Disclaimer: This is a sequel to Anya's Gone. The Characters mentioned and named in this story are the property of J.Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Warner Bros..etc, etc. No infringement is intended.

"Nooooooooooo!"

Willow Rosenburg sat straight up in her bed, trembling and sobbing as the ghastly images still hung about her. The door to her room crashed open as a frantic Angel came in expecting some sort of danger. He only saw a terrified Willow, now rocking back and forth in her bed, as she tried to blot out the nightmare which had made her cry out loud. He came immediately to her side.

"It's alright. It was just a nightmare," Angel whispered to her as if to trying to sooth a child. He stroked her hair and kept saying it over and over again until Willow, as if suddenly hearing him for the first time, sobbed brokenly, "But its not just a nightmare. It's real, Angel. I'm a vampire and-and...oh God."

Angel had no reply. He could only hold Willow and wait until her heartbreaking sobs had quieted. Finally after a long while, she pulled back. Angel dried the tears from her face. Looking up at him, Willow thanked him shyly.

"Do you want me to stay until you get back to sleep?" Angel asked softly.

"I don't think sleep is in my immediate future," she muttered then hesitated, "The nightmares, Angel, they're getting worse and worse. I-I don't want to be alone. Please. Stay?"

Taking a glance at her upturned face and seeing the dark shadows that looked like bruises under her eyes, Angel said, "Its still hours until sunset, why don't you try and rest a little bit more." Angel dragged an uncomfortable looking chair next to her bedside. He pulled the coverlet over her, tucking her back into bed and said, "Close your eyes. I'll be right here." He then took her small hand in his own.

Less than a week ago they had left Sunnydale and had come to Rome. Ever since they had arrived, Angel knew that Willow struggled with nightmares, but this was the first time she had cried out. The scream that had awoken him tonight would have frozen his blood if he weren't already a vampire.

Angel kept his vigil long after Willow, who despite herself, fell back into an exhausted sleep. He was wrapped deep in bleak thoughts. He contemplated the last two weeks and felt the terrible sorrow over what had happened wash over him again.

Things had been very quiet in Sunnydale after Buffy had defeated the Master. Buffy and Xander took the lull of activity as an opportunity for summer vacations while Willow stayed in the relative peacefulness of a "Master-free" Sunnydale. Even Angel had relaxed his guard a little. But in one summer night everything changed. Giles had been frantic when it was discovered that Willow was missing. He had immediately called Angel to help, and Angel had discovered that Willow had been taken by vampires to the Anointed One.

< I took too long to find her. Too damn long! > Angel thought grimly. Still holding on to Willow's sleeping hand, he tightened his grip a little as he thought about what he had seen when he found her. Because when he had reached the underground caverns of the Anointed One to rescue her, he had stood frozen for a moment in horror at what had been done to Willow. But he had managed to get her out of that hellhole and brought her to the library. Giles, upon seeing Willow's limp and unconscious form, went to call an ambulance.

"She's not going to need an ambulance." Angel had told him with intense regret.

"What on earth are you talking about! Look at her, she's...she's...look at her!" Giles had sputtered as he gazed at Willow's broken body.

"Giles, I don't know how to say it. But...she's been changed."

"Changed, what are you...?" An abrupt, complete silence had filled the room. Almost uncomprehending Giles had gaped at him, then shook his head in fierce denial, "It can't be! No."

Angel couldn't deny what his vampire senses told him. Yet he also knew that this was no ordinary change. Something was different. When Willow regained consciousness, she told them what had happened. Both Angel and Giles knew Willow glossed over the most gruesome parts. Colin had her captured. He had tortured her. She remembered him feeding from her and trying to force her to become a vampire, but she knew that she would rather die. And she had told him that.

Colin had just laughed evilly and said that he would make a vampire that the slayer could never slay. As he drained her she had fought with all her strength, but ultimately there was nothing she could do to prevent the artificial injection of vampire blood into her stomach. Then there was nothing until she woke up in the library.

Colin had managed to get his way, despite the fact Willow had not voluntarily accepted the blood. But the changes that took place in Willow were slow, unlike anything either Angel or Giles had ever heard of before. It was obvious that she still retained her soul. In important ways was different from other vampires; nevertheless, more and more she was taking on bloodlust. As he and Giles had frantically searched in vain for a way to reverse what had been done to her, Willow became determined to kill herself rather than let the demon lurking inside consume her soul entirely. Angel thanked whatever being was out there, that he had been in time to stop her.

It had taken all their desperate persuasion to convince Willow to not give up. Angel felt there had to be a way to keep Willow from losing her soul. If he could regain his soul, there would be a way to anchor hers. The strength of his arguments swayed Willow. It was then that they tried to figure out where they would go. More than anything else, Willow had been adamant in leaving Sunnydale. She knew that just disappearing and letting them think the worst would hurt Xander and Buffy, but she felt the truth would hurt them even more. And she wouldn't, couldn't face them.

Angel decided that he would be the one to leave with her. There was no arguing with him. He was the best person to help her deal with all of this. While he hadn't been able to prevent Willow from being hurt, he vowed to be there for her through this. Even if that meant that he would have to leave Sunnydale. Leave Buffy.

Leaving Buffy had been painful. He hadn't even gotten a chance to say good bye. Angel's darkly handsome face grimaced. He tried to convince himself that it could never have worked out between them anyway. He was a vampire and she was the slayer! Nevertheless, it was in contemplation of the beautiful face and golden hair of the Slayer, that sleep finally claimed Angel.

Willow awoke with the now innate sense that told her it was past sundown. Although the sun was not deadly to Willow, she had started keeping vampire hours with Angel. Blinking she looked over at Angel who, still holding her hand, was sitting asleep in the chair next to her bed. Willow was a bit embarrassed by her weakness in practically begging him to stay with her, but she hadn't dreamed again and she felt it had something to do with his comforting presence. She looked at their intertwined hands. < I would never have thought in the pre-vampire days...ugh I may as well have official PV and AV timelines, kinda like BC and AD. Well anyway, I would never have thought that Angel fell under the category comforting. I can hardly believe that he had been so intimidating to me before. >

She looked up again and saw that Angel had awakened and was looking at her as if to gauge how she was feeling. She blushed and withdrew her hand from his.

"Did you sleep alright?" he asked.

"Oh, much better thanks. Um, did you sleep alright?" Willow asked seeing him grimace a little as he unfolded himself from the chair.

Angel stopped and lying straight-faced said, "Like a baby."

Willow raised her eyebrows to let him know that he wasn't fooling anybody, but she was too grateful for his staying with her to actually call him on it.

"Why don't you take the shower first," Angel suggested.

Willow was suddenly conscious of the fact that they were in her bedroom, she was in her bed and Angel, gulp, was only in black silk pajama bottoms...< I really must have been far gone earlier not to have even noticed that! Doesn't he have anything that isn't in black? > she thought wildly. Aloud she only said, "Sure." Willow didn't trust herself at the moment with any thing more verbal than that.

"I got a positive lead on Brother Lugo," Angel told her after they both had gotten ready for the evening ahead.

Brother Lugo, the man they were seeking, was a fairly mysterious figure. Willow, in her capacity as hacker extraordinaire, had gathered what information she could, but they still knew very little of him. Nevertheless, he seemed to know a great deal about the Anointed One and the prophecies that had surrounded the Master's attempt to open the Hellmouth. Ms. Calendar had received messages from him months before, when Buffy had gone to fight the Master. He had sent out global warnings of doom from Cortona before going underground. Brother Lugo seemed to have more information on the Anointed One than even Giles. So perhaps he might have more information about what Colin had done to her. Help them undo it. She only prayed he could. So since Cortona was the last place from which he had been heard, Angel and Willow decided to begin tracking him down from Rome, which wasn't far from there.

"Where is he?" Willow asked with a little nervous anticipation.

"Right here in Rome." Angel hesitated, but then asked, "You coming with me tonight?"

Willow sighed, "Its time for me to quit hiding or I'll go into a permanent state of hibernation." It would be the first night out for Willow in Rome. In the few days that they had been in Rome, Angel had told her that it was for the best that he scout things out while she gather information on the computer. But the truth was, he knew Willow had been unwilling to go out. She didn't know if she trusted herself to keep from acting on the urges that plagued her now.

Angel made sure that they drank some of their 'supplies' before going out. It made Willow sick at heart to realize that this was a necessity for her now. She drank the lukewarm blood quickly and tried to ignore the sensations that called out for blood, human blood that pulsed with warmth.

< How has Angel managed to ignore these sensations for so long? > she wondered. < He had been a real blood-sucking vampire at one point. He knows what it was to fulfill this urge. But since he got his soul back he knows the consequence of drinking from a person is guilt. Guilt and self-control were the only thing that keeps him in check. Can I rely on those thing to keep me from my demon? > These were the thought that occupied Willow as they headed out.

