Xander: I can not stress enough how much I don't have plans.

Xander: Are you ready to get down, you funky party weasel?

Xander: Dorkhead? You lash me with your words!

Xander: It's time for me to act like a man... and hide.

Xander: We're right behind you, only further back.

Xander: A black eye heals, but cowardice has an unlimited shelf life.

Xander: Well, every school has 'em. See, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards, and some mean kids.

Xander: So, are we going Bronzing tonight? Or of course, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.

Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm going to take a stand and say they're not good.

Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.

Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.

Xander: Oooh gang, did you hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia. Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever!

Xander: And they say that young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but I've learned to be afraid.

Xander: Calm may work for Locutus of the Borg here, but I'm freaked out, and I intend to stay that way.

Xander: Generally speaking, when scary things get scared, not good.

Xander: Hi, for those of you who just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person.

Xander: I don't get this. The candy is supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton and I don't feel any diff... never mind.

Xander: I wish dating was like slaying. You know, simple, direct, stake through the heart, no muss, no fuss.

Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there, we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party.

Xander: So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him? 'Cause I don't anything much besides "Doritos" and "Chihuahua."

Xander: This is just too much. I mean, yesterday's my life like, uh oh, pop quiz. Today, it's rain of toads.

Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me.

Xander: Well, 'cause you never know if a girl's gonna say yes or if she's gonna laugh in your face and pull out your still-beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel.

Xander: Well, not much goes on in a one-Starbuck's town like Sunnydale.

Xander: Well, yeah. I'd give anything to be able to turn invisible. I wouldn't use my powers to beat people up, but use my powers to protect the girl's locker room.

Xander: Where are you from? The country of white trash?

Xander: It is a statistical impossibility for a sixteen year old girl to unplug a phone.

Xander: Ho Hos are a vital part of my cognitive process.

Cordelia: When did you become Martha Stewart?
Buffy: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto.
Xander: I don't believe she slays, either.
Oz: Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to.

Buffy: I just wanna get my life back, you know? Do normal stuff.
Willow: Like date?
Buffy: Well...
Xander: Aw, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut.
[Buffy punches him on the arm]
Xander: Ow.
Buffy: All right... yes, date, and shop and hang out and go to school, and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do *girlie* stuff.

Buffy: What are you guys talking about?
Oz: Oddly enough, your boyfriend. Again.
Buffy: He's not my boyfriend. Really and truly, he's... I don't know. Are we cool?
Xander: Yeah. Just, seeing the two of you kissing, after everything that happened... I leaned toward the postal. But I trust you.
Cordelia: I don't. Just for the record.

Willow: Maybe we shouldn't be too coupley around Buffy.
Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog?
Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell, or what?

Xander: Willow, did you remember to tape "Biography" last Friday?
Willow: Uh huh.
Buffy: See? I told you... old reliable.
Willow: Oh, thanks.
Buffy: What?
Willow: "Old reliable"? Yeah, there's a sexy nickname.
Buffy: I-I didn't mean it as--
Willow: No, it's fine. I'm "old reliable."
Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
Willow: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog that the guy had to shoot--
Willow: That's Old *Yeller*.
Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.

Willow: So, how did it go?
Xander: On a scale from one to ten? It sucked.

Xander: You're considered somewhat cool.
Oz: I am?
Xander: Is it because you always tend to express yourself in short, non-committal sentences?
Oz: Could be.

Xander: Guess who our commencement speaker is?
Willow: Sigfreid?
Xander: No.
Willow: Roy?
Xander: No.
Willow: One of the tigers?

Anya: Men *like* sports. I'm sure of it.
Xander: Yes. Men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and they enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?

Anya: You're going to die if you stay here.
Xander: I guess I might.
Anya: When I think that something could happen to you, it feels bad inside, like I might vomit.
Xander: Welcome to the world of romance.
Anya: It's horrible! No wonder I used to get so much work.

Anya: I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why are you talking to me?
Anya: [sighs] I don't have a date for the prom.
Xander: Well, gosh, I wonder why not? It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch.
Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me?

Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.

Xander: The mayor is gonna kill us all during graduation.
Cordelia: Oh. Are you gonna go to fifth period?
Xander: I'm thinking I might skip it.
Cordelia: Yeah. Me too.

Xander: Is it too much to ask for a little backup?
Buffy: I'm here for you Xand. I'm supporto gal.

Xander: Isn't that what they called The Slayer?
Willow: Buffy, ohh scary.
Xander: Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts.

