Monsignor Michael Meyers, the Director of the Lay Mission Helpers Association in Los Angeles, goes from Africa directly to Papua New Guinea to conduct his big investigation. He went, as after Bill White got home, Lillian Wood, the Assistant Director, told Bill that she did not want to know about the situation there, and that Bill was to write a report for Monsignor Meyers upon his return to Los Angeles from Africa. Bill's reply was that he had been to the police in Papua New Guinea. Lillian replied, "Be sure to put that in your report!"

Now what do Monsignor Meyers and Lillian Wood do? Another of the Mike and Lil Lies is falling apart. Lillian immediately checks with Janice England. Yes, Janice says, Bill did call from Papua New Guinea and say that Brian Schmelzle could go to jail, and now Bill has been to the police. The covers are coming off the cover-up. (Are the sheets in the wind or has the sheet hit the fan?)

This gets more bazaar as only Monsignor Meyers and Lillian Wood and Janice England can manage. You see, Mike Meyers from Africa had Janice England in Los Angeles fax Bill in Papua New Guinea for him and over his name, that they could not trust "fax or phone" for such important information, and that Bill was to report to Los Angeles. So now, well Monsignor Meyers, well he is going to have to investigate what he does not even know about, as Bill is to deliver his report only to Monsignor Meyers, and he is not back yet. How can Monsignor Meyers investigate that which he does not even know about? That is unless he and Lillian Wood and Janice England have been in on this since December, say for about 2 1/2 months.

Let's listen, as Monsignor Meyers returns to the office for his first day back from Africa, or Papua New Guinea, or wherever he has been.

(Monsignor Meyers walks into Lillian's office.)

Monsignor, you are back. How nice to see you. Sit down.

Not right now Lillian, I think I will stand.

No please, please sit. I want you to tell me all about Divine Word and Papua New Guinea. Did you get the covers back on our cover-up? Please sit.

Well, it was quite a trip. It all started in Africa. After you and I spoke on the phone. After that, I decided that I needed a disguise. I could not go to Papua New Guinea as myself, that is a priest. So I bought a disguise in Africa.

What did you buy?

Well, I didn't think of that until I was at the airport in Africa. And it is a long story, but I ended up buying this outfit from a Japanese lady at the airport, and well, I went in the rest room in the passenger lounge and changed, and I went as a geisha girl.

(Lillian smiles and suppresses a laugh with her hand - sort of Japanese style.)

A geisha girl? You went as a geisha girl? That is good. But the Japanese are so small. Did the outfit fit?

Well no. Actually the skirt was way too short. And that was only one of the problems. And the wig kept falling off. And well, there was a group of Japanese businessmen on the same flight, and well, I got up and went to the rest room, and well, they sort of got me in the rest room. And that is one of the reasons I can't sit down.

(Lillian studies Monsignor Meyers carefully.)

One of the reasons? In the rest room? But, but, but, the rest rooms on a plane are so small. How, well how many, I mean, how many businessmen were on the plane?

About 20. They are building a steel mill in Africa. I can tell you that building steel mills is not all that these little buggers do. They can pump iron too.

But, but, but, you can't get 20 people, even little people in a rest room on a plane.

I know, but they came in one at a time.

(Lillian still slightly smiling.)

Why didn't you leave?

Well I wanted to. I really did. Honest Lillian. I am not lying. You have to believe me Lillian. Do you believe me? They would come in one at a time, and the other 19 would hold the door shut. Do you believe me?

(Lillian continues to suppress a smile)

But of course. I mean yes. But, well, why didn't you, well, leave the rest room, I mean in the first place?

Well, actually what happened, is well, remember the skirt was way too short. Way way too short. I might have had it on backwards too. I've dressed in drag before, I mean, I have never dressed that way, except for Halloween maybe, well anyway, I have never had a geisha outfit on before, and well, the thing just happened.

"Thing" happens. (Lillian continues to look bemused.)

Yes. Well, I was using the rest room, man style, you know. (Lillian nods knowingly). And as I was standing there - you try getting it out sometime in a dress - with my back to the door, - well, I pulled the skirt up around my waist, - and I sort of bent over to look for it, - and my wig fell off, and into the, well, it fell in.

Yes?

Well, I bent over further to retrieve it, - my wig that is, - I still have not found the other - and well just then, I think, well the plane hit an air pocket or something. Everything started going up and down. Anyway, my head got stuck, well it got stuck, well, in the toilet, - I had the seat up and all, - and I must have bumped the door with my behind, and anyway, it opened, and the next people in line, well they were all those Japanese businessmen, all 20 or so of them. You know how organized and united those people are.

Well, yes, I mean, well, even with you dressed up as a woman, well, I mean, didn't they well know, you, or she, or, well it, it was a man?

I guess not. I mean, well they all got me from behind, my head being stuck and all, and well, anyway, I have always been told, all the way back to seminary, that I had a cute butt.

Well, no wonder you can't sit down.

Yes, let me tell you, those Japanese may be little, but they have big.....(Lillian interrupts him)

Well, yes of course. But how did it go when you got to Papua New Guinea? Did you still have your disguise on when you got there?

