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KEY
RHB=Right-hand bat
LHB=Left-hand bat
RM=Right-hand medium pace
LM=Left-hand medium pace
RF=Right-hand arm fast
LF=Left-hand arm fast
OS=Off spin
LS=Leg spin
F=Fodder
R=Rabbit
WK=Wicket Keeper
RH=Receding hairline
NGOOC=No girlfriend out of choice
NG=No girlfriend
N=Nutter
M=Married
FA=Father
HA=Handy allrounder
EA=Easy listener
IPS=International porn star
BG=Batting God
VIR=Vicious inswinging righthander
GIN=Goes in next-to-last
FPS=Fanatical Pakistan supporter
BME=Big Mac eater
BWT=Bats with tree
EEOB=Ex-England opening bat
GIT=Genuine international-class tailender
PMT=Psychotic-looking male teacher
FV=Falklands veteran
Name: Mano 'Anton'
Caderamanpulle
Nickname: The jerk and cleaner.
Age: 37
Attributes: RHB, RF, M, N, FA.
Amount of sand in pants: Zero.
Highest score: 37
Motto: 'Cricket is just a run scoring and wicket taking situation.'
Sniper hit probability: 65% (This has gone up because Mano
complained about it. You have been warned)
Name: Roy Mani
Nickname: Emporio
Age: 25
Attributes: RHB, RM, F, NG
Amount of sand in pants: Sahara
Highest score: 103*
Motto: 'Cricket is all about making an initial outlay, and then
investing your runs into the correct fund so that they do the
scoring for you.'
Sniper hit probability: 10%
Name: David Morris Cohen
Nickname: AVI, 'Davo', Horace or the Widowmaker
Age: 27
Attributes: HA, WK
Amount of sand in pants: Oasis.
Highest score: 34
Motto: 'Eat Ian Healy, Drink Ian Healy, Sleep Ian Healy.'
Sniper hit probability: 40%
Name: Charles Catton
Nickname: Future OG's Skipper.
Age: 25
Attributes: RH, RHB, LS, F, M.
Amount of sand in pants: Niagra.
Highest score: 37
Motto: 'Always lead from the front, except when you are in the
bedroom.'
Sniper hit probability: 50%
Name: Dan Earle
Nickname: Duke, Pearl Hands, 'Magic'
Age: 24
Attributes:RF, RHB, R, EL, IPS
Amount of sand in pants: Eggtimer
Highest score:3ish
Motto: 'Vorsprung Durch Technik' (as non-members might say)
Sniper hit probability: 25%
Name: Matt Mee
Nickname: Mattuessa, Casanova, Ewan,
the 'Linseed Lothario'
Age: 26
Attributes: OS, F, RM, RHB, NGOOC, BG, FA(probably - waiting for
the test results), IPS
Amount of sand in pants: Viagra - some seasonal dampness
Highest score: 5000
Motto: 'Treat 'em mean..., yup that's it, just treat 'em mean.
Otherwise they hang around all the time'.
Sniper hit probability: 5%
Name: Senober Khan
Nickname: The Wrath, Senobsy.
Age: The same as the hills
Attributes: RM, RHB, F(! - are you sure? C), FPS, BWT
Amount of sand in pants: Camel hoof
Highest score: Unknown
Motto: 'I love Pakistan, especially Inzamam 'Aloo' Ul-Haq.'
Sniper hit probability: 25%
Name: Dave Gray
Nickname: Deano(why?), The Pieman,
Dave McDonald, Skip.
Age: 16
Attributes: RM, RHB, BME
Amount of sand in pants: Amazon
Highest Score: 30-something (The same number as the amount of
women he has slept with).
Motto: 'If cricket balls were Big Macs, I'd probably have caught
one by now.'
Sniper hit probability: 35%
Name: Anthony Dhillon
Nickname: Dhillon the Younger
Age: 10-ish
Attributes: RHF, RHB, NG, VIR, GIN, ex-R.
Amount of sand in pants: Dune
Highest score: 5 (girls behind the bike sheds)
Motto: 'I need a special drink to get me going.'
Sniper hit probability: 10%
Name: Omar Haji
Nickname: Haji the daddy, Skip, Mr
Tradewinds jnr, Onions.
Age: Carbon dating required (Omar would be glad of any kind of
dating).
Attributes: WK, FA, NG.
Amount of sand in pants: What about the rest of him?
Highest score: 7* (1000 balls)
Motto: Either 'I'll need 2 slips, a mid-wicket, mid-on, mid-off
and a backstop', or 'Last one into the showers is the new Sat 3rds
keeper!'
Sniper hit probability: 98%
Name: Ian Bawn
Nicknames: Beefy, Spawn (of the devil), Penguin
Age: 27
Attributes: RHB, RM, NG, F, GIT, PMT
Amount of sand in pants: Blackpool
Highest score: 76ish
Motto: 'Give me a boy of seven and I'll cowwupt him for life.'
Sniper hit probability: 45%
Name: Leigh Baker
Nicknames: Bakerleigh, Mr
Consistency, 'Master'.
Age: Count the rings (that he's seen)
Attributes: NG, RHB.
Amount of sand in pants: Are you sure that's sand?
Highest score: 106* (scored in the field opposite his house with
only a dog as a fielder, a branch as a bat and an Arielette as a
ball)
Motto: 'Market your wicket as a product that the bowler (the
consumer) wishes to buy. Then advertise your middle stump every
weekend by allowing the consumer to knock over the product for a
minimal run outlay.'
Sniper hit probability: 100%
Name: Stuart Harris
Nickname: 'Bomber', Delaligio (is
this supposed to be Dallaglio?).
Age: The same as his bicep girth.
Attributes: RHF, F, NG, RHB.
Amount of sand in pants: I cannot tell you due to issues of
national security. However should the occasion arise, I can tell
you that Her Majesty's Government and its agents will not be
found wanting.
Highest score: Unknown
Motto: 'A spoonful of CreatineTM helps the
medicine go down.'
Sniper hit probability: 35%
Name: Ian Clarke
Nickname: Nick Knight
Age: 28ish
Attributes: RHB, EEOB.
Amount of sand in pants: Beach (when on tour)
Highest score: 86 (I showed you all)
Motto: 'With consistent high scores and my new bat sponsorship, I
will reclaim my England place.'
Sniper hit probability: 35%
Name: Dave Zimmerling
Nickname: Zimmerlingadingdong
Age:38ish
Attributes: RHB, RB, R, FA, M, N, FV.
Amount of sand in pants: No sand, no pants, only my bergen, my
knife and 10 Argies between me and Stanley.
Highest score: 50ish
Motto: 'Let me finish them off with my blade, lads.'
Sniper hit probability: 25%