Unless the author/copyright information is provided - I have no idea who the author is and will appreciate any related info.
That was compiled by members of virtual
club of foreigners living in Moscow. For those of you who have
not "been to Russia too long" I added :) by the ones
that are jokes or exaggerations.
1. You don't think things are that bad right now.
2. You have to think twice about throwing away an empty instant
coffee jar.
3. You carry a plastic shopping bag with you "just in case".
4. You say he/she is "on the meeting" (instead of
"at the" or "in the meeting).
5. You answer the phone by saying "allo, allo, allo"
before giving the caller a chance to respond. :)
6. You save table scraps for the cats living in the courtyard.
7. When crossing the street, you sprint.
8. In winter, you choose your route by determining which icicles
are least likely to impale you in the head.
9. You are impressed with the new model Lada or Volga car.
10. You let the telephone ring at least 4 times before you pick
it up because it is probably a miss-connection or electric fault.:)
11. You hear the radio say it is zero degrees outside and you
think it is a nice day for a change.
12. You argue with a taxi driver about a fare of 30 rubles ($2)
to go 2 kilometers in a blizzard.
13. You actually know and CARE whether Spartak won last night.
14. You win a shoving match with an old Babushka for a place in
line and you are proud of it. :)
15. You are pleasantly surprised when there is toilet paper in
the WC at work. :)
16. You look at people's shoes to determine where they are from.
17.You automatically hand in your mace at the door before going
through a metal detector. :)
18. You are pleasantly surprised when there is real wine in the
bottle of Georgian Kinzamaruli you bought in a kiosk.
19. You notice that Flathead's cell phone is smaller than yours
and you're jealous.
20. Your day seems brighter after seeing that goon's Mercedes
broadsides by a pensioner's "Moskvich".
21. You are thrown off guard when the doorman at the nightclub is
happy to see you.
22. Your not sure what to do you when the "GAI" (traffic
cop) only asks you to pay the official fine.
23. You wonder what the tax inspector really wants when she says
everything is in order.
24. You give a 10% tip only if the waiter has been really
exceptional.
25. You plan your vacation around those times of the year when
the hot water is turned off. :)
27. You are envious because your expatriate friend has smaller
door keys than you have.
28. You ask for no ice in your drink.
29. You start using "da" instead of "yes".
30. You go mushroom and berry picking out of necessity instead of
recreation. :)
31. You develop a liking for beets.
32. You begin to socialize with your driver and/or your cleaning
lady.
33. You know what Dostoyevsky's favorite color was.
34. You start to believe that you're a character in a Tolstoi
novel.
35. You know seven people whose favorite novel is "The
Master and Margarita".
36. You change into tapki (slippers) and wash your hands as soon
as you walk into your apartment.
37. You take a trip to Budapest and think you've been to heaven.
38. You start thinking of black bread as a good chaser for vodka.
39. You drink the brine from empty pickle jars.
40. You can read barcodes, and you start shopping for products by
their country of production.
41. You begin to refer to locals as "nashy" (ours).
42. It doesn't seem strange to pay the GAI $2.25 for crossing the
double line while making an illegal U-turn, and $35 for a
microwaved dish of frozen vegetables at a crappy restaurant.
43. Your coffee cups habitually smell of vodka.
44. You know more than 60 Olgas.
46. You wear a wool hat in the sauna.
47. You put the empty bottle of wine on the floor in a restaurant.
:)
48. You are rude to people at the airport for no reason.
49. You have to check your passport for an arrival-in-Russia date.
50. 'Remont', 'pivo'
and 'nalivai' become integral parts of your
vocabulary.
52. You are curious as to when they might start exporting Baltika
beer to your home country.
53. Cigarette smoke becomes 'tolerable'.
54. You think metal doors are a necessity.
56. You no longer feel like going to your "home"
country.
57. You speak to other expats in your native language, but forget
a few of the simplest words and throw in some Russian ones.
58. You remember how many kilos you weigh - but forget how many
pounds.
59. A gallon of gasoline or milk seems like a foreign concept.
60. You no longer miss the foods you grew up with, and pass them
up at foreign-owned supermarkets.
