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The mind can get really restless after time. Many people say that he/she can last for a certain amount of days without sleep, however this can cause damage to his/her mind. It is never good when a person has to sacrifice his/her sleep to do anything. It is also never good when the person has to sacrifice his/her own opinions because of the lack of sleep that he/she has had. Due to the lack of sleep, the person's mind is unable to operate properly. This can cause bad judgments in which will cause bad decisions to be made.
It is always good to get as much sleep as possible, so that you are able to make the best judgments as possible. This in turn will make any decisions that you do be as true and accurate as possible. You will always enjoy knowing that you chose the right decision, with as clear mind as you had. When a person has the extra sleep necessary to clear his/her mind, the questions that people ask the most, come up a lot. During the New Years Eve/Day celebrations the favorite ones that people will ask are "are you happy with your life", "are you doing what is best for you in life", and you cannot forget "you can do so much better than you are right now, can't you". Some of these questions can get annoying when you have answered them too many times in the same night. The question that people ask after New Years Day is "what is this year's resolution", which will be asked by a multiple of people without question. The answer to this question is more difficult for some people, especially myself, because I actually think of ones that I will actually do or at least give it one hell of a try.
For the question about the New Year's Resolution, last year was to come out of the depressed state that I had been in for the last 10-15 years. I have accomplished this to the best of my abilities so far, and plan to continue it through this year. The answer for this year's New Year's Resolution, is for me to try to be a better person than I currently am. This involves me coming further out of the depressed state than what I am in currently. Although I am currently in a "regret" phase, I will work through it somehow. I plan on to open up my mind to all the emotions, especially the ones I fear to feel. This will give me the true outlook on life, and hopefully make it easier to talk/deal with other people.
The answer to the questions above, that question life, I have been considering those questions the most. I was asked every one of those questions throughout the Christmas/New Years break that we all experienced. Most of the people were friends, however the rest were family. For the ones that were family that asked those questions, I gave them a "snappy" reply. For the ones that were friends that asked those questions, I told them that I was happy with my life as it is currently. It would seem like I replied in the proper manner for those people, however I feel I wasn't really truthful. I personally do not think of life, in general, that much. I also do not allow most people to know what exactly I think about things like that either. I am a very private person that way, which is rather funny when you look at this site.
For most of the day, yesterday, I thought about the questions about "life" that were asked to me. To be sure that I wouldn't be disturbed while I thought about the questions, I took my roller-blades for a spin. Normally if I was going to go for a spin on my roller-blades I would ask someone specific to come with me, however I had two things that were against me for that yesterday. One thing was that I figured that he/she was at work (but didn't call to find out), and the other thing was that I needed to be alone this time. I would normally talk to this person about anything, however this was the one of those times that I needed to be alone. I was actually gone for approximately 4-5 hours yesterday. The funny part is that no one wondered where I was because everyone knew I would come back after a while. Everyone knew that I would be back before dark and also knew I wouldn't be that far where I only took the roller-blades out.
I thought about my life for the full 4-5 hours and did realize that I have severely screwed my life up, as it stands. It is always difficult for a person to emit to, however I just did. It is painful for me to say that I have done this, and it is especially painful for me to say that I don't know if I can fix my life. I am working in the type of environment that I enjoy; I am working with the public. The problem with my life is my personal life, that is what I see being screwed up. I also do not see any type of "quick fix" to it any time soon. I have begun to create newer friendships and also to jump-start some of my past friendships, to help me seem more normal. The problem is that I do not see a positive side to these friendships yet. I am happier with some of the friendships however I am being brought down because of how I treated other people in the past. The sadness that has been created from remembering how I mistreated people, and how I forced people to stay away from me has caused me to realize that my life is worthless currently.
I have friends that I care for as if he/she was family, and I have friends that I care for a bit more than that. I also have friends that I won't be that close to because of the lack of time that I am able to be around them. It has been said to me not be get any emotional attachments to anyone because the emotional attachments are not good for me, however I cannot help to have an emotional attachment to any of my friends. My friends are a part of who I am, so I will always have an emotional attachment to my friends because of that simple fact. When you trust a person enough to be your friend you will have an emotional attachment to him/her because of the friendship that has blossomed between you and the other person. Some people you will have a stronger emotional attachment to than others because of how much you trust the people with whatever information about yourself you tell the person.
I only allow a very few number of people to know crucial details about myself. For example this site, there is only one person that knows that I am connected to this site. I only trust him/her with this information because I can see the good that the person has and the innocence that is still there, no matter how much the world tries to change him/her. I do not trust my family with this information because I know that my family would try to stop me. My family would try to stop me because of the embarrassment that they would feel due to the connection of this site to them. I know that families are supposed to be supportive upon any positive decision that you do for yourself, however when it comes to something like this site everyone sees the worst. I know because of the emails that I receive, I have recognized a couple of the email addresses and I know what my family thinks about this site. In saying that, let's see how many of you think that I am part of your family because it should make some of you to think about what you have said to me. You should consider whether you have just told a family member some of that type of language. The funny part is that I will not tell any of you whom I am just to see you squirm, trying to figure it out.
Yesterday I did a lot of thinking about my life. It is amazing how much you will think about when you roller-blade as far as I did. It is also amazing how much you don't curse when you are thinking about something important, when you are going up a steep hill. For the things that I thought about dealing with my life, there will some friends that I will talk to less and less for his/her actions towards me in this past year. There are also some family members that I will be staying away from (not talking to) for as long as possible for his/her actions. I am just one of those people that you can do bad things to for only so long, until I decide that enough is enough. I am also the type of person that will follow my instincts about anyone whether he/she is family or not. As you all can tell I did a lot of thinking during the 4-5 hours I was out on the roller-blades.
So for the questions that are above, my answers are the following: yes I am happy with what my life currently is however I am not happy about how I got here, I am doing what I enjoy with my life, and of course "go to hell". Those people that believe that I am beneath the standard that he/she believes is necessary for me can "go to hell". Although I knew the third answer before my roller-blade trip, I had to think of the most delicate (less swearing) way to say it. The other two answers I had to think about, so I made sure that I could think about them without being "snappy" with someone (for no good reason).
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