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The mind can be useful in many ways. It can be useless in the same number of ways too. The mind is a useful resource of information if it is used properly. The imagination part of the mind is the part that can cause the difference between useful/useless amount of information that the mind uses.
The mind is the part of any given person that causes the person to do good/bad things. If the mind is using useless information, the person has a better chance to do bad things to do to themselves or others. If the mind uses the good/useful information, the person has a better chance to do good things in life.
The main cause for people to become criminals is the fact that the mind is processing more useless information than useful information. The useful information will most likely be used to commit the crimes. This will happen when the mind is overrun by the useless information and is unable to realize that the crimes are wrong. When this happens the person is able to do anything, which makes the person extremely dangerous.
The mind is also the most dangerous thing that anyone can have. It is more dangerous than any nuclear explosive just for the simple fact that it was a person's mind that created the nuclear explosive. The mind can & will create things for any given person. If the person uses the information of anything dealing with nuclear stuff, improperly, the person's mind becomes more dangerous than the person who created the nuclear technology. People like this are known as "mad scientists" and/or "terrorists".
The mind is a great resource of "unlimited" information. The use of the information is the dangerous part, depending on how the mind will use it. It can be used to create things, or it can be used to destroy things. The person that uses the information will be the one that determines the true nature of the information. The mind has an "unlimited" amount of information because the mind will find multiple ways to "refine" the information available. Whether the mind will go for the useful ways or the dangerous ways is the catch about how the person will use the information.
The exhaustion of the mind happens when a person writes down all that they can think of, and in return his/her mind seems to be empty. For some people it may take a lot to empty their mind on paper, and for others it doesn't take anything more than a couple of paragraphs
The emptiness that may occur when applying thoughts to paper may not seem to happen when it is. To determine how much a person can do before they are empty, the person must attempt to put something on paper. Once the thought is on paper, the person should see how much he/she can say on that thought and make it as long as possible. This will give the person the opportunity to have more room in their mind for other thoughts.
The mind will not lose the thoughts that are on the paper, however it will move the thoughts to another part of the brain. This will allow other thoughts come to the surface that needs to be there. When the thoughts on the paper move to another spot, the brain is able to process the thoughts a little quicker and is able to change from thought to thought more easily. It is better to be able to go from mood to mood, rather than being in the same mood. A person will change moods when the thought of the person changes. If the thoughts do not change, then the mood when not change.
The thoughts that are on paper, when moved to a new section of the mind, will make room for more important thoughts. The important thoughts may include test information (studying) and dates & times. To make room for those things is good, so in that sense it is good to empty the mind enough to make the mind exhausted. The more that people are able to do this, the more that people will have more space in his/her mind for the other stuff in life.
To best accomplish the ability to empty the mind by exhaustion would be to start getting rid of the unnecessary thoughts. What is funny is that when the thoughts are on paper, the more the thoughts make sense, when you read them over. You will see that even though you wrote a thought that had no sense to it, you have made sense of it when it went on paper.
Everyone's mind will wander from time to time. It will do this especially when you are bored/tired. You will start to think about things that are in your life, whether they matter to you or not. When you get older, you will also start to do this too. It is difficult to stop your mind from wandering. The easiest way is to focus on a subject/topic and stay with it. It could be something to think about, or an action you need to do. It is required for you to be concentrating on something to make sure your mind is unable to wander.
It is unfortunate that the mind will wander when you are bored/tired. It is unfortunate because you have a higher possibility to fall asleep when your mind is wandering than when you are concentrating on something. The reason you will fall asleep is because you will be thinking about a multiple of things, which can tire you more. When your mind wanders, it will cause you to think about multiple things at the same time. Such as if you will think about how boring the day is, what you will be doing tomorrow, what you want for Christmas, what you are doing for this weekend, etc. Although everyone thinks about these things once in a while; however when a person's mind wanders it will go onto each of these things a lot more. In other words a wandering mind will allow you to think about this weekend for about a minute then it will suddenly change to what's going on tomorrow within a couple of minutes of the first topic. This will cause the mind to be concentrating on too much at once. It causes you to use up more energy than would you normally would, which causes you to fall asleep.
This can happen during a car ride. If the driver gets bored, his/her mind will start to wander. When driving, this can be deadly. The reason that most people want to have passengers is so his/her mind will not wander when he/she is driving. So having passengers gives the drivers something else to concentrate on, especially if the passenger wants to talk about something. It gives a more sense of security to the driver to have a passenger there, especially on long trips. For a driver like myself, it may be good for me to have a passenger however it's not to for the same reason. It is to slow my driving down. If I am by myself driving I will travel at high speeds, however if I have a passenger that is not comfortable with the high speeds I will slow down.
The mind can be a dangerous thing at times. If a person just watch a movie that had a lot of car chases in it and a person goes for a drive directly afterwards, the mind will have a problem identifying the images it is seeing. Where the mind didn't have enough time to realize that the movie is over, and it is now operating a vehicle, the mind will believe it is still watching the movie. This may cause the mind to disregard things like the speed limit because it doesn't understand that it isn't a movie any more. To help prevent this, the driver needs to go into a really lit-up room. This will cause the eyes of the person to refocus, and the mind of the person to reset itself. The bright lights will do this because they will "snap" the mind out of the "trans" that it was in for the movie. To equal the experience would be to shine a flashlight into a person's eyes for approximately 2 minutes. It will be a little "blinding" however it will reset the mind properly.
When a person is at work, bored out of his/her mind, the mind of the person will wander; there is nothing to stop that from happening. When a person is bored, the mind will wander. It is best to keep a certain amount of control of the mind when it starts to wander. A person can do some multi-tasking to help this along. It is possible to still be bored and be doing multiple things at the same time. For example a person could be typing, painting, and cleaning. Doing these 3 things and still being bored, however doing these things is also giving the mind a less of a chance to wandering because you are actually focusing your mind on those things.
The mind can be just as destructive as anything else in the world. This is true because the imagination that the mind has can bed used in good ways and bad ways. When the mind uses your imagination, it can cause you to not be able to tell what is real and what isn't, especially if you use your imagination a lot. A person can become dependent on his/her imagination. It is usually when a person is classified as nuts (crazy). When his/her imagination seems more real than real-life, other people tend to fear the person. People fear this person because this person cannot be held liable for any wrong doings that he/she may do, due to the imbalance in his/her mind. To use the imagination is a good thing; it shows creativity in the person, however there are limits to everything. The catch is to know your limits without crossing over them.
The mind is a very tricky thing. It has the ability to have a person to act good or bad. It also has the ability to make a person's actions seem to be sane or insane. The mind will change its look on any situation depending on the experiences that the person has experienced. Depending on how much emotion that the person feels, the "frame of mind" of the person will change accordingly.
When the mind feels more emotions than normal, the mind has a greater difficulty to respond properly. If a person has blocked emotions, as I have, and experience something unexpected, the mind has problems filtering everything. The mind is unable to filter the emotions from true thoughts, so the mind will start to wander on different subjects. There is also a high chance that the mind will concentrate on subjects that you normally wouldn't consider. An example of this is "life in general". When the mind is over-thrown by emotions that it is not use to having around, the mind will concentrate on "life in general" to whatever extent that the emotions choose to be at.
In my case, I have started to concentrate on things like "growing up", "settling down", "moving on in life", and "time to end it all". These things have been surfacing a lot in the past few days. I also cannot dismiss these thoughts as easily as I have in the past. This has also started to tire me out more. My mind is unable to control the thought patterns as it use to. This is all because I met the new member of the family, which caused all these thoughts/emotions to surface. It is a little unnerving to have a drastic change in my mind from that one experience. It seems to have triggered a need to have a family. That is something that my mind had dismissed a long time ago, however it has now resurfaced. Where my mind is unable to recover from this, I would hate to experience what would happen if I ever experienced the emotion of love.
To have my mind in this type of chaos is a sign that I may never be prepared for the emotion of love. My emotional state is too fragile to allow such a power emotion to exist within my mind. With the little control I have now of my mind, having the emotion of love may have higher consequences. The higher consequences may cause my mind to have an overload and be forced to shutdown (nervous breakdown). This is something I cannot let happen; however it is something that I can see in my near future regardless. I know I am not able to stop the emotion of love, which is why I fear that emotion so much. The control that I currently have between my emotions dealing with my mind is a little shaken due to the positive feelings I felt when seeing my new relative.
I am unable to control myself that well currently. Some forms of emotion have been seen by other people, which I haven't been ready to express in a very long time. Currently my mind is in a mess and I have been considering questions that I never really thought about. One such question is the "girlfriend" question. I have been shielding myself from that territory because I know the love emotion is involved in that territory. I have made multiple excuses for why I haven't gotten a girlfriend yet, but the truth behind everyone of the excuses is the simple fact that my mind/emotional state are not prepared enough to handle a girlfriend. In other words, I fear what may happen if I attempt having a girlfriend.
For anyone that knows me, they know that I care for my friends as if they were family. I care for them so much that I hide who I really am from them, so that I can believe that I am protecting myself from them. I say this because if any of my friends (especially my oldest friends) knew that I have created a website like this one, that they would kill me. Doing something like this is not part of the character that my friends know. For that fact I have yet to name any names on this site that can help any of you to know who I am. It is comfortable for me to know that I can be this open and no one know who I am. Although it is an illusion for my mind to be comfortable with this, I still do it because I feel I need to.
There is only one person I have allowed to know that this site is connected to me. I have only let this one friend know because I been truth open with this person so that he/she can judge me properly. This friendship I seem to cherish the most because I feel a strong connection with this person. It may be because I have been truly open with this person, or it could be something more than that. For me cherish a friendship this much is a true part of who I am. I cherish all my friendships because each one will make you stronger due to the experiences that you will share together.
I spend my free time with my friends, as much as possible. I do this because it stops me from feeling alone. When I start feeling alone, my mind tends to get me thinking about things I don't want to think about. I spend a lot of time with the friend that I am most open to. I have found that he/she will ask me questions that other people always ask me, however I am able to give him/her a better straight answer than I do with other people. It is unfortunate in a way that I can only trust certain people, but trust is something that needs to be earned. No matter how long I have had some other friends, I still don't trust them enough to see how my mind works. I guess my mind will never trust certain people unless it senses the necessary "goodness" that it trusts. For all of my friends, there is only one that I can sense this type of "goodness", and that is why he/she is the only one that knows I am connected to this website. There are many explanations why I trust this person the most, however the truth is that I sense the "goodness" in his/her heart. This is why my trust in him/her is so strong.
With Christmas coming closer, the happiness that I see from other people has me wonder about myself. This will be the first Christmas that I allow myself to experience emotions for approximately 10 years. I have been wondering how I will be with all this emotion around, where I am not use to it and do not know how to react to it. I also fear that my reactions to some presents received may be the wrong one where in the past it was the same reaction regardless if it was a good present or not. You could say that this experience I am starting to fear because I don't want to have people think that I don't like his/her gifts.
