy? Why can't there be 2 drummers ?

Sometimes I fear that eternal love is just another one of those seductive fables invented by mankind...once you know that for a fact, it's over. So maybe I should stop thinking about it and try to find it. Maybe I should just stop trying to solve all of life's problems at once and take things one at a time. Maybe I should just get some sleep.

2/24/01 -- Been working way too much...worked 250 hours in the past 2 weeks. Didn't think that was possible...did you?

Just wanted to say that a few basic principles run through so many things in life. I've always wanted to believe it, and always thought it seemed that way because I wanted to believe it, but it's true. For example, lots of things you love share many common qualities. Approaches may be similar for 2 different things you do, such as beating a few eggs and falling in love. Can't explain this; you just gotta arrive at that point to see it.

And most sports use the same principles (F=ma, centripical force F(c) = mv^2/r, etc) not just in terms of formulas but in what's done to achieve optimal output. I'm not explaining myself very well here, but I'm trying to say that once you master one thing, be it pitching a baseball or playing the drums, you've pretty much mastered the art of maximal output in any sport. Relax, snap, turn, stop. These are key.

2/21/01 -- I've just experienced true banker-ness. I just went through the toughest but the most exciting part of this whole job. If I could say more I would, but I can't...so why the hell am I writing this? ...I was thinking that the process being painful only magnifies the euphoria to follow. Not that I'm advocating pain, but the importance of perseverence knocks loudly on the cerebrum once again.

What are bad personality traits? Easy to anger, selfish, aggressive, dominant, arrogant, violent...what do all these traits have in common? They're all attempts to show superiority or strength over another. Whether or not these stem from an inferiority complex, there is a need, not to be accepted as 'normal', but as 'superior'. People want to believe what they want to believe. When our parents told us at bedtime that we were very special, we were the one-and-only, we shone like a star in the heavens, we believed it. To this day, be you 4, 44 or 144, you believe it. And you're right, and not just genetically. But we can't accept the fact that everyone is special...well, we can, but we want to be more special than others, because if everyone is special then 'specialty' is the norm and we are just special in that normal way. We want to be RELATIVELY special. That's why people devote a lifetime to mountain climbing, which bears no benefit to society whatsoever, expect to inspire others, I guess.
Being guilty of wanting to be 'special' perhaps even more than the average 'specialty'-seeking 22-year-old Asian male, I don't really feel I can lecture you on the 8-fold path...but let's just remember to put ourselves in other people's shoes.

2/13/01 -- I just had two of the most musically intense days of my life. Not that I was pressed for time, or had the mental deadlines I always make, but the last 2 days were comprised of nothing but composing, editting, mixing, recording. And lots of chocolate. But never mind the chocolate.

This post is gonna be real boring, especially since you prolly haven't heard the song I'm talking about. It's mostly a note to myself...you might wanna skip reading this post.

The song came to me in a flash. Couldn't get it out of my head. The true sign of a good idea. Too bad you need about 5,000 great ideas in the same 4-minute songspan to have a good song. In the long blinding process in the comfort of my new, barely-used studio, I discovered the following on different aspects of music creation:

Composition: This is not new to me but there is something to learn each time. Chords not changing too much is okay. It's easy to draw a contrast this way. Not moving too much in the melody line is okay. If you have a really awesome guitar solo, you don't have to put it in 3 times. Once is okay...it'll shine better that way.

Lyrics: A good composition gives you thousands of words to match it. Flexibility in length of phrases, long notes in certain phrases, the rarity of large skips and large ranges which keeps the song easily accessible.
Consistency in message. Matching the song and its various changes. A song is a story. Tell it.

Instrumentation: This is a toughy when starting on Finale because it sounds different. And because you already have an idea of what it "should" sound like, it's harder to experiment and accept new voices. Writing directly on Cubase would be a solution but I like the finale layout...

Sequencing: Put all MIDI tracks on max volume. Don't mix until the final stages. Little changes in MIDI editting DO make a difference. Listen from a distance. I didn't do much in this area this time so I don't have much to say...let's move on...

Pan/FX/CC: This really does make a difference. Even a little bit can change the whole song. I didn't put reverb on this time because I was too lazy to bounce tracks to add fx. Big mistake. Reverb is huge. Pan is key. Trying to put every voice with a solo in the center is a big mistake. Putting vocal and harmony in the same place is a mistake. E. Guitar might be a candidate for extreme positions (more than 10 units in either directions), as is piano. Not synth though. That should be with strings near the center and reverbed lots for the wall-of-sound effect.

Mixdown: Small errors are fatal. Big dynamic changes are fatal. Complimit, whatever. Vocal doesn't need to be as loud as you think. D&B should be on the loud side for whatever song, even ballads. Do some EQ on the voice before using FX.

Problems: Here are the problems I hear in the CD:

Noise. This sucks.<
My voice, but I just need to learn the song...and develop a better tessatura.
Too soft. This is due to mixing the midi signals. Bad move.
Mixing mistakes. Basically, don't be afraid of sudden moves in the fader.
Too much voice, especially harmony.
Bass is too low for the sweet sound I was looking for.
At times there's too much going on. 3 different moving lines is tough.
Didn't attempt to edit MIDI data, and it shows.
Pronounciation. It's gotta be more clear. Other problems with the voice include too much range, too much dynamic contrast, lack of power in the low register, too much variance between sections, variance between melody and harmony.
Multiple uses of the same track, esp high bass, guitar as bass would be good.
SFX voices would help.
Some odd chords.
Transition out of the harp bridge
Tough B section (actually A' section)
Drums, bass need work.
Title needs work.
Inadequate explanation of the "who is singing to whom".

