[To Cordelia] Buffy: Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.

Buffy: Mom, dead people are talking to you. Do the math!

Buffy: Oh, no...I have to go take an English make-up exam. They give you credit just for speaking it, right?

Buffy: Hey! Look at us. We came up with a plan, a good plan.

Buffy: I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every person on the face of the Earth to do it.

Buffy: I know Faith's not going to be on the cover of Sanity Fair.

Buffy: Okay, that was too close for comfort. Not that slaying is ever comfy, but... you know what I mean.

Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.

Buffy: I don't play well with others.

Buffy: Do---do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would *love* to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or... God, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again.

Buffy: I didn't jump to conclusions. I took a small step, and conclusions there were.

Buffy: You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend!

Buffy: I lost a friend tonight and I may lose more! The whole world may be sucked into hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho?! Let me take this opportunity to NOT care!

Buffy: It must have been wonderful. To put on some fantabulous gown and go to a ball like a princess. And have horses and servants and yet more gowns.

Buffy: I think I speak for everyone here when I say, huh?

Buffy: We saved the world. I say we have to party.

Buffy: Add it up, it all spells duh.

Buffy: Are you crazy? You just don't sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk, you stomp, or... yodel.

Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it, this is never good.

Buffy: God! I am so mentally challenged!

Buffy: I didn't say that I'd never slay another vampire. It's not like I have all these fluffy bunny feelings for them, I'm just not gonna get way extracurricular with it.

Buffy: I gotta stop him before he unleashes unholy havoc and it's just another Tuesday night in Sunnydale.

Buffy: I may be dead, but I'm still pretty.

Buffy: I spent a good part of my allowance on this new cream rinse and it's neither creamy nor rinsy.

Buffy: I'm Buffy, The Vampire Slayer. And you are?

Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.

Buffy: You need a personality, stat.

Buffy: Oh look, a bad guy.

Buffy: Okay, everyone look at me like I'm in a bunny suit because that's how stupid I feel like saying this.

Buffy: People to see, demons to kill.

Buffy: What's with all the tragedy masks?

Buffy: When he wakes up, tell him... I don't know. Think of something cool, tell him I said it.

Buffy: You know, I just woke up and I looked in the mirror and thought, "Hey, what's with all the sin." I need to change. I'm dirty, I'm bad with the sex, and the envy, and the loud music us kids listen to nowadays. Oh, I just suck at undercover.

Buffy: You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry. Was that an offensive term? Should I say undead American?

Buffy: My boyfriend had a bicentennial.

Buffy: Oh, I know this one! "Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah bliddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone."

Buffy: We have a marching jazz band?
Oz: Yeah, but, you know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions, banging into floats... scary.

Willow: I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah, 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.
Buffy: Meow!
Willow: Really? Thanks. I've never gotten a "meow" before.

Cordelia: When did you become Martha Stewart?
Buffy: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto.
Xander: I don't believe she slays, either.
Oz: Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to.

Buffy: I just wanna get my life back, you know? Do normal stuff.
Willow: Like date?
Buffy: Well...
Xander: Aw, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut.
[Buffy punches him on the arm]
Xander: Ow.
Buffy: All right... yes, date, and shop and hang out and go to school, and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do *girlie* stuff.

Buffy: What are you guys talking about?
Oz: Oddly enough, your boyfriend. Again.
Buffy: He's not my boyfriend. Really and truly, he's... I don't know. Are we cool?
Xander: Yeah. Just, seeing the two of you kissing, after everything that happened... I leaned toward the postal. But I trust you.
Cordelia: I don't. Just for the record.

Buffy: Do you remember that demon that almost got out the night I died?
Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.

Buffy: I can't believe you got into Oxford!
Willow: It's pretty exciting.
Oz: That's some deep academia there.
Buffy: That's where they make Gileses!
Willow: I know! I can learn, and have scones!

Buffy: What should we do with the trio over here? Should we burn them?
Willow: I brought marshmallows.

Xander: Willow, did you remember to tape "Biography" last Friday?
Willow: Uh huh.
Buffy: See? I told you... old reliable.
Willow: Oh, thanks.
Buffy: What?
Willow: "Old reliable"? Yeah, there's a sexy nickname.
Buffy: I-I didn't mean it as--
Willow: No, it's fine. I'm "old reliable."
Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
Willow: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog that the guy had to shoot--
Willow: That's Old *Yeller*.
Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.

