"They Shoot Videos, Don't they?" / Tuesday - January 19, 1999

SLY : Welcome to Sharkey's, the humble little beach eatery where groupies gather to catch a
      glimpse of California Dreams manager.
SLY : That's me -- Hey, babes.
SLY : Ah, there're three of the Dreams now: Tony, Tiffani, and, although she doesn't know it
      yet, my future wife, Jenny.
JENNY : Yeah, right. I'll be your wife when Murphy Brown marries Dan Quayle.
TONY : Hey, Sylvester, over here.
TONY : I'd like to say hello to a very special girl out there. Well, actually...a lot of very
        special girls. Hello, Pattie, Julie, Stacey, Iris...
SLY : Hey, it's only a two hour tape!
SLY : And there's Matt with his main squeeze, Randi Jo, having a tender private moment.
MATT : Which you just ruined.
SLY : Careful, or you'll ruin your ticket to fame.
SLY : Gather around, my chirping brood, and rejoice in the tidings your manager brings.
RANDI JO : Does Sly have some kind of medicine he forgets to take?
SLY : I've got big news. Bigger than big. California Dreams is going to be on Video 99 TV!
SLY : I mean it! They're having a homemade video contest.
TIFFANI : Oh, yeah, I heard about that. The winning band gets an all-expense-paid trip to New
           York and goes on Video 99.
RANDI JO : New york? I'm gonna miss you.
MATT : We haven't won yet. But thanks for believing.
SLY : Believe in this. The winning band gets ten thousand dollars!
TONY : Nicki Denteen! Now that's a Kodak moment, huh, Sly?
TIFFANI : Sly, you're drooling.
SLY : She's no Jenny Garrison, but at least she doesn't hit me.
RANDI JO : Matt, you are the best boyfriend in the world. You didn't even look at her.
MATT : That's because I've got everything I want to look at right here.
TONY : Now, Matt, no chewing gum in class unless you brought enough for everybody.
SLY : All right. Let's synchronize calendars. We shoot my video on Saturday, so don't make
      plans.
JENNY : Hold on, Sly. Why is it your video?
SLY : Because it's my camera. now excuse me, I've got a little casting to do.
SLY : Nicki, babe, I'm gonna make you a star.
MOM : This cheesecake is delicious. Well, not as delicious as the cake we had on our
       honeymoon.
DAD : Mmmm, the Starlight Cafe. The waiter knew we were honeymooners. When we asked
      how, he said--
JENNY/MATT/DENNIS : "You two have stars in your eyes and rice in your ears."
DAD : I take it you've heard this before.
JENNY : Well, let's see. I'm sixteen, so that would mean I've heard it oh, about...sixteen times.
DENNIS : Everytime your anniversary comes around you guys get all mushy.
MATT : I think it's great. I hope I'm still romantic when I'm that old.
MOM : Thanks... I think.
SLY : Hello, my passion flower.
MATT : Who knows, Jen? Maybe after twenty years you'll feel the same way toward Sly as
        Mom does about Dad.
JENNY : Yuck!
SLY : I'll have you know, in some countries "yuck" is a term of endearment.
JENNY : Right. What country is that?
DENNIS : Yuckatan!
SLY : Good save, little man.
MOM : Hey, do you know what I'm in the mood for? A long walk on the beach.
DAD : Ooohh... Don't wait up.
MATT : I'm outta here, too. I''ve got a date with Randi Jo.
SLY : Hold on, Matthew. You'll want to see this. It's my script for the video.
JENNY : You know, Sly, I'm actually curious to see what you've written.
SLY : Really?
JENNY : Yeah, it's sort of like that morbid urge you get to stare at a car accident.
SLY : Then picture this. You guys finish a big concert. And after you pay me my ten percent,
      you're attacked by a herd of love starved groupies. They'll chase you all over town lips-a
      -puckered. And finally, in a heart-thumping climax, Matt is cornered by the Queen
      Groupie.
MATT : Queen Groupie?
SLY : Who will be played magnificently by Nicki Denteen.
JENNY : Ooh. Surprise, surprise.
SLY : Sarcasm duly noted. So, Matt sucks face with Nicki, which melts her powers, and thus,
      saves the group. The end.
MATT : It's a little rough, but... We could shoot it on the beach, at Sharkey's, in the garage...