List goes on...but let me say that there were some moments in the sun...these should be recognized as well for the future I think.

Some good ideas in chord progression, lyrics.
Some good vocal licks.
Cohesion in the song. (Harp may be questionable)
Smooth, "unnoticeable" half-step modualation
Good chord progression in the bridge.
Good length, and the ending suffices. Opening is simple but works.
Slight flange on the harp and entry of OD Guitar at the end provides good contrast.
Catchy melody, good variation on A to A', except its 2-octave range
Good use of strings.
THIS list is pretty much exhaustive...ah well, next time it'll be better. Better get back to work...

1/17/01 -- Hey guys listen: I've finally figured out how to get the whole soft sequencer-master keyboard/source-digital mixer-speakers deal working! This is pretty damn exciting. It took me forever and about 50 phone calls to a whole bunch of music stores I've never been to to figure out... great feeling though. Thanks to everyone who contributed. Now tune in to the BGM of music heaven on CD, to be ready in about...3 months?! That's the plan. Check back with me often.

1/14/01 -- Sometimes I'm so busy with one thing that I forget how to do everything else. Like how to pour water into a cup.

1/6/01 -- I think I need to keep myself in check more than I'm used to. What a brilliant idea: report my successes and failures to the world so I feel like a heel when I don't succeed in sticking to my goals. 6 days into the century and I feel like a heel already. Here are some of the reasons why:

I worked out for 3 days in a row, which is good, but I also over-ate 3 days in a row. Also had lots of beer and chocolate. I haven't practiced the piano, guitar, and drums as much as I should have, even though it's much more than I've been doing in the past. I still haven't gotten Cubase to work properly, a month after buying it. I've barely written a note of music. I don't have my priorities straight...composition should come FIRST, not mastering the guitar, for example. Cuz that won't happen for a long while. I can't wait that long to get a demo out, now can I? I'm already 22.

On the bright side, I have my first guitar and drum lessons next week. I'm proud of myself for signing up without thinking about it for days like I usually do. Do it NOW. Listen to yourself. That's right. Good job.

A friend from work told me yesterday that my existence has had an impact on his life. He says he works out because I do, and he sees life as more than just an alternation of work and sleep because I do. Little does he know what his words meant to me...the whole purpose of my existence is to touch people this way, and what he has done is to show himself as living proof that what I do is not in vain. Thanks so much...it's rare that a guy can leave you hanging in heaven instantaneously but I know now that it can happen...

By the way, I was on TV for the 4 weeks of December, 3 times a week. If you saw me and recognized me, great! If not, well, I didn't really wanna say that to the public while it was being aired because I didn't want random visitors to think I'm a celebrity. Cuz I'm not...not yet, at least. Someday I won't need to say stuff like this. You'll already know me. But that's not my ultimate goal...I want everyone to know everyone else. And for that to become as obvious as knowing one's ABCs.

I said this before, but for you newbies that don't want to read this whole page...make yourself artificial deadlines. Have a plan. Execute.

Hug lots.

Hey, just shut up, okay? Just for a sec. What the hell is wrong with...just, please? Hold on for a sec? It'll be over in a flash. I'm just trying to say that...WHAT? What are you looking at me like that for? God, I don't know why the hell put up with...okay, calm down, calm down. Hehe...no big deal really, it's just that I...wow you're actually listening to me for once...ummm...geez uh, so what, um, I wanted to, ummm...uh...okay. Okay okay. Just...ugh. You know, that's a-um, a nice sweater.
Crap, what the hell am I saying...?!

1/3/01 -- Welcome to the 21st century. Be prepared to work harder than ever before. Be prepared to act when others wouldn't.

Last year I said my motto was "Just do it. Do it NOW. Keep doing it." I must say that was a well-said, if I do say so myself. Definitely a tradition worth continuing. Looking back on 2000, I must say that I've been able to do that more than I have in the past. Despite pre-Industrial Revolution working standards and more time spent typing than the average computer nerd, I've managed to stay in shape, make some new friends, and build my own studio from scratch (leaving my bank account empty, but that's okay). The "just do" part was definitely there...the "NOW" part has always proven hard for the over-thinking me but is getting there, and the "keep doing it" is not something that ends, so I'll judge myself on that the day I die.

This year, I want to strive for more than excellence. The goal this year is "omni-excellence"...maybe I should explain words I coin on the fly...the deal is, you can be excellent but you can be an asshole. A miser, a loser, a creep, a cry-baby. Omni-excellence means not just being excellent at sports, music, work, academics, etc. It also means you care about others. You genuinely want others to succeed. Understand that everyone has their pride, and give way when someone really wants something done a certain way. Stand up for your rights but admit it when you're wrong. Know how to relax. Talk to strangers. Listen more. Take risks with your life, but not with the feelings of others. Contribute. Initiate. Motivate. Drive. Embrace no stereotypes except the following:

All people are inherently kind and have feelings and weaknesses.