Wesley: The Council's orders are to concentrate on the--
Buffy: Orders. I don't think I'm going to be taking any more orders. Not from you, not from them.
Wesley: You can't turn your back on the Council.
Buffy: They're in England. I don't think they can tell which way my back is facing.

Buffy: I went to Angel's last night, and Faith was there. They looked sort of... intimate.
Willow: No way. I know what you're thinking, and no way.
Buffy: You're right. Faith would never do that.
Willow: Faith would *totally* do that. Faith was *built* to do that. She's the *do that* girl.
Buffy: Comfort, remember? Comfort here.
Willow: I mean, please. Does Angel come up to Faith's standards for a guy? Let's see...is he breathing?
Buffy: Actually, no.

Xander: Is it too much to ask for a little backup?
Buffy: I'm here for you Xand. I'm supporto gal.

Xander: So, Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?
Buffy: Xander!
Xander: I mean, how'd the *laying* go? No, I don't mean that either.

Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
Giles: Yes. That's why one slays them.

Vampire: Slayer.
Buffy: Slayee.

Buffy: Have I ever let you down?
Giles: Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?

Giles: I'll bring the weaponry.
Buffy: I'll bring the party mix.

Buffy: Ahh, it's okay. Gave Cord and I chance to spend some quality death time.
Cordelia: And we got these free corsages.

Buffy: Do you really love Xander?
Cordelia: Well, he kinda grows on you, like... a Chia Pet.

Buffy: Hey, I know! Why don't you kill them?
Giles: I'm a Watcher, I haven't the skill.
Buffy: Oh, come on. A stake through the heart, a little sunlight. It's like falling off a log.

Buffy: How long do you think that he can stay angry at me anyway?
Willow: The emotional marathon man?

Buffy: I don't get it. Why would anybody want to make a girl?
Xander: You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around?

Buffy: I'm sorry, it's just been a really weird day.
Xander: Yeah, Buffy died and everything.
Willow: Wow, harsh.

Buffy: Mom, the only way you get a new slayer is if the old slayer dies.
Joyce: Then that means you... When did you die? You never told me you died.
Buffy: It was just for a few minutes.

Buffy: Now, we can do this the hard way or... well, actually, there's just the hard way.
Darla: That's fine with me.
Buffy: Are you sure? Now this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content.

Buffy: See, this is a school. And we have students and they check out books and then they learn things.
Giles: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.

Buffy: Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.
Xander: That actually kinda turns me on.
Buffy: I fear you.

Buffy: You were spying on me? What gives you the right?
Cordelia: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?
Buffy: It was an accident.
Xander: What? You just tripped and fell on his lips?

Cordelia: You're really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?

Giles: Alright. I'll just jump into my time machine, go back to the 12th century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.

Giles: I suspect your mother would want to... put it on the refrigerator.
Buffy: Yeah. She saw these scores and her head spun around and exploded.
Giles: I've been on the Hellmouth too long, that was metaphorical, yes?
Buffy: Yes.

Giles: They came after me, but I was more than a match for them.
Buffy: Meaning?
Giles: I hid.

Giles: This is the SATs, Buffy. Not connect the dots. Please pay attention. A low score can seriously harm your chances of getting into college.
Buffy: Gee, thanks. That takes the pressure right off.

Joyce: You belong in a good old fashioned college with keg parties and boys. Not here with Hellmouths and vampires.
Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction.

Master: You were destined to die, it was written.
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.

Nurse: What are you doing?
Buffy: Breaking into your office and going through your private files.

Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back making googly eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.
Buffy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Spike: Oh yeah, you're just friends.
Angel: That's right.
Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other 'til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children. It's blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.

Xander: When are you guys gonna stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia?
Buffy: I'm sorry, but never.

Anya: You've never seen a demon.
Buffy: Uh, excuse me. Killing them professionally, four years running.

Buffy: I told one lie...I had one drink...
Giles: Yes. And you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words, "Let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.

Buffy: Slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.
Xander: Obviously you're not dating Cordelia.

Giles: Might I have a word?
Buffy: Have a sentence even.

[Buffy reads her mom's thoughts]
Buffy: You had sex with Giles? You had SEX with Giles?
Joyce: It was the candy, we were teenagers.
Buffy: On the top of a police car?
Joyce: I'll be downstairs.
Buffy: TWICE?