Lately I have been looking back upon the last 10 years. I have begun to regret what I have done with my life especially how I cut myself off from everyone that was around me. I wouldn't let anyone close to me, and I have just realized how bad that really was. I cut everyone off from me so that I couldn't get hurt, however it would seem that it hurt me in a different way after all. In removing myself from everyone else, I caused myself to lead a very lonely life. I don't know if it is the emotions that I have been feeling lately or the emotions that I see from others dealing with this time of the year, but I do see how screwed up my thinking was in the past. It is unfortunate that it took this long for me to realize what I had did was wrong.
I know that during Christmas time you are supposed to feel a great amount of happiness. I see this happiness in all of my family/friends and other people, however I do not feel this happiness. All I can feel is sadness because of the fact that I have wasted the last 10 years trying to protect myself from others. It isn't supposed to matter what other people think of you, however in my case I have always cared one way or the other. To be able to not care what others thought about me, I saw the only way to do that would be to repress (block) my emotions enough that I could just laugh when people tried to tease me. I see now that it was wrong, not sure how to get past this sadness I feel, but know that this would be the time of the year to get passed it.
When a person goes from one school to another (graduates to another), you seem to take all the memories from the previous school and form them into 1 big blur. This is especially true when you leave elementary school to go into high school. This is done because you are suppose to be more mature now, and you need the extra room in your mind to experience new things and remember them more. This is sort of taking a bunch of files on your hard drive (in your computer), zipping them, and then deleting the original files. This analogy is true for everyone because it allows you to have extra room for new things, may not be smart but is life. I have begun to realize that it takes a lot longer to remember something when you have stored it away for a very long time. Key events in your life seem to criss-cross and not come to you as the complete truth, which I realized this past weekend. I tried to remember a beating I received and remembered the wrong reason (person I stood up for) behind the beating, however I remembered everything else because of the injuries that came from it.
I have always been the type of person that likes having fun. I haven't gone into the illegal substances for this fun because that is fake-fun. Where I have cut so many people off in my life, from myself, I realize that the fun I have had in the past was not as fun as I had thought it was. I still have some of that fun, especially where I can still drive, however I have begun to realize that the time of fun I have when driving needs to stop soon. I have begun to realize that after a certain age, exceeding the speed limit is not really fun it is more like suicide. After a certain age it becomes necessary to drive and if you continue to exceed the speed limit, the suicide kicks in when you lose your license for that same reason. I know that my driving is coming close to be removed from me, especially if I ever get caught by the police at the high speeds I have been going. The police can only seem to get me when I am at the end of a pack of cars, and I am hugging the centerline to pass them more quickly. The catch for me is to have my mind and foot communicate together to slow the car down. If I lose my license, it is just like suicide because I have required driving as part of my life. I wouldn't be able to go to work, home, shop, etc. if I lost my license for any amount of time.
This Christmas will be one to remember for me. This Christmas will be the first one in approximately 10 years that I am not in a depressed state of mind, and hopefully I do not go back into it. Although I am sad when I look back upon the years of rejecting emotion and keeping my friends/family at a distance, I am not in the depressed state that I once was in. I can also say that this will be the first Christmas that I am physically active in for a while because I will be doing more things, other than pushing snow. This Christmas seems to be a "Green Christmas" just as last year started off being, however this Christmas seems to be the one that will stay green unless Mother-Nature decides to change that all of a sudden.
Hopefully those of you that read these thoughts, and are not disrespectful towards me, can understand what I have said today. Although it may seem like that I am regressing into what I once was in the past, I am not actually do that. I am experiencing the negative side of emotions, namely the emotion that deals with regret. I knew that this day was coming, and I know that it will take time to get through it. The positive side about the emotion of regret is that it helps you see what stupid things that you do in life. It helps you see what not to do, and tries to help you learn from it.
The mind can get really restless after time. Many people say that he/she can last for a certain amount of days without sleep, however this can cause damage to his/her mind. It is never good when a person has to sacrifice his/her sleep to do anything. It is also never good when the person has to sacrifice his/her own opinions because of the lack of sleep that he/she has had. Due to the lack of sleep, the person's mind is unable to operate properly. This can cause bad judgments in which will cause bad decisions to be made.
It is always good to get as much sleep as possible, so that you are able to make the best judgments as possible. This in turn will make any decisions that you do be as true and accurate as possible. You will always enjoy knowing that you chose the right decision, with as clear mind as you had. When a person has the extra sleep necessary to clear his/her mind, the questions that people ask the most, come up a lot. During the New Years Eve/Day celebrations the favorite ones that people will ask are "are you happy with your life", "are you doing what is best for you in life", and you cannot forget "you can do so much better than you are right now, can't you". Some of these questions can get annoying when you have answered them too many times in the same night. The question that people ask after New Years Day is "what is this year's resolution", which will be asked by a multiple of people without question. The answer to this question is more difficult for some people, especially myself, because I actually think of ones that I will actually do or at least give it one hell of a try.
For the question about the New Year's Resolution, last year was to come out of the depressed state that I had been in for the last 10-15 years. I have accomplished this to the best of my abilities so far, and plan to continue it through this year. The answer for this year's New Year's Resolution, is for me to try to be a better person than I currently am. This involves me coming further out of the depressed state than what I am in currently. Although I am currently in a "regret" phase, I will work through it somehow. I plan on to open up my mind to all the emotions, especially the ones I fear to feel. This will give me the true outlook on life, and hopefully make it easier to talk/deal with other people.
The answer to the questions above, that question life, I have been considering those questions the most. I was asked every one of those questions throughout the Christmas/New Years break that we all experienced. Most of the people were friends, however the rest were family. For the ones that were family that asked those questions, I gave them a "snappy" reply. For the ones that were friends that asked those questions, I told them that I was happy with my life as it is currently. It would seem like I replied in the proper manner for those people, however I feel I wasn't really truthful. I personally do not think of life, in general, that much. I also do not allow most people to know what exactly I think about things like that either. I am a very private person that way, which is rather funny when you look at this site.
For most of the day, yesterday, I thought about the questions about "life" that were asked to me. To be sure that I wouldn't be disturbed while I thought about the questions, I took my roller-blades for a spin. Normally if I was going to go for a spin on my roller-blades I would ask someone specific to come with me, however I had two things that were against me for that yesterday. One thing was that I figured that he/she was at work (but didn't call to find out), and the other thing was that I needed to be alone this time. I would normally talk to this person about anything, however this was the one of those times that I needed to be alone. I was actually gone for approximately 4-5 hours yesterday. The funny part is that no one wondered where I was because everyone knew I would come back after a while. Everyone knew that I would be back before dark and also knew I wouldn't be that far where I only took the roller-blades out.
I thought about my life for the full 4-5 hours and did realize that I have severely screwed my life up, as it stands. It is always difficult for a person to emit to, however I just did. It is painful for me to say that I have done this, and it is especially painful for me to say that I don't know if I can fix my life. I am working in the type of environment that I enjoy; I am working with the public. The problem with my life is my personal life, that is what I see being screwed up. I also do not see any type of "quick fix" to it any time soon. I have begun to create newer friendships and also to jump-start some of my past friendships, to help me seem more normal. The problem is that I do not see a positive side to these friendships yet. I am happier with some of the friendships however I am being brought down because of how I treated other people in the past. The sadness that has been created from remembering how I mistreated people, and how I forced people to stay away from me has caused me to realize that my life is worthless currently.
I have friends that I care for as if he/she was family, and I have friends that I care for a bit more than that. I also have friends that I won't be that close to because of the lack of time that I am able to be around them. It has been said to me not be get any emotional attachments to anyone because the emotional attachments are not good for me, however I cannot help to have an emotional attachment to any of my friends. My friends are a part of who I am, so I will always have an emotional attachment to my friends because of that simple fact. When you trust a person enough to be your friend you will have an emotional attachment to him/her because of the friendship that has blossomed between you and the other person. Some people you will have a stronger emotional attachment to than others because of how much you trust the people with whatever information about yourself you tell the person.
I only allow a very few number of people to know crucial details about myself. For example this site, there is only one person that knows that I am connected to this site. I only trust him/her with this information because I can see the good that the person has and the innocence that is still there, no matter how much the world tries to change him/her. I do not trust my family with this information because I know that my family would try to stop me. My family would try to stop me because of the embarrassment that they would feel due to the connection of this site to them. I know that families are supposed to be supportive upon any positive decision that you do for yourself, however when it comes to something like this site everyone sees the worst. I know because of the emails that I receive, I have recognized a couple of the email addresses and I know what my family thinks about this site. In saying that, let's see how many of you think that I am part of your family because it should make some of you to think about what you have said to me. You should consider whether you have just told a family member some of that type of language. The funny part is that I will not tell any of you whom I am just to see you squirm, trying to figure it out.
Yesterday I did a lot of thinking about my life. It is amazing how much you will think about when you roller-blade as far as I did. It is also amazing how much you don't curse when you are thinking about something important, when you are going up a steep hill. For the things that I thought about dealing with my life, there will some friends that I will talk to less and less for his/her actions towards me in this past year. There are also some family members that I will be staying away from (not talking to) for as long as possible for his/her actions. I am just one of those people that you can do bad things to for only so long, until I decide that enough is enough. I am also the type of person that will follow my instincts about anyone whether he/she is family or not. As you all can tell I did a lot of thinking during the 4-5 hours I was out on the roller-blades.
So for the questions that are above, my answers are the following: yes I am happy with what my life currently is however I am not happy about how I got here, I am doing what I enjoy with my life, and of course "go to hell". Those people that believe that I am beneath the standard that he/she believes is necessary for me can "go to hell". Although I knew the third answer before my roller-blade trip, I had to think of the most delicate (less swearing) way to say it. The other two answers I had to think about, so I made sure that I could think about them without being "snappy" with someone (for no good reason).
A person's mind can be one of the most dangerous things that exist in the world today. A person's mind can be either good or bad, depending on the person. To determine which way that the mind of a person is will depend on the attitude of the person. A person that you consider to be normal can turn into an unbalanced mind due to an unexpected serious of events. A person that you would consider to be insane ("not right") can be one of the nicest people in the world, just a little strange at times.
I have been told that I am one of the more levelheaded people in the world today, however due to recent events I don't believe that people can say that about me now. I have recently taken a deeper look into my past, and doing this has made my mind become unstable. My mind is better described as "Pandora's Box" due to how my mind is reacting to what part of my past I am confronting. Those that know me never could have seen this coming because I seem to be a levelheaded person that looks upon life as pure as anyone can. This shows that a person's past can be more dangerous than what anyone can imagine.