Well yes, but it got worse. Remember, I am sneaking into town, so no one will know that I am there. So I have not told the school I am coming. Not Brian or even Fr. Jan Czuba.

Of course. That makes sense. You are not supposed to be there, just as you and I are not supposed to be in bed with Fr. Jan. So how did you get to town, and where did you stay?

Well, I thought I was getting into the truck of one of the resort hotels. I was a little disoriented at that point, I must admit, having had my head stuck all that time and, well, all the rest.

What happened?

Well, it was not a truck from one of the hotels, but a truck full of rascals. I wondered why there were so many porters, and they did not take me to town? They took me down the road and then turned into the bush. I think it was my skirt at the airport in Madang that did it.

Couldn't you pull your skirt down?

Well, it was way way too short, as I told you, and sort of ripped open in the back by that time, and anyway, and well, remember I never did get my wig back, and well being a blond and all, and well I don't think those rascals had never had seen a blond woman, and well those rascals gang raped me in the bush.

(Lillian gets an excited look on her face)

Well, then we didn't lie to Bill White. Well, all right we lied to Bill about the emergency, but we didn't lie to the rest of the volunteers. It is too dangerous for women in PNG! Way too dangerous. That is why I didn't go. It really is. I told the truth. Yes, the truth! I told the truth. The Truth! I just did not know it when I told it, and I thought it was a lie, but it was the truth. Let's get Janice in here as a witness and to write this all down. The truth. I told the truth. I can't believe it, but I told the truth. Let's get Janice in here.

Yes Lillian, absolutely. You told the truth. And I can tell you, if you are a blond, and your bare butt is hanging out in back, it is definitely too dangerous for women in Papua New Guinea.

Well of course, that too, but we can leave those parts out. Well, we'll get Janice later. But tell me, didn't they at some point discover, well, that you were, well, a man?

I don't know. I certainly was not going to tell them. Then they might really be mad at me. And at some point, well I don't think they really cared, me being a blond and all, and my butt being bare. The rascals did say that I had a cute butt.

Well, that is awful. They call criminals down there "rascals"?

Yes. And they are not kidding. Not the "little rascals" like the old movies up here on TV. These are big rascals. They may be short in stature down there, but let me tell you those rascals are really big. I mean they have big....

(Lillian interrupts again)

Well yes, of course. But, how did you get to town?

Well, they drove me in, right after. Turns out there were not really bad guys after all. Actually, they were very much like Brian.

Brian? Brian Schmelzle? Our Brian?

Well yes. Not that they were mentally impaired too. It was just that they didn't have much impulse control like Brian. Anyway, I figured if we were going to keep the cover-up going, I was going to have to forgive Brian. Otherwise, I would have to bring him home. So I forgave them all, and they gave me a ride into town.

Well yes, of course. I see now. You were going to have to forgive Brian about Nene, and the blackmail, and the thefts, and all the rest, so you forgave them first. How nice.

Yes, and it is a good thing that I did. It turns out that they are all friends of Fr. Jan.

Fr. Jan? Fr. Jan Czuba SVD? Fr. Jan certainly gets around.

Well yes. That is why we are in all this trouble to begin with. Gets around too much. Way too much. I sure wish Fr. Jan had not got Bill White to get him out of the blackmail situation with Bob.

No, that was not too wise. I guess he didn't figure that Bill would figure it out.

No, actually, Fr. Jan says it was our fault. He thought we had sent him two retarded teachers.

But Bill has nine years of college and four degrees. And Brian Schmelzle has never been to collage. How could he figure that Bill White was retarded too, I mean mentally impeded or cranially challenged?

I ask him that, and he said he figured that we made up the part about Bill being to college, just like we did about Brian. Why does no one believe us Lillian?

(Lillian shakes her head)

I don't know Monsignor. Maybe we need a "sign" when we are telling the truth.

A sign? I have heard of signs. They mentioned them at seminary once. Well maybe more than once, but once when I went to class. Are they something that you carry with you, and hold up, when you are telling the truth?

Never mind Monsignor. But how did things go at the hotel?

Oh, I could not stay there. I had to find another hotel that very night.

Was it too dangerous for women? Did someone try to rape you again?

Worse than that. Much worse. They were having a police convention there, and I could not stay there. I mean, here I am in the middle of a criminal cover-up of sex and blackmail and extortion, and theft, and Bill White has been to the police, and here they are having a convention right there at the hotel.

Good thinking Monsignor. But, would they have spotted you, I mean with your outfit on and all? I mean, that is the reason you wore it, in the first place.

Well yes. But the rascals, the ones that are friends of Fr. Jan, well they told me afterwards that really my disguise was not very good, at least at that point, and that they have very strict laws in PNG about cross dressing. Unlike here, where I do it all the time, I mean where other people can do it all the time, well down there they put you in jail for it. Can you imagine how many years I could have got for a cover-up of extortion and blackmail and grand theft, and cross dressing at a police convention?

That is serious. We certainly don't want any police. Good thing you did not stay at the first hotel. How did you get to the second one?

Well, I was not going to get in a truck with a bunch of rascals again, and the first set of rascals had left, and I could not hardly ask the first hotel to drive me to the second one, because they were having a police convention, so I walked. It was almost dark by then, and I figured no one would see me.

