"i undo my tie as i pull away..."

march 29th I am SUFFERING from nervous embarassment. God, how empty I've been just lately. I should have stripped naked LONG AGO and LATE AT NIGHT and lain myself to freeze on a shelf at Horan McConaty. When will the roulette wheel bring me a day worth living? This is the FEELING...the feeling that FORCES and ENTITLES me to appear to do as I please. But...(so say they one, so say they all) the know it alls, at large, see it as a PLEASURE one seeks in chemicals. Can they come up with a more mocking punishment than that? We KNOW the devastation...who are THEY to DIGG in it? To stand up, to smoke, to drink, sing, and dance...to FAKE it. Why not? I must crawl under my ratty blanket ,sensing all the while that PAULA came in my room during lunch yesterday and removed the extra blanket I use as a pillow. The look...SEE IT...the look on the face of a corpse's family member...when sid family member INSISTS on rolling with you all the way to the Howling Wind Hospital loading dock...and therefore they SEE...they COMPUTE and UNDERSTAND...the signifigance behind the HIDEOUS FACT that YES...there is just another big old bloated carcass alreadey in the car. I have been SOMEWHERE ELSE first and earned a SEPARATE $13.00 removal fee. And look...LOOK...see how  OLD that bloody purge stain on the van must be...it just goes on and on and on and on. And the family member REGRETS seeing how it IS. I undo my tie as I pull away, blithely filling out forms, smoking, and driving all at once. J.T.Colfax [email protected]   current | 1999 | 1998 | colfax diaries