In the past I have said that I was depressed for a long time, and now I have begun to come out of that state of depression. The reasons behind me going into that depressed state haven't been truly clear because I didn't accept the reasons myself. Where it is technically unclear how long I was depressed for because sometimes I will say 10 years and others I will say up to 15 years. I personally do not know when I put myself in that depressed state; I just know that 10 years ago was when the "final nail in the coffin" was put in. To initially know when I was preparing myself for the "shutdown of emotions" cannot be narrowed down because of my past.
Where I have been trying to come out of the depressed state as far as possible, it was recently realized I had to open "Pandora's Box" to confront the part of my past that I didn't know how to handle. Thanks to recent events I have been able to open "Pandora's Box" and I am extremely fearful of the results of doing such a thing. I also believed that coming out of the depressed state, I could do without confronting my past, and so that past could just die off. I was wrong and will be confused for a long time to come due to this. I am not sure how to feel or look at myself now that "Pandora's Box" has been opened, however I am a little happy that it has finally been opened. To conquer my past and confront the initial reasoning behind the depressed state, will help me get through the depressed state quicker (in theory).
My mind ("Pandora's Box") is more dangerous currently than it ever was in the past. I am experiencing memories that have been "blocked out" for a long time and am feeling the emotions that can tear a person apart. I was a victim of something that lasted longer than what it should have. Something like this should have never happened to me and as a result I started to shutdown my emotions to protect myself from any ridicule that might have come up. The main reason behind my shutdown was because I cherished a friendship more than what I did myself. The more I remember about the experience, the more that I "mentally beat myself up" just as all victims of this type of act does.
To make it more clearly for any of you to understand, I was abused in the past. In normal cases of abuse it would be a family member, however in my case it was a close friend that I trusted. I was told that it was normal for this to happen; however after several years past I found out differently. The abuse stopped after I realize how bad it really was, however no one else knew that it happened. I was in a relationship before the abuse started, and I got into a relationship when the abuse stopped. When the last relationship went "south", I wasn't prepared for the emotional result of the failed relationship. Where the relationship ended poorly, I went directly into a depressed state, which I was close to being in before that relationship. At the time I felt that I couldn't deal with all the negative emotions I was feeling at the time, so I did a "shutdown" which through me directly into a depressed state.
I have always been a defensive person; I have rarely taken the offensive on anything. When the last relationship ended I saw that the only thing I could do, as a defensive person would, would be to "shutdown" my emotional state. This was the only move I could see without leaving myself open for attacks from anyone of the public (society). I saw that with the ending of the abuse (with the negative emotions/hurt I felt about that) and the ending of that relationship (and the negative emotions/hurt I felt about that), that people would have a "field day" with me. To protect myself from that, my depressed state was finalized. God could only tell you where I would be today or what I would be doing today if I wouldn't have gone into my depressed state when I did. I believe that I would be in worse shape than what I am now, however God can only tell you that.
The mind is a mysterious thing. It has the power to be a great thing, or an extremely destructive thing. The mind is not truly one way or the other because everyone is different. There are some people that use his/her mind to destroy other people, or at least cause enough damage towards another person to hurt him/her. There are other people that use his/her mind to help himself/herself, and may help other people in the process. There are also a very few that fear his/her own mind and try to protect others from his/her mind. Each of these types of people exists in the world, however I have yet to meet someone that is willing to protect others from his/her own mind.
I treat my mind more like the third option that is listed above. As I have said I have yet to meet someone that is willing to protect others from his/her own mind, although my mind is that way. I have in the past chosen to withdrawal thoughts, etc. to protect other people. Proof of this would be to put myself into a depressed state. In putting myself into a depressed state I protected everyone in my area (home county) the outrage of my past (abuse). It is unfortunate that something like that was hidden from society, however it was necessary to cause minimum pain & suffering. I made people believe that the failed relationship, which I sent a person to the hospital over, was the primary reason for the depression. I have always been a defensive person, never offensive, and that type of anger was more offensive than anything else. The anger I felt on that day caught me off guard. To protect other people from that type of anger, I decided to do the full emotional shutdown; better known as my depression.
With the abuse as part of my past, I have been trying to understand how the abuse lasted as long as it did. I know that my subconscious began to protect me throughout the years that the abuse was happening. The proof of this is that for me to sleep, I would fold up into a ball. At the same time that I was in a ball-shape, my back would be as close to the wall as possible. In turn, it made it impossible for someone to touch me. I was also at one point a sound-sleeper, being that I didn't wake up for anything. After that experience, the slightest movement easily waked me up in my room by anyone. My subconscious was still effected by the abuse that I had sustained, however my mind was too "shutdown" for it to be affected. I also started to be able to sleep in small spaces. This allowed me to sleep in places that only one person could fit into, such as closets, trunks, chests, etc. It made people uneasy about how I could sleep in such small spaces, however my subconscious was causing me to do these things to try to protect me from the abuser. It is weird to say, but I believe that my subconscious was more aware of what was going on than what I was.
My mind has never been able to confront the abuse that I have sustained. I haven't allowed my mind to confront it because I "hated" myself for not being able to stop the abuse for the length of time it was going on. Where I have yet to confront the abuse, my subconscious is still having me sleep the same way since the abuse started. Where I am talking about sleeping patterns, I think you all know which type of abuse that I am talking about. The only reason that I have just begun to dig deep into my mind about the abuse is because of an unexpected conversation that I had this past weekend. I have been coming out of the depressed state that I have been in, however I have never truly confronted the primary reason for the depressed state. I talked about the reason, as a "spirit of the moment" type of thing. One of those times that something has been on your mind for a length of time, however never would have thought it could slip out so easily. This was the first time that I had emitted that I had been abused in the past. It was also the first time that I emitted that the abuse was the primary reason for the depressed state.
My mind has become unstable since that day. My mind more like Pandora's Box right now because of the unknown amount of emotions and thoughts that are rushing back towards my mind. Where I still do not have much emotional feeling in my mind, other than instincts, I am unable to process/understand a lot of the feelings that I am feeling. I am feeling more "lost & confused" than anything else because of this. I have been getting "flooded" with past memories that I have blocked for the length of time of my depressed state, so it is difficult to deal with them all at once. So in reality, my mind is just like "Pandora's Box" due to the multitude of things that are coming from the hidden-unknown parts of my mind. I am not sorry that I am finally looking at my past with such focus; I am just currently unprepared for so much at once. Today I have actually punched something hard (metal) just to cause my mind to focus on something else, so I could process what I have just begun to remember today.
I know that I am the victim of something bad, however I feel like it is still my fault (just as all victims do). I also have begun to fear what I am going to need to do to conquer these memories, especially where I refuse to become depressed again. I am too old to do that again, and God knows if I could come out of that again. I personally feel that if I were to go depressed again, the suicidal thoughts I had before could become reality. Depression is not a state of mind that anyone should experience. The self-destructive thoughts that a person will feel, mostly suicidal, can prove to cause more damage than the original reasoning behind going into that depression. I know this from personally experience especially since everyone thought that in the past I was just joking with the suicidal attitude, however I was serious for approximately 90% of the time. That is scary for anyone that knows me and how I was back then.
When a person blames himself/herself because of an experience negative/positive, the person starts to become self-absorbed. This is normal for anyone because all victims of anything will feel this way. There are always the thoughts that something else could have been done for one reason or the other. The thoughts of "if I were only stronger", "if only I would have said something", "if people were more alert", "it shouldn't have happened", and stuff like that. These thoughts will haunt any given victim of anything done against them. These are the thoughts that victims, such as myself, plague himself/herself with to try to sort through what has happened to him/her. It is difficult to sort through an experience like that because it is always difficult to accept that something like that could happen to you. People say that it is good to have family members know about this type of experience so that you have them to help you through the difficult times. I believe that in some circumstances this is true, however in most I believe it only makes it worse to have family involved. Although I am currently having difficulties to process everything that dealt with my abuse, I know that if my family were to get involved the process will become more difficult. To have my family question everything that you do after hearing about abuse and who it was, I would become worse off because they would understand why I became as private as I have become. I also know that my family would make the abuse a "public thing" which I would never do because I would want to handle this type of thing away from the public's eye.
The aftermath of having an abuse victim approach his/her abuser can be more mortifying for the victim than what people make it out to be. Everyone will say that it is better to approach the abuser and get it open to the public about that person, however 99% of these people do not know what they are talking about. When abuse is brought to the public's eye (society), people will treat you differently. As a victim of something so horrible, the abuse seems so minor compared to everything else that happens to you when the society is involved. Although the laws have changed to better the victims of abuse, the fact that society has yet to change, cases more problems than what people realizes that it causes. If I had confronted my abuser when the abuse was starting, there would have been an aftermath that I wouldn't want to see. The type of spectacle that would have come from the confrontation would have destroyed both my life and the abuser's life. That is something I still refuse to allow people to do to either of us. Things like abuse have the ability to haunt the abusers as time continues. When time finally ends for the abuser, the abuser will pay in full regardless of how "honorable" people think that the person is. The abuse will become the downfall of any abuser regardless of how long ago it was that the abuse happened. The fact that the abuse had happened is enough of fact to have "God" to make him/her pay for the abuse that he/she pushed upon another person.
I believe that in most cases it is best to have the abuse come out to show society that abuse exists in the world still, and it isn't going away any time soon. "Pandora's Box" is more of an unstable thing than what I could have dreamed it could be. I know that my situation of abuse did a lot of negative things to me, and my subconscious tried to protect me from my decision to "block" it out. "Pandora's Box" has caused me to think worse about myself due to the actions I took to act as if the abuse never had happened. I know I have caused myself more pain in my past, personally, than I should have. I know that if my family, or the family of my abuser, would ever find out about the abuse that the type of spectacle that would follow could be an extremely destructive situation for my area (home county). This type of thing, I know, has the tendency to tear apart everyone in my area (home county). The two families cover, between family members and friends, that much of the area (home county). This is something that I feel would be too destructive, and I will not be having the families know about the abuse, to protect them from society.
My mind, "Pandora's Box", was able to process a lot of the thoughts/memories that it has been receiving, yesterday. Thankfully I was shoveling snow for a better percentage of the day, so the physical effort was being transferred when doing the shoveling. My mind was able to sort through some of the past memories and thoughts that I had during those times. The combination of physical exhaustion from shoveling and sorting through my mind of those thoughts got me through the day. I don't have the physical exhaustion factor today because I did all the shoveling yesterday, so it will be more difficult for me to sort through the memories that decide to come to me today. I am actually able to focus on the memories primarily, so God knows how I will turn out today.
Hopefully I am able to sort through the memories, etc. in the proper accurate way before the memories are too much for me to handle. As it has been said, when you open "Pandora's Box" you can't stop what it lets out. My mind is just like "Pandora's Box" because I am unable to stop the flooding of memories that I had refused to remember. I know that it will take time to go through the memories of the abuse, and will take longer to get over the fact that I was abused in the past; if I can get over it at all. I also do not have the full access of my emotions yet, so having these memories is causing me to be more confused about my past than the memories would if I had those emotions. My instincts are what have been guiding me so far, and I can honestly say that it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my body the more I remember.