So you walked to the other hotel?

Well, not exactly. Another bunch of rascals saw me on the road, and stopped and tossed me in the back of their truck, and well, do I have to tell you what happened next?

No. Well, we can use that one to prove that it is too dangerous for women in PNG.

I suppose, but maybe not. Those rascals said it was not my outfit that attracted them, or that my butt was bare, although it was cute, or that I was blond. No, it was my walk. I didn't think my walk was provocative. I was just trying to exercise it a little, after all it had been through. But all of these rascals were gay. They said my walk gave me away. But I forgave them, and they dropped me off at the second hotel. Did I mention that they were good friends of Fr. Jan Czuba too?

No, but was it good to finally get in your own room?

It certainly was. And it was so good to get out of those women's cloths, or what was left of them anyway. I had no idea.

(Lillian smiles)

Yes, you men don't know how lucky you are, all we have to do.

Well, actually I do, but my things here in LA, well at least they fit. And my feet hurt so bad, from the high heels.

But Monsignor, geisha girls don't wear high heels.

I know. I know that Lillian. But if you thought the skirt was too short and the wig too small, I could not get the slippers on at all. And I could not go bare footed. That would have given the whole disguise away. So I also bought a pair of high heels at the airport in Africa. From another lady. Actually they went well with my outfit, and I always wanted a pair that color, but they were a little too small too, and way too high. Anyway, it was good to finally be in my own room, and get some rest. I wonder if the volunteers have any idea what we go through to keep them in the field?

I am sure they don't and I certainly hope they don't. Remind me to tell you about my trip, and Barbara Bardenheier and Paul Redmond and what I went through. But first, tell me the rest about Papua New Guinea.

Well, there is not much else to tell. I called the school the next morning to set up an appointment for Fr. Jan to come down to the hotel. One of the secretaries answered the phone. Well, as I am in the middle of a cover-up, I disguised my voice, so she would not know it was me.

Another disguise. Your voice. Good thinking. Did it work?

Well no. Brian says the people of PNG are really dumb, but it turns out they are very smart. I heard the secretary call out to Fr. Jan that it was Monsignor Meyers on the phone, and I was at the Madang Lodge.

But, how did she know?

Well, I guess I can called down there so many times by that time dealing behind Bill's back, that she just recognized my voice, even if I disguised it.

But how did she know you were at the Madang Lodge? Do they have, well they can't have caller ID down there, do they?

Well no. I ask Fr. Jan later, and well it seems that the people of PNG have very good hearing. And, well, I hardly noticed, but there was this band playing in the back ground, there at the hotel. And well, she heard, and recognized the band, and told Fr. Jan that it was me, and I was at the Madang Lodge.

Well, your disguises are not working too well. But did Fr. Jan come down to the hotel?

Well, yes. But he had to come later. He was having a student conference right then.

A student conference. Fr. Jan certainly is active at Divine Word. I mean, the President and all, you would not think he would have time for student conferences.

Well yes, but this was with his adopted daughter. Ever since Fr. Elmer Elsbernd had them station guards around him at night, it has been very difficult for him to see his daughter. They hardly get to spend any time together. Quality time anyway. So he has lots of student conferences with her. Loooooong conferences. All day sometimes.

That is nice. Right there in his office?

Well yes. Anyway, he didn't get down to the hotel until that night. It was a long conference that day.

What did you do all day?

Well, I got to thinking that maybe the house keeper, or room service might come by the room, and I really didn't want to go out, so I put back on my geisha outfit and rested on the bed. On my stomach, I might add.

Good idea. So Fr. Jan came by later?

Well yes. But it was a bad idea putting on my geisha outfit. It turns out that Fr. Jan has a thing for Japanese women.

Those too? Oh dear Monsignor. You really did have a bad trip. Didn't he know it was you?

They all seem to know Lillian, but they all don't seem to care. I kept saying to him, "Come on Jan, you know it's me, Mike!"

What did he say?

He said, "Come on Mike, you know what I like!"

Well, he does have a point there. We, being in bed with him for months, well, it is not like you, I mean, we, well, that we didn't know, you know.

Well yes. Immediately after I forgave him.

Did he tell you that you had a cute butt?

How did you know?

Just a lucky guess.

Oh. Well, actually that is not the reason I forgave him, or the main reason anyway. I forgave him because, well, he was going to have to forgive Brian for blackmailing him, so I had to forgive him.

How Christian. Did he forgive Brian?

Well actually he said he didn't have to.

Why not?

Well, it was not his money to begin with. So there was nothing for him to forgive. No, it was the SVD's money, not his. That actually he thought that Brian was rather enterprising. And well, as for Brian taking off overseas with Nene, another man's wife, well he had actually already forgiven him for that. And that forgiveness had nothing to do with Brian blackmailing him either, as that awful Bill White contends. No, he forgave him for that, because, well, that was not his daughter, or his lover, or his wife, so it was really none of his business.

And anyway, he said that Nene has a cute butt, and so he understood how Brian felt. Understood perfectly. Something about, "Judge not that you be not judged."

Very very good. And biblical.

Is it? Biblical? Nene's cute butt is biblical? A biblical butt? Where? What part? What verse? Maybe I am in there too!