Xander: So, Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?
Buffy: Xander!
Xander: I mean, how'd the *laying* go? No, I don't mean that either.

Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it.
Xander: It doesn't say "spare me" by any chance?

Xander: You were looking at my neck.
Angel: What?
Xander: You were checking out my neck. I saw that.
Angel: No, I wasn't.
Xander: Just keep your distance, pal.
Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck.
Xander: I told you to eat before we left.

Xander: Yep, vampires are real. A lot of 'em live in Sunnydale. Willow'll fill you in.
Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.
Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.

Cordelia: So does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm 17. Looking at *linoleum* makes me wanna have sex.

Willow: Xander, wanna stay and help me?
Xander: Are you kidding?
Willow: Yes, it was a joke I made up.

Xander: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with dead boy on this one.
Angel: Could you not call me that?

Buffy: I don't get it. Why would anybody want to make a girl?
Xander: You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around?

Buffy: I'm sorry, it's just been a really weird day.
Xander: Yeah, Buffy died and everything.
Willow: Wow, harsh.

Buffy: Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.
Xander: That actually kinda turns me on.
Buffy: I fear you.

Buffy: You were spying on me? What gives you the right?
Cordelia: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?
Buffy: It was an accident.
Xander: What? You just tripped and fell on his lips?

Cordelia: I don't know. I just thought we were gonna do something, you know... classy.
Xander: What's classier than bowling?
Cordelia: Apart from everything ever?

Drusilla: How do you feel about eternal life?
Xander: We couldn't just start with coffee?

Empada: You are strange.
Xander: Girls always tell me that... right before they run away.

Oz: I can see why you would be upset. Oh, that was my sarcastic voice.
Xander: You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice.
Oz: I've been told that.

Willow : I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Giles: Willow, I think we're a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander: A "bitca"?

Willow : You just don't like him cuz of that time he beat you up everyday for five years.
Xander: Yeah, I'm irrational that way.

Xander: Blackmail is such an ugly word.
Buffy Anne Summers: I didn't say blackmail.
Xander: Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up.

Xander: Does anyone remember when Saturday night meant date night? Cordelia Chase: You sure don't.

Xander: How could you let her go?
Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area on my jaw will attest, I did not "let" her go.

Xander: The band, yeah. They're great. They march.
Willow : Like an army. Except with music, instead of bullets, and usually no one dies.

Xander: When are you guys gonna stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia?
Buffy: I'm sorry, but never.

Cordelia: I can't believe this loser look. I lobbied so hard for the teal. No one ever listens to me. Lone fashionable wolf.
Xander: I like the maroon, has more dignity.
Cordelia: Dignity? You? In relation to clothes? I'm awash in a sea of confusion.

Buffy: Slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.
Xander: Obviously you're not dating Cordelia.

Xander: I don't get your crazy system!
Giles: It's called the alphabet.
Xander: Would ya look at that.

Willow: Personal question?
Xander: Yeah, shoot.
Willow: When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you?
Xander: Willow, how can you -- I mean, that's really bent! She was... grotesque!
Willow: Still dug her, huh?
Xander: I'm sick. I need help.
Willow: Don't I know it.

Jenny: You're here again? You kids really dig the library don't you?
Buffy: We're literary.
Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.

Xander: Giles lived for school. He's still bitter there were only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be more math! This could be mathier."
Xander: Come on. You don't think he ever got restless as a kid?
Buffy: Are you kidding? His diapers were tweed.

Xander: Jeez. You mean Oz just sent for his stuff and didn't even call her? That's pretty harsh.
Anya: I only wish I had my powers back. I'd liquify his entrails for her.
Xander: That's sweet.

Anya: Xander, you haven't been paying any attention to me tonight. Just peddling those processed food bricks. I don't know why.
Xander: Well, let me put it in a way you'll understand. Sell bars, make money. Take Anya nice places, buy pretty things.
Anya: That does make sense.

Xander: What's going on here? People are going all Felicity with their hair.

Xander: How could you say I'm using you?
Anya: You don't care about what I think, you don't ask about my day.
Xander: You really did turn into a real girl, didn't you?
Anya: See? You make jokes during my pain.

Anya: This isn't a relationship. You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.
Xander: Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.
Giles: Please don't.

Giles: I need you to take Spike for a few days.
Xander: What?
Spike: What?
Anya: What?
Spike: I'm not stayin' with him.
Giles: I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone.
Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.

Spike: I'm not having these two shag while I'm tied to a chair three feet away.
Xander: That's not exactly one of my fantasies, either.