They found the small monastery where it was reported that Brother Lugo was staying in Rome. Unfortunately the monk lived there so it was a home and they could not enter unless invited. Since that eventuality seemed highly doubtful, it appeared that they would have to wait for him to come out.

As the night passed and it got closer to dawn, Angel said frustrated, "I guess he won't be coming out tonight. It'll have to be tomorrow night. At least we know where he is."

"Angel, he's a monk. Maybe he doesn't have too much of a nightlife. Wouldn't it make sense for me to stay and wait until he comes out in the morning? I can stay here until then. He'll be more receptive if he sees me in sunlight anyway. I mean, he certainly won't jump to conclusions and freak," Willow reasoned.

"I don't like it. I'd have to leave you alone." Angel scowled.

Willow tried to smile bravely. "You can't always be with me. I'll have to face things alone sometimes. This'll just be the first."

"You're right. Angel said finally, although his face showed that he still didn't like it. "I'm just overprotective I guess."

After discussing a few things, he left and Willow stood at the stakeout spot. After little more than an hour, she watched as the sun rose over the buildings and the lure of early morning sunbeams made her walk toward the middle of the piazza. She basked unharmed in the sun's rays. It was the first time in over a week that she had felt sunlight on her face. She gave a small prayer of thanks that even though she was a vampire, she could still experience the warmth of daylight.

By the time the sun was high over head and the piazza had begun to fill with people, Willow sighted the man known as Brother Lugo coming out from the monastery. 'O.K. Time to go to work.' She swiftly stepped in front of him. "Brother Lugo?"

"Yes. How do you know my name?" he asked curiously.

"I've come because I need your help," Willow said ignoring his question, "It's vital that I speak with you, but we can't discuss it here." She said this last part looking pointedly around at the other people nearby. "Come to St. Teresa de Laterno this evening at 10 o'clock." At his doubtful look she added, "Its about vampires and the Anointed One, Brother Lugo."

"I see." He nodded his head in acquiescence but his keen eyes widened to showed his surprise and wariness.

Willow nodded back and turned to walk away. She thought wryly as she vanished into a crowd of people, 'Gee, Angel better watch out. I might become as good as he is at being cryptic.'

As Willow and Angel entered the church, Willow wondered, < Did Angel deliberately pick this church for its atmosphere? > They had chosen a church as a meeting place for Brother Lugo to put the monk more at ease, but Willow had to keep herself from giggling in nervous laughter. < Talk about gothic! >

It was a cavernous church and the massive interior was only kept from being in complete darkness by the flickering glow of a thousand candles. The stone pillars and columns seemed to tower from the floor in a never-ending ascension up through the impenetrable shadows of the ceiling. The church emanated an aura of sanctity and grave majesty.

Angel grew restless, all the crosses nearby were making him uneasy. Willow wasn't so troubled, but then again she hadn't had time to test how crosses and holy water effected her. Besides finding out if her flesh burned when coming into contact with those things just wasn't particularly high on her list of things to do. Up to this point she had optimistically hoped that she was as unaffected by them as she was by sunlight.

But now waiting in the shadows of the church, Willow thought about it and on impulse she dipped her pinky finger into a nearby well of holy water. She hissed in pain as it burned her and snatched her finger out. < Well, there goes my optimism. >

Angel nudged her, "At least now we know you can't play with holy water."

"Perfect. But next time I think to do a little experiment, oh...say with crosses, or garlic stop me," she shot back grimacing.

They stopped their banter abruptly then as the echo of footsteps announced that someone had entered the church.

Brother Lugo stepped cautiously into the church and for the twentieth time was unsure if he had made the right decision in coming here. The girl who told him to come here was a mysterious figure and he wasn't sure that he trusted that. He felt there was something strange about her, something he couldn't quite place his finger on. < But she knows about the Anointed One. That's why I came. She seems so young to be aware of such great evils. >

Brother Lugo himself understood a great deal about the powers of darkness that lay under the surface of the everyday world. He knew of things that most people put down as horror stories put out by fertile imaginations. He knew of demons and vampires.

Willow and Angel stepped out from the deep shadows of an alcove.

"Brother Lugo," Willow called out softly.

"Yes? I have come as you asked." The monk walked toward them. "Tell me, who are you?" he demanded.

"My name is Willow and this," she motioned to her companion, "is Angel. We've come to Rome to find you. To ask you for your help."

"You said that this morning. How do you think I may help you?" the monk asked quizzically.

"We come from Sunnydale, California - the Hellmouth." Willow paused and looked up at Angel for support, then back at the monk. "Two weeks ago I was c-captured by the Anointed One. He tried to turn me into one of them. Into a vampire."

"What?" Brother Lugo's eyes widened.

"In a way, he succeeded," she continued.

"Y-Y-You-You're both vampires?" Willow nodded not wanting to scare him, but Brother Lugo looked at Angel and Willow now with fear and started to back away putting his cross out in front of him. "I saw you in daylight! No vampire can do that...none that I know of. How is that possible?"

"You can keep that out if it makes you feel any better, but we're not going to hurt you," Angel said calmly.

"Please, listen. We are different from other vampires," Willow tried to make him understand.

"Different? There is no half measure in becoming a vampire," Brother Lugo spat out. "But we're not demons! We still have our souls." Willow blurted out.

"Why would I believe you, much less help you?" the monk asked incredulously.

Willow rushed to fill in all of the details of what had happened to her. Explaining why they had sought him out.

After listening intently if not skeptically, Brother Lugo asked, "And you," motioning to Angel, "you have a soul as well? You were FRIENDS with the Slayer?" He was completely bewildered by all of this.

"Do you believe us?" Willow questioned, her eyes shining with all the sincerity of her soul.

"I don't know." Brother Lugo's mind spun. Despite his better judgement there was something about Willow and Angel that convinced him. Both exuded an unconscious humanity in their desperation for him to believe them. "I...yes, I do believe you."

Relief spread across both their faces and Willow asked, "Then you'll help me?"

"There is nothing that can change a person back from being a vampire. I don't even know if its in my power to anchor your soul, Willow." At her downcast face he added, "But I have many resources. I will check them to try and help you. As for the Rom, whom you spoke of as another possible source of help." Brother Lugo shook his head, "The Rom will not help you or do you any favors. They are ones to hold grudges for generations. I would not go to them unless you want a stake in the heart."

He gave Willow what seemed a pitying look, "They did not curse Angelus without understanding what torment he would go through as a vampire with a soul."

The warm night air felt like a balm to Willow's battered soul. She felt calm and undisturbed here. She drifted silently along, wandering aimlessly down a strange road. Suddenly the ground seemed to open up beneath her feet. She fell, but it seemed as if she were in slow motion. Nevertheless, she landed jarringly onto what seemed to be the floor of a cavern. The cavern glowed in a fiendish, red light and it seemed familiar somehow, as if she had been here once before.

Willow trembled.

Suddenly she heard screams and wanted to run away desperately from the sound until she realized the screams she had heard were her own.

She must have blacked out because the next thing she knew, she was lying on the same road she had started out on. Willow felt strange, disoriented and different somehow. She got up though and started walking again. Willow could see where she was and could feel her body, but she had no control. In fact, she felt separated from her body. She seemed to be going on instinct. She didn't understand what was happening to her.

She found herself honing in on a man, coming up behind him. Almost as if in third person, Willow watched herself helplessly as bloodlust overcame her and she attacked him. She couldn't see his face, but she was bent entirely on obeying a primal need as her eyeteeth elongated. She sank her fangs into the man's neck, relishing the taste of the blood.

As she finished draining him, she heard laughter behind her. It was triumphal and completely evil. Willow whirled around and saw that it was the Anointed One laughing. At his feet was Buffy, lying murdered at his feet. Buffy's dead eyes were opened and they seemed to stare accusingly at Willow.

With the limp body of the man still in her deadly embrace, Willow shrank back in dread. Slowly she finally looked at the features of the man she held in her arms. Her face blanched even more if possible when she actually saw his face. It was Xander. < No! Oh please no, Xander, not you! >

As she looked in absolute horror, Xander whispered dying, "Willow, why?"

The Anointed One's laughter grew more maniacal. Suddenly Xander's body wasn't slumped in her arms anymore, he gained strength, his eyes glowed red and as he took on the visage of a vampire. Xander inquired with grotesque calm, "Why did you make me into a vampire?"

"Noooo!" Willow screamed from the depths of her soul. She woke shaking and sobbing

Unable or unwilling to sleep after coming home from her stakeout, Willow had not slept at all the previous day. So today, worn out and dispirited after the meeting with Brother Lugo, Willow had fallen asleep immediately. With sleep came her darkest nightmares.

As she tried to erase the image of Xander as a vampire from her mind, Angel came in. This time knowing what to expect, he went directly to her side. But unlike last time Willow couldn't seemed to be comforted. Her sobs increased and she was unable to stop. Angel picked up her slim body and cradled her like a small child.

"I can't do this anymore. It's too hard." She sobbed against his chest.