        This could work! Jenny, imagine seeing us on Video 99.
JENNY : Imagine Randi Jo seeing you "suck face" with Nicki Denteen on Video 99.
SLY : Hey, it's not for real. It's just acting. She can tell the difference, right?
MATT : Right, Randi Jo's very mature. She'll definitely understand.
RANDI JO : No way. You're not kissing her!
MATT : Shh. We'll ralk later.
RANDI JO : When? After you kiss that bimbo?
MATT : It's only acting. I won't really be kissing her.
RANDI JO : Will you be holding her?
MATT : A little.
RANDI JO : Will your lips be pressing against hers?
MATT : I guess.
RANDI JO : THEN YOU'LL REALLY BE KISSING HER!
MATT : Shhh. Look at those guys! They're just acting. A kiss doesn't mean anything without
        any feeling behind it.
RANDI JO : Oh? And what feeling would you have if I kissed Dirk Nelson?
MATT : The football captain?
RANDI JO : On the fifty-yard line... with everyone watching...right on his big muscular lips...
MATT : I'll talk to Sly. I promise.
MATT : All right, keep Nicki, but I'm not kissing her. I promised Randi Jo.
SLY : But you've got to kiss her. It's the whole coop de grass of the whole video.
TIFFANI : Sly, Matt made a promise to Randi Jo. And a promise is a sacred thing. If he breaks
          that promise, he's a liar. Imagine if George Washington would have been a liar, we
          wouldn't know about that cherry tree, now would we?
SLY : Okay, okay, I'll change it. She'll shake his hand.
SLY : Okay, places everyone! Let's make it a good one.
SLY : Okay, ready? Action!
SLY : Ctu! Print! Beautiful!
RANDI JO : You promised me!
MATT : Randi Jo, I had no idea!
RANDI JO : You lied to me. I will never trust you again. Never!
MATT : Randi Jo! Matt. Sly, you idiot! I told you I didn't want to kiss her.
SLY : You didn't kiss her. She kissed you.
JENNY : I have never seen Matt this mad at Sly.
TONY : I don't blame him. Sylvester's a no-good-video-shooting-bimbo-casting-relationship-
        killing-chump. And those are his good qualities.
TIFFANI : Sly knows he messed up. He's desperate to fix things between Matt and Randi Jo.
JENNY : Yeah, but if he knows what's good for him, he'll just stay out of it.
SLY : Randi Jo! Come quick!
RANDI JO : Back off, Sly. I've got a fork and I know how to use it.
SLY : No, listen. It's about Matt. He's in terrible shape, and he's calling for you. Randi Jo...Rndi
      Jo.
RANDI JO : I'm sorry, but it's over with us. I have nothing to say to him.
SLY : Please, reconsider before it's to late. Otherwise...
RANDI JO : Is he really sick?
SLY : He's weak. He's got no appetite. And he's got a fever that's so high you could fry bacon
      on his face.
RANDI JO : Poor, Matt. I'd better go to him.
MATT : Randi Jo!
RANDI JO : Well, I guess youre feeling better, bacon face.
MATT : Wait, I --
RANDI JO : Just stay away from me, you liar!
MATT : Sly, whatever you did, I'm gonna kill you!
SLY : I was just trying to help.
MATT : Haven't you done enough damage to my life already?! Keep away from her! And keep
        away from me, too!
TONY : Matt, I hate seeing you so down.
MATT : I just miss Randi Jo so much. I don't know what to do.
TONY : Let me tell you about the Tony Wick's Rules Of Reconciliation. One: tell her it was all
        your fault even if it wasn't. Two: tell her you've changed and it will never happen again.
        And three: if one and two don't work -- beg like a dog.
MATT : I already called her. She hung up on me twelve times.
TONY : Addendum to the Rules Of Reconciliation: never call less than thirteen times.
MATT : Hi, it's me. Don't hang up! Just listen: I can't stop thinking about you... Oh, hello, Mrs.
        Manning. Is Randi Jo home?... No actually, it's only the thirteenth time. Well, thank you
        for counting. Good-bye.
TONY : Yo, Matt. No girl's worth a major wig-out. I mean, they're just a bunch of hair-tossing-
        hip-wiggling-strutting their stuff-guy teasers.
MATT : You think so?