(Lillian smiles.)

Oh never mind. So all is forgiven?

Well, I still had to get Brian down there to the hotel and forgive him before I came home. Brian came down the next day. Fr. Jan spent the night. He said it drives the guards crazy when they can't find him at night. He says they have to check the room of every student on campus, men and women.

How wonderful. You certainly were making good progress. Too bad you could not sit down.

Well yes. Anyway, Brian came down the next day, and I forgave him, and I blessed the entire mess, I mean situation, and we said some prayers.

How wonderful. Then everyone forgave everyone?

Well, not exactly. Brian said he would never forgive Bill White. That since Bill resigned and left, and it had only been a few days at that point, well he has actually had to repair a couple of things. And, as Bill was doing most of his work before, well now he had to even ink the printers for the computers, and well, he was getting his hands dirty, and well, he would never forgive Bill.

Well, he does have a point. After all, we told Brian that he was going to be a college professor if he went down there.

I know we told him that. But Brian knows he has never been to college.

Well, maybe he is like you and me.

How is that?

Maybe he is starting to believe the lies himself.

I never thought of that. Believe the lie? Oh my!

Yes, and anyway, he has been to college.

He has? Lillian, are you sure? You are not lying to me, are you Lillian? Lillian?

No. Of course not. He has been to Divine Word for seven months now. He practically has his degree, a B.A.

B.A.? What does that stand for? Oh yeah, Bare A.... Oh, I get it. From Nene. Brian has a B.A. in butt.

I had not thought of it just that way, but well yes, of course. On the job training.

Well yes, but he wants to be like Fr. Jan Czuba. He wants a Ph.D.

In computer science? Like Fr. Jan? In theology?

No, he says a Ph.D. in Pus....(Censored). What does that mean Lillian?

I don't know. These young people use a lot of slang. I'll ask Barbara Bardenheier when I get home tonight.

Are you going to call Barbara Bardenheier when you get home tonight?

No, she is living with me.

I thought she was in Thailand? Do you live in Thailand now?

No, I still live in San Gabriel. Barbara came home. I'll tell you about she and Paul Redmond after you finish about Papua New Guinea. You think you had problems! What a pair!

Oh, o.k. Well anyway, where were we? Oh yes, Brian will not forgive Bill, and says that we should kick Bill out of the program. That Bill did not do his job. That Bill's job was to do Bill's own job, and Brian's job, and that Bill is not doing either one of them now. And now Brian is having to do some work, and he is not getting to spend near as much time with Nene, even when her husband is out of town. Hey, it might even take him longer to get his bare ass, I mean his B.A. on her bare butt. Maybe that is it. Bill is hindering Brian's education.

Well, Brian has a very good point there. Maybe Brian already has his Ph.D. That kid can really reason. I have been thinking that we have to kick Bill out too.

Well yes, me too. I have been thinking that we have to kick Bill out, and not because you and I have been in bed with Fr. Jan Czuba.

Of course not. What a man!

Thank you Lillian.

I mean Fr. Jan.

Oh. Hey, why does he get all the credit? I have been in bed with him for months now too, so to speak, and well, actually for the last few days, and well I should get some of the credit.

Well, yes. But you are the Director of the Lay Mission Helpers. You are "God's Helper." I am "God's Helper." But Fr. Jan, well that is another story. He is, well he is practically, well God!

Well, yes I suppose. But he has not had to put up with the abuse that I have. All in the name of God, I might add.

(Monsignor Meyers rubs his, well, his butt.)

Yes, but what a man. How many does Fr. Jan have, well on the string, so to speak, .. as we speak?

Well, do you want the men and the women?

No, just the women.

Well let's see. Do you want the names too?

Not right now. You can write them down for me later. "The walls have ears," you know.

Is that biblical?

I don't think so. That is "The hand writing is on the wall." This is a different wall. But anyway, I have to know what to deny, and what didn't happen. It is complicated, you know.

Well, there is the student, and the woman from the hotel, and the woman on the campus, to name three. Those are his main long term ones.

The woman on the campus? The students live on campus. You counted the student twice, or there are two students.

No I didn't. I am talking about the nun.

Oh. A nun. (Pause) The nun? (Another pause) Did Brian and Fr. Steve Louis know about that?

Well of course. Actually, I think it is Bill White that is stupid. We don't want to send any stupid people overseas, ever again. Bill thought that sex with a student was worth the money that is flying around down there.

Yes. Sex with a student is no big deal. Especially for the SVD. So that is what Fr. Steve and Brian had on Fr. Jan. The "Big One" as it were.

Yes. That rates fairly high on the pay scale for priestly perversions or prevarication's.

Well yes. But, well how were Fr. Steve Lewis and Brian going to prove it? Did they catch the fox in the hen house?

No, they didn't catch them "foxing", but they didn't have to. She is pregnant.

Ave Maria!

How did you know?

Know what?

That it is Maria that is pregnant. Sister Maria Florkova.

Jesus Christ!

No, Father Jan Czuba. The other would be incest.

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my...Oh...Oh... never mind. Say, I just thought of something. Our program could use some money too. Could we get cut in on the blackmail action?

Now Lillian. You can't be in bed with someone and be blackmailing them at the same time too.