"No. Listen to me Willow." He forced her chin upward to face him. "I don't know one person in a million that could have endured this better than you have. You are much too strong to let this beat you. I know you're scared, but don't give up."

"It doesn't matter. You heard Brother Lugo, even if I do keep my soul, I-I'll still be a-a vampire." Tears streamed down her ivory pale cheeks as she spoke these last words in utter desolation.

"It does matter." Angel said quietly. "I know what its like. I understand and I may be the only one who would understand."

"God, how have you managed to do t-this for so long?" Willow whimpered.

"When I first got my soul back I felt exactly like you do now. Scared. Angry. Only..." He hung his head and his whole body tensed with the remembered suffering. Even now Willow was able to look beyond her own misery and understand. "You didn't have anyone, not like I have you." Her voice extended a sympathy that held deep awareness of her debt to him.

It was Angel's turn to look away. "There was that, but that wasn't the worst of it. I had this incredible guilt for all the things I had done. I still do. All the lives that I took. I deserved to be alone for that."

Willow pulled back and shook her head in vehement denial, but he continued, "I almost went insane. Thank god you don't have to deal with that and never will," he said fervently.

"How do you know that, Angel? I feel it waiting to take over, waiting for me to be weak. I could hurt someone. Someone I love even," she said. Her expressive eyes were alive with horror at the memory of Xander and Buffy in her nightmare.

"Is that what your dreams are about?" Angel asked tentatively.

She gave a tiny nod and another tear slipped down her face. Angel silently brushed away the tear streaks.

Angel never really knew how it came about. Maybe it was in his attempt to let her know that she wasn't alone in her fears, but he found himself confiding in her. He talked about those first years when he had regained his soul, his attempts to redeem himself and his own worst fears. He spoke more about these things than he had ever done with anyone before.

Listening, Willow wished she could wipe out all those impossibly lonely years he must have suffered. And in the face of his unadulterated honesty, she found that she could do no less than open up to him as well.

The words once begun, flowed out of her. And for both of them it was almost a relief to speak aloud the words that haunted and rattled about in their minds like ghosts needing to be exorcised. Each found comfort in the knowledge that they were not alone in their mutual struggles.

Neither knew how long they stayed up talking like this, but finally drifting off to sleep Willow sighed, "Stay..." and then she was asleep.

Angel looked down at the girl in his arms. She lay there so trustingly. Willow was a sweet, innocent person who didn't deserve this fate. Angel had always imagined that he would have to endure complete isolation as the most unnatural of unnatural beings - a vampire with a soul. Now there was Willow, and it was as if she were a kindred sister. He was no longer the only one.

Yet Angel would have given anything to give Willow her old life. But they would find a way. HE would find a way, to protect her. He shifted slightly as to get more comfortable and brought the covers of her bed around them as he too proceeded to fall asleep.

Giles looked over at Slayer nervously. She was going through her daily work out with an intensity that he might have appreciated less than two months ago. Now frankly he was more than a little concerned. It had been a bleak couple of weeks since the Buffy had come home, finding out that Willow had been attacked by vampires and changed into one of them by the Anointed One.

< I should have known better than to let Willow go home alone so late. I thought it would be alright. This is the Hellmouth, how could I have been so bloody stupid! > Giles thought, not for the first time.

He felt that he had aged a decade since Willow left with Angel for Europe. But Giles could not afford to let guilt overpower him. He had to be strong for Buffy and Xander. When Buffy and Xander found Willow's diary, and with it the truth, it had come almost as a relief. But their grief had been overwhelming.

Yet now after the grief had subsided enough to make room for anger in Buffy, Giles was unnerved and saddened by the change. Giles missed her sarcasm and humor. He even missed her teasing him about his stuffiness. He no longer had to cajole Buffy into honing her slayer skills or reminding her of her duties. She was all business lately. In fact, Buffy had dedicated herself to slaying with a vengeance that worried her Watcher.

It had taken all of Giles' arguments and persuasion and even begging to stop Buffy from going out and confronting the Anointed One himself in a suicidal manner after she had found out about what he'd done to Willow. Giles knew that this channeling of anger was Buffy's way of dealing, but he hoped that she would move on to dealing with her loss in a less dangerous fashion.

A particularly vicious hit to the punching bag, made Giles turn to Buffy and away from his dismal thoughts. "Buffy, I think that'll do it for today," Giles said finally.

"O.K. Whatever you say Giles." Buffy said. Giles blinked owlishly at this. Buffy was usually never one to follow his dictates meekly. Then again this wasn't the usual Buffy.

"S-so what are you planning for this evening?" he asked somewhat hesitantly.

"Why are you asking? I'm going to do what I do every night. Slay vampires," she said it with a certain mechanical decisiveness.

"It's just...well, you can have a night off now and then." Never in Giles' wildest imaginings had he thought that he would have to bring that up to Buffy. But he went on, "In fact, I recommend it for this evening."

"Yah? What's so special about this evening?" Buffy raised her eyebrows.

"Oh! Well n-nothing, nothing at all. I merely thought y-you might want to spend some time with Xander." Despite all of Giles' worrying over Buffy, it was Xander who had been the one visibly most effected by all of this. It was as if a depression had settled instantly on him like a fog. "Do you know how he is? I myself haven't seen him in quite some time."

"I haven't seen him much either actually," Buffy admitted. "I don't know where he's been. But with the start of school and everything, its been busy. Maybe tomorrow..." her voice trailed off.

"Buffy, talk with him," Giles urged. "It may be good for you both."

"Maybe its for the best that he's avoiding me. I mean it was my fault that he and Willow ever got involved with any of this in the first place." Buffy's said flatly. She looked down, her eyes taking on a guilty quality that Giles couldn't stand seeing there.

"Stop that!" The vehemence in Giles' voice made Buffy look up sharply. Then he continued more quietly, yet as forcefully, "This is precisely why Willow didn't want you to know of what happened. None of this is your fault. I can't force you recognize that, but it's the truth. Lord knows I understand your sense of guilt. I've tormented myself, perhaps even more than you have, over all of this. I was here. Willow was my responsibility. But she never once blamed you or me or anyone else, except those that actually did this to her. Someday we may both stop feeling this guilt. But you-you cannot take Willow's friendship and remember it as something to be regretted, something that would have been better left unknown. That would be a great tragedy."

Giles added, "And so would losing your friendship with Xander. Right now you two need each other."

"I don't know what to do." Tears sprung to Buffy's eyes. With this one speech, Giles managed to tear down the thin facade of anger and false calm which she had erected around herself. She looked all of her sixteen years of age - young and vulnerable.

"Just go to him. You'll know what to do then," Giles encouraged her gently.

Impulsively, showing something other than sorrow and anger to him for the first time in a month, Buffy gave him a quick hug. Before Giles could even register or return it, she was going out the library doors.

Buffy paused before the front door of the Harris' house. She didn't know what to expect. The first day they had found out about Willow, Buffy and Xander had desperately held on to one another, crying on each others shoulders. Reading Willow's diary, her letter to Xander, and Giles' watcher diaries had been more than heart-wrenching. Buffy thought that she could never cry again, all her tears having been used up for a lifetime in reading about what her gentle friend had been through.

After that day though, she had tried to bury her own feelings down deep. And although it wasn't by design, Buffy and Xander saw less and less of each other as the days went by. Maybe it was because she had been too scared to find out if Xander had withdrawn from her purposely, but she hadn't tried to go to him. To make him talk to her.

No matter what Giles said to the contrary, Buffy couldn't shake her own sense of culpability for what happened to Willow. She was frightened that Xander might blame her too. She had lost Willow and Angel and Buffy didn't think she could handle losing Xander as well.

She took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. Mrs. Harris opened the door and welcomed Buffy in. "Is Xander home?" Buffy asked uncertainly.

"He's up in his room." Mrs. Harris nodded. "Buffy, I-I'm glad you've come. Ever since Willow's disappearance, he just hasn't been the same. He barely comes out of his room, if at all. I don't know what to do anymore. I hope you can help him."

"I hope so too." As Buffy headed up to Xander's room she tensed in the same way when she was preparing to fight vamps. There was only one way to find out if Xander didn't want to have anything to do with her though. Buffy knocked on his door and heard his muffled, "Go away!"

"It's me, Xander. It's Buffy. Can I come in, please." Buffy called through the door. Abruptly it opened to reveal Xander Harris looking worse than Buffy had ever seen him before. He had lost weight, his face pale, his hair uncombed and his eyes held countless shadows in their depths.

The last two weeks had been so damn hard. While it seemed that Buffy had tried to focus on anything but her sorrow, Xander had focused on nothing else.

"What are you doing here Buffy?" He asked apathetically. He stepped back to let her in before closing the door again.

"I came to see you. Since the mountain wouldn't come to Mohammed and all that. How are you doing?" She stood asking as Xander flopped onto his unmade bed.

"How does it look?" he asked derisively. She looked at him and then around the room. She never thought that Xander's room would be neat, but it looked like an explosion of epic proportions. It looked as if the occupant of the room decided to make it look like his life felt. A disaster.