The law of conservation of matter (wow I haven't said that phrase in a long time...!) says we can't create matter. But humans have the power to alter their location. To combine them with or to separate them from other particles. We can deal in chunks of material, whether solid, liquid, or gas, and can deal with chunks of information. It is this gift of grouping things and ideas into chunks that has brought us this far. So let us chunk everything behind us and build on top of it. A project that all living forms are involved in...what could be greater? What could be more exhilerating? And what the hell am I saying?

Reciprocity is good...it's fair, and many people live by it. But what if you could give more than you could ever receive?

A happy millenium to all. May your respective god(s) and angels be with you always. To all you souls in love: May he/she overhear you talking in your sleep. Thanks for sharing the Earth with me; it's been quite a ride so far.

always,
The 21st Century Tak

12/16/00 -- Gotta do things one at a time.

Research makes shopping so much more fun.

Do I have to say it again? This is not about me...:
It's not traditional in the slightest sense, what we have here. A guy lost in his own illusions and a girl lost in her own mind. We both think we're right. And somehow we manage to get along. When you say "Let's talk", it means "I talk, you listen." When I say it, it means "I complain, you listen, and react the way I want you to." But when others say "Let's talk", it means "Let's break up." Maybe this shared feeling of wanting to be totally understood is a selfish but pure desire to stay together.

Maybe two wrongs make a right between the two wrong people...

He misses you. But somehow he's happy to be missing you. He prefers it to perpetual contact that may play with the rocks between you, forming a valley that won't heal. 2 inches apart. That's the way he likes it. Maybe it's just because he wants to look at your silky face, and he's too shy to open his eyes when he kisses you.

If I must remember the one-sided kiss that's to be the last between us, I'd rather remember each of the 500 before it.

Unexpected praise...the best way to make any of us melt in his shoes.

Don't stand there naked on all fours with provocative eyes smacking your lips, you'll catch a cold.

You may think she's a loser, but in other circles she's regarded as a goddess.

12/13/00 -- Do more and think less. Dare more and fear less. You don't always have to make decisions first. You don't always have to be right. It's okay to send mixed signals. It's okay to be ordinary.

It's also okay to kick ass in every way imaginable.

12/6/00 -- I usually start out trying to give a good impression, then gradually (usually unintentionally) showing my dark side...but I guess I've done it the other way this time, which is a lot harder because it's much harder to shake off a bad first impression than a good one (this is my theory...but don't quote me on this). So basically, I'm faced with the task of convincing you that I'm normal? I dunno how I'm gonna do this, but I'll basically tell you who I am and what I've been doing these past few months. You can also see my resume from the main page...if you care.

In a word, I'm idealistic. I've always been a dreamer (as if you didn't know already). I've never shoplifted. Tried smoking twice in college but haven't touched it since. I almost never lied. So when I lie it's painfully obvious...a lot of factors at play here but I won't spell them out in case I need to lie to you in the future. j/k If you studied body language...most of the common symptoms apply...

You can usually find me so utterly involved in one thing you won't hear me talking about anything else. Usually, it's something relatively new in my life. When I was building a PC in October, that's all I could think about. I would even dream about buying motherboards (freaky, I know). Then it was being on TV. Then it was building a studio. That's why you see me post for about 4 times in a week, then I disappear for at least a few weeks (sound familiar?). Now I'm back into composing...amazing that I haven't talked about it yet. Maybe I just THINK I'm back into composing and I'm actually too busy to do any of it. Hmmmm...they say you should never diagnose yourself but seeing yourself in writing, it's hard not to do...

Wait, I'm supposed to seem NORMAL in this post, huh? Crap. I messed up.

I consider myself at least average in almost everything. Sound cocky? Well...maybe. I've tried almost every sport, instrument, and academic field out there. I've taken bites of about 20 countries and 20 states. I pride myself in being able to talk to anyone about SOMETHING. As long as someone doesn't start talking about shoe polish. Can't do shoe polish. I also can't cook or draw. No academic subject bores me. People fascinate me. I appreciate imperfections to a certain extent.

I take challenges and risks. I've cracked a total of 5 bones in my lifetime, 4 of them in my left hand. Good thing I'm right-handed. I have a hard time deciding if it's more fun to be #1 or at the bottom of the heap working my way up.

I change often. Not gradually, but epiphanically (is that a word?). I pride that in me. And it keeps me entertained. I still dream about soap opera scenarios coming to life. It happens...it's happened. And it'll happen again. Just noticed that my hair smells like my new Shampoo. A bit girly maybe, but at least I don't smell like peaches or apricots...

12/5/00 -- I must say for the millionth time that what is on this page does not necessarily represent the thought of the author. Venturing into unknown territories carries with it an inherent danger when the readers know the author... it's amazing how one post can utterly change your perception of me, especially if you don't know me too well. Take in the following...written out of proportion, perhaps, but the declarative sentences are mostly true (for once).

I started swimming when I was 2. The darkest journey ever known to man. A sport so lonely it makes you forget how to associate. So monotonous to the third party, so full of bloody reds and spiraling purples to the protagonist. Never is your mind at rest. How else would you survive monotony?

I got picked on a lot as a kid. Not just as a kid actually...until around age 16. Junior year in highschool. Pretty pitiful, huh? I've always walked away from fights though. Even if they hit me. I was scared of aggression. Of the potential harm I could do. Of human impatience. Of punishment from heaven.

