"worse than ever"
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hopeless posting for december 10th worse than ever
I was moved back into general population and plunged into abject despair
first thing this morning.
I will not be allowed to return to the kitchen. No reason given. Only
kitchen workers are allowed to EARN single rooms. I went thru HELL originally
waiting for the room I had to leave behind. Others who have gone to other
counties for court have gotten their single rooms back. One guy who got
in a FIGHT in the KITCHEN got his SINGLE CELL back when he came back from
the HOLE. But I'm not allowed in the kitchen. (perhaps because PATSY CAKE
is not on the official menu.)
It's not about the kitchen. It's about the serenity of a single
room. And it's arbitrarily DENIED to me, the one who's been here the LONGEST.
I can BARELY hang on. Thought about DANGLING from the sprinkler pipes near
the ceiling. I have a "kite" in to try to get an ANSWER on this sitauation,
and to try to move to inmate workers rather than stay here. They get the
same goodtime but they live in a big dorm. Sounds worse...but at
least your every MOVEMENT isn't tied in with a cellies. I have a huge HEADACHE.
Got any MATCHES? THIS IS HOW IT HAPPENS.
I can so EASILY end up agitated right into the HOLE...and lose my goodtime
in order to have some sort of PEACE NOW! Makes a lot of SENSE for their
overcrowding problem.
Just got my radio back. Listening to a cheesy Xmas song medley. Picturing a very LARGE square bar back in Canada where I sat uncomfortable in a corner as people karcoked Xmas songs. All over Vancouver there were Christmas trees on cranes high above the city. Misery was everywhere. An obvious father coming out of a store with a guitar for his son. Dad, can I have a Just for the hell of it, too bad something HORRIBLE didn't happen to
Bailin yesterday. I kind of liked her for a judge...she did one of my hearings.
Now my job is BUFFING. Can't you just see "Patsy did it" in feces all the
way down the corridor to "WOMENS"? in what way can things get WORSE?
They keep pressing the "LOSS" button. But nowhere within the voodoo
is a spot where it makes fair SENSE for me to quit writing if THAT is the
cause. And obviously it is. If I were to QUIT today WHEN would I see my
conditions improve to the same level as others? Blurry. Unknown. I have
no REASON to TRUST them.
I am a big ball of radioactive subversion...where is my cabin in the
woods?
Later. Sitting STRANDED at a table in the day room. My cellie is a CROWD
COLLECTOR. There's an enormous PTT of idiocy on chairs pulled right up
in front of my door.
AND SO I have whipped out my recently regained copy of the morgue log
"Art". ( I just whipped it out for a friend after I stole it...no biggie.)
Now I use it as INTERESTING FODDER to block others from concentrating on
my SCOWL. And the Brady page with the fire damage photo. It's the first
time anyone here has SEEN what it was all about: NOTHING.
Also: we ate lunch IN the module today and were told that after the
first of the year we'll eat ALL meals in the pod. So there is ANOTHER aspect
of closing down inmate movement throughout the jail. No more long talkative-walkative
lines heading towards the cafeteria.
I'll TRY to swallow THIS and go on in THE TONE, like AFTER the cell beating, etc. But it's almost IMPOSSIBLE for me to live under 24 hour scrutiny. Soon I'll be describing THE HOLE to you. Hopeless. Absolutely hopeless. But someone just plopped the Dec 14th PEOPLE in front of me, so I'll BITTERLY study it, homeless in the dayroom. current | 1999 | 1998 | colfax diaries |