"Pretty bad," she acknowledged.

"Score one for the observant Slayer." Xander said in a sarcastic tone, his eyes looking at the ceiling.

Buffy winced a little at that. This was going to be more than a little difficult. "Xander, we need to talk," her voice taking on a pleading tone.

"Talk? About what?" Xander said tiredly. "You know, all I want to do is get away from everything. I don't want to think, I don't want to feel. I certainly don't want to talk. I just want to...to sleep."

"That's called a coma!" She sighed, "Xander, I know what you're going through. Don't shut me out. You're not the only one who's lost her..."

Xander interrupted her before she could get any further. "No, but I'm the only one who didn't appreciated Willow and what she meant in my life until it was too late." He stalked over to his desk and pulled out a now well worn letter, stained by tears. He waved it in Buffy's face. "I'm the only one who need something like...THAT to happen to make me realize how important she was to me."

The letter that Willow had left telling him of her unrequited love hadn't given any solace to Xander at all. It seemed to be a constant reminder to him of his blindness. He collapsed onto his bed again and started to cry into his hands.

"Oh Xander, don't!" Buffy begged as she went to put her arms around him. Xander shrugged off her touch. "I don't need you or anyone else to tell me how to feel! Especially not you," he shouted. "Now get out!"

Buffy backed off stunned and her face crumpled for a moment. Then she got herself back under control. When it was all said and done, it obviously wasn't going to be her understanding of how deeply his sorrow ran. She straightened her back and her resolve. One way or another she was going to get him out of this morass of self-pity. "Xander, I never pegged you for a coward. And I know Willow never did. But I can see that we were both wrong. You're letting Willow down, you know."

Xander bounded up and got in her face, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You're feeling sorry for yourself. How do you figure that you have it so horrible. You're not the one who was turned into a vampire, you're not the one who had to leave everyone and everything you ever knew. How do you think Willow would feel seeing you like this? All you can do is dwell on how pitiful YOU feel. That's not going to help her."

Buffy's voice was getting louder and louder as if by sheer volume she might get through to him. "And God! You talk about Willow as if she's dead. You've given up on her. Well she's not dead, and I won't give up on her. And-and at least she gave you that letter. Willow loved you and wanted you to know it. Angel left without a word. I would be thanking the stars that at least I got a chance to know that I had been loved. Instead you want to lay down and die!"

Her tirade left her feeling drained and continued more quietly, "You're pushing away everyone who cares about you. Do you really think that's going to keep the pain away? Don't keep doing this Xander. Don't do this to yourself or to me."

Buffy stopped then. Xander only stared at her silently and Buffy wasn't sure if it was from shock or anger. After a moment she added softly, "I'm saying these things because you're my friend. The only one I have left." Her voice cracked with emotion.

As she looked at Xander's silent countenance, she couldn't take anymore and whirled around to leave the Harris house with tears streaming. < How could it possibly have gone any worse than that? > she thought miserably to herself. Things were such a mess.

She had said a lot of things to Xander, things that she hadn't put words to before. She had even mentioned Angel. She hadn't really even allow herself to think of Angel during all of this. Her love for him was pushed aside in her knowledge that he had left her for the best of reasons. To help Willow. But now she hurt more than ever and wanted to scream out loud at the injustice of all of this. More than that she ached to punch someone, well preferably something.

Something like an inhuman monster.

Spoiling for a fight, Buffy certainly found one. Or rather it found her. Two vampires descended on her as she crossed the park. One was a man, the other a woman. Both looked hungry.

"I'm letting you know right now, I'm in a really bad mood," Buffy warned them through clenched teeth. She fought them both and managed to stake one of them immediately. It happened to be the man.

The female vampire become enraged as she saw her counterpart explode into a heap of dust. She screeched, "You'll pay for that!" and charged at Buffy.

"Was that you're boyfriend? Oh, I'm sorry, but he had a major ugly problem that needed to be dealt with." Buffy taunted as she side-stepped the attack.

Buffy was less than focused and while she was able to vent some of her anger in a couple vicious punches, the woman was quicker than the other vampire. She was able to land a blow which knocked Buffy to the ground with a thud that took her breath away. The vampire was on her in an instant, her hands around Buffy's neck. Buffy gasped, trying to break the hold and managed to flip the vampire off her. Breaking free Buffy immediately sprang up, but her opponent kicked out, nearly removing Buffy's kneecap.

Hobbling now, Buffy was at a severe disadvantage. Seeing her weakness, her opponent pounced on it rapidly. She swept Buffy's feet from under her again and Buffy toppled over with a pained cry.

< Uh, oh! > Buffy thought just before the vampire, going in for the kill, descended on her.

The vampire had Buffy pinned down. It was all Buffy could do to keep the snarling face of the vamp away from her neck.

Just then she heard someone say, "I was taught never to hit a girl, but I'll make an exception in this case." The vampire was knocked back by an angry looking Xander. "Well then again you're not really a girl are you? So never mind." Taken completely by surprise, the vampire never saw the stake that landed in her heart.

"Haven't lost my timing, huh?" Xander said extending a hand to help Buffy up.

"What-what are you doing out here?" she asked incredulously. She took his hand and got up gingerly.

"I followed you." he looked away sheepishly. "I couldn't leave things like that." < You were going to come crawling for forgiveness, you mean. > He added to himself.

"Well, thanks. I mean for following me and for staking that vamp, that is." Buffy stumbled over her words.

Embarrassed, Xander brushed her thanks aside. "Yah, well let's get you home. That knee doesn't look too good." Putting her arm around his shoulder and grabbing hold of her waist, he positioned himself as a crutch for her. She was took advantage of his help and leaned on him gratefully.

They were silent all the way to her house. When they got there Buffy ushered him inside. "My mom's not home. She's at some art show until tomorrow. We can talk here," she said cautiously. "We really need to talk, you know, when neither of us is yelling at the other."

"Yah, you're right," he agreed

They sat down and both were nervous and silent for a little while, then Xander spoke. "I don't even know where to begin..." He looked lost and uncertain.

Needing desperately to know, Buffy blurted out, "Do you hate me because of what happened to Willow?"

"What?" Xander looked amazed.

Buffy pressed, "I would understand you if you blamed me because, well, if it weren't for me . . . "

Xander interrupted her. "Oh yah, if it weren't for you, we'd all have been vampire happy meals already! No, Buffy. I don't blame you at all. I-I'm sorry I made you think that that was why I was pushing you away. I could never hate you." He stated the last part with a quiet finality that warmed her heart. "

"You don't have to be sorry," she said simply.

"I do though, because you were right about how I've been handling things," Xander confessed. "It's just been that I've wanted to blot out feeling so guilty about Willow. She was always there for me and I wasn't here when she needed me the most!"

"God, you, me, and Giles - all vying to see who feels more guilty or to blame. We should go into some sort of therapy," Buffy sighed.

"But everything I told you about not appreciating Willow was true. I never even had a clue that she felt the way she did about me. She always gave so much without ever asking for anything in return. She was... damn it! I mean she IS the most incredible person I have ever known. I just wish she was here so that I could tell her that. And that I love her too." Xander expelled a shuddering breath.

Buffy put her hand on his and this time Xander didn't shake off her gesture of comfort. "We'll see her again someday. I don't care how long it takes. I'll always believe that."

"It seemed that we were invincible, didn't it?" he mused. "Even with that stupid prophesy about the Master killing you, I never accepted that. We found the bad guys and took them down. That's just the way things were. But with what's happened to Willow - I . . . it's just so wrong. Nothing is ever going to be the same, is it?"

Buffy shook her head wordlessly, tears springing to her eyes. "No it isn't," she whispered. "But I don't want to go through this without you."

Xander pulled her close. Her head rested against his chest, his cheek nestled against her silky hair. "I don't either," he said.

They stayed like that for a long time just drawing comfort from the other.

Xander woke up the next morning and for while he just lay in bed replaying the events of the last evening in his mind.

< I am so glad that Buffy and I talked last night. Well maybe that first, uh, talk wasn't so good. I never thought that I would be so dumb! >

He was relieved that he hadn't screwed things up with Buffy. When he had let her into his room last night he had been faintly annoyed. At least as annoyed as he could be in his depressed apathy. At one time he would have been excited to have Buffy in his room. < Yah, how many times have I fantasized about that happening? >

But when it actually did happen last night, he didn't feel anything like that. He had shut himself in his room to escape everything. Her presence, invading and trying to tug him out of his sanctuary, awoke the bitterness and anger that he'd been harboring within himself during the last weeks. It wasn't that those feelings were directed at Buffy, but he wanted to see her hurt the way he was hurting. < Well, I had succeeded there, didn't I? >

Xander was ashamed, remembering the obvious pain that had been written all over Buffy's face when he had yelled at her. < Thank god that she didn't back down. Thank God, she cared enough NOT to back down. >

Nope. Instead, she had read him the riot act. Her words striking nerves and burning away the self-absorption that Xander had clung to in the last couple weeks. He hadn't thought about how Willow would have felt seeing him as he had been for the last month. He knew instantly that it would have made her generous heart ache.