TONY : Definitely. You hang tough. And no more thinking about girls. I'll check you later.
MATT : Where are you going?
TONY : I've got a hot date with Yvonne.
TIFFANI : So, I'm riding this gnarly wave and I get snaked by this barney. Then from out of
          nowhere this gorgeous guy rides up to me on a shiny white board, scoops me up and
          surfs me to safety. It was wonderful.
TIFFANI : We spent the whole day together, talking, laughing, learning about each other. I love
          falling in love. But then again there's a lot to be said for being single. You get your
          freedom and lots of "me" time.
MATT : Nice try, Tif.
JENNY : What do you think I was doing, scratching my neck?
MOM : Ah. Here it is. Look, Matt, the top of our wedding cake.
DAD : And here's a copy of the wedding vows we wrote. "We met in the spring. We dated
      through the summer. Without you in my life, it would be a bummer."
MOM : And I married him anyway.
MATT : Do you two have to make such a big show of how happily in love you are? Act like
        adults. Get preoccupied with work.
MOM : Still feeling down about Randi Jo, huh?
DAD : Matt, sometimes it helps to talk.
MATT : I know, but not right now. I just need to be alone. Okay?
MATT : Does everybody in the world have someone except me? Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I am
        crazy... MAYBE I'M CRAZY MAYBE I'M CRAZY, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYBODY'S
        IN LOVE BUT ME.
SLY : Matt. Hi. That's nice. I like the sound of it.
MATT : Get out.
SLY : Okay, you're still mad. But I came up with a new idea for the video. This time the  
      groupies kiss the manager!
SLY : It's just a joke. Matt?
MATT : I'm busy, Sly. Just leave me alone, okay.
SLY : Okay. I'll get out. I'll leave you alone. But before I go... Matt, I'm sorry. Are you and I
      still friends?
MATT : Yeah, Sly. Look, we'll talk about it later, okay?
SLY : I got you. I'm history.
SLY : But I am still the manager, right?
MATT : Yes, you're still the manager. Now, please...
SLY :  Oh, and I still get my ten percent?
MATT : Get out!
MATT : MAYBE I'M CRAZY
  BUT IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE'S IN LOVE
  BUT ME...
  NOW THAT YOU'RE NOT HERE
MOM : Matt, we're worried about you.
MATT : Don't sweat it. I'm fine.
DAD : I don't think so. We got your anniversary gift.
JENNY : Ooh. A broken heart. Very subtle, Matt.
MOM : Matt, it's okay to feel bad after someone breaks up with you.
DAD : Just realize, this feeling is not going to last forever.
MATT : I know. Look, I'm sorry to make you worry. Please don't make me feel worse by
        screwing up your anniversary plans.  
DAD : Jenny, Dennis, maybe you guys could hang out with him, okay? We won't be late.
SLY : Hey, it's the anniversary couple. Congrats, folks. What is it -- fifty years?
DAD : Sly, with you around, it just seems like fifty.
SLY : Hey, where's Matt?
JENNY : Emotionally, he's in the cold barren hinterland of despair. Where trails of frozen tears
         stick pathetically to his lonely cheeks. Physically, he's in his room.
SLY : Enough is enough! We've got to get this guy back on his feet.
JENNY : Sure, but how?
SLY : We gotta help him feel normal. Let's get a band practice together.
JENNY : You know, that's not a bad idea.
SLY : If you like that, I've got another idea.
SLY : But I forgot what it was.
JENNY : I'll go call Tony and Tiffani.
SLY : Hey, Dennis, how would you like to embark on an exciting career as a home video
      engineer?
SLY : Now remember, this is our only shot of the band playing, so say it's important. Keep
      low, and I'll give you the signal when to start.
DENNIS : Why am I hiding? Why can't we just tell everybody we're shooting a video?
SLY : Because those bleeding hearts will accuse me of exploiting Matt's depression, and being an  
      insensitive slob.
DENNIS : Well, aren't you?
SLY : Yeah. Now shut up and get in the garbage.
SLY : So, Matt, what are you in the mood to play?
MATT : I don't know, maybe--
SLY : I'll take that for you, Tony.
TONY : Well, we might have finally found your specialty, sylvester... Garbage.
SLY : You know what kinda song you should do? Something depressing, something gut-
      wrenching, something about not being in love... Got anything like that?