My mind is currently a little screwier than before. I have been told by a friend to leave him/her alone for an extended amount of time, with the time not being specified. I didn't realize that I was "smothering" him/her and when I finally realized the problem (he/she told me), it was too late to save myself from his/her wrath. I seemed to have "stepped in it" and "stepped in it" a lot, however that seems to be my way to learn things is by that. I seem learn about things by going past the "boundaries/limits" and ending up cause pain/suffering for more than one person. This really sucks, however it seems to be my "track record".
I spent a lot of time with this friend. I spent this time when he/she was at work and at home. I didn't realize that I was being forceful because I didn't pick up on any "warning signs" from him/her. I had a bit of a warning from a family member/friend that said that I should back off a bit because I was "overwhelming" this friend. The only difference between the phrases of "overwhelming" and "smothering" is that one is a positive thing and the other is a negative thing. I took the warning from this family member/friend under advisement and stayed away from this specific friend for most of the following weekend (this past weekend). I found out that it wasn't enough, and received a conversation from him/her that told me that I had gone to far.
I feel like I have sacrificed the friendship because he/she doesn't want to be around me. I did this by accident because I didn't see the harm in what I was doing; however that was just my ignorance of the situation. I have begun to realize that I will not see something if I don't want to see it. It is rather sick to say, however it is the closest to the truth that I can put in words. I hope that I haven't destroyed the friendship due to my ignorance, and I hope that he/she will accept my apologies for my stupidity.
I have always seen that Valentine's Day was a day for friends to share a day to celebrate his/her friendships. I have done this every year with my friends and didn't think anything of it. My friends also have loved ones that he/she is with on that day too, however we never centered on the loved ones although he/she would be there. This is how I had begun to overlook how others may see Valentine's Day. I know that many people celebrate Valentine's Day as the day of "love" and for many people Valentine's Day can be a lonely day. I am starting to realize that the reason why I was celebrating Valentine's Day with my friends so much was because they didn't want to see me feeling lonely. I think that doing such a thing has backfired for me because I never thought to ask what Valentine's Day really meant for this specific friend. The conversation yesterday was the first time that he/she told me that he/she saw Valentine's Day as a day that "lovers" celebrate together. When he/she told me that, I realized that I had "stepped in it" a lot.
Through the conversation of yesterday I didn't realize how far I had "stepped in it" until this conversation had started. I also didn't pry into any reasoning into not doing anything for Valentine's Day in the past because I didn't think it was proper for me to do so, however thanks to the conversation I found out. There is a birthday of a parent that is around the same time, so when this was told to me I realized that I "stepped in it" a lot more than I had thought. So as it went, things became worse than what it was originally.
As you can tell, this conversation was something that I didn't expect to happen, however I am glad it happened now instead of later. This gives me the ability to think over for the week about what happened, and try to understand my faults more at the same time. When this conversation was done I left after a while because it was a lot to take in all at once. For me to have this much information to be processed properly I either would have to have a "nap" or I have to go somewhere to let my mind wander. I chose to have the "nap" because I had a long car ride that night.
After the "nap" I went back to this friend and asked if he/she would like me to retract the invite on Valentine's Day, and his/her response was "Yes please". This was something that I knew I should have done the first time I was talking to him/her however I felt that I couldn't handle that much of an "information overload". If I had done the retracting in the first conversation, I probably wouldn't have worded it as calmly as I did when I did it. It was difficult for me to hear this friend to say that I was "smothering" him/her because I was doing exactly what I do with my other friends. This seemed to hurt a bit because I think I may have also sacrificed the friendship a bit too.
The friendship that we have together I hold very preciously. I wouldn't do anything to sacrifice it knowingly, however I think I have just done that. I do not know what to do right now because I feel that I need to apologize to him/her for what I have done, however in a way to not make things worse than what they are now. I only know of one thing to do; however I feel that I will make things worse in the process. I do not know what to do, and have no idea what to think at this point.
If this friend is reading this thought, I hope you are able to understand how much I am sorry about what I have done. I know that I don't think the same way most people do and realize that this is one of those times that I should learn to think like other people. I would like to apologize for my actions, feel really stupid about the way I did them, and hope that our friendship is still salvageable. Your opinion means the world to me and having you feeling the way you do about me, makes me believe that our friendship is on very shaky grounds right now. I will do as your wishes have been implemented towards me and stay away from you for a time. I will do this because of what I have said in the past. In the past I have said that there is no limit to what you ask of me to do, and this is exactly the same thing.
My respect of you and your wishes will be followed to the best of my abilities. Although I have begun to realize that spending that much time with you was wrong, I do hope that you are able to forgive me for it. I will stay away from you and give you any necessary space that you require. I will stay away until you say otherwise, and after that I will spend the time with you that you feel is proper. I once again would like to apologize for my actions and ignorance, and hope that it is possible to salvage our friendship.
The mind is more complicated than what people realize. The mood of person can be changed according to how settling or unsettling that your mind is. When you are having difficulties making up your mind about a situation, you will seem distracted and unable to focus properly. This has a chance to make you seem like you are stressed out. When you are in this type of mood anything that is said to you that is in the same territory as your thoughts, can set you off. This is usually when a person is easy to piss-off without great effort.
When a person focuses on one specific problem, the mind is unable to be relaxed. When the mind is unable to be relaxed, the mind is also unable to allow you to dream. This is a problem that occurs when the mind is focusing on a problem that can affect your life extremely. It is never good when a person is unable to make a serious decision like this because it means that he/she has a high chance to cause more pain to those around him/her. This type of decision shouldn't happen to people because of the negative affect that it could have from those around you.
When the mind is unable to relax enough to allow you to dream, you seem to be more tired when you wake up than you went to sleep. This is because your mind is still working on the solution when you are sleeping. When you sleep normally, your dreams help your mind to sleep too. Where the mind is not able to be relaxed enough to stop, your dreams are unable to be accessed. This also makes it so that your soul is unable to communicate to you through your sub-conscious through your dreams.
Your soul is the reason why you dream. The dreams that your soul has you see are necessary so that you can rest enough to continue with the next day. To be unable to get this type of relaxation, you are unable to react properly during the normal day. Your reflexes are also slowed down because you are still tired, so you are unable to react properly. This can be dangerous especially if you drive somewhere.
A problem that your mind is having difficulties coming to a solution to is the type of problem that you shouldn't decide on your own. This type of problem will affect more than one person when the decision comes through, and should be looked at by as many possibilities as possible. Having more than one person looking at a situation is more helpful than to do the decision on your own. This is true all of the time, however finding a person to trust with the information is the difficult thing to do.
I have been having the problems that I listed above. I have been unable to dream because of my mind not being relaxed. I have been thinking about a problem that I have had for a long time. I have only been thinking about this problem more because recently I decided to think about the problem again. The more that this problem is brought into the light, the more I have problems deciding how to proceed with whatever decision I come up with. It is a difficult decision between a friendship and something in my past. To keep one I must get rid the other.
I hold all of my friendships with great appreciation for those friendships, and will protect those friendships no matter the cost to myself. I have done this in the past, and now I have discovered that one of those friendships shouldn't have been protected after all. As I said, I will protect a friendship at any cost to myself. The cost to myself was too high, I have realized and now I am faced with the same problem as I had 10-12 years ago. The question is to sacrifice the friendship with someone or to hide from the past once again. When I hid from the past the last time, I went into a depression. Going into a depression is not an option this time.
It is a difficult decision that I have been faced with. I would like to keep the friendship and to have this thing in the past dealt with too. For me to deal with the past, the friendship would have to end. This is one of those lose-lose situations. There is no way that I can see to do both things without sacrificing one of them. There are two people in my life that I have told my past to, and it is difficult to see that the friendship still exists after that. My personal ethics are different than most other people's ethics because I have no problem with taking "a hit" to protect my friends. This time I am faced with protecting myself, and it seems that sacrifice is the only way.
As I have started to look upon my past, I have realized that I have done a lot of bad decisions. One of the worst ones was to hide from something in the past, and in doing so I forced myself into a depression. Although those around me thought the depression was due to a failed relationship, which I sent someone to the hospital. It has taken a lot for me to emit to the fact that the failed relationship was not the reason for the depression, however it was a good way to hide from the truth. The more I seem to hide from the truth, the harder it seems to be able to face the truth.
I have done some research on the Internet to help me try to make a decision about this problem, however I am finding that the decision needs to come from me and not someone else. I know that it is my decision regardless of what I do, however my "true nature" will not allow me to do this decision lightly. I have to consider how many people would be affected by this part of my past coming out into the open. The first person that I have to talk to is this friend, and I feel that the friendship will end when I do this.
It is difficult to do the right thing when many others around do the wrong thing. It is also difficult to "turn a blind eye" to things that your friends do to other people. When you are forced to decide between friends, your mind becomes torn between those friends that are requesting you to choose sides. Many times you are able to stay neutral because you can agree with all sides involved. There are times that you will have to choose sides because you will agree with one side, and disagree with the other side. When you do this, you could cause a problem with the friend that you are choosing against.
The mind will become torn between friends when you have your friends fighting between each other. You will feel the need to help your friends but not take sides. This can become tricky depending on the situation. Many times people will over-react to a situation, which causes problems between friends. It is sad to see good people fight among each other, and for you to be the referee between them.
When you have friends that start doing something that you don't believe is right, you will tend to suggest to not doing it. Many times your friends will use "peer-pressure" to have you do the wrong thing too. When you do not stand up for what you believe in, you tend to make others feel that he/she can push you around whenever he/she feels like it. This can get dangerous for you when it comes to a situation that you actually "fight back". Many times people will threaten you and believe that you will not go against him/her, however there are times that you will have to be willing to sacrifice the friendship to do the right thing.
I have been introduced into a situation that many people have his/her different opinions about. I have been told by some to "turn a blind eye" to the situation. I have also been told to ignore the situation and it will go away. It is interesting when people say that you should stand up for what you believe in, however when you feel it is time people tell you to stay out of it. I have been introduced to some prejudice that a group of friends (and the community) has against a friend (and his/her family) of mine.
I have been introduced into this dispute because one person in the group decided that I was getting to close to the friend, and decided to do a verbal attack (threat) towards me to have me end the friendship with the person. The verbal attack was an uncalled for attack, and now I have been forced to take sides in a prejudicial fight that I didn't know was happening. I have never been prejudice, and I plan to never be that way. My mind is unable to understand how a person can be prejudice, and my ethics will never change because of that.
My decision can be explained in two different ways for realizing which side I have chosen. The first way is the fact that the group is being prejudice against my friend. I am not prejudice, so I will always fight against it when it comes up. The second way is the fact that the group of people (and the community) is a greater number of people than my friend (and his/her family). I have always been the "little guy" being attacked by people, and I will do the same for any of my friends that are faced with overwhelming numbers/odds as this friend is.