< I also know Willow would have probably bopped me over the head the moment I started to feel sorry for myself. > Xander grinned picturing his sweet-natured Willow doing that very thing.

But that grin faded from his face as he remembered that it wasn't until after Buffy had fled from his room, that her last words sunk into his brain. He realized that he was in danger of doing the same things to her that he had accused himself of doing to Willow - not appreciating a friendship until maybe too late. The realization made him run after Buffy.

When he caught up with her, it was almost as if an evil twist of fate was trying to add emphasis to the lesson he had finally learned. Xander shuddered reflecting that he almost had been too late.

It was odd, but seeing Buffy in danger took him back to the night he revived her after she had died at the hands of the Master. It was odd, because Xander had been more scared last night than even then. Maybe it was because now he truly understood what the loss of his friend would entail. Terrified and enraged, he just reacted when he saw the vampire looming over Buffy.

< I was lucky this time, but what about next time? > he thought fearfully. < I am NOT going to lose another friend to one of those bloodsuckers. >

A kernel of an idea planted itself into Xander's head. An idea that sat there until it burst into a bloom of planned action.

Xander bounded out of bed, showing more energy than in any morning since he had found out about Willow. He went to get ready for school. As he went down for breakfast, he noticed his mother and father's concerned looks. He had completely ignored or been oblivious to them, but this morning he felt the need to reassure them. "Hey mom, hey dad. What's to eat?"

His voice didn't have an overly amount of pep, but it relayed quite a bit to his worried parents. Mr. and Mrs. Harris had not raised a teenage son without knowing when to just accept things without comment. They just smiled and felt relieved to see Xander start devouring one of his usual humungous meals. This was indeed a small sign of returning normalcy.

Classes just ended and Giles was on his way to meet Buffy and Xander in the library.

Giles had briefly seen them that morning and it had been immediately apparent to him that they had straightened things out between them. He could already see the difference in Buffy. As for Xander, he was never going to be the devil-may-care Xander of old, but it looked like they had come through the worst of it.

Xander had told him earlier that he wanted to speak to Giles about something important after school. And now Giles was late. "Stupid faculty meetings," he muttered.

"Mr. Giles!"

Hearing his name called out, he turned around to see Ms. Calendar behind him. "I wanted to catch you after the meeting. Where are you hurrying off to?" She had a impish grin on her face. "Never mind, the library right?"

"Err, well yes in fact I was," he said awkwardly. This particular woman had the most astounding ability to fluster him.

"I wanted to ask you about Willow. I haven't seen her in school. I know that with the beginning of school things are hectic, but she isn't even registered for any of the computer courses. I thought it was...odd..." Seeing Giles' face tighten, her voice trailed off. "What's wrong?" she asked seriously.

"I'm sorry, I, er, I thought you knew," he stated gravely.

"I've been gone all summer, so I've been kinda out of the loop. Know what?" Her brows were drawn together in a look of concern.

"Willow has been...missing for over a month now." He looked down at the ground.

Ms. Calendar's eyes went wide, "It wasn't...it couldn't have been...vampires?" Giles could not look her in the eye, and that gave her all the answers she needed. "Oh no!"

He was about to say something when Xander came down the hall. "There you are. We were supposed to meet about something important. In the library. Ring any bells? Hey Ms. Calendar."

"Yes, yes of course. I was on my way." Giles turned to Ms. Calendar, "I'm sorry, but I must go."

"Wait, Mr. Giles. Rupert!" Her eyes seemed to reach out to him. "If you need me for anything, call."

Giles was touched. "Thank you. I-I will." Then he was carried off in the inexorable tide that was Xander.

Buffy was already waiting, curious since Xander hadn't clued her in either. As Giles faced Xander in the library, there was a glint in the boy's eyes that told him he wasn't going to like what he was about to hear.

"I want you to start training me to help hunting vampires," Xander said without preamble.

Giles had been right, he didn't like it. But he wasn't the only one.

"Like hell you are!" Buffy said bluntly.

"That's just not possible Xander! It's much too dangerous." Giles added.

Not deterred an inch, Xander said with a obstinate set to his mouth, "Hey, I'm sorry to say it, but it's always going to be dangerous around here. Slayer or not." He turned to Buffy at this point and cut her off at the pass, "I've given this a lot of thought. You may be the Slayer, but you're not invincible. You're going to need some back up. You can't watch your back all the time and Angel's not around to come to the rescue."

"Who said I need to be rescued by anyone?" she said outraged. She certainly didn't mind getting help, but Buffy was no damsel in distress and never would be.

"Ah, Buff, do I really need to bring up last night?" Xander raised his eyebrows.

Annoyed, nevertheless, she had the grace to look away.

"Last night? What happened last night?" Giles asked uneasily.

But he was ignored as Xander added, "Hey, besides it's not as if you haven't rescue me more times than I can count."

"I still refuse to allow this." Buffy crossed her arms as if to signal that the discussion was closed.

"I'm in this whether you allow it or not. I have been in this the day Jesse was killed and now since...since Willow, I'm in it more than ever. I won't walk away. I can't! Now I can go out there with you, with training; or I can go out there without you, without training. I know which one I prefer."

Now Xander crossed HIS arms as if daring her to knock him unconscious every night to keep him from doing something stupid.

Buffy looked helplessly at her Watcher. Giles had seemed superfluous up to this point in the argument. Now he sighed, "Maybe there's something to be said for training you Xander."

Buffy threw up her arms in disgust.

But Giles continued, "But you must really want this. You are not the Slayer. You're going to have to work harder and with more discipline than you ever have in your life. Can you accept this?"

Xander seemed to mature before their very eyes, "I'll do whatever needs to be done Giles. I won't let you or Buffy down."

Buffy softened, "Come here you." She pulled him into a tight hug then pulled away to look him directly in the eyes. "You could never let me down."

"I can't lose you Buffy, not if I can help it," Xander uttered this so emotionally that Giles had to look away. "Do you have any idea what it would do to me, if something happened to you out there?" Buffy said seriously.

"That's what this is about, so that I can maybe stop anything from happening to me or you. That's the point. There are no guarantees, but I think you were right about something you said last night."

She raised one eyebrow. "Yah? What did my big mouth say that was so enlightening?"

"Willow wouldn't have wanted me to feel sorry for myself." Xander grinned a little mischievously, "I think she'd rather have me feel the need to kick some major vampire hiney."

Willow didn't quite duck fast enough as a fist came flying toward her stopping inches from her perspiring face.

"You've got to make sure that you're watching out for your blind side. Vampires don't exactly fight fair," Angel warned shaking his head. He relaxed his fighting stance dropping his fist harmlessly from her face.

Several months ago Willow had begun Vampires 101- all the survival skills that "good" vampires needed to know. Angel taught her everything he could to prepare her for the kind of life that she would be leading as a vampire. That included learning how to fight.

Tonight had been one of their more exhausting training sessions. For the last four hours they had been honing Willow's self-defense skills. When Angel first began helping Willow learn the extent of the changes within herself, her strengths and weaknesses, it had come as a surprise to both of them to discover that she was stronger than your ordinary run-of-the-mill vampire. It was just another one of those awful, fascinating characteristics about Willow which separated her from other vampires. She had made huge leaps and bounds in adjusting to her vampire body. Despite this though she was beginning to feel the strain of the strenuous work out.

"Angel," Willow groaned, "I swear if we go for much longer I'm gonna scream."

"O.k., you wimp," he teased, his eyes laughing, "we'll call it a night."

"Wimp! Oh...never mind I know you're doing that thing-y where you tease me and I'm supposed to respond by saying something like 'I'm not a wimp, bring it on!' Well this wimp has finished for the evening." She dropped to the floor of the workout room in a mock collapse.

Angel gave a chuckle at Willow's antics. There was still a part of her that could be silly despite everything she had gone through. < Thank god for that, > he thought fondly.

It had been a difficult nine months since Brother Lugo had agreed to help them. While the monk had been meticulous in going through his massive store of books that had been collected by his order for centuries, he had not yet found anything in reference to Willow's situation. Willow knew there were books in his possession which Giles, or any Watcher worth his salt, would have given his eye-teeth to own. She often spent time researching with Brother Lugo. But it was just as well that Willow was now immortal because there were books enough to keep her searching for a life time.

She hadn't lost hope though. Besides researching with Brother Lugo, she had been extremely busy adjusting to her new life in Rome. She and Angel were living in a house that he had kept over the years. Willow had always been curious about the mundane part of how Angel and other vampires lived. Now she knew.

It had surprised her to find out that Angel had more than one house scattered around the world. Home for him merely meant a sanctuary - completely safe from daylight and the world outside. So the house had started out as a stark place. But once Willow had started to feel accustomed to living there, she changed all that. She added her own personal touches that added warmth and the sense of a real home. It was funny but she had begun to think of this as home and not, as she had first felt after leaving Sunnydale, the place to which she had been exiled.