Buffy: And, 'Native American.'
Giles: Sorry?
Buffy: We don't say 'Indian.'
Giles: Oh, right. Yes, yes. Always behind on the terms. Still trying not to refer to you lot as 'bloody colonials.'

Spike: You made a bear!
Buffy: I didn't mean to.
Spike: Undo it! Undo it!

Faith: When I'm fighting, it's like the whole world goes away. I only know one thing: that I'm gonna win, and they're gonna lose. I *like* that feeling.
Buffy: Well sure, beats that "dead" feeling you get when they win and *you* lose.

Faith: You can't trust guys.
Buffy: You can trust some guys. Really, I've read about them.

Buffy: Maybe I should introduce you again. Faith, this is Giles.
Faith: I've seen him. If I would have known they came that young and cute, I would have requested a transfer.
Buffy: Raise your hand if eww.

Buffy: When Giles sends me on a mission, he says "please." And afterwards I get a cookie.

Jenny: You're here again? You kids really dig the library don't you?
Buffy: We're literary.
Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.

Buffy: Does it ever get easy?
Giles: You mean life?
Buffy: Yeah, does it ever get easy?
Giles: What do you want me to say?
Buffy: Lie to me.
Giles: Yes. It's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true. The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies... and everyone lives happily ever after.
Buffy: Liar.

Willow: Why is she so Evita-like?
Buffy: It's the hair.
Willow: Weighs heavy on the cerebral cortex.

Xander: Giles lived for school. He's still bitter there were only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be more math! This could be mathier."
Xander: Come on. You don't think he ever got restless as a kid?
Buffy: Are you kidding? His diapers were tweed.

Willow: [Nailing crosses around her doors] I'm going to have a hard time explaining this to my dad.
Buffy: You really think this'll bother him?
Willow: Ira Rosenberg's only daughter nailing crucifixes to her bedroom wall? I have to go to Xander's house just to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas every year.
Buffy: Yeah, I see your point.
Willow: Although it is worthwhile just to see Xander do the Snoopy dance.

Buffy: You know, for someone who teaches human behaviour, you might try showing some.
Professor Maggie Walsh: It's not my job to coddle my students.
Buffy: You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job. [walks away]
Professor Maggie Walsh: I like her.
Riley: Really? You don't think she's a little peculiar?

Buffy: I told you. I said end of the world. And you're like, "Pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh."
Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
Willow: No, it can't be. We-- we've done this already.
Giles: It's the end of the world. Everyone dies. It's rather important, really.
Willow: So what do we do?
Buffy: I stop it.

Riley: I never know how you're gonna react to something. That's why I like you so much. You're a mystery. Probably every beautiful girl in the world has some jerk telling her she's a mystery, but... I swear, you really are. There's a lot about you that needs puzzling out. ...I lose you somewhere?
Buffy: Right around "beautiful."
Riley: Say, don't you just love a picnic?

Buffy: It's just... different, you know? A picnic! First of all, daylight. That's kind of a new venue, Buffywise. And the best part -- he said that he would bring all the food, so all I have to do is show up and eat. Those are two things I'm really good at.
Willow: So he's nice?
Buffy: Very, very.
Willow: And there's sparkage?
Buffy: Yeah. He's... have you seen his arms? Those are... good arms to have.

Buffy: I have to get away from that "bad boy" thing. There's no good there.

Buffy: Hello to the pain.
Willow: The pain is not a friend.

Buffy: Oh, look at my poor neck... all bare and tender and exposed. All that blood, just pumping away.
Giles: Oh, please. Spike: Giles, make her stop!
Giles: If those two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand.

Buffy: Cool! Crossbow! Check out these babies. Goodbye stakes, hello flying fatality.

Buffy: I thought a professional demon chaser like yourself would've figured it out by now. I'm the Slayer. Slay-er. Chosen One. She-who-hangs-out-a-lot-in-cemeteries? You're kidding. Ask around. Look it up: "Slayer, comma, the."

Buffy: Cool. You guys can do the brain thing. I'm gonna go to class.
Oz: Which could also be construed as the brain thing.

[Buffy thinks her new college roommate is a demon]
Willow: Toenails?
Buffy: Evil toenails. I took them off the floor last night when she was in the bathroom. She thought I was asleep.
Willow: Good thinking. 'Cause in the middle of the night, those toenails could have attacked you and left little half-moon marks all over your body.