61. You actually enjoy shopping at the rynok, and you think
that Ramstore is the most advanced supermarket you've ever been
to.
62. You think that the Manezh is a real shopping mall.
65. You try pay a traffic fine on the spot and get arrested for
attempted bribery.
66. You look for kvas and kefir in the supermarket, and ask to
buy half a head of cabbage.
67. You see a car behind you with flashing lights and think it's
some politician.
68. You don't feel guilty about not paying on the trolley.
69. You can sleep through a hangover without curtains on your
windows.
70. The elevator aroma seems reassuring somehow.
71. You no longer think washing clothes in the bathtub is an
inconvenience.
75. Your sister writes to you about the best prime rib she's ever
had and you can't remember what it looks or tastes like.
76. The sellers at the rynok
start calling you by your patronymic only.
77. You have had your clothes ruined by all the so-called Western
style dry cleaners and have to start the cycle over again.
78. You bring your own scale and calculator to the market to make
sure the amount you are charged is correct. :)
80. A weekend anywhere in the Baltics qualifies as a trip to the
West.
81. You start buying Russian toilet paper.
83. You look in the mirror to turn away bad luck if you have to
return home to pick something up you've forgotten.
84. You catch yourself whistling indoors and feel guilty.
85. You never smile in public when you're alone.
87. When you save tea bags of Yorkshire Tea brought over
especially from home to use for a second cup later....
88. When you go back to England and notice how frosty,
unemotional,unsentimental and cold the Brits are and long to
return to the warm rush of the Russian dusha.
89. When that strange pungent mix of odorous of stale sawdust,
sweat and grime in the metro makes you feel safe and at home....
91. You are in awe that after 3 days home your shoes are still
clean.
92. You get wildly offended when you are asked to pay at the
coatcheck.
95. (For women) When you dress up in your best outfits for work
and ride the metro.
96. When the word "salad" ceases for you to have
anything to do with lettuce.
97. When mayonnaise becomes your dressing of choice.
99. When you begin paying attention to peoples' floors and can
distinguish the quality of linoleum and/or parquet, and thus
determine social status, taste, and income e.g. embezzled, earned,
pension, unpaid, etc.).
100. You get excited when the dentist smiles and has all his own
teeth.
102. You do all your shopping at kiosks.
103. You judge the strength of your local Mafia clan by the
availability of Planters Cheese Balls. :)
104. You voluntarily take a stroll in the park, Baltica beer in
hand, on a sub-zero day.
105. You laugh at Russian jokes.
106. You actually get these jokes.
107. You actually spend time writing these jokes!
108. When you go back to the "home country" you
continue to "cross" the number 7.
109. You think it's too hot, no matter what season you return.
110. You specify "no gas" when asking for mineral water.
111. Your friends have to keep reminding you that the word is
"restroom", not "toilet".
112. You are dumbstruck when high school or college students wait
on you with a smile, reciting a 90 second spiel on the "specials
of the day" and display complete knowledge of the contents
of each menu item...
113. You tip very little, even for great service.
114. You are surprised to see that the cooks in a Chinese
restaurant are actually Chinese.
Remont - a repair
nalivai - pour! - imperativ verb
rynok - farmers market + flea market
It isn't really about France or
the U.S. State Department - it's about stereotypes.
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France
was compiled from information provided by the U.S. State
Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of
Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Center for
Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that
the French don't know about. It is intended as a
guide for American travelers only and no guarantee of accuracy is
ensured or intended.
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, although not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence or shopping opportunities. France is a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, although many will speak English if shouted at repeatedly.
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed and have no concept of standing patiently in a line. The French people are generally gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are Communists and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier mutual recognition.
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connection France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London. History France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport. Government The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes. Nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a French family.) Cuisine Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. American travelers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn.
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays and: 197 saint's days, 37 National Liberation days, 16 Declaration of Republic days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if He Won the War Single-Handed days, 18 Napoleon Called Back from Exile days and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World Isn't days. Other important holidays include National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12th), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1st) and National Guillotine Day (November 12th.)
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people didn't inhabit it. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany. Remember that no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally we always take our vacation in Miami Beach and you are advised to do the same. Thank you and good luck.