Angel went into the kitchen and brought out a snack. "Here," he tossed over a bag of blood to her.

She caught it automatically. Willow sighed gratefully after taking a long drink, "You know, I didn't think that anything could be more thirst-quenching than Gatorade, but it sure hits the spot. Gatorade for vampires? Hmmm. Do you think we could get them to market that?"

That she could joke, even a little, about drinking blood was a testament of how far Willow had come in learning to live with what she was. In the beginning, she loathed her need for blood but now she saw it merely as a part of her subsistence. Now it was only the vampire instinct to go for the warm blood pulsing in the body of a person that she loathed.

After slaking her thirst, Willow became aware of how sweaty and gross she felt from the long hours of physical activity. She cringed slightly, "Ugh! I have got to take a shower."

"Yes, now that you've shattered my illusions about the whole men sweat and women only glisten thing," Angel said in a mock serious tone.

She swatted him with a pillow as she padded to her room to shower and change. Once done she went to the living room and opened the thick shutters to the balcony doors and stepped outside.

It was one of her favorite times of the night, when there was a hush of quiet stillness over everything. There was a kind of serenity to it that she liked. She stood gazing at the misty light of the crescent moon when a childhood memory flashed through her mind.

When they were about ten, she and Xander had camped outside in Willow's backyard one summer night. They had both thought it was such an adventure. Xander had delighted in telling spooky camp stories to her. Willow had been so frightened that she wouldn't sleep, hearing a monster in every breath of wind. When he realized that she was really scared, Xander simply told her that nothing could happen to her as long as they stayed together. It had comforted her as nothing else could and in a contented silence, they had both laid in their sleeping bags looking up at the crescent moon peaking in and out of the clouds until they fell asleep.

She brushed away a errant tear. < God, I miss him. > Xander's absence from her life after long years of loving him, of seeing him practically everyday had been hard to deal with. It had gotten easier but at times like this when something sparked a memory of their times together, it pained her all over again.

Willow often wondered about Xander. About how he felt reading the letter she had left for him. She hoped it was comforting since she knew that her "death" would have been hardest on him. She had wrote that letter long before she had been captured by the Anointed One. It was one of those things that someone living on the Hellmouth should do - fill out a donor card, make a will, write a letter to your best friend telling him of your secret love for him.

In a fit of cowardice she had almost destroyed the letter before she left. She wasn't really dead, yet Willow knew that it had to be a clean break. She would never be coming back. So in the end she just couldn't leave him without so much as a word of how much he meant to her.

She had long decided that maybe it was for the best that Xander hadn't clued in on her feelings and reciprocated them. < It had been so hard leaving him as it was. If I knew that Xander loved me too would I have been able to leave him then? Would I have been able to do what Angel did? >

She understood the magnitude of Angel's sacrifice. Leaving Buffy couldn't have been easy, yet Willow just didn't know how she would have been able to go through all this without him.

There were some days when she had felt tormented with her longings. It was as if she were overcoming an unrelenting addiction and all she could do was seclude herself to keep from acting on her bloodlust. Those times when she had felt out of control, Angel's presence, his understanding of what she was fighting against kept her from teetering over the edge. His friendship and wonderful support of her through everything was one part in her chaotic life that had remained constant.

"Hey."

Willow was startled. She hadn't even been aware that Angel had joined her on the balcony. "Oh, hi. I didn't hear you come out." Not wanting him to see that she had been upset she turned away as she said this looking intently at the moon.

But Angel was too sensitive to her moods. "Are you alright?" he asked.

"Yah," Willow gave a gusty sigh. "I was just remembering a time when Xander and I were kids and we had camped out under a moon like this one."

"Oh." Angel didn't know what else to say.

They had both spoken about Buffy and Xander a couple of times. However, it was a subject that was often avoided, as if they were trying not to pick at the scabs of a healing wound. But unable to help it now, Willow questioned him hesitantly. "Angel? Since we've been here, have you thought about going back to Sunnydale at all?"

The question implicit within the question was about whether he thought about being back with Buffy. < I wonder what brought this on? > Angel thought curiously. Carefully he answered her, "No, not anymore. There's nothing back there for me."

"That's not true. You'd still be there with Buffy if it hadn't been for..."

Angel cut her off, "No Willow. Don't even go there."

"But, Angel!" She tried to argue but again he hushed her.

"There are no buts. Besides you, better than anyone, would know that it could never have worked out."

"It doesn't have to be that way. Not for you."

"Why do you think there can ever be a future for me and Buffy when you absolutely refuse to even allow a possibility of one for you and Xander?"

With quiet resignation Willow said, "Because Xander never loved me the way Buffy loved you."

It was at that moment when the phone rang inside. They looked at one another. Angel didn't want to leave the conversation as it was, but it wasn't often that they got calls. Usually it meant something important. Still Angel hesitated before going inside to answer it. Willow used the few moments alone to compose herself before joining him just as he hung up the phone.

"That was Brother Lugo." There was a tense note in Angel's voice that told her it was more than just a social call. "We have to go over there right away."

"I'm glad you're both here," Brother Lugo said as Willow and Angel entered his library. "I finally found something. There's a source that refers to the fact that there has been at least one other kind of your change."

Willow glowed with eagerness. "Where?"

He showed them a ragged, ancient-looking book. "In the late 10th century there was a powerful vampire named Rapano who lived in Ravenna. He evidently possessed great power and had nearly obtained the status of a Master. Well this Rapano became obsessed with a young girl. He tried to make her into a vampire. But like you Willow, this girl refused to take his blood."

Brother Lugo stopped and explained almost admiringly, "You must understand that the reason that there are not more cases like yours, Willow, is that it is impossibly rare for a person to resist becoming a vampire. It takes a pure soul and an extraordinary will."

Willow blushed at this.

He resumed the story. "On the verge of death, the girl seemed about to escape Rapano's plans for her. Enraged, the vampire cut into her stomach, poured his blood into her and she awoke as a vampire. The reason we know anything of her is that she escaped Rapano and went to a priest for help. The priest only wrote a brief part of her story, but he did say that, like you, this girl retained her soul. It seems that she later, and this part is somewhat unclear, it seems she ended up killing herself after destroying Rapano."

This did nothing to hearten Willow, "She killed herself? I was kinda hoping for the happy ending to this story."

He paused as if troubled, "The priest included this warning or rather a prophesy of sorts:

'There shall be another like her who striking down the evil of Rapano, died by her own hand. Although unnatural and tainted by the presence of the foul demon, for the one not damned by soullessness whose soul is innocent, there is yet hope. The beast may be destroyed from within by the purest font.

O Innocent One - vanquish the demon lest thy soul succumb and be destroyed by the evil of thy sire. For then un-ending darkness shall fall.' "

There was a tension filled silence as they each pondered the words of warning and prophesy. Willow took the manuscript from him and read over the words again.

"I've double checked the translation. I've also tried to corroborate this with other sources. But this is the only thing that I could find that mentions this girl, Rapano or this prophesy. You must certainly be the 'innocent soul' that this predicts. And-and," Brother Lugo cleared his throat, "It does not seem to be all THAT enigmatic for a prophesy, but well..." his voice trailed off.

< 'Destroy from within'? > Realization dawned on Willow and she slowly sank into a chair. "Its holy water, isn't it?" she looked up at Brother Lugo. "The 'purest font'? I have to drink holy water."

Brother Lugo nodded in agreement.

Aghast Angel shook his head, "Willow! You know what holy water would do to you." He dropped down on one knee next to her chair and looking up into her face he said earnestly, "You need to think this through. Prophesies are never as straight forward as they seem. 'Saving' yourself is probably a-a euphemism for killing yourself like that other girl did. By drinking holy water you'll destroy the demon and the bloodlust all right, but YOU might be destroyed along with them. You can't risk your life based on that prophesy."

Willow looked at him mutely, fear warring with hope in her eyes. She looked over at Brother Lugo. The apprehensive look on his face reflected the fact that he shared Angel's concerns.

Willow faltered. Staring sightlessly at the floor she weighed her options. It was a horrible chance that she would be taking. She would be gambling her life, such as it was, on the questionable words of a prophesy. If this ended up killing her, it wouldn't be a quick stab in the heart with a stake. Ingesting the holy water would be an agonizing death. However, Willow took very seriously the prophecy's words of warning. While she had learned a little more discipline now, taping down on the demon and her yearnings with a ruthless self-control, it seemed to her that there was a constant battle between her soul and her demon. Thus far her soul was dominant, but she could never afford to become complacent. Ever. Despite everything, beyond the desire to live, beyond the will to survive, she felt that if this killed her perhaps it was for the best.

< If this DID work I won't ever have to wonder if my demon might break free and someday take over my soul. I would rather die than let that happen! > It was something she would never say aloud to Angel, something that she hadn't considered for a long time. She made her decision.