Yes you can. You definitely can. When I was young, I ... well never mind. I tell you that you can do it. Easy.

(Lillian rubs her hands together)

Well, would that be very Christian?

What does that have to do with anything?

(Lillian continues to rub her hands pensively)

I don't know. I just thought I would add that.

(Monsignor Meyers rubs his behind pensively.)

Well it certainly sounds like you did good work down there. But remember the reason I called you in Africa, and the reason you went to New Guinea was that Bill White went to the police. What did you and Fr. Jan Czuba do about that?

Well, good question. Obviously Fr. Jan and I have to solve that little problem. But neither one of us can just walk into the police station and ask if they wanted to arrest any of us, or Brian for that matter.

Good point. So what did you do?

Well, the school had to hire a lawyer to fly up from Port Moresby and talk to the police.

That must have been expensive.

It certainly was. You pay those people by the hour, including travel time, plus expenses. Divine Word had to pay the law firm more than Brian had stolen up to that time. Not a fraction of all of the blackmail and theft, but more than Brian's share. I say that is the real crime, and it is all Bill White's fault.

Well yes, absolutely. Criminal, I would say. That Bill White is worse than a criminal. So is everything all right now?

Well yes, for the time being. Turns out, that with Bill White out of the county, well, there is no one to make the complaint with the police, so of course the SVD is not complaining, and Fr. Jan is not complaining, and Brian is not complaining, except about Bill that is, and I am not complaining, and so, well the whole thing just sort of goes away.

Well, that is certainly good. Now how do we get Bill White to just "sort of go away"?

I don't know. He certainly is a pain in the ass.

(Monsignor Meyers, still standing, rubs his behind.)

You can say that again.

That Bill White is certainly is a pain in ... oh, I get it...

Well anyway, Brian is still blackmailing Fr. Jan, because Sr. Maria is still pregnant, but we have the lid on it. Fr. Jan won't go to the police, because it is not his money, and the SVD can't, even though it is their money, and well every one is happy.

Good. What are they going to do about that, I mean Sr. Maria being pregnant and all?

Well, abortion is out. We talked about that, but well, Papua New Guinea, well, how can I say this, it is a Christian county, and well, you can't get an abortion all that easily. Besides, we talked with the lawyer about that, and abortion is criminal down there. It carries a longer term than blackmail.

Darn. Some of these countries actually take these things seriously.

Yes, and anyway, she is Catholic.

I figured as much, she being a nun and all.

Yes, and well, it is sort of a problem. See, they were short of teachers before Bill resigned, and even before Brian started to blackmail Fr. Jan, and thus decided to do nothing, and before Bill got Fr. Steve Lewis fired, and before Bob resigned, and of course Bob's wife quit as Bob is leaving, and well, it is a problem. I mean, they are so short of people, and now Sr. Maria is pregnant, and she might have to leave too. It is like they hardly have any teachers, or staff, or administrators left.

Well yes. Sr. Maria Florkova is the Vice President of Finance, if I recall. What are they going to do?

Well, I suggested to Fr. Jan and Fr. Pat Gesch, and Fr. Elmer Elsbernd, the Superior, that they all say that she swallowed a watermelon seed.

Well, I don't know if even the students would buy that.

Well Lillian you might be surprised. Some people will believe anything as long as a priest said it. We don't lie you know.

I know, but at some point, well they are going to know, that that is not a watermelon. Fr. Jan always has big ideas, and he is the one that got everyone into this situation. Did he have any ideas?

Well yes. He wants to go with the virgin birth. A miracle. Fr. Jan has it all figured out. See, it is the 100 anniversary of the SVD in PNG. And Fr. Arnold Janssen, the founder of the SVD has been beatified, and Fr. Jan says that is just the miracle needed for his sainthood. All that Sr. Maria has to say is that she was praying to Blessed Arnold Janssen, and well the rest is history.

Fr. Jan certainly can be inventive. It might work. Could they get Sr. Maria to go along with it?

Well Fr. Jan says that she will do, or say anything that he tells her to. Until then, he says that her lips are sealed.

Yes, well too bad her legs weren't locked.

Well yes. But no use crying over spilled watermelon seeds now.

No, I suppose not. Say, what are they going to do with the baby, or watermelon, or whatever?

Well, we talked about that too. Fr. Pat Gesch and Fr. Elmer Elsbernd, the Superior, well they want to send Sr. Maria back to Europe to a home for unwed nuns.

Good idea. Wait, I thought all nuns were unwed?

Well yes. But not all of them are unwed and pregnant. This is a different or special home. But Fr. Jan, well he always has all these big ideas. He still wants to go with the virgin birth story. He says it would be great for tourism down there. I forget how he said it. Something about, "Don't Hide, Advertise."

What a man. How does he want them to do it?

Well, he wants them to build a stable down next to the hotel of Peter Barter in town. The Madang Resort Hotel. Build it on their land. Right next to it. That is the big hotel in Madang out on the point. Something about no room at the inn, or Resort or something. Then Divine Word goes into partnership with Peter Barter and the hotel. Well, when the announcement is made, well they split the profits from all the tourists. I believe someone said it is called a pilgrimage.

Fr. Jan certainly has big ideas.

