I Love Lucy Quotes

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I Love Lucy Quotes

"I Love Lucy" Quotes

LUCY THINKS RICKY IS TRYING TO MURDER HER-

RICKY: It was the husband

LUCY: The husband?! he didn't have any reason to kill her.

RICKY: He was married wasn't he?

FRED: Eventually every married woman gets the feeling that her husband wants to kill her. And, she's usually right.

RICKY: Lucy's been acting strange lately.

FRED: Strange? How can you tell?

LUCY: Helen, Ann,... oh I'm not even cold yet and Ricky's already lining up girls to take my place...Mary, Cynthia, Theodore. Theodore!? Who's Theodore?

LUCY: I got a mickey from Ricky!

THE GIRLS WANT TO GO TO A NIGHTCLUB

LUCY: Ever since we said I do, there are so many things we don't

ETHEL: Who are you calling? Who? Who? Who?

LUCY: Stop that, you sound like an owl

ETHEL: Lucy, what were those names you whispered to me?

LUCY: What did they sound like?

ETHEL: They sounded like Little Boy Blue, and Peter Cottontail

LUCY: That's who it was

ETHEL: Have we called Howard Thompson? he isn't checked off yet

LUCY: Yea, he's busy babysitting with his grandson

ETHEL: Oh, grandson!?

LUCY: When I dated him, he was an interesting older man

FRED: I bet you could have gotten a fortune for that book

RICKY: "A" alone was worth a hundred bucks!

ETHEL: Xcelsier Cleaners, Yum Yum Market, and Paul Zabayoni

LUCY: Paul Zabayoni? He must be around, nobody would marry him

(Lucy calls Paul on the phone) LUCY: Hello...little girl!...no don't call your daddy to the phone...Little girl!...Pizon!

RICKY: You know who those two creeps in there are?

FRED: No

RICKY: It's Lucy & Ethel!

BE A PAL

ETHEL: If he fishes, take up fishing, if he golfs, take up golfing...

LUCY: Ricky plays poker, I'll have to take up poking

LUCY: As a dancer, I have 2 left feet, and as a singer, I sound like a bull moose pulling his foot out of the mud.

RICKY: Lucy and Ethel might go to the Copacabana and drink champagne, then they'll dance and have more champagne, then they'll have dinner and have more champagne, who knows what could happen?

FRED: Yea with all that champagne Ethel might look good

THE DIET

LUCY: I walked into this room weighing 110 pounds, I now weigh 132, that's 22 pounds in 10 minutes!

ETHEL: On behalf of the tubby trio, I now welcome you to our flabby foursome.

THE QUIZ SHOW

LUCY: Ricky, I want to introduce you to my second first husband

THE SEANCE

MR. MERRIWETHER: I'm a 1

LUCY: I'm a 3

RICKY: I'm a 5

MR. MERRIWETHER: We're all odd aren't we?

ETHEL: Ethel to Tillie, Ethel to Tillie, come in Tillie, over.

LUCY: Now, you never know. Before the evening is through we may see a spook.

RICKY: Don't tell me you invited your mother

MEN ARE MESSY

RICKY: This is a regular pigpen!

LUCY: It a'int a regular one but it'll do!

DRAFTED

FRED: You father, Lucy mother, me Tarzan

ETHEL: I wish we could do more for them, then just sitting around knitting socks and tents

THE FUR COAT

FRED: For a minute I thought you were being attacked by a giant catapillar!

FRED: Lucy's really attached to that coat isn't she?

RICKY: I'm beginning to think the coat is attached to Lucy

LUCY IS JEALOUS OF GIRL SINGER

LUCY: You mean, you were so upset you didn't even go to rehearsal? Is that what you were trying to tell me?

RICKY: Well that's not what I meant to tell you

THE BENEFIT

ETHEL: My women's club wants Ricky

LUCY: Well I'd be very happy to help them out Ethel, but I'm not through with him yet

LUCY: You've got to agree that I'm better than nothing

ETHEL: There you've got me

LUCY: What's Ricky got that I haven't got except, a band...a reputation...