"I can't take the chance that what that prophesy says will come true, that I will lose what control I have over my demon. I have to do it." She looked first to Angel and then Brother Lugo. "Now."

Angel was speechless. He looked for some way to try and convince her that this was madness. But her set face told him that he would be wasting his breath.

Brother Lugo poured some holy water into a small cup placing it on the table before her. Then he took Willow's hand, squeezed it for luck before leaving them in the room alone. He had come to care for and respect her. He never thought he would say that about a vampire. If this worked it would indeed be a miracle. If not he didn't wish to be present to see it. Brother Lugo went to pray for a miracle.

Angel stood staring at the cup on the table in front of Willow in disbelief that she was going to go through with this.

Willow's voice brought his gaze back to her as she came to his side. "I have to try this," she said begging for understanding. "But if-if it doesn't work, I don't want you here. I want you to leave while I do this."

Angel nodded mutely in consent of her wishes. < This must work. If anyone can get through it, it's Willow, > he thought to himself as he pulled her close, hugging her fiercely.

Willow felt an immeasurable calm descend on her. Drawing back from him a little, her luminous blue eyes locked on his black ones. She put her palm against his cheek, and then she drew him into a kiss. Soft, tender and chaste, it was a kiss of pure friendship. It lasted less than a heartbeat before she pulled away.

"I'm not going to say good-bye," Angel said hoarsely. "I'll be right outside. Call me when its through," he said reassuringly, although unsure if it was for her benefit or his own.

As he reluctantly left the room, Willow gave him a wavering smile. She waited a few minutes and then she took a deep breath and brought the cup to her lips.

Angel paced in the hallway outside the room. His hands raking through his dark hair in frustration and anxiety. He was almost thankful that Willow asked him not to be in there for this. He didn't know if he could have born it if he had to watch her die. But as her first tormented screams issued from within the room, he battled the desire to run inside with the desire to be as far away from the gut wrenching sounds as possible.

Images of Willow dying assailed Angel and he could barely restrain himself from doing *something*. But he forced himself to stay where he was - his hands clenching and unclenching, his face stony with the need to control himself. Angel shared something of her agony in his helplessness.

It seemed to last forever.

Then suddenly it was silent.

And if possible, that was even more terrifying.

Angel approached the door slowly. He stood with his hand on the knob in fearful indecision. He metaphorically held his breath, straining to hear anything from within the room. It was eerily silent.

The abrupt end of her cries, and the total silence from inside devastated Angel with its implications. He couldn't bring himself to open the door. He didn't want the proof of his fears before him. He didn't want go in and find whatever remained of Willow. He laid he forehead against the door in a tired gesture, already feeling the weight of grief.

As soon as Willow had swallowed the holy water, the sensation of it within her made her drop to the floor in convulsions. The burning agony was nearly indescribable. She shrieked uncontrollably, her whole being wracked in pain. Writhing, she had felt herself being turned inside out. Willow had blindly sought only a release, any release at all. Whatever coherent thoughts that were running through her mind were about the fact that surely by now she should have been dust.

And then she had a moment of utter clarity. She would die. She would die if she didn't do what she had always done - separate herself from her demon. Mentally she grasped onto the very substance of her soul. It was her shield, her anchor. This is what made her unlike other vampires. And it would be what would allow her to survive what other vampires couldn't. She concentrated on disassociating the destruction of her demon from herself. She had to keep fighting. Fight as long as she could to not let her body and soul surrender.

The pain which had been so absolute, the pain which seemed to be the only part of her existence, began to separate from her consciousness and it was as if she was feeling and experiencing the pain from a great distance. Finally after what felt like an eternity Willow felt the ebbing of the mindless pain. She opened her eyes which had been closed tight.

< I survived! It worked?!?! > She felt a palpable difference within herself. She searched for that dark presence within her being which she normally tried to bury and hide from even herself. She had come to visualize her demon as being trapped in a cage, raging to get out and destroy her soul. But now the cage was empty, the struggle was over. Her demon had been destroyed! < It's gone. I can feel that it just isn't there anymore. > She lay there for a moment exalting in this miracle.

Shaking, Willow didn't even attempt to pick herself off the floor. She was so tired. < I have to let Angel know it's alright. That I'm alright. > Just as she passed out, she called out Angel's name. It was as loud as she could manage. Although as injured as she was from the holy water, it was only a whisper.

But it was loud enough.

As he heard her faint call, outside the room Angel raised his head. With incredible joy he realized she was alive and he was galvanized into action. He threw open the door nearly taking it off its hinges in his hurry. Inside the room Willow lay in a crumpled heap. Seeing the state she was in, Angel was again filled with anxiety.

Lying on the floor, her body looked as if it had just endured some horrific battle. Her lips were swollen from the burns of the holy water and blood streaked her face. The tears of blood which she had wept contrasted sharply with the chalky grey-white quality of her skin.

He picked her up off the floor as gently as he could. Her body was limp and felt disturbingly frail in his arms. He set her on a couch and began to tend to her, wiping away at the blood on her face. At his touch on her cheeks, Willow stirred. She moaned softly. Her eyes fluttered open and weakly she tried to speak, her lips forming his name.

"I'm right here," Angel smiled a beatific smile just for her.

Seemingly satisfied in that knowledge, she closed her eyes again and this time submitted easily to blessed unconsciousness.

It took Willow nearly a month to fully recover from her ordeal. It was at least three full weeks of Angel mothering her until she scolded him for hovering over her constantly. He would grin, promise not to, then do it anyway. They both were giddy with relief and happiness. Willow was still a vampire, nothing would change that, but she had done the impossible. As Brother Lugo commented - it was indeed a miracle. And while Willow healed, she felt more contentment than she could ever have dreamed possible since leaving Sunnydale.

At the end of the fourth week, when Willow felt she was finally back to full strength, she persuaded Angel to take a stroll through Rome. It was so lovely out that they ended up walking and walking until they reached a small piazza. The night was quiet and the piazza deserted, so they could hear the delicate splashing of water in a fountain at the center of it. The moon shone down on the fountain making the water glow silvery. The fountain was ringed by benches and they ended up sitting there just taking in the enchanting solitude of the evening.

< This has to be one of the most romantic spots on earth. At least I'm here with a tall, dark, handsome, and charmingly sweet vampire. > She glanced at Angel with a smile playing about her lips at the whimsy of her thoughts.

Angel returned her smile with one of his own rare smiles that transformed his whole face. And Willow suddenly felt her heart do the kind of flip-flop that Xander used to inspire. She turned away instantly, her eyes widened with shock. < I couldn't have possibly fallen for... > She sucked in her breath sharply. < ...Angel? >

Mistaking her gasp for a sigh Angel asked, "What are you thinking about?"

Willow suddenly experienced blind panic. "Uh, nothing," she squeaked.

He knew her too well. "You sighed. You sigh when you're thinking about something," he observed.

< Oh no, oh no, oh no! > She needed time, time to process this abrupt revelation. But there was no way she could just bolt as she desperately wanted to. Her mind raced to come up with something. "I was thinking that I, ah, I just want walk a little bit more," she stuttered, desperately trying to act casually. "You know, its getting close to dawn. I could just meet you back at home. O.K?"

"Well, o.k. I guess I'll see you at home." Angel agreed staring after her a little puzzled.

Willow didn't look back to see. She walked not really seeing where she was going. < This is soooo not good! Why did this have to happen. I was just starting to feel I could be happy again. > A sarcastic voice responded in her head, < Yah and Angel had absolutely nothing to do with feeling that way. Uh huh, sure! >

Since coming to Rome, she and Angel had become good friends. More than good friends, the best of friends. She had known, even before tonight, that she cared as deeply for Angel as anyone she had cared for in her entire life. Maybe it was inevitable that she fell in love with him, for no one understood or knew her better than he did now. They could talk to one another about everything. There was nothing that she couldn't tell him.

< Except this, > she thought despondently.

She thought about that one kiss that she had given him before drinking the holy water and blushed as she turned that memory over and over again, replaying it in her mind. She tried to recapture what his lips had felt like against hers. It had felt so right to do it at the time. Deep in her heart, she must have realized then that if she died, she wanted to have experienced his lips on hers at least that once. She must have known then that she loved him.

She had to face facts though. Angel, like Xander, was in love with Buffy. Willow felt a wave of jealousy go through her. < Buffy. Oh god I'm jealous of my best friend... again. And this is even worse than with Xander! I have got to have some major masochist streak to keep falling in love with guys who are in love with her. >

When she finally turned her footsteps homeward, she gave thought to how she wanted to deal with this. As with Xander, she would never have the courage to tell Angel of her feelings. And since Xander had never noticed her feelings for him, Willow had no reason to think that Angel would know that anything was wrong.

