In the beginning was the living room. And the wallpaper was loud; a
spew of offensive coloration that made war with the furniture. And
the spirit of the wife brooded over the deep conflagration of
confluence, pondering how to remake the living room for a time, times,
and half a time.
The wife said, "Let us make this living room in my vision." And she
painted the surface with foundation pigment and saw that it was not
yet done. And it was evening and morning, the first day.
The wife said, "Skim coat the seams, that we may not see them and
thereby cover over the sin of seams." And the husband was made to
skim coat and there he begat many bubbles and tears in the pigmented
papered surface. And he grumbleth, uttering many frustrations.
Seeing these frustrations and hearing of his utterrances the wife
said, "Why is Thy countenance fallen?"
The man replied, "The woman gave me this job to do; and woe is me, for
I am not able to do it; for I am a man of unskilled labor, and dwell
in a house of unskilled people."
The wife said, "Thou must continue in thy work and you will cover over
the sin of seams."
"Nay," said the man, "for as I try to cover over the seams, it
bubbleth and teareth. The walls must first be cleansed of the
perdition of paper."
The wife said, "So shall it be written. So shall it be done."
And the man calleth the son and daughters of the manor to gather in
the room. There he conscripted them to labor at cleansing the walls
of the paper. And each working diligently until the task was
completed. And the wife saw that the job was not yet done. And it was
evening and morning, the second day.
Then the wife said, "Skim coat the walls, now that the sin of seams
and perdition of paper hath been cleansed from the walls." And the
husband began to skim coat the walls and there created many forms of
uncomely shapes from the surface of the drywall compound. And he
uttereth a multitude of frustrations. And it was evening and morning,
the third day.
As the day dawneth on the fourth day, the wife and man did survey
their creation and saw that the job was not yet done. The wife said,
"Skim coat again." And the man began to do as his wife bid him,
though he hid the sin in his heart of hiring a skilled craftsmen to
come and work for mammon.
Yet when the wife was afar off, the man called to a friend and bid him
share in his toil and misery. For it is written: "two are better than
one; because they have good reward for their labor. For if they fail,
the one will blame the other; and verily it is less likely to incur
the wrath of the wife where two or more are gathered to renovate the
home; but woe to him that is alone and falleth; for he hath not
another to help him finish the work."
And together, the man and his friend did skim coat the walls a second
time. As they surveyed the surface, encouragement arose within their
bosoms, and the man hugged his friend for saving him from the pit of
despair. But the wife saw that the job was not yet done. And it was
evening and morning the fourth day.
Then the man said, "Let there be light, that I may examine the surface
of the walls more closely." And he produced a light that burneth hot
and bright. The wife inquired, "What manner of light is this?" And
suddenly, a host of heavenly angels appeared singing, "Hal-o-gen!
Hal-o-gen!" The angels disappeared as quickly as they come,
embarrassed by their clumsy variation on Handel's Messiah.
The man inspected the surface of the walls, noting many pits and
rills. And the wife said, "Make the high places low and fill in the
valleys, that the walls may be smooth to the touch and pleasing to the
eye." And the man did as he was bid, though he kept the sin in his
heart of hiring the skilled craftsmen.
And before the day was done, the sanding of the walls had begun. And
the wife said, "blessed is he who does not sit in the seat of the
scouring, but sandeth lightly in the counsel of the smooth, that he
may create an unblemished living room, without pit or wrinkle." And
the man continued patching and sanding day and night until the walls
were smooth.
The living room was layered thick with dust, which was formed from the
sanding of the walls. The stench of the dust reacheth the nostrils of
the man and his wife, and they did reap a foul and uncomely harvest.
And they uttereth many frustrations. And it was evening and morning,
the fifth day.
The wife declared the sixth day as the Day of Coloration and the
foundation pigment was reapplied before the third hour of the day.
Soon, after the pigmentation had set in and was dried, two other
colors were applied which were a light grey-blue measuring five cubits
high and an off-white border near the ceiling measuring half a cubit.
And the wife said, "Let us part the colors with picture rail moulding
that will circumscribe the room; and the color of the moulding shall
be a dark blue. And I shall add a decorative stencil at a later time
which will be pleasing to all people."
And so the man sawed and drilled, and he mounted the picture rail.
And he grumbleth at the unyielding horse hair plaster which would at
times not receive his trim-head screws. But when the last screw was
placed, there was much rejoicing. And the wife saw that the job was
done, and they both said, "It is good." And it was evening and
morning, the sixth day.
On the seventh day, the man and wife rested from their labors in the
splendor of their new living room. The man turned to his wife and
asked, "Is this the last project of our dwelling for a time?" The
woman replied, "Yea, verily! Well... except for the ceiling in the
kitchen, the door to the room of the secondborn child, the cleansing
of the basement, and several other things not worthy of mentioning at
this time. Do not let it furrow thy brow."
And there were more grumblings and frustrations emanating from the man
as he fled from her presence, weeping bitterly, and gnashing his
teeth.
Updated: May 5, 1998
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