I didn't shave until I was 16 either. Didn't comb my hair. Didn't buy clothes. Hadn't kissed. Didn't care. Preferred winning swimmeets to dating girls. Didn't do any significant dating until then. No surprise; I would never have dated me.

But I was happy. Why the hell not? I always had a purpose. A reason to be. I was saving money for a big purchase later on in life. I was saving my heart, my comb, and my all for a time I would want to marry. I did push-ups and sit-ups when no one was watching. Didn't want anyone to know I was trying to be anything. I just wanted to BE something. I wanted to seem like a natural. Anything. A natural anything. Whatever I was meant to be. Whatever I was placed on Earth for. But it didn't find me. But I was still happy because I knew that what I was doing was helping me get there. Even somehow justified to myself that playing Final Fantasy was educational.

It made my blood boil to see people succeeding. Winning. Accomplishing. That's all I ever wanted. Results in themselves meant nothing. Efforts followed by results...that was tear-envoking. I cry still.

I am so all-or-nothing. I was always undecisive, which it the all-or-nothing person's worst enemy. With that comes panic. But I've learned. I make decisions early on and stick to the adamantly. How inconvenient that must be for other people. I would hate that in others; people must hate it in me. But it's the only way. Until I get there, I'm panicking 24-7. And there are always decisions to be made. I panic 24-7. I'm not even trying to change that...somehow I like it. Weird. But then, where would we all be if we couldn't find a way to love ourselves?

I apologize for being overly self-conscious. For overanalyzing. For being an asshole then deciding to apologize then apologizing all at once (see last paragraph). "At least you realize" isn't any consolation, I know. I'll work on that though. I realize now that there's something inherently wrong with the place at which I have arrived. Yes you are listening to self-therapy at its worst. Just kidding. But drop me an e-mail, I'm lonely. It's just a complex I have really; I have great friends and love some people to death. But the thought of having dinner on my own scares me. See, now I'm babbling.

I say I love the stage. But rarely have I enjoyed being on stage as much as I say. I enjoy sitting there amongst my friends after being on stage, being told how amazing I was. I'm just lonely. I need attention. Find me, need me, love me. Okay I exaggerated...I was trying not to do that this time. My bad. Anyway, I'm gonna admit here and now that I get nervous when I sing on stage. Acting is okay, but singing with a mic on scares me. Even at karaoke if it's in front of people I've never sang with. Because first impressions are key, because I'm not exactly confident about my singing; because I don't want to score below anyone's expectations. Because I want to be seen as the versatile guy. The omnipotent guy. The world could stand to have one of those, no?

Worrying about something that wastes your time is a waste of time.

Now that you think I'm a psycho, tune in to the next session (which, if you access this page much later, will be on top of this article, so should I say "tune in to the last session"? Never mind...). You will realize I'm not a psycho (if I feel like writing in that tone next time). Hopefully that'll prove my point...how a few things we say/write can utterly change one's impression.

12/3/00 -- I've been 22 for a few weeks now. Not that that's significant, but things have changed since the last post. Attitude towards life changes day by day, depending on how loaded the fridge is when you're looking for breakfast, among other things. I've had a fundamental change, or rather evolution, on how life should be. Different stimuli in the workplace. The questioning of every second spent doing anything.

Let me start at the top. Turning 22 was pretty pitiful. Not only was it the first birthday that yielded no benefits (drinking age in the US is 21) but I spent the bulk of it in the office typing away at an Excel spreadsheet. Not that life is about receiving, but I got a grand total of 2 gifts, one from my parents and one from my secretary. From a third party it would seem like I have no friends, wouldn't it? Aging is no longer good, but I've come to think that physical age is more important than biological age. What I mean is, I could be 23 next year and have the mind of a 5 year old while I have the body of a 40 year old. That would be horrible. If that happens my job would have everything to do with it. Will talk about my job later.

In case you couldn't tell reading my past posts, I'm an efficiency freak. Wasting 3 seconds hurts me because I may have become a better person in those 3 seconds if I had been doing something else. But rushing through life like that might not be good because, like I said, I might have the body of a 40 year old when I'm 23 if I keep worrying about little things like that. But I kinda don't wanna change in this regard. I wanna always be busy, always be striving. Dunno.

I don't understand why people work in the same place for 30 years. It's ridiculous. Like I say many times, you only live once. Why spend it all on one job? Things that aren't worth it:
1. Losing your sex drive from working too much, even if you make $1 million/year.
2. Accomplishing a major feat with no friends to celebrate.
3. Thinking too much that love comes to be a list of objective criteria.
I spend most of my waking moments at work. There is something wrong here. I was talking to my neighbor from college. He said that his roommate works 35 hours a week and has turned into a beast because he works out so much. You may think that's dumb but I think that's great. He's living life. And what the hell am I doing? When I die, am I gonna be proud that I can do a discounted cash flows? ...I think I'd be happier if I knew I was dead sexy and all the girls wanted me.

Japanese businessmen in the upper ranks don't understand temperament. They also don't understand that shooting the messenger is wrong. What used to be fundamental values in the feudal era have been lost. Time knows that evolution isn't necessary a smooth curve. Maybe it's volatile like the stock market.

Support over love. Perseverence over results. The ability to create new dreams over the ability to achieve old ones. Hunger over satisfaction. Instinct over all 5 senses. Fear over apathy. Image over self. Are these values so skewed?