Angel knew there was something wrong. Something was bothering Willow. That was exceptionally obvious. He had immediately felt the distance that she had unwittingly put between them. But he didn't know what it was exactly that caused this, she had been avoiding him for a week. And although they were together now, since they were heading home after a visit with Brother Lugo, Angel hesitated bringing it up. It looked as if she had gone to great lengths to keep this to herself and if Willow wanted to speak to him about it she would. He didn't want to pressure her. So he stayed silent.

Willow too was silent, deep in her own conflicted thoughts. Peaking over at him and drinking in his handsome face, all she wanted to do was throw herself at him. Sometimes she'd hear a wicked little voice in her head telling her that Buffy wasn't here and she was. She could make him happy, make him love her. But Xander had taught her that no matter how much you wished and longed for it, you couldn't change how another person felt.

< I have to just put aside these stupid, inconvenient feelings I have about him. > Willow thought. She had been fairly good at hiding her feelings with Xander, but it was different with Angel. It was so much harder. And since there were less things to hide behind, Willow had begun to going out alone for 'walks' coming home at all hours. But now she decided to stop running away from Angel. < I can't take it anymore. I'm miserable! > she admitted to herself. Because despite everything, after only a week of this she was even more unhappy not being able to just be with him.

They were almost back home when she finally worked up the courage to apologize to him for the way that she'd been acting because her blatant avoidance of him had to have hurt him. She stopped and turned to him. "Angel?" she started hesitantly.

Angel turned to her and focused on her expressive face. It showed him such uncertainty and forlornness that he ached to reach out to her. He silently willed her to keep going, to talk to him. He nodded in encouragement.

"Angel, I know that, uhm, this last week I've been a little, well, preoccupied. I just want you to know that I wasn't trying to..."

Willow never got a chance to finish because they were suddenly surrounded by four vampires. A fifth vampire, their leader appeared. It was not only his distinct size and strength that made it obvious he was the leader. Rather he had an arrogant gleam in his eyes that, louder than any words, pronounced he was a force to be reckoned with.

As he stepped forward out of the shadows, he said in a voice that sent shivers up Willow's spine, "Well Angelus, the rumors were true then. You are back. How long has it been old friend?"

Willow felt Angel perceptibly tense up. She had the feeling that this particular vampire never had been anyone's friend. "Angel, who is he?" Willow asked quietly, her eyes never leaving the vampire who had spoken.

Hearing her, the strange vampire answered her, "I am Dante. I'm surprised, and oh so hurt that he's never mentioned me. We used to be such pals." He said this with an odd twist of his lips that Willow decided was supposed to be a smile.

Angel was uncertain of what Dante knew about his having regained his soul. He could maybe play real vampire for a while to see if it would get them out of this jam. But before Angel could say anything, it was as if Dante had been reading his mind.

"Oh Angelus, I know all about you." Dante jeered as if disappointed. "You seemed to have gone soft, consorting with the slayer. Being a regular goody-two-shoes I hear. The rumors fly more fast and furious these days. And are much more accurately too. Technology you know," Dante grinned evilly. He then turned to Willow. "I've heard of you too my dear. The Unslayable one. Or so the Anointed One tells me."

Just hearing of HIM made Willow bristle in fear and hate.

"Leave her alone," Angel said through his teeth.

Dante continued speaking to Willow as if he hadn't heard Angel. "But he didn't say how lovely you are. He'll be very happy with me to know that I've captured you."

"Over my dead body," Angel hissed. His game face was on, having changed in murderous fury.

"Yes, Angelus I'm getting to that," Dante laughed. "Kill him, but I need her alive," he ordered the other vampires. "She'll make a wonderful present to the Anointed One."

"Don't bet on it," Willow snapped back. She might not be able to vamp out like other vampires but she certainly felt her body tighten into a coiled, unnatural tension.

Willow and Angel stood back to back. They fought the group of four vampires as Dante stood as an observer in the background. It was the first real fight for Willow. She was having an easier time of it than Angel since their goal was to capture and not kill her. As she dusted the one she had been fighting, she glanced to see how Angel was faring and saw that he was in trouble.

Angel had quickly killed one vampire before being overpowered by two others. One of the vampires holding a wicked looking knife had stabbed Angel, who was now slumping to the ground. Willow's breath caught in her throat as she saw the other one approach withdrawing a stake to finish Angel.

Willow didn't think, just vaulting herself in front of Angel. She stood as if a lioness fiercely protecting her territory. Trying desperately to remember everything that Angel had ever taught her, she also drew on her own fear and rage.

She kicked out at the vampire holding the stake, who dropped to the ground howling. Simultaneously she punched the knife-welding one, sending him staggering backward. Her unusual strength helped her as nothing else could, because she used the moment the force of her blows gave, to focus on using the stake against the first vampire. He had started to get up and instead landed on the ground again, this time as a pile of fine dust. Then, as if by instinct, Willow whirled around with unerring aim, staking the second vampire coming up from behind her. His knife clattered on the ground next to his ashes.

But it was far from over. Abandoning his detachment from the fighting, Dante advanced on her with his eyes narrowed and intense. His game-face now in place, he sighed, "Stupid underlings. I guess I'll have to take care of this, myself." Then with a unearthly growl he flew at her.

They fought furiously. As his every blow was parried or dodged by her, Dante said almost appreciatively, "Impressive. I've underestimated you."

"I'm not really used to battle banter," Willow panted, "but I think this is where I say 'And that's the last thing you'll ever do'."

The older vampire was experienced, but Willow's strength and her quickness were too much. Realizing that she was going to beat him, Dante didn't back down. It wasn't in his nature. Defiantly, he taunted her, "I won't be the last one to come for you, Unslayable One. Colin wants you too much. You WILL be taken to him eventually." Perceptive, Dante had seen her panic and protectiveness of Angel and pressed cruelly, "Nor will I be the last one to come after Angelus as long as he's with you. He's as good as dead."

"No!" she cried out in denial and in a red haze of fury she plunged a stake into Dante's heart.

Willow struggled to calm herself before turning to where Angel was still lying unconscious on the ground. She dropped down beside him and used her lap as a pillow for his head. "Angel? Angel, are you all right?" She caressed his face gently trying to wake him.

Responding he said groggily, "We've got to get out of here." He struggled to get up.

"Shhh, its o.k. They're all gone." Willow calmed him.

Dazed he asked, "How....?"

"I dusted the rest of them. Including Dante. Don't worry." She paused and then she continued in a voice that trembled, "When I saw you on the ground and thought that..that you would be..."

The distress he discerned in her voice cleared the fog from his mind. "Hey, its o.k. I'm alright." He gave a lopsided smile wanting to add weight to his words.

Love and relief overwhelmed Willow. She bent down and lingeringly kissed his forehead. Remembering herself, she pulled away embarrassed.

When he felt able, Willow helped him up, supporting him all the way home. Once there, Willow silently dressed his wounds. Her hands trembled a little thinking how close to being destroyed he had come. He would be alright now of course, if not sore as hell.

"You did a great job you know," Angel said trying to lighten the mood. He inwardly marveled that for all the fragility Willow projected, she was able to defeat a powerful vampire like Dante without batting an eyelash.

"I had a good teacher." Willow put the finishing touches on the bandages.

"It's a good thing too, I didn't even see the last one coming at me." Angel frowned slightly as he tested his wounds with the bandages on.

"I seem to remember telling you sometime back about that blindside. Vampires don't fight fair you know Angel." Willow teased half-heartedly.

"I'll have to remember that for next time."

Willow shuddered.

She followed him as he made his way gingerly to bed. Willow sat down next to him but Angel pulled her down to him, holding her as tightly as his wounds would allow. "When Dante said he was going to take you to the Anointed One, I lost it. I wish I had been the one to stake the bastard," Angel growled.

Even as she thrilled at his words and reveled in being close to him, Dante's last words echoed in her mind. < 'I won't be the last to come for you...Nor will I be the last one to come after Angelus as long as he's with you. He's as good as dead.' > She stared wide-eyed into the darkness, long after Angel fell asleep. < I won't let there be a next time, Angel. >

When Angel awoke there was no sign of Willow. Still stiff from his wounds, he nevertheless went through the silent house looking for her. When he saw an envelope on the mantle with his name on it, he experienced a kind of un-named dread. Angel picked it up and read the letter inside.



Dear Angel,

I have decided to leave Rome. By the time you get this letter I will have gone. You have to trust that I know what I'm doing. Please, don't worry about me. I couldn't face you since I know you would probably try to talk me out of any reasons I have for leaving. Almost a year ago you rescued me from Colin, saved me again when I tried to kill myself. You came with me to Rome to help me, to watch over me. Is there anything that I don't owe you? Without you Angel, I would have died or gone insane a long time ago. There is more than just gratitude though, because most importantly you have been my friend. We've grown so close and the last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt you. You sacrificed so much to be here for me and although you don't talk about her often, I know that you still love Buffy. Go to her now. I can't ever repay you for all you've done for me, can't ever show you how much you mean to me except by giving you the freedom to go where you're heart truly is.

Love always, Willow