MATT : You guys want to try something new I wrote?
JENNY : Sure, just let me get rid of my gum.
SLY : I'll take that from you, my dear.
JENNY : You want my gum?
SLY : I cherish any object lucky enough to touch your lips.
TIFFANI : Hi, guys, sorry I'm late. Anyone want some of my milkshake?
SLY : Tiffani!
TIFFANI : I asked if anyone wanted some.
DENNIS : Mmm. Chocolate.
MATT : Okay, it's a slow ballad. Start with "E" flat, then watch me for the changes.
TONY : Matt, you're looking fresh, my man.
MATT : Yeah, I feel great. I mean, it's been a couple of weeks and I'm completely over
         breaking up with R-r-r-Randi Jo.
TONY : I'm g-g-g-glad.
JENNY : Where is Sly?
TIFFANI : Yeah, what was so important?
SLY : Tiffani, you're forgetting the first commandemnt of success: Trust thy manager without
      question. Case in point: Does anyone recall that certain video contest?
JENNY : Sly, we told you before, we're not doing your video.
SLY : Too late. You already did it. I shot it in secret, with a little help from Dennis. I used that
      new song you wrote. You were so bummed out, Matt. It was beautiful.
MATT : I can't believe you! How can you stand there so smugly and admit to being such a
        rotten low-life?
SLY : We're finalists.
MATT : We're finalists?!
SLY : Enough talk. We're on Video 99.
V.J. : And now our last finalist. Hailing from Southern California, here's California Dreams, with
     their video, "Everybody's Got Someone."

(MUSIC CUE : "EVERYBODY'S GOT SOMEONE BUT ME"
MAYBE I'M CRAZY
BUT IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE'S IN LOVE
BUT ME
NOW THAT YOU'RE NOT HERE
LATELY I WONDER
WHAT I'VE SAID OR DONE SO WRONG
TO MAKE YOU LEAVE
I'M DROWNIN IN MY TEARS
ALL MY FRIENDS WALKIN HAND IN HAND
IT MAKES IT TOUGH
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY IT'S NOT US
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE NOT IN LOVE
NOT IN LOVE
EVERYBODY'S GOT SOMEONE
EVERYBODY'S GOT SOMEONE
EVERYBODY'S GOT SOMEONE, BUT ME
AND I'VE GOT TO FIND A WAY
TO BRING YOU BACK TO ME AGAIN
SOMEDAY
AND YOU'LL NEVER GO AWAY
EVERYBODY'S GOT SOMEONE
EVERYBODY'S GOT SOMEONE
EVERYBODY'S GOT SOMEONE, BUT ME
EVERYBODY'S GOT SOMEONE
EVERYBODY'S GOT SOMEONE
EVERYBODY'S GOT SOMEONE)

TIFFANI : That was great.
TONY : Yeah, man. The song cooked.
SLY : Shhh! They're going to announce the winner. Ten thousand dollars, ten thousand dollars,
      ten thousand dollars...
V.J. : Okay, our judges have reached a decision. And the winner is... The Riddles from
      Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania!
MATT : What a bummer, man.
SLY : I'm sorry, Matt. I thought we'd win.
MATT : No, Sly, you did great, the video was cool. It just reminded me of Randi Jo.
SLY : I guess I can understand that. Maybe this will cheer you up.
RANDI JO : Hi, Matt.
MATT : Randi Jo!
RANDI JO : I wanted to talk to you sooner. Sly made me wait outside.
SLY : So sue me. I've got a flair for drama.
RANDI JO : I didn't think I could turst you, Matt. But that video you sent me was the sweetest
           thing. It made me realize how much I miss you.
MATT : The video I sent?
RANDI JO : I must have watched it a thousand times. Oh, Matt... Is there somewhere we can go
            and talk?
MATT : Talk? Sure. We're going to go... talk.
SLY : Yeah, well, talk some for me.
MATT : Thanks, buddy.
TONY : My eyes must be seeing things. Sylvester, you actually did something nice.
JENNY : Yeah, it was nice, and I'm amazed that you got Dennis to help. How much did you have
         to pay him?
SLY : Nothing, we're buds.
DENNIS : C'mon, Sly. We can't keep the babes waiting forever.

-THE END-