A computer is a waste of space until you turn it on.
A computer is a waste of time until you learn how to use it.
Same goes for your body. Charge it up and use it fully. Overclock it.

8/12/00 -- I just went through the score of Hanson's hit song, "Mmmbop". I've seen simple songs hit the charts but this was enough to encourage writers who can't read sheet music, and make music theorists' jaws drill wells in the Rockies. 100% I-IV-V. 3 major chords you learn in the first week of music theory. No accidentals, no nothing. I don't know if that makes me want to become a minimalist or to show the world there are pop composers out there who can write more complex music. Of course that doesn't mean simple is bad and that's exactly the dilemma, isn't it Sergei? Surely you think you were a better composer than Palestrina? Well, if you were writing when he wrote, he'd probably sell more albums than you (given current technological advances).

Every action affects every action we take. It's because each action puts us in a particular frame that affects our next action. I dunno about a butterfly in Idaho, but saying hi to your neighbor in the morning might mean more than you think. At least that's the way I feel?

You were never the nicest guy. But you had one redeeming quality: you always tried to be a nice guy. You emulated all those you saw as generous and forgiving. For that God rewarded you with a gift: the gift of perseverance. A cruel gift for one in the process of persevering, but one that yields the greatest outcome. And when that outcome came, you let your ego explode with your pride. You fear going back to those hard days. Success has shown you bits of gold, and now you want every bit you can pick up form other mines as well. Stop and think. The goal of the very effort God rewarded you for has been lost. Wake up from the madness. Stop fearing shame. Don't disdain. Don't stare. Don't take. Go back to the days you respected the guy who saved a seat for you on the bus when you had no friends. Life is a circle if you let it be. Take the reigns and lead it on an upward sloping line.

7/9/00 -- Getting lost is the greatest adventure.

7/7/00 -- Today is Tanabata. The one time in a year that two star-crossed lovers (not Romeo & Juliet, but 2 Japanese people) are allowed to meet in the sky.

Sometimes you can get too comfortable with someone. Like, in a bad way. Simple way to think of it is how most people treat their parents. Take them for granted, assume they'll love you unconditionally, etc. But parents are like gods...only they can do that. If you expect that from a friend, or significant other, or teacher, or secretary or whatever you are asking for too much. Signs you are guilty of this include: not making sacrifices you used to make for them, becoming lazy with words because you assume they understand (which is a ridiculous assumption), and making them a second priority. You're shooting yourself in the foot with cognitive dissonance then. And a vicious circle ensues. That's not worth it. Think of all the time and the effort, the tears and the insecurities you went through for the flame you can't live without. And yet you keep squirting the candle with your water gun.

Different topic. I suddenly realized something yesterday. I know what I want to be, but I never knew what I SHOULD want to be. And I found that yesterday. And I forgot it this morning until now. And now it's in writing and I will remember it forever unless the IT revolution ends with a huge computer crash.

I shouldn't want to be me, the only, the guy everyone wants to be and is in love with. Obviously...there are names for deadly sins like that: pride and greed. I should want others to lead a happy life. And I do. But I should want it more than I want to be famous or something. Unless that helps. I've always justified it to myself by saying that if I become famous, those who know me will be happy and proud to know me. What a selfish thought. I know now that that's not all true.

Everything I've ever written on this page assumes that everyone else thinks like me. And yet my parents and I brainwashed me to think I'm special. It may not all be a paradox but it makes me stop. And think. How conceited of me. I think I understand the world because I understand myself. No wonder people get pissed off when others try to psychoanalyze them.

I think too much.

7/5/00 -- I think I wrote on my first post ever that between the chicken and the egg, it's definitely the chicken. I still stand by this position, but I'd like to elaborate...

It's a baby chick that came first. Look at it from the standpoint of evolution. A bunch of particles became life, and life developped into a chicken. But something has to be born a chicken to be a chicken because of the gradualness of evolution. But the first chicken technically wasn't a chicken until it came out of the egg, or whatever it came out of. Maybe it was a mutation. Whatever the case, Semantically speaking, a chicken's egg has to be a chicken egg, and a non-chicken's egg can't be a chicken egg. Kinda cheap argument, I know... I started out writing with a different position in mind, and somehow the words molded me into this position. And now I agree with it. This is the power of writing I was talking about 20 posts or so ago...Don't you love it when there's allusion to one's own writing? Makes you seem like a good writer for no reason.

7/4/00 -- 4th of July 2000. Of course this has no effect on me whatsoever. So Thomas Jefferson's work celebrates its 224th year of existence. America gains an excuse to go home, and to even close down the NYSE. Almost a billion shares would have traded today there. Is Shakespeare really the most influential writer in Western history? How about this guy, and how about Martin Luther and his 95 theses? It doesn't take a writer to write influentially. It doesn't take a singer to sing, and actor to act, or a driver to drive. So? ...I dunno.

Who are you? You bring an infinite number of questions. They are poetic precisely because there are no answers. And so satisfied am I by your questions that I have no motivation to seek such answers. You enlighten me and yet you lead me astray. I want you because I feel that you are the answer to those questions. If you could answer them, will I want you more? Or will you have satisfied my curiosity and turned it into a glutton? I will take the chance...stay with me...