The two reasons that are listed above are all the things that people need to look at to know my intensions. I have always stood up to the "bullies" that I have faced in life, and this is no different. Although many of my friends are included in the "bullies" side, I will stand up for anything I believe is right. I know that I will push against some friendships more than others, however I will gain whatever respect comes from doing this. I will not stand by and allow such things as prejudice to exist around me when I have the ability to stand up against it. I wasn't involved in this prejudicial situation until I was attacked. I am glad the attack happened because now I have the ability to see something that I couldn't before.
Regardless of what anyone else may think my reasons for the side I have chosen maybe, I will fight for this side. I will be fighting for the right things in this fight, and I will not back-down from any of those people. I know that I will test my friendships with many of those people, however I cannot be a friend with any person that would do such cruel things willingly. I don't understand how someone can be prejudice, and I will not stand by as it happens to any of my friends. I will use my powers of persuasion in this fight, which causes me to become a strong ally.
The preparation that I have been doing with myself this past week will prove how strong an ally I can be. Many people do not realize that I stay neutral in many fights because I agree with both sides. This will be the first time in a long time that I disagree with a side of a fight. This is also the first time that I will be going against some of my friends at the same time. I am preparing for one hell of a fight, and I will not back-down regardless if friendships will need to be sacrificed. I will not be a friend with anyone that is prejudice.
Although my mind is preparing for the worst, in this fight, I am also hoping that many people wills see my way of thinking. The mind will tell you when it senses trouble, and with times like these the mind will tell you of all the trouble available. I just hope that my friends are able to respect me enough to listen to me, and realize why I am standing on the side that I am standing on. When prejudice is being the reason behind a dispute, the dispute is useless to have. Where I am now involved in a fight that could take a while to get through, I have been preparing myself for the worst. I have also been exercising my mind for comments that should provoke me to say things that I would regret later on in life. I have been preparing to not say those types of comments. In doing so I have been developing a defense for this fight.
The war against prejudice has always existed. Most of the time that you hear about prejudice is when race is a factor. Fortunately race is not a factor this time. This type of prejudice many people do not see unless you are involved in the dispute somehow. Where I wasn't involved before, I never saw the prejudice that the group (and the community) has against my friend (and his/her family). This will be a fight that I will fight because it is the right thing to do.
The one thing that could cause more difficulties is if someone tries to involve my family in the dispute. I have requested to keep my family out of the dispute because I know that my family would try to get me to just "stand by" as the dispute happened. I will not do that regardless if my family or my friends tell me to do that. I will do what I feel is right, and the only way that I will not be part of this fight is when this fight is over. I will do what is right and there is no one that can make me see any differently about this fight.
When my mind and heart agree about any topic, the dedication that I will show causes me to become a very powerful ally. I will use my resources of persuasion to help my friend battle against the prejudice that everyone has against him/her and his/her family. I will do this because it is the right thing to do, and many people know that when I have decide to do something that you can't force me to stop (without physical attacks used).
I know that many of you may think that I am nuts to do the preparation that I have been doing. Many of you would go to the side of the greater number of friends, or even the friends that you have been with the longest. These would be good reasons for anyone to assist his/her friends, however those reasons are why I try to stay neutral during any fight between friends. Those of you that believe that I am nuts because of that should consider the reason for the dispute, and ask yourself whether you would support any friend through something you don't agree with. I know that I wouldn't be able to support any of my friends through something I didn't support, that is why I am going against the odds and doing what is right.
I will do what is necessary regardless of the consequences. I know that many people of my family will tell me to stay out of it, and I know that I will demand to know where he/she stands on the topic. If that family member says that he/she is at a neutral spot, I will be forced to oppose him/her because I feel differently about the situation. I know that it is not my "direct" fight; however if someone feels to drag me into something I will fight how I feel is right. God would be the only one that could stop me from this fight because no one else has the power to do it otherwise. A revolt against certain people has been over due to happen, and now that it has I am happy it is for a worthy cause.
As time continues to pass by the mind tends to wander. We all do this once in a while, however we tend to have our minds return to normal. This tends to happen to all of us; however there will be times that our minds will not return to normal. Usually when the mind doesn't return to normal you are having difficulties in something in your life. Any difficulties in your life can change your view on any topic. Your mind will choose it's own way on a subject, and many times it will be the way that you don't want it to be on.
Your mind is a very tricky thing to deal with. When you consider how much that you depend on you and your mind understanding each other, and the fact that if you disagree you seem to be a little crazy. Being crazy is not necessarily a bad thing, however you may think otherwise. When understanding yourself to the fullest means that your mind has never disagreed with your thinking patterns. This never happens and if you think otherwise, you are lying to yourself.
The mind of a person is more complicated than what people realize that it is. When you consider how much your mind does throughout the day without your thoughts telling it to, you can realize that to control your mind would require more concentration than you are willing to do. It is impossible to control your mind, however it is possible to have your mind control things for you. Many people feel that he/she is in control because he/she considers himself/herself as a sane person. I have news for you people, being sane is not necessarily having control.
There are so many different definitions for control that many people have them confused. When a person has control of himself/herself, it means that he/she is able to function in a normal day. Having true control means that the person is able to seem normal even through the most extremely "bad day possible", and not seem any different compared to a true normal day. These people may be able to fool other people about how he/she is feeling; however his/her mind is not in control.
The mind is able to function in a normal day without any concerns to the person all the time. The concerns for the person will only come when the person needs to organize his/her emotional state at any point. Where emotions are so strong, at times, it takes the mind more ability to control the emotions. For those of us that have tried to repress emotions/memories, we have caused our own minds to work harder than it is needed to work. This can cause an unknown amount of stress, and can cause a person to be distracted at times.
There are times that repression is a gift, however nothing stays repressed forever. The mind only has the ability to do so much and until technology comes out with a way to delete memories completely, we will have to be careful with overwhelming our minds. If someone overwhelms his/her mind, the person may seem to have a breakdown of sorts. This can happen at any point of his/her life, and many times cannot be stopped. Many times that a breakdown comes there aren't the proper warning signs for the person to realize something is wrong. There are always warning signs, however how the person uses them is the catch.
I know that I have caused my mind to over-strain itself many times throughout the years. I have caused my mind to help me repress bad memories, emotions, and of course the depression I put myself in. When a person puts his/her own mind through this type of strain, you tend to cause more damage than it is worth. It is always sad to see this type of strain happening to a person.
I caused undue amounts of strain, stress, and pressure to my mind a lot through the years. Currently with coming out of a depression that lasted 12 years, I have realized that my mind has gone through more than it should have in a lifetime. When this type of strain is caused to the mind, the mind is caused to work during times of rest. This is not healthy and can cause serious problems after time. It is still shocking that my mind was able to last as long as it has with the extra strain that it was under. For many people, this type of strain would put him/her into a mental institution within a few years.
Now it seems that I have a strong will however that is something that is false. To have a strong will you would have to be able to fight against other people, and win. What I did was that I hid from everything and repressed everything. This is not having a strong will, it is cowering from life. This is what I think of myself, and how I see my past. I know that I may have a strong will now however not then. For this reason, I see nothing but pain & suffering in my future. For me to conquer the past, the past will need to be fought.
I know that my mind has a lot of repressed memories and emotions still yet to be discovered. It is rare for a person to realize the dangers that he/she has put himself/herself in when dealing with his/her own mind. I know that I have a lot of hurdles to get through for this depression to be over with. I know that any professional help I receive over this will give me some sort of distinction. I also know that this will be one of the biggest fights of my life because I will be confronting the very thing that put me into the depression.
With the help of the few people that know what I am going through and the professional help, I know that it is possible to recover from the depression. I know that I will not be the same person as I was in the past, however I hope that I will become a better person than I ever was. I have caused too much pain to myself during the depression, and I hope that I am able to give myself the ability to have a second chance with life.
The next few months will be difficult for my mind. I will be removing my guard and allowing all the stress that I will have to attack me more than it should. This will allow any mental barriers that are still up, to become attacked directly. When a person is trying to remove the mental barriers that are blocking emotions (or memories), for me, it has to be forced. This may be harsh to some to cause this type of damage to you, however it is the only way for me to attack those barriers directly. Fortunately this will give less strain to my mind.
Any professional help that I receive during this time of need, will help me protect those around me from myself. I still wish to protect those that I protected in the past, however I do not wish to keep everything bottled up any more. The help from a therapist will be required because I know the torcher that I went through to put myself into that depression, and I know the same amount of torcher will be required to take me out of it. It is sad to know that torcher is the only way to undo the repressed emotions and memories that I have.
The hardest thing I have had to do so far is to emit to the true reason behind the depression. I had always kidded myself that it was due to a fail relationship, however I knew in my heart it wasn't. The depression gave my mind the ability to focus on protecting others, and in doing so I caused myself more torcher than anyone should experience. Time has a way to teach you many things, and this is one that time couldn't teach me quick enough. The knowledge that I have now of the pain & suffering I went through during the depression, I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from doing the depression in the first place.
I have a process that will be coming up some time in the future. I call it a "self-destruction" process, which I experienced several times going into the depression. All the emotions and memories that I got flooded with during this "self-destruction" process were all forced into a repressed state. The amount of control to do all this caused more strain to my mind than I realized. This type of reckless destruction of the mind can become deadly if done improperly. In my opinion I should have not been able to do what I did. It is too unhealthy to cause this type of damage to yourself on purpose, and I should have had a nervous breakdown during the first attempt.
Time is the only thing that will be able to determine whether a person can recover completely from an ordeal like this. I know that facing my past will be difficult, however it is only part of the battle. To recover from the destruction to my own mind will be the biggest battle that I will face in my life. Where this involves my mind and nothing else, I will be having this recovery without the assistance of other people. I pray that I will become a better person when my mind is finally able to settle down, and I hope I can become the person I was before all of the torcher started.
For me to finally recover from this ordeal I will have to keep those I protected from being involved in the recovery process. This may seem odd, however for me to know that I protected them from the worst, I will have to make sure that they never find out the reasoning behind everything. There are only so many people that know that the real reason behind the depression, and I hope that I will not have to burden anyone else with the knowledge.
I still have the need to protect everyone. There are only so few people that have the ability to help me. Those that I don't consider help will never know the truth. All anyone will need to know is that any professional help I receive is to help me out of the depression. There will be no specifics given to people like my family because I know that they would not understand why I did what I did. I mentioned to a few people of my family that I was depressed, and the length of time that I was depressed. I was told that I was lying and that he/she will not except that I was ever depressed. It was nothing but a "rut" that I was in, in his/her eyes. The problem is that a "rut" doesn't take longer than a month to get through. I was in a depression because it took over a decade to go through.
