MONTGOMERY, AL--A controversial new bill pending before the
Alabama Legislature
has deeply divided the state along theological lines, sending right-wing
fundamentalist Aesopians into an uproar. HR 1604, if passed, would broaden
nutritional guidelines used in the state's school-lunch program, permitting
a wider variety of fruits and vegetables to be served, including grapes,
the consumption of which is a sin according to Aesopian doctrine.
"The state of Alabama is trying to bully us into submission,"
said Herman Bray, Pastor of the First Universal Church Of Aesop in Huntsville.
"They're trying to rob us of our most cherished beliefs and send our
children the message that grapes are acceptable for eating."
Clutching a worn, leather-bound copy of Aesop's Parables, Bray explained his congregation's strict opposition to the law.
"The Holy Writ of Aesop makes it plain that the fox, in his anger
at the unreachable grapes, cursed the offending fruit and made all grapes
sour forever," Bray said. "It is common sense--and a core belief
of the Church Of Aesop--that this is a directive from Aesop Himself against
grape consumption. Grapes are plainly exposed as a foul, sour-tasting fruit
which dirties both body and soul, and this is a strict tenet of our dietary
code." Alabama Aesopians are threatening to take their children out
of school if the bill becomes law.
"Our beliefs and history have been laughed off by the secular media
as fiction, as 'fables,'" Bray continued. "But the fox-and-the-grapes
incident is not just some fantasy concocted by the Aesopian Right. Our research
has determined that it most likely occurred between 605 and 602 B.C.E. in
the province of Phrygia, was witnessed by a young Aesop and ultimately recorded
in what became the Holy Book of Aesopians. Our church's archaeological and
historical data all confirm the details recorded in the Aesop account."
The Aesopians' claims have provoked strong reaction among academics. "They
think what? That this is a directive not to eat grapes?" asked Darrin
Schmidt, professor of folklore and mythology at NYU. "The whole point
of the story is that the grapes aren't sour at all. I think that's pretty
unambiguous." Bray dismissed Schmidt's comments as "heretical
anti-Aesopian hate speech."
Curtis Milner, president of the Birmingham-based Aesopian Coalition, said
is organization is prepared to go all the way to the Supreme Court if Alabama
passes what he calls "an openly hostile, blatantly anti-Aesopian piece
of legislation." "These lawmakers are attacking our most closely
held beliefs," Milner said. "Not only is it disrespectful; it
is a clear violation of the Constitution of this land."
According to Milner, the beliefs of the Aesopians are simple and direct.
"We honor the courage and the noble sacrifice of Aesop, who gave His
life to educate the world, not backing down even to the day of His execution
by the wicked Athenian despot Peisistratus," Milner said. "That
event, though tragic on the surface, was actually a day of exhilarating
triumph over evil, for as a result of it, the histories painstakingly recorded
by Aesop gained immortality."
"He died for us all," Milner added.
originally from The Onion.