I read an article a long time ago (in high school) about words that should be forbidden in song. Examples given were: angels, rainbow, heaven, wind; any reference to seasons; love. Makes sense, but all these have a theme in common: they set the scene (with the possible exception of love) and don't do much more. The author of the article was not happy because those words were overused and often had no significance. If used in that way, I agree. But maybe setting the scene is necessary. All movies, books, and songs do. Why? We want a backdrop. Nothing takes place in ether. Even in memory, things are remembered along with where we were and what we were feeling at the time. So maybe it takes setting to be artistic. People want to understand. Understand why a character dumped her husband. Why the singer is singing the song, and to whom. People are selfish and want everything to be their own experience. They want to relate. Even if a story is about a god, a hero, or a monster, they can relate to certain qualities, sometimes directly and at other times by metaphor. People want to hear ideals and be them. Blah blah blah.

7/3/00 -- I want to make something out of this page. A book? A song? I dunno.

I just want to say here that what I write isn't necessarily the way I feel. Some of it is just art. That having said...

Your 3rd week into work and you've already let go of something you never wanted to lose. Something you've treasured all your life, and something you sought in others. You disdained those who did not possess it, but know you have become unworthy of your own respect. You work and do nothing else. Surely this does not help your dream. Your dream isn't something you can put off till later. Find it again. No job is worth it unless your dream is there with you. If you don't want to become CEO, why the hell are you there? If you're content being somewhere below the top, then there must be another reason. You are not incapable. Your motivation comes in tides, and at the trough is a lazy bum who works so he can party, and spends the rest of his time dreaming of romance. Ridiculous. Maybe we're not on Earth for any reason at all except a coincidence that brought life to a lonely coacervate long before the concept of history existed. It makes no difference. If only for self-satisfaction, do what it is you want to do most. You have a life. A chance. To do anything. For God's sake, use it. Take advantage of it. What the hell are you waiting for? "When I have time" is the biggest piece of crap I've ever heard. You always have it, and you'll never have the kind of time you're talking about. Shut up. Get down to business. Create. Crave the skies. Paint her soul.

People love love. But no one will remember you for loving in a special way except the other person. If that's what you want, fine. Or become a poet. No one said getting what you want was easy. Love might even be a curse. A distraction. That's if you want to be in the history books. The greatest players make you think you're the only one...and others may say he's a player but you'll say to yourself that you know in your heart that it's not true. But maybe it's actually true. Then love is the ultimate player. It plays half your life away. Kids get the other half.

TV is a waste of time? Well, you'd be bored without it. No matter how motivated you are, you don't have something to do all the time...

A small fountain, much like the fizz of a freshly poured glass of champagne, tickles the air in a garden of green. Clustered polka dots, prettier out of focus and in daylight reverie, flashes in the memory so subtly yet so permanently that the colors only deepen at any attempt to forget. A sky so blue it honors the color that describes it. Complete the picture for me...stand in the center of it...

6/25/00 -- Interdependence is a virtue, but dependence is not. In other words, doing one's own share of the work to help everyone else is good, but just having someone do everything for you is bad. I'm NOT saying "You gotta give for what you take" like George Michael but a satisfying relationship should be one where every party involved benefits in some way.

To say enough but to not receive a straightforward response is as painful as not saying enough.

What do you do with someone who yells at you when he's calling the wrong number?
What if you're doing a live broadcast and you get a bloody nose?
What do you do to stop yourself from crying in a movie?
How do you respond when someone tells you your brother's 'hot stuff'?
What do you do if the girl you're in love with asks you if you're in love with anyone?
How do you talk your way out of a speeding ticket when you're going 140 mph?
What do you do with someone who gets mad at the fact that you're mad at them?
What do you do if you're about to fall asleep in an important meeting?
How do you pretend your friend's cooking is good when it isn't?
How do you convince yourself the mirror and the bathroom scale are lying?

...please send me answers by e-mail. The most creative one gets a cookie.

6/19/00 -- Desperation and fatigue may not be good, but can be the mother of invention like their friend necessity. At least I hope so...cuz I'll be accumulating a lot of both this week. Monday is over but at a high price in terms of energy, willpower...but it has given me motivation in return. The first day of work promises to be the easiest, but I'm too drunk on the wine of laziness to feel that ease.

The smell of sand...why did I never notice it before? Like sunburned sugar melting slowly in my daily afternoon tea. How strong I feel, standing on earth, even while my limbs shake from the arctic seas! What a blessing is land!

The Aerosmith ride in Disney World accelerates from 0 to 60 mph in 3 seconds. Her alto voice can boil frozen blood in half as long. So hot the body sends chills down my spine in self-defense. A touch of drowsiness in her whisper only draws me in deeper, as if she were the goddess of sleep herself...

6/18/00 -- What is an artist? One who has the strongest, most passionate emotions and writes them down? Or one who can deliver the most extravagant prose with intense adjectives when he feels none? Or one of average emotion, who understands the emotions of those around him, and describe them in detail in ways the public wants it represented? Does a true artist give society what it wants to hear, or speak from his heart? But art without an audience dies a quick death...

You cannot lie to me. Your gaze, your touch, your breath says it all. You can't intercept my fingers in your hair, meandering their way down to your spine. A touch so gentle it's mistaken for a breath, A whisper so close and yet so soft the body can only answer with a shiver. Say the words...and I will trace a thousand times the shapes your lips may form. Was it a kiss or did my face shift in your silky hands? Does the earth shake or do I tremble at your touch?