ETHEL: ...and talent!

LUCY FAKES ILLNESS

LUCY: Who am I? Where am I? What am I?

RICKY: Fred? do I look green to you?

FRED: No

RICKY: You don't look green to me either

LUCY: Oh no, I'm looking at the world through green colored eyeballs

THE BALLET

BURLESQUE COMIC: Slowly I turn, step by step, inch by inch, I crept up on the beast that had stolen her away, I looked around for a rock, and let him have it!

YOUNG FANS

LUCY: He's babad his last lu

RICKY: Keep jiggling Peggy, please keep jiggiling

LUCY: Arthur take shorter steps, you'll be dancing with a girl not a antelope

RICKY: What's wrong with you?

LUCY: I gave Arthur a dancing lesson

RICKY: Arthur? Arthur who?

LUCY: Well, believe me it wasn't Arthur Murray

LUCY: I gave Arthur a dancing lesson to get Peggy off your neck

RICKY: What are you whispering for?

LUCY: If my feet ever find out it was my idea, they'll kill me

PEGGY: He's middle aged!

LUCY: What!?

PEGGY: He must be pushing twenty three

LUCY: Yea he's pushing twenty-three all right, in fact he's pushed it all the way to thirty-five

LUCY: I guess that you think I'm pushing twenty-three?

PEGGY: Oh no, a woman can always tell another woman's age

NEW NEIGHBORS

LUCY: I pretended to be a chair

POLICEMAN: Madame, I don't think the police can help you. Why don't you call an apholsterer, and maybe someday you'll grow up to be a nice big sofa

RICKY: Orchestra Leader Jailed on Shooting Spree!

FRED AND ETHEL FIGHT

FRED: She said my mother looked like a weasel

LUCY: Ethel! apoligize!

ETHEL: I'm sorry you're mother looks like a weasel

THE MOUSTACHE

LUCY: I'm going to be in that new motion picture "Moon Over the North Pole" I'm going to play Santa Claus

LUCY: I don't care how much they pay me, I'm not going to play the part of your father

THE GOSSIP

LUCY: She didn't!...She didn't!...She didn't!...She couldn't!

RICKY: Maybe that's why she didn't!

FRED: Ethel Mertz...This is your consciene, you've been gossiping...

LUCY: Ethel, you have the loudest conscience I've ever heard

RICKY: Lucy Ricardo...This is your conscience, you've been gosspin' too

LUCY: Oh fine my conscience has an accent

PIONEER WOMEN

LUCY: Ricky? Fred? We're revolting!

RICKY: No more than usual

FRED: What's the matter with ten dollars?

ETHEL: What's the matter with twenty dollars?

LUCY: What's the matter with thirty dollars?

RICKY: What's the matter with fifty dollars?

FRED: What was the matter with ten dollars?

LUCY: Bake?! Like I bake a cake?

RICKY: I hope not

LUCY: We have no desire to join your phony baloeny club!

THE FREEZER

LUCY: Psst! come here! Are you tired of payin' high prices? Are you interested in a little high class beef? Do you wanna bargain? Tell ya what I'm gonna do. Now you look like a smart dame, what'll it be? I got sirlion, tenderlion, T-bone, rump. Pot roast, chuck roast, ox tail, stump.

WOMAN: How can you afford to sell it so cheap?

LUCY: Glad you asked that lady, 'cause we do everything ourselves, we rope, we brand, we butcher, we do everything but eat it for ya! seventy-nine cents a pound!

LUCY DOES A TV COMMERCIAL

LUCY: Hello friends, I'm your Vitameatavegamin girl. Are you tired? Rundown? Listless? Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular? Well the answer to all your problems is in this little bottle. Vitameatavegamin. Vitameatavegamin contains Vitamins, meat, vegetables, and minerals. Yes, with Vitameatavegamin, you spoon your way to health. All you do is take a big spoonful after every meal. It's so tasty too. Just like candy. So why don't you join all the happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of Vitameatavegamin tomorrow. That's Vita-meata-vegamin.