Time will only tell how things will turn out with this situation. I know that I will only involve family when I feel it is necessary, and I don't see that in the future. Time is the only thing that is constant in this situation, and hopefully time is on my side with what I am about to experience.
The mind of any person is very complicated. There are times that the mind can seem simple, however the rest of the time it is complicated. Everybody's minds are different, and no two minds can be treated the same way. There are always differences in the person's experiences to make any treatment become more different than the last. When a person is trying to protect another person, at the same time keep his/her own sanity, it becomes difficult to treat the person because the person is not completely willing to do what is necessary.
There has always been the chance to test loyalties between friends, and many times the loyalties will win. There are times, however, that the loyalties to a person can cost yourself your sanity in the end. This is the type of test I am currently against. To be able to conquer the depression I am in, I will have to stop protecting a friend. This means that I will be willing to sacrifice a friendship for my own well-being. I am willing to do this to a point. I wish to still protect that friend, however I am not willing to cover up for that friend any longer.
I have destroyed my own life long enough, and now I am going to do what I should have done in the past. I am going to face the problem that put me into the depression. Interestingly enough everyone, including the one I am protecting, has told me to "get on with my life" and to no longer to take any grief from anyone. Now I am placed into a position that I have to fight back. I have been verbally assaulted by one of these people, which I understood as an attack against a special friend (to me) and my own judgment. I told this friend, he/she told his/her parents about it, and they approach the person that verbally assaulted me. It was mentioned that I was going to be contacted by this person during this past weekend, however that person hasn't talked to me yet.
This person denied saying anything of the wording that I had reported. He/she will be contacting me at some point, however I believe he/she will be having his/her child with me when it happens. If the child (long time friend to me) is being involved, this person may not like the results. I have never gone against this specific family because I have never seen a reason to, however time changes everything. When I was verbally attacked, I lost every bit of respect for that person due to the comments used. I also have a long history with his/her child, and that history may come back to haunt him/her because of that.
I have no intensions to cause any pain & suffering when it is unnecessary, however this type of pain & suffering may have to come out to help me regain my sanity. I went into the depression to protect everyone around me because I was not willing to cause that type of pain & suffering, regardless of the cost to myself. My sanity was challenged due to this, and all emotional contact was removed. To repress your own emotion takes a lot of will-power, and to be willing to repress the necessary memories takes a lot of mind control. These two things helped me to become depressed.
I am now trying to come out of this depression, that I have been in for over a decade. For me to truly defeat the depression, I will be required to approach my friend in the appropriate manner. This seems to be the only way for me to have a bit of "piece of mind" dealing with that friend. I have made strides to come out of this depression, such as finally emitting to myself that my friend was the reason for the depression. The amount of hate and anger that I felt that day towards that person was greater than anyone could imagine. When I left for his/her place, after talking with my special friend, it is amazing that I didn't attack the one I felt the hate towards.
My mind is currently really messed up. For me to continue in the real world (work) I have been typing this type of stuff more and more. I have decided that this website is the only true way to my sanity, and hopefully after time it will do more than what any therapist can do for me. This website is every thought that I have ever typed up since I was in therapy the first time through. This website will continue to be updated with my thoughts because it relaxes it somewhat to know that I may be able to help some of you with my experiences. Also some of the feedback has been interesting to read, however most of it seems to be people unable to accept that these thoughts can exist in a normal person.
I know that I cannot protect everyone from the worst things that exist in the world, however it is always comforting to know that I can try. I will not be able to protect everyone when my war amongst friends starts, however I can always try to shield them as much as possible. There is going to be a lot of hurt by a lot of people when I finally can come out of my depression. Those that are directly involved with the reason of my depression will feel the worst of it, however I hope that I can protect others from the hurt. My family will not be involved in this war, and I pray that they do not get told the truth of my depression too.
My life is going to be flipped up-side-down when the truth finally comes out. My mind is currently screwed enough to show the severity of the situation, and hopefully the therapy is going help out enough to make me become somewhat normal. My mind is very dangerous with the information that is in it. I have been a ticking time-bomb since I emitted to myself that my best friend (at the time) was the primary reason for me going into a depression. Now time is the only thing that can decide when "Hell on Earth" will actually start.
Time has begun to dwindle for me. I have begun to realize that my mind is starting to lose some control. With the effort I have been putting into to overcome this depression, I have caused a ripple that I now see. It is sort of like taking the foundation away from a house a little at a time. You don't see any problems, until the house starts to become shaky. This is what I have done with my mind.
My secret is the roots for the depression. The day I actually emitted that the secret did happen, I started to chip away at my mind's foundation. When I started to emit to myself that I was a victim, I started to break away bigger pieces to my mind's foundation. Now, the more people that find out about the secret, the foundation of my mind seem to become shaky. The more stress I feel, about anything, the more that the foundation shakes. This weekend will be the start of that foundation collapsing.
This past weekend I finally had the confrontation with a friend's parent, which I knew was coming. I prepared for the worst so that I couldn't be off-guard if the confrontation went bad. The confrontation went well, however my friend, his/her family, and my family are in an agreement. My judgment, which is still in question, was wrong for me to tell a specific friend (and his/her family) some hurtful information. I have been told by those people that think I did something wrong, to next time keep anything that I feel can be hurtful to myself. I am not to tell information that can be hurtful to anyone, even if I feel that he/she should know the information.
With what happened this past weekend, I feel a void starting to open up. I feel this void coming because I did the right thing, but I am being told it was wrong to do this. I have been told that it is my opinion that I did the right thing, however I have been also told that it may not be the right opinion. This phrase actually came from my family, so you can imagine how much that hurt. My family seems to be more interested in keeping the peace between the two families, than to do the right thing. This will be a great problem for the future, especially when I speak about the secret I have bared for over a decade.
Due to the events that happened during this past weekend, and how I feel about everyone around me, I will be experiencing something earlier than expected. I will be having a "self-destruction" period during this coming weekend, if I can last until then. As I said above, my mind's foundations have become shaky. The more that I recent the people I grew up with (family & friends), which are the same people I have protected for all these years, the more my mind's foundation shakes. If I can make it to this long weekend I should be able to have the "self-destruction" period without involving anyone. That is only if I can make it to Friday without causing that foundation to shake any harder.
Before I thought that my "self-destruction" period would happen some time after this month. I have a lot of stress with this month, and I thought that nothing would shake me up enough to cause the "self-destruction" period to happen any earlier than the month of May. I was wrong. I have had my mind shaken up a lot from this past weekend. I do not agree with what those people said about me doing the wrong thing. This has caused me to second guess the protection that I have held up for so long. It seems like when I speak of the secret, in the future, I will be "standing alone" afterwards. This means that I will be left alone from the family when the secret finally comes.
There is very little that can change now. I have been preparing for the day that the first "self-destruction" period to come, and now I know that it is close. It is unfortunate that it has come so early, however it is probably a good thing that it has. I have already started to push people away from me, and now I am faced with the reality that the worst is still to come. My sense of purpose has also started to sway, and I am starting to believe that I will lose control soon.
I have told one of my parents, with some blunt hints, that something is wrong. That parent seems to not be able to see that something is wrong, and in the process believes that everything is all right. There is going to be a time in the future that my family will have to decide something important. My family will have to decide to keep a friendship with a certain family, or to stand by my side. That day is coming, and the first test of their loyalties was to that certain family. I can see that their loyalties aren't with me right now, and may not be with me when the secret finally comes out.
My mind is starting to become unstable. I have known this since Friday when I had the confrontation. I knew that my mind wants to be free of the destruction that it has had for a long time. I know that the foundations that my mind is built around, and the foundations of my depression are all starting to crumble. The more that I am forced to fight against my own family, the worse that both foundations become. There will be a time that the foundations will collapse, and I hope that they don't collapse at the same time.
If both sets of foundations collapse together, I will be locked up for a long time frame. I will be in no shape to do anything because my mind will have nothing to base a foundation upon. This is one of the things that I mostly fear about what I am beginning to go through. Those few people that know what the secret is may be able to help me during the time that the secret comes out, however I do not believe any of them will be able to help me if both foundations (mind and depression) collapse together. It is sad to know that I cannot trust anyone of my family to know the secret, and if both foundations collapse they won't know why.
Time is the only factor that is involved now. I sense that my family will not come to my side when my secret comes out, and also sense that I will be removed from the family in the process. It is said to know all of this and I am still willing to continue with my work to end my depression. I will end it no matter the cost to me.
I know that this sounds bad, however this is how things have begun to lay themselves out. It is unfortunate how things are starting to look, but it is necessary to know where people stand. I know that I have a few friends that will stand by me regardless of how others feel. I know this and this is why these few people know my secret. This is going to be an experience that no one wants to experience, however someone needs to be hurt. My family does not know what I have been going through lately, however they do believe that I am not thinking about anyone before I do things. It is always bad when they say stuff like that, especially for how I protected them in the past (with them unknowingly of it).
My mind is a little unsettled from this past weekend. I actually had one of my sibling's friends guess what my secret was. This person used five guesses, and was able to guess what it was & whom it involved. Now if someone that I have very little contact with like this person is able to guess the secret, it seems really odd for family members to not realize that something has been wrong with me for a long time. I know that I am not an actor, so no one can say that my "showing a 'good' front" was why they were unable to see anything wrong.
The longer that the secret is kept a secret, the harder it will be to come to terms with that secret. Secrets are sometimes good, however many times (like mine) the secret is not worth keeping it a secret. Secrets can be extremely damaging at times too. The secret that I have kept as long as I have is extremely damaging to both those people I have been protecting and myself. It is unfortunate to know that one little thing can have that type of impact if it is brought into sight of everyone.
This weekend will be the start of something that can escalate into something very disturbing. Time is the factor in this situation because time is the only thing that can judge when everything will be going to "Hell on Earth". The secret will destroy many lives, and it will cause a lot of mental anguish on many others and myself. This secret has already caused a lot of mental anguish to me and will cause more when the secret is out. Time is the question right now because I don't know how much time I have left before the worst starts to come.
The mind can be a beautiful thing at times, and just as ugly at times. The mind can be beautiful because of the creativity that can be found within the mind. This beauty can be found through poetry, thoughtfulness, and through the caring that a person can have towards life (in general). Finding this type of beauty is difficult however not impossible.
When a mind is found to be beautiful, it is unfortunate because many times people will try to destroy that beauty. When you find a mind that has a lot of beauty to it, try to keep it as pure as possible. To keep something that pure is almost impossible where the real world tries to destroy anything that is "good", and a mind is just as vulnerable as everything else in the world.
A mind is a delicate thing that exists in the world. It is more complicated than most things are, especially when you are trying to find the "good" things in life. There is a lot of "good" in the world, and finding those "good" things will help you see that life is worth something after all. It is difficult to see how much a person's life is worth, however seeing the "good" that exists helps a lot.