For the crowd I fear nothing. But for you everything I do is laced by fear...

6/17/00 -- The further you are, the closer you are when I close my eyes. The longer we are apart, the longer I spend thinking of you. And when you're near and here with me, I never close my eyes...but I think of you just as much.

I swear by the air I breathe that change will leave you and I alone. Seasons will leave us by the same evergreen tree, leaving no trace of what winds may blow. You and the sun will take turns in showing me the most passionate reds, the deepest blues, the most gentle greens.

Diamond earrings and Prada mean nothing to me. I would never notice them if you weren't wearing them. They can't shine by themselves...you turn the gray into silver, the beige into gold.

There is a joy in not knowing everything about you. I see more in you every time we meet, and this brings joy. I see more in myself every time we meet, and this brings joy. Your smile may not move armies and mountains, but it has moved my whole existence in a way armies and mountains could not. For once my dreams and love coincide; the heart and soul waltz as one.

6/16/00 -- Within every confused soul is a surprisingly simple answer to it all... To lie awake in bed, with no intention of sleeping, mourning about reality and the possibility of armageddon, is not a search for the solution but only a process to deepen it, to encourage it, to let it take over. The fear of the inevitable is not worth speaking when pitted against the fear of the unknown. One event so miniscule in the course of the Earth, yet so large in the pitiful mind of a pitiful being utterly engulfed by a rising tide of dire consequence, whatever card the dealer may hold. To seek for more but to beg for it to end, to watch it tear the heart but somehow seeming the midway to nirvana. Attachment stronger than gravity for one side, yet easily defied on the other. To wish to live a thousand times for this very emotion, while knowing that every moment is spent lamenting what cannot be. If this not be the reason for life, I wish not to live...

Every step I take is seemingly the same. Such precision has been granted us that the same toe touches the ground first, the same angle supports the ankle, and the same distance is covered with each stride. Yet each step is a new chapter in the mind. Drawing consequence after consequence to a course of action only remotely considered. Searching for the best alternative only to find that it's not in my desire to act accordingly. But also realizing that what I do is only disguised as a masochistic reverie but the understanding that out of bad may come good, that out of sorrow may come an infinite stream of joy, all the sweeter because of the bitterness that prevailed beforehand. I leave what's right and what's wrong for the teachers and lawyers. I follow my own path.

A car that accelerates beyond control destroys itself. My heart has no ears for such thoughts... Knowing the cause of it all, and yet strangely enjoying the experience, I feel bits of my face crumble off like an old statue in a hurricane. 'Stop. You need a breath.' My eyes, my heart, my all does not heed. I cannot heed. The deeper I plunge, the less crucial homeostasis seems. Am I finally being myself, or have I lost him altogether? Is this the true human form?

Nothing inspires mumbling more than the thought and fear of mumbling. But to not give it thought is a kamikaze pilot with no battleship in sight. A useless loss. Waiting for the perfect moment, realizing there can be none, then realizing finally that it's always the perfect moment. The perfect moment. A perfect feat needs no such thing, as it overcomes any sense of time, and, like the events of July 4, 1776, in retrospect shapes it into the perfect moment. If I were a kettle I would whistle, if I were a volcano I would erupt the world into a red lifeless rock. And if I were brave I'd just say the words...

I love you...

6/7/00 -- My first ever consecutive post in Japan?! I think.

The 3 day waiting period, the game, the chase...are actually all necessary parts of romance. Let's play ball... But I think that you need to play a similar, though toned down, type of game in the 7th inning stretch...that is, when you're already together. I think some people get really comfortable with someone, and stop trying to impress their significant other. This is bad for 2 reasons. For them, because they will try to achieve internal consistency and think they are over the honeymoon period, or worse, that they're not as into their significant other as they were before. For the significant other, because they were probably impressed with not what you tried to impress them with, but the fact that you care enough for them that you would try hard to impress them. Vicious cycle then takes over... so the moral is to stay at it. Go lovers...God and I are on your side!

There are at least 4 types of people who seek a maximum experience from life:
1. People who say "You only live once, so I gotta try as many things as possible."
2. People who say "You only live once, so I gotta master one thing in this vast world before I die."
3. People who say "You only live once, so I gotta have as much fun as I can."
4. People who say "You only live once, so I gotta stop being selfish and help others."
Then there's the type who think they can do all of the above...the type of people who would wish for more wishes when told they'll have any one wish granted. Common theme is that "You only live once, so I gotta blah blah blah". Time constraint. Individual action. Absolut Vodka.

Time constraint is a primary limit to our eternality. Perhaps the only thing that can motivate us the fear of loss. Knowing that you can't just "be" and let things change. Because those things will change you...i.e. make you lose hair and teeth and erectile capabilities (sorry female readers). I say this kinda thing every time, huh? I'll stop being repetitive, but I think it's pretty important.

Our hands are so important and delicate, as are our eyes. If you had a choice between losing a hand or losing an eye, which would you pick? I'd say 99% of us would go with the eye... but what about losing both hands vs losing both eyes? I'm really not a sadist, I just think that thoughts like these appreciate what we have and take for granted. And now I will read to you an excerpt from Aesop...