THE PUBLICITY AGENT

LUCY: I'm not a maharincess, I'm a hennarincess!

LUCY GETS RICKY ON THE RADIO

ETHEL: What are those lines going across there?

FRED: There's too much contrast. I'll fix it...There. How does it look now?

LUCY: Well I can see the lines much better.

ETHEL: There... There... The lines are fading.

LUCY: The lines are gone.

RICKY: So is the picture

LUCY: Well you're certainly alot smarter than I am. I got all I can do to remember that there are fourty-six states.

ETHEL: fourty-eight

LUCY: Oh yea, I guess I forgot Alaska and Hawaii.

RICKY: Look all I know is that Columbus discovered Ohio in 1776.

FREDDIE FILLMORE: What is the name of the animal that fastens itself to you and drains your blood.

LUCY: The collector of Internal Revenue.

FREDDIE FILLMORE: How long is a senators term in office?

LUCY: The sap runs every two years.

FREDDIE FILLMORE: Why did Marie Antonette go under the sharp blade of the guiottine?

RICKY: To scrape the barnacles off her hull.

FREDDIE FILLMORE: What did George Washington say while crossing the Delaware?

RICKY: Please let me sit down this is making me sick.

LUCY'S SCHEDULE:

LUCY: Budget my time? Like I budget my money?

RICKY: heaven forbid!

LUCY: I drew in an extra hour at the bottom of the chart

ETHEL: Where'd did you get the extra hour?

LUCY: From the next day

ETHEL: From the next day?

LUCY: Yea, It'll work out fine till the end of the year and then I'll be two weeks short.

RICKY THINKS HE'S GETTING BALD

LUCY: I want this place looking like a sea of honeydew melons

FRED: I know just how Ricky feels now that I'm starting to lose my hair.

ETHEL: Honey your hairline isn't starting to recede...turn around.

FRED: I've got plenty of hair, it goes way down over my eyes

LUCY: Yea Fred, you better cut it people will think your a girl.

THE HANDCUFFS

FRED: These are old Civil War handcuffs.

RICKY & LUCY: Civil War!?

ETHEL: Fred, have you been saving them since then?

THE OPERETTA

RICKY: I am the good Prince Lancelot, I love to sing and dance alot...

LADY(singing): There's trouble backstage

LUCY (singing): What seems to be the trouble?

LADY (singing): There's some men backstage taking away the costumes and the scenery

LUCY: (singing): I gave them a check

LADY: (singing an operatic trill): It bounced. Bounced...bounced...bou...ou...ou...ou...ou...ou...ounced.

LUCY: It came back?

JOB SWITCHING

RICKY: I went to the bank today and they showed me this

LUCY: What's that?

RICKY: Your check to the beauty parlor

LUCY: I write a check to the beauty parlor each month

RICKY: I know that but they don't always have a note in the back, 'Dear teller be a lamb and don't put this in till next month'

LUCY: Now I know why they call them tellers they go around blabbing everything they know

FOREWOMAN: Speed it up a little!

FOREWOMAN: Let er roll

RICKY: Fred, what do you know about rice?

FRED: I know I had it thrown at me on one of the darkest days of my life

THE SAXOPHONE

LUCY: Flip me some skin boys

LUCY: What's the matter? Or don't you dig beebop beebop?

VACATION FROM MARRIAGE

ETHEL: We've been to 21, 4 times this week... that's 84!

LUCY: Don't take this personally Ethel, but I'm sick of the sight of your face

LUCY to Ricky: I want to be in a rut with you

LUCY: We're knee deep in a pool of stagnation, so what are we going to do about it?

FRED: I don't know what your gonna do, but I'm gonna take a shower