Well yes. And well, Madang is a seaport, and you could have all the cruise ships, and well the PNG government, well they are going to add an international airport, either at Lae or Madang, and of course Madang would get it then, and well it would really be an economic boom. Bigger than the gold rush in the 1930's. I believe Fr. Jan even said, well that our Brian Schmelzle could be a wise man.

What a man. When do I get to meet Fr. Jan? I have been in bed with him for so long now, I practically feel like I know him.

Well yes, he kept asking about you. He said to thank you for all that you have done for him, helping keep the lid on this whole thing, and well, he wanted to know if you had a nice butt.

(Monsignor Meyers rubs his butt.)

(Lillian rubs her butt)

Well, I will have to sign up for a gym tomorrow. Before I go on my missed missionary journey to Divine Word, or my pilgrimage, or whatever, I'll have buns of steel.

Buns that steal? There is already enough stealing at Divine Word with Brian and the rest there. But if you want to dress up as a geisha girl, well that is another matter. You won't have to steal. Fr. Jan will give it to you. He'll give it to you good, I can tell you that. Go as a geisha.

Well, I will take several costumes. Does Fr. Jan like whips and leather?

How did you know?

Just a lucky guess. But back to this virgin birth thing. Does Fr. Jan really think that will work?

Lillian, I have to keep telling you, most people will believe anything that a priest says. It really is quite remarkable. You can tell people practically anything, and if you are a priest, most of them will believe you. All but that awful Bill White, that is. Fr. Jan says that people should believe priests. I think he is a heretic.

Fr. Jan? You think Fr. Jan is a heretic?

No, that Bill White. Anyway, as Fr. Jan sees it, his little, what shall we call it, well indiscretion, or miracle, or what ever, well it will save the SVD, and Divine Word Institute, and perhaps the entire economy of Papua New Guinea. Think of all the foreign currency that all those tourists will bring into PNG.

Well, I don't know. What will the people of Papua New Guinea think about all of this?

Fr. Jan thought of all of that too. The people of PNG, well most can't afford to stay at the luxury hotel. But they could all stay at Divine Word Institute in new dormitories that Fr. Jan wants to build. And Fr. Jan would then run tour buses down to the stable.

I don't know, but it might work.

Well yes. And no one but Catholics would be allowed. No Lutherans, or Anglicans, or Adventists, or anything else. We are not going to allow them to hijack Jesus again. Unless, of course they wish to convert. Then Fr. Jan and Fr. Trevor Cullen run them through the mass, and onto the bus, and down to the stable.

You think that would work?

Well, and if they spend the week or at least a weekend at Divine Word, well then they can go to class once, and then graduation, and become an alumnus of Divine Word, with a certificate and everything.

Well maybe. It might work.

Well yes, and the way Fr. Jan sees it, well in no time there will be thousands and thousands and thousands of graduates of Divine Word Institute in Papua New Guinea. And well, with that many graduates, well Divine Word must be a University, and not just a small institute, and so Fr. Jan will declare it a University, and then it is a University.

I thought it was already a University?

Well not really. Remember they have our retarded person, Brian, I mean mentally challenged, as the head of the computer department, to name just one of the problems, but Fr. Jan is working on all of that. You have to hand it to Fr. Jan. He gets Sr. Maria Florkova pregnant, and he does not see a problem, he sees a great opportunity. I would say he is a true visionary.

He is like the man that has nothing but lemons, so he makes lemonade.

I thought it was watermelons, but I am beginning to see what you are saying. Yes, I am beginning to see, and it might work. Fr. Jan has an erection, so he decides to erect something. In this case, a University.

Yes, that is it. And well, Fr. Jan is indeed a visionary and he has more erections in mind. He says that Sr. Maria and the baby can't stay in the stable forever, and will probably want to tour Europe or something at some point. So Fr. Jan wants to build a tower on campus at Divine Word where Sr. Maria prayed to Arnold Janssen, or whatever she was doing, and was, well, filled with the holy spirit, or whatever she was filled with, and all the pilgrims can keep coming to Divine Word, and getting converted, and graduated, and whatever else they need.

Fr. Jan wants to call Madang the "New Jerusalem", and he calls the whole concept "One Stop Shopping."

I believe that should be "New Bethlehem", not "New Jerusalem".

Well whatever. Fr. Jan is basically a concept man. He will probably leave the details to someone else, like our Brian or one of his other department heads. If Brian says "New Jerusalem", well it is New Jerusalem. I believe Brian is going to be the head of religious education department as well as the computer department. Remember Brian is also a Wise Man. Where would Brian he look that up, anyway, that New Jerusalem part?

I think the bible, but I'll check and fax Brian later and tell him where, and which way is East ....... but I just had a terrible thought.

What is that?

What if it is a girl?

Well leave it to Fr. Jan. He has thought of that too. Now I suggested that the baby be a cross dresser like me. But he has a better idea. See Fr. Jan, well he just had a baby, a baby boy, with the hairdresser, at another hotel. So if this one turns out to be a girl, well he just switches them, the babies that is. Same Father both.

So the hairdresser is the woman in town that you mentioned. Now remember, no names.

I remember. "The ears on the wall can write. " That's biblical I believe you said.