I have begun to see some of the beauties of the world. I have started to see these beauties because I have been experiencing the evils of the world lately. I appear to have a lot of control however lately that control has been slipping. I have begun to have my control slip because I have been exposed to more emotional situations than I am use to. The sense of trust has been violated and the sense of family loyalties has been broke, which has caused me to feel more emotional than before. This type of emotion is mostly negative and is very difficult to deal with.
Lately, I have experienced some warning signs that I recognize. It is not a good feeling to find these warning signs to be approaching me. These warning signs help me know that I am about to experience something that I didn't expect for another month (at least). The "self-destruction" period is sooner than it was supposed to be. It has started to come early because of this past weekend. This past weekend, my trust/loyalties to my family was put to the test.
Unfortunately my trust/loyalties have been disrupted because my family has decided to side against me with a situation. This situation involves a family that we all grew up around. One person in that family I have started to "stand up" against, however my family feels that I am doing something wrong. I have begun to do "the right thing" however my family has told me that I am wrong. This is starting to show me that the old saying of "blood is thicker than water" is not a correct saying.
This past weekend was a small test to see which side that my family will go on. It is unfortunate to find out that my opinion doesn't mean anything to them. It is unfortunate to find out that they hold a friendship with someone higher than their own son/daughter's opinion. My family is supporting the person that decided to verbally assault me with things that were harmful to a special friend of mine. I reported these things to my special friend, and now my family seems to think that I am wrong for doing so. Blood is supposed to be thicker, however for my family it doesn't appear to be.
Time is against me right now. I have started to have my control over my mind slip, and now I am faced with things that no person should ever experience. I have experienced these things in the past however I was going into a depression. There is no telling what will happen to me this time because I do not want to repress any emotions when they surface. This will make me extremely vulnerable to anything that is said to me, so I will be isolating myself from everyone else. This type of thing could scare anyone that is not experiencing it, and can be very disturbing to those that do experience it.
My past is starting to catch up with me. This is starting to become a reality to me, and I can't stop it from happening. I have been trying to slow it from getting me, however my past seems to need to be exposed. This is something that I have protected for too long, and now my mind is unable to hide from the past any longer. With having my family turn against me, I have begun to lose some of my control. The need to protect them has begun to diminish in the process too.
There is no real way to determine how much time I have left. All throughout this week I have been able to keep control, however that control is diminishing the more time that passes by. The more that I speculate about how my family will react to the secret that has been buried for so long, the more I lose control. I cannot ignore the fact that my family turned on me already, and now I am faced with the reality that my family may do it again.
I have friends that I can turn to for support, however not having your own family on your side causes more problems than what people can realize. It is sad to know that your family would be willing to side with someone that has done something wrong over someone that is trying to do something right. This is one of those times that I seem to not be able to win because everyone else sees me as the one who is wrong.
I plan on to be sleeping for a better percentage of tonight. I will need to do this to regain some of the strength that I have lost during this past week. I have lost that strength because I have been thinking about what just happened this past weekend. The more that I think I am ready to face my secret, the more I find that people are not comfortable with me having my own way of thinking. Everyone has gotten use to me just taking orders, and doing nothing to question anyone. This is the way I have been throughout my depression. This has started to end, and now I find myself in a position to fight against my own family.
My family will soon realize that I will no longer think for other people. I will no longer have myself suffer so that others can live his/her lives without suffering. I have done this for my whole life, and I can't do it any more. I have suffered more than anyone else in the world because I have kept my secret away from everyone. I have begun to lose control because I need to leave the depression. I have started to remove the foundation that created a stable position for that depression to live in, and now it is starting to crumble.
Staying in the depression may kill me after time. No person should have to suffer to allow others to be free. This type of pain should never exist, and it will soon be out of me. I will no longer put myself through hell so that others can believe that the world is perfect. Some may call this a "nervous breakdown" and some may call it "too much stress". The reality is that I am coming out of a "depression". Until people realize this, people will not know why I have changed so much. Time is not on my side due to this because I am losing control too soon, and too much at once.
There will be times this weekend that no one will be able to find me. I will disappear because I will not be in any shape to be around others. When my "self-destruction" period happens, I will be alone. I will be alone because I do not want anyone to see what type of person I become when I become that vulnerable. There is only one person I would trust to see it, however I do not want him/her to experience the possible harm that would come from seeing it happen. I could become very uncontrolled and do a verbal assault against him/her that could be devastating.
We all have a dark-side to us. Many of us never show others this dark-side because of the negative impression that can come from seeing the dark-side. My dark-side has been hidden behind a lot of mental barriers. I have prevented many people from seeing this dark-side of me because I know how harmful my dark-side can become. I am not a violent person by nature, however if provoked enough people can see a very dark-side of me. It is rare for someone to get vulnerable enough to separate himself/herself from others. When this happens, you know that something is wrong with the person because of the anti-social behavior.
There is going to be a time that my family will have to decide if my opinion does matter or not. I have been preparing myself to confront my family with my past. This is something that I have to build a lot of courage around to do, and I haven't gotten there yet. I have started to test my family with their loyalties, and it is rather unfortunate to find out that the loyalties are not with me.
My family seems to be more concerned with how something looks rather than if the situation is right or wrong. When a family starts to think at the look of something rather than the truth, the family tends to not ally with its own blood. There is a time in the future that I will need to know where my family will stand with me, depending on the severity of a situation that they are informed of. I have alienated my family so far, and if any phrase like "why didn't I just stay quiet with this information" is said; my family will find that I will not be around for that type of treatment. I am starting to think for myself and for what is best for me. If my family doesn't like that, then there will be hell to pay.
I am not use to thinking for myself. I have always done what will keep everyone happy, which made me be a neutral on many subjects. I have always done this to be able to protect my secret more, and in the process to protect everyone from my secret. Now I am at a point that I can no longer protect people from the secret because of the mental strain that I am under, due to the secret. The depression has caused a lot of mental strain, the secret has caused a lot of mental strain, and knowing that my family isn't on my side has caused more of an imbalance than I ever expected. These three things combined have forced me to start to lose control.
Time is the only factor here. I do not know how long I have left before I lose control altogether. I do know that having these "self-destruction" periods will help me stay sane for a bit of time, however they are not a permanent fix. When the depression is ended will be the first real thing that is a start to a permanent fix. This will be the hardest thing I do because I don't want too many people to find out about everything. If people were able to "connect the dots" to me, I would probably lose my job because I am not in complete control of my sanity. Time can only tell.
We all have "mood swings" every once in a while. Some "mood swings" are positive and some are negative, however after everything is said and done you will return to normal. When a person starts to experience these "mood swings", the person will usually not realize that he/she is having a "mood swing". Some people will describe "mood swings" as "highs" and "lows". Also many times when a person in seen to go into a "low-mood swing" (negative mood swing), doctors will tend to want to subscribe medicine for those times that he/she in experiencing the "low-mood swing".
I have been having many "mood swings" lately. I have been experiencing them more and more, especially when I am trying to defeat this depression that I am in. I have also had extremely negative "mood swings" when I have challenged my family's loyalties. This has put me in a dangerous "low-mood swing" because of the feeling of betrayal through those family members. This in-turn has caused me to realize that the patterns that I am use to having may not follow the same patterns. An example of this is my "self-destruction" periods. There is always a pattern of warnings, however the warnings can be false if there is too much negative emotion blocking my view.
I thought that the warnings that I was experiencing, last week, were to warn me that I was about to go through a "self-destruction" period. I was wrong; it was an imbalance of negative emotions. This imbalance was vented through physical labor, however could have escalated into a "snapping period" (which I haven't had in a long time). Thankfully the imbalance of negative emotion was vented in a good way, however that type of imbalance could be classified as a negative "mood swing". If a doctor had seen this, I would be on medication now.
I have a lot of imbalances going on in my mind. This is why I have so many "mood swings" that will come and go, all the time. These imbalances are due to the lack of repression that I have been doing lately. I know that I can become a very dangerous person if stuff like this gets out of hand. I also know that I have a long road ahead of me when it comes to this depression. These are facts that I will not ignore, and I will deal with to the best of my abilities. The therapy that I have having should give me a better version of contact with my emotions. Hopefully the connection to my emotions will be enough to help me deal with this depression in a better way than I have been lately.
When I have a great imbalance of emotions, it is usually due to someone telling me that my judgment is wrong. It may seem like a small thing, however the imbalance will come when my judgment is questioned without making any real sense to me. This is something that can be very frustrating, which causes the imbalance to happen. Thankfully this imbalance only will happen when I feel like I am being attacked, and it only has happened once lately. This can be an easy when to be committed to a mental health facility, however I have enough control to stop that from happening.
With the repression of emotions that I have gone through, there seems to be a lot more negative emotions than positive ones that are buried. This is not a good thing because I know that I am not a negative person by nature. I know that I have a lot of things to work through, and a lot of things to find within myself; but I am not an evil person. With this much negativity being repressed, I question whether I should unbury it all or not. This type of second-guessing can become more destructive than anything else.
I have been preparing for the worst, ever since I started to uncover the things that have caused my depression. I have also decided that I need to do this very carefully because of the seriousness of my depression, and the reasons for my depression. I know that I need to regain control of my sanity, however I also know that there is a lot of pain & suffering that others must feel for me to obtain my sanity. I do feel awkward about needing to cause any pain & suffering to anyone because I have never done anything like that in my past. I have always done whatever was necessary to keep others happy, regardless of the cost to myself. Unfortunately this type of way to live must end.
The end to my depression is nowhere in sight, however I do know that the end will come after time. I have told my parents to not interfere in my life until I decide it is time for them to do so. What this means is that I told them to not tell me to "think about settling down" and to not "make others do it for them". I have told them that if they want me to be happy, then they will have to trust me. I did this type of talk with them on Sunday night when the rest of the family had already left the house. I told them that if I was going to "settle down" with someone it would be at least 3 years down the road, when I hope I will be prepared to do something of that sort. My parents have said that they do not know what I am talking about, however if you have read any of the other things that are on this site; you would know better just as I do.
My mind will be going through multiple "mood swings" for a while. I will be up and down with the "mood swings" and hopefully I can get through them enough to continue with ending the depression. I know that ending this depression will take time, and hopefully when my secret is finally out I will be able to end the depression. I know that I will be facing one hell of a war with everyone when my secret is out, however I really don't care. I have to do things for myself, and to do that I have to change enough to end the depression one way or the other.
Time is the thing that may be against me. I have dug around into the past and found out some details that I didn't know about. I hope that whatever I may discover in the past is able to help me deal with everything that is in my life now. I know that many people will not understand why I put myself in the depression. I know that I have been having problems understanding it, myself. Time will be the only thing to tell when it is necessary for the next few steps to happen. The depression will end regardless of the cost to myself.