Japanese is a hard language, and I'm reminded of that everyday. But it's also a beautiful language, in terms of meaning, though perhaps not in terms of intonation. Every sound is very "square"...that is, a consonant followed by a vowel. But in what other language are there over a hundred ways to say the word "you" or "I"? The word choice in addressing yourself can evoke millions of stereotypes and show your class, background, personality, etc. Japanese is efficient in expressing emotion even in writing... Another thing that's cool about the way the language is used in society is that it is full of implicative tones that don't necessitate the finishing of a sentence. Nor is that rude by any means. It exists in English too:
"And you are...?" is a totally legitimate way of asking for someone's name. But it's so much more commonplace in Japan, and it makes communcation efficient. And it makes its speakers lazy, but that's a mild side-effect...

There are no 7-11s in China. Only a Lawson's. Come on, Mr. Market Leader...

6/6/00 -- Just got back from Shanghai/Beijing yesterday...it was great. It's amazing how cheap everything is there. I'll have to stop by again sometime...I would go into it further but you guys aren't here to read about China, so I won't go into it.

I just realized that I now have under 2 weeks of vacation before I start work. Among the 255 things I have to do before that, I should throw in "reviewing finance" or something to that effect...it would suck if I can't do anything once I'm there.

Went to karate practice for the first time in a long time...I was horrible. That was really depressing...things fall apart so fast. Maybe all of life is about fighting the entropy. The problem is that everything about you becomes more chaotic day by day, and yet you can't ski, swim, speak French, draw, cook spaghetti, etc everyday, so most things about you deteriorate everyday. Sorry, that's a horrible thought. This isn't just an age issue... when we're 2 days old, we can discriminate between every phoneme in every existing language in the world, and yet if we don't practice it (i.e. if it's not in the language spoken by our environment), it's lost within 10 months! So we're constantly losing something. But on the flip side, we should always be gaining something. If you're 70, and all you're doing is walking 10 minutes a day to sustain a low fat level or to live an extra 8 hours, you're doing absolutely nothing. You're not gaining anything. If you broke a leg, then fine, rehabilitating it is important. But just getting back what you used to have is not enough. Sustenance for its own sake is useless unless there is improvement.

We're all unsure about lots things. Unsure of what will happen when the sun dies, unsure of what he'll say when he slips on a banana, unsure of why we exist. But if you have a chance to find out...why not? That's what I'm unsure of. Ask questions. It's key. That's 25% of the reason language and e-mail exist. The others are declarative, imperative, and explanatory...sorry I'm disregarding incomplete phrases but you get the point. The point is to ask questions. What's the point again?

Eating is okay. Just exercise more.

5/29/00 -- My homepage has passed 5000 hits!!! Thanks lots, guys!

I'm back in Japan now, in that dreaded "in-between phase", after one big thing ends and before the next big thing starts. In times like these it's hard to lead a meaningful life, to stay motivated, and to keep all one's dreams in sight. But it's gotta be done. Experience is one thing, but having the discipline and the insight to follow up on it with unbiased thought and interpret it in different frames is important for the experience to have meaning. This phase is also a good time to put in hours of practice into things that take a long time...sports, instruments, art. Just don't fall into the trap of eating too much chocolate or sleeping 12 hours a day just because you can. Don't allow yourself to feel productive just because you did the dishes or planned out a schedule for the next 3 days. Do something that will stay with you, achieve ends that will stay with you over the long run. That's what counts...you have to be at least as harsh a judge on yourself as society is.

Time is a strong force. Age eats you alive. I'm still 21, but I can see that now...

Any topic you'd like me to address on this page? Send me an e-mail.

5/22/00 -- I just graduated. This is my last night at Penn. I can't possibly express all that I've felt during the last 4 years in college, but I can positively say that they were the 4 best years of my life. It was great. Thanks...

They say humans forget 95% of what we learn in college within 6 months of graduation. This may be true in terms of academic knowledge like what serotonin does, but I sincerely hope that this is not true of other things, like what to say to a friend when they bomb an exam, how great it feels to be on stage, or how freaky it is to be stepping out of the last greenhouse of the human soul that is, for me, the University of Pennsylvania. This may be the last night at Penn, and in Philly, for me but it will never see its last in my mind. It was great.

I'm feeling surprisingly little in terms of anxiety for the world to come, and sentimentalism for the world to pass. All things must pass, and after 15 years of school, I am ready to give my all to the society...I think. I don't think everything will change. Somethings never do. But maybe that's what's important... It'll be great.

I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone...my family, the special people I've shared special moments with, and everyone else who have affected my life in any remote way. To those I always see but never said 'hi' to... I'm sorry. Here's my 'hi' and 'bye' in one breath.

Gotta join the drunken stupor that used to be the senior class of the University of Pennsylvania. This Cinderella has 7 minutes to run out and join the club of alumni, of adults, of the heirs of the new society...

Signing out of this life, into another...
Takeshi Okamoto
Wharton 2000, 5/22/00 11:53 PM

5/7/00 -- Welcome to the new Random Thoughts page, appropriately named "Random Thoughts 2". The reason this is a new page is to celebrate the moving of my page. Actually it's NOT. I can't figure out why, but I can't type any more on my other page...probably because there's some limit on Fortune City. The link to the old Random Thoughts page is below.

Thanks for your continued support!