Something like that. Well, Bill White was really off base, I mean thinking that all that money was changing hands over Fr. Jan having sex with a student. Did Brian and Fr. Steve know about that baby?

Well of course. You try to keep that a secret in a town as small as Madang. Anyway, Renada now lives on campus too.

No names now. But she lives on campus? Fr. Jan has all of his lovers on campus. How nice. Where does she live?

She lives over the store north of the main gate. Fr. Jan was going to run the story of the virgin birth with her, but he had been hanging around her too much. He may be the only priest in New Guinea, well maybe the world, that gets his hair cut three times a week. He practically lived with Renada, he got so many haircuts.

Please no names, but what a guy. He certainly is well shorn. Now I see why you need that written report from Bill White. We need to see how much of all of this Bill White knows about.

Well of course. That is the only reason we need the report. And Bill might. You see, I was talking to Fr. Pat Gesch, and the last time Bill went to mass, before he resigned, well that was the baptism of Renada's baby. As Fr. Pat told me, Bill said it was "quite a show."

No names now. But baptism? At mass? Was it a small mass?

Well no. It was the main mass, well the first Sunday mass after all the students were back on campus after vacation.

Well, that is, how can I say it, well a little bold or brazen. But then, how would Bill White or anyone else figure it out? Just because there was no father there? That does not really prove anything, does it?

No, the problem was that Fr. Trevor Cullen and Fr. Jan co-celebrated the mass, so there were two Fathers there. And well, Fr. Trevor told the whole congregation that people thought the father was, well a priest?

Ave Maria!

No, but Sr. Maria was there too. As was the student lover, and the faculty, and staff, and well, the whole student body.

Good God! Why, why did Fr. Trevor tell the whole assembly that the father was a Father?

Well I ask them that. Seems that Fr. Steve Louis had cut Fr. Trevor in on the blackmail, and Fr. Jan Czuba was late on the payment to Fr. Trevor, and well, Fr. Trevor was just letting him know about it.

Why would he be late in the payment? I mean if you are being blackmailed, you better make the payments.

Well yes, but you see, Fr. Jan had emptied the treasury, and well, with school just starting and school fees, well the money was just starting to come back in, and well they had to pay Fr. Steve and our Brian first, and well, Fr. Jan said it was really Sr. Maria's fault, as she is the financial officer, and she was supposed to make the payments.

Why didn't Sister Maria make the payment?

I ask them about that and they said she said that she forgot. That she had morning sickness that week.

Good God! And you are not sure whether Bill knows about that one?

Which one? This gets a little complicated you know. Well anyway, I talked this all over with Fr. Jan, and Fr. Pat Gesch, and Fr. Elmer Elsbernd, the Provincial Superior, and the main thing is that we need that report from Bill to see how much of all this he knows.

Fr. Elmer Elsbernd, the Superior. You saw him too? Did he come to your hotel room, and did you wear your disguise?

Well no, I stopped at Mt. Hagen before I came home and saw him. And I wore my outfit to the airport, but I changed back into my priestly vestments in the rest room on the plane. Let me tell you, I looked around to see if there were any Japanese businessmen, or any rascals, or friends of Fr. Jan on that flight, and I made certain that the rest room door was locked tight.

Did you have any problems this time?

Well a couple, but nothing serious. I stuffed the geisha outfit down the airplane toilet and stopped it up. And I forgot to bring another pair of shoes with me, they were in the bag that I checked, so I had to wear the high heels with my clerical clothes, but other than that, it went fine.

You stopped up the toilet?

Yes, and the next passenger got the stewardess, well, as the toilet was now overflowing, and well she got the steward, and he got the captain. You see, they all thought that the geisha girl had fallen in.

Oh dear.

Yes, well they could not find her on the plane, and everyone remembered her, her bare butt and all. And I could not tell them that I was her.

She.

Well, whatever. So finally, they got me involved.

How?

Well, they had me go in, and give her the Last Rites.

What a mess.

No shit, I mean you're telling me. I thought about closing the door, and you know, sort of pulling her out, that is the clothes, and putting them back on, but even I did not want to wear them at that point.

I don't blame you. This is some story Monsignor. Are you certain it is all true?

Lillian? Lillian! Would I lie to you?

Of course not. Any other problems on the plane?

Well nothing major. The toilet kept running and over flowing, and well, the water, or whatever it was, well it ran down below where they stow all the luggage, and got in all of the luggage, and the people on that plane, well, they were really mad at that geisha girl after they found out about that. If she had not been already dead, well I think they would have killed me, I mean her.

I'll bet. Anything else?

Well yes. We all had to wait several hours at Mount Hagen for our luggage, as they could not do anything, or even unload the plane, until they got a electrician there about the leaking toilet.

A electrician? What do you need a electrician for, for a leaking toilet?

I don't know, but that is what we all waited for. Most of the day.

Well, if we ever have a leaking toilet at the mission house, I will remember to call a electrician before we do anything else. But how did your meeting finally go with Fr. Elmer Elsbernd in Mt. Hagen?

Well good. I mean, he didn't try anything on me, if you know what I mean.

That is good. What did Fr. Elmer say about the whole situation at Divine Word Institute?