Many people would try to keep anything of his/her past a secret, however I am faced with the need to expose my past. For my mind to finally be at ease, for my family to finally understand me, and for me to regain my sanity; the past will need to be exposed. This will cause a lot of fighting amongst my family and other families, however it will be necessary for me to finally be able to move on. The depression has caused me more damage than anyone can image. Now I am faced with the need to end it all.
My mind has been fighting with itself since I decided to end the depression. I have been asking the odd question about some feelings. I have asked these questions to those that know I am in a depression. I have asked the questions dealing with crushes, lust, and love. These questions I have asked because I have only experienced the first two, but not the big one. I only realized that I had experienced those two when I started to end my depression. I understood the whole thing dealing with lust. I understand more about crushes, especially where I did have one or two when I was in school. However I haven't experienced anything dealing with love.
The more that I talk about love, the more that people seem confused. Where I have always been fearful of that emotion, I know that I haven't experienced it. I knew that if I experienced that emotion during my depression that my depression would end instantly. The problem is that I would have been crushed by all of the emotions that would be no longer repressed by the depression. This is why I have always feared the emotion of love. I have been told that I will know it when it happens, however I still have a bit of fear of that emotion.
Time is the only thing that knows what my life will have happen to it. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, and hopefully my family will stand by me throughout the whole ordeal. Time will only tell how long it will be before the depression or the secret is finally dealt with in the proper manner.
The more time that passes, the worst that the mind can become. Time is a variable that can become very destructive after time. I know this because I have been experiencing it for the past few weeks. I have found that the more that I uncover about my depression, the worse my mind becomes.
When your mind is constructed around foundations are based upon a depression, your mind will start to slip when those foundations are removed. Time is a constant variable in the situation because there is no chance to predict the outcome of everything involved. I know that I am treading in dangerous waters when I continue to remove mental barriers that deal with my depression. I know that I am going to cause a lot of pain to myself and other people, when my depression comes to an end.
There is only so much pain & suffering that one person should be put through. If it were up to me, I would stop the pain & suffering from happening altogether, however that is impossible to do. I know that I have sacrificed more than what people realize, and I am still willing to sacrifice however not in the same aspect. I have sacrificed my sanity for a number of years, and did this out of the goodness of my heart. I realize now that it was wrong to do that type of sacrifice. I have sacrificed more than I should have.
I have been a victim of something very serious. I felt the need to hide from the seriousness of the situation, and I stayed quiet for the whole ordeal. I felt that a specific friendship was more important than my own sanity. I did start to do things that put me in a solitude position. I did stay quiet about the whole ordeal. I did shutdown/repress all of my emotions so that the ordeal wouldn't be able to bother me. I did all of these things to protect a friendship, however doing these things was wrong. Now it is time to reverse some of the damage I have caused myself.
I know that it looks like I am going for revenge. I know this however revenge is not what I am looking for. I am looking to retain my sanity. We all go through experiences that test our mental capabilities to work through the problem, and many of us are able to find the necessary help when we cannot do it by ourselves. I found a way to cause myself to not be harmed by the ordeal and anything anyone could say to me. I did all of this because of the friendship that I held more valuable than my own sanity. Now I see my sanity is too much of a cost for any friendship.
My mind is becoming more erratic because I have taken down a lot of mental barriers. These mental barriers were part of the foundation to my depression. These mental barriers also helped reinforce my depression. With the mental barriers starting to be removed, I have begun to feel the effects to not having those mental barriers. The mental barriers protected me from feeling certain amounts of emotions, and now I have begun to feel those emotions. It is unfortunate that 99% of the emotions that I am feeling are negative ones, however I have been dealing with those as they come.
I know that I have begun to start to lose control of everything that my mind does. I know that the worst is still to come, especially with the "self-destruction" periods still to come. I know these things however I also know that I will get through all of it. I will conquer the necessary things to end the pain & suffering that I have been going through. I know that many people will not be able to understand why I kept quiet for so long, and there will be many that won't be able to understand why I couldn't just stay quiet.
The truth is that I have been preparing for some of the worst types of comments that can come out of a person's mouth. I know how the community reacts to situations like mine, and I know that I will become "enemy #1" when this comes out. Although I was the victim, I will be the one that will be seen as the attacker. I know that the family that is involved will do a lot of "damage control" with the situation. I know that many people of that family will also say that I am lying about the whole thing. For those that would say something like that, I can understand how you feel however you also know me well enough to know that I wouldn't lie about something of this magnitude.
I know that many people will have to listen to his/her hearts when it comes to knowing that I am telling the truth. I know that there will be a lot of people that will not be able to feel sorry for himself/herself about not seeing the situation at the time it happened. My family will suffer a lot through it because of how close my family is with the other family that is involved. I know that the other family may become a separated family in the process because of the attitude with the situation. I know of the pain & suffering that will be involved, however it doesn't even compare to the pain & suffering I have already gone through.
I may have gone through a lot of pain & suffering throughout the years, however it will be only a fraction of the pain & suffering I will go through when the secret is finally out. I know that there is a chance that my family will reject me, and go to the side of the other family involved. I also know that there will be a lot of rumors about everything, flying around because people just like doing stuff like that. I know that many people that know me will need to decide to either cause me more pain & suffering, or help to defend me. These decisions I cannot make for anyone, however I do know that people will have to choose which side to be on.
My mind is becoming more erratic, the more "mood swings" I go through. I will be going through a lot more "mood swings" as the time continues on. I know that I may lose parts of my family through telling the truth, however I am prepared for those sacrifices because the truth needs to be known. If I hide from the truth any longer, I will cause myself more pain & suffering than I have had in the past. My sanity has been in question, by myself, for a number of weeks. The more I question myself, the worse I feel about what has already happened. I know that I can sacrifice my sanity to protect everyone, however if I did such a thing I would have to lock myself up in the "mental institution" for a long time. I know that my sanity wouldn't recover from doing that again, and I will not do that type of pain & suffering to myself for anyone ever again.
Time is the factor in this. I need to end the pain & suffering that I have been feeling due to my past. The skeleton will be let out of the closet, and released into the world. I will not stand by and sacrifice my own sanity any longer, and time can only tell if the pain & suffering will ever end. I know that the community will do many attacks against my sanity, and I know that those around me will start to have "bulls-eyes" on them because of the association with me.
It is said that time will heal all wounds. That saying may be true, however I do not believe that wounds like mine will ever heal. I have spent many years trying to heal, however it hasn't come yet. I will not be able to heal without having the past released, and my depression ended. Time may be able to heal all wounds, but mine are ones that will take longer than anyone else's. Time can only tell how much time is required.
As I get more stressed out about everything in my life, the more the thoughts become erratic. I have the thoughts dealing with the stress I am feeling. I have the thoughts that involve my friends. I have the thoughts that deal with the secret I have been burdened with for so many years. I have the thoughts of how things will change when the secret is finally released. I have the thoughts of how I will be able to continue after the secret is released. I have the thoughts that deal with what would happen to me if I just stayed quiet instead of releasing the truth. I also have miscellaneous thoughts about friends. All these thoughts have been surfacing. Every time a new thought surfaces, the more I feel that I am being overwhelmed by everything.
The closer I have come into a different stage in my depression, the more erratic my thoughts have become. I know that I have a lot of negative emotions that are buried inside of me. I also know that I will have a lot to deal with when the secret is finally out. The negative emotions that are buried inside of me are very overwhelming at times. I know that there are positive ones in there somewhere, however I haven't had any surface in a long time. Thankfully the strong front that I have been putting on for the past month (or so) hasn't faded any. My family knows that I seem to be a little distant lately, however no one really suspects anything.
It is unfortunate that I have to hide something like this from my own family. This secret will devastate my family, and hopefully they can understand that I didn't tell them because I wanted to protect them. It is sad that I can say that I have been protecting someone without him/her knowing that they were being protected. So much time has passed since my family really took a good look at my life. When I started to put myself into a solitude situation, my family felt that it would pass. When the solitude started up, my depression had a huge hold over me. I must have some acting skills in me if I can make it seem like nothing is wrong, and people actually believe it without question.
My mind has been going through a lot lately. I have a certain amount of things that are going on in this month that has me concerned, and a little stressed out. I also know that I have a lot of things going to happen in the month of June too, and I will have to deal with them in the according manner. My mind has become very unstable, and keeping a train of thought longer than 5 minutes is rare. I have so many things that are concerning me that I cannot keep track of everything. There will be a time in which I will have to make an important decision. That decision has the ability to destroy my life, regardless of the direction I choose. My choice is to either destroy myself and let the secret die with me, or to let the secret out and destroy everyone around. I don't win in either situation, and there will be a lot of pain & suffering that someone will have to go through.
As time passes by, and the more I think about my situation, I realize that I will be seen as a mental disturbed person. I will be seen as a mentally disturbed person because I will be igniting a war that no one thought would ever come between myself and the family the war will be with. This war will destroy the community one way or the other, and the only way to not have this happen is for me to stay quiet. The problem with that is the fact that my mind cannot hold it back any longer. I have put my life on hold so that this secret can stay a secret. For me to continue with my life, as everyone else has, I will have to feel emotions again. I will need to feel emotions to the extent that everyone else does. I have had my emotions repressed for so long, I know that when I start making the necessary connections that I will be in more pain than I am now.
My heart has begun to heal, most recently. My heart has never really had a chance to heal, in my life, with everything that has happened in it. I have had two breakups, one big secret, a few crushes, multiple deaths in the family, and a multitude of breakdowns. I have never had the chance to let my heart heal in any of them, and now my heart is being given the time to do this. Where I am finally going to end my depression, regardless of the person sacrifices, I will be able to allow my heart to heal from some of the things in my past.
I am not an aggressive person, however when provoked I can protect myself. I have always had people that were willing to fight for me, due to the lack of physical abilities. I am not a strong person, however I am a defensive fighter so strength is not as important as speed. In the past, I didn't express any emotions. When people would pick on me, I wouldn't be brought to tears because I didn't feel the sadness to have them. I did gain some respect from other people where I was able to withstand a lot of verbal comments, and not seem to show any hurt from the verbal assault. I also seemed to gain friends due to that ability. These people became friends because they realized that I couldn't be offended by anything that is said to/around me.
It has always been said that the quiet ones are the ones you should fear the most. I agree with that statement because I can look at myself with that statement. Although I didn't have many outbursts in school, I did have some. When I had an outburst, many people learned that silence could be deadly because of the retained negative emotions that I would have. When I would have a "snapping period" (outburst), any amount of emotion that had been buried (since the last one) would be released all at once. This could be a dangerous thing if I am directing it towards one person. With that amount of emotion, channeled properly, can make me an unstoppable force to deal with. This type of emotional outburst was rare, however very dangerous when it happened. Whatever would happen during the outburst, I would "black-out" about until a few months later.
I can honestly say that even though most of my life is going to hell in a hand-basket, there is a positive side to it all. I am finally doing