Well not much. Actually he can't say or do much. Turns out that Fr. Jan has got something on Fr. Elmer, and well he is not in a position to do much of anything about anything.

Well that explains it all. Fr. Jan has something on the Superior. Does Fr. Elmer have a cute butt?

No, but he said that Fr. Jan does. Do you suppose it is something in the water down there or something?

Do you mean the holy water?

Well I never thought of that. Maybe that too. I will tell you that SVD is one butt crazy bunch, and now Brian too.

What did Fr. Elmer say about Brian?

Well he wants him to become a priest. It seems it does not make any difference if you are retarded, I mean cerebrally deficient, or cranially challenged, or whatever. In fact the SVD seems to prefer that. And Fr. Elmer is trying to reform the SVD, and he thinks Brian would be a good fit for the "New SVD".

That is wonderful. What did he like so much about Brian?

That Brian likes girl butt and not boy butt. And Fr. Elmer, well he was not concerned about that Nene was married. No, and he was really impressed because she was of age. Boy butt and underage or young butt is out, but all other butt is o.k.

Well, that is wonderful. When is the SVD going to make this change?

Well, it is part of a new millennium resolution. Fr. Jan is just a transitional figure, as he likes both butt. But they had to start with him, as well, he is the only one in the SVD down there that they have, that likes girl butt at all. What Fr. Elmer told me, well they didn't know, that well, with Fr. Jan, well butt, well it is sort of like potato chips.

Too fattening? (Lillian looks startled.)

Butt is fattening, as in "fat butt"?

(Lillian reflexively or reflectively rubs her butt)

No. It is just that he can't stop at one. He wants the whole bag.

I see now. The whole bag. The whole bag of butt. I guess you could say that "butt" is Father Jan's "bag". (Lillian continues to rub her butt.)

Well yes. But also Fr. Elmer and I had quite a philosophical discussion, about the future direction of the Church, and the priesthood and all.

How interesting. Does he think, well in light of his own reforms of the SVD, I mean right there in the SVD in PNG, well that priests should or could marry?

No. He does not foresee that.

Why not? Objections from Rome?

No, well that too, but no. Why would you buy a potato, when you can get all the chips you want free?

Good point. I see what you mean. Sort of like a chip off the old potato. And in the case of Brian with Nene, even a chip off someone else's potato. That is sort of the best of all worlds.

Yes. And Fr. Elmer, well he said he would keep an eye on Brian for us, and well see that, well he doesn't develop a taste for the wrong chips, that is, well.... boy butt.

That is wonderful. The Superior himself is looking out for Brian and his moral well being.

(Lillian pauses.)

Barbara Bardenheier and I were in a gay, I mean a regular bar a few nights ago, and they were saying something similar. But wait, maybe it was at the Gay and Lesbian Coalition prayer meeting. Well it was one or the other. And, well, this is something like what they were saying there too.

Really? What did they say?

Well, of course I don't remember exactly, as I was not taking notes, or paying much attention, but I think it was,

"Once you try boy butt,

You don't want no slut."

That is good. That is really good. And even I know that that is not biblical. I will have to tell Fr. Elmer that the next time I talk with him on the phone. He will like that.

Do please, and tell him I told you. Does, well does Fr. Elmer, well like, well women?

No, he is not into women's butt. He talks the talk, the reform and all, but he does not walk the walk. In fact, I am really not certain whether Fr. Jan is blackmailing Fr. Elmer, or just keeps threatening to cut him off.

Oh. Well are you certain he is the right one to look out for Brian and well Brian's moral well being?

Well yes. Fr. Elmer said it takes a thief to catch a thief, or a butt boy to catch a boy butt, or something like that.

I don't think I have ever heard that expression, about the thief that is. What does it mean?

Well I had not either, so I ask Fr. Elmer what it meant too. He said he has all the butt boys on his personal payroll, so he would have them tell him if Brian goes after any boy butt.

Well that is wonderful. It is sort of like he has all the boy butt in his hip pocket, next to his...butt...butt...but what if, I mean, what if well one of them go after Brian's butt?

Well, Fr. Elmer said that then Brian is on his own. That he can't do everything and be everywhere. That Brian will just have to cover his own butt.

Wise words and well chosen. Well, it sounds like your trip was a smashing success.

Yes, smashing. I just wish my butt was not so sore. (Rubs butt.) But as Fr. Elmer said, "When in Rome, do as the Roman's do." Is that biblical, Lillian?

I don't think so, but it might be in the Catechism. (Scratches head, then butt.) But, butt, but... (Continues to scratch) I thought you went to Papua New Guinea. Did you go to Rome too?

No. I don't think so. Unless we stopped there while my head was stuck. I think it is just an expression.

Oh.

(Continues to scratch.)

But remember, I did not go to Papua New Guinea either. I just got back from Africa, and beyond that we deny everything.

(Continues to rub.)

Yes. I will deny everything. But, what a man, Fr. Jan Czuba that is. (Continues to scratch.)

I never heard of him.

(Continues to rub.)

Monsignor, are you lying to me? Oh, I get it.

(Scratches her head.)

(The conversation continues.)

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 (Revised June 19, 1999. All rites reserved, SVD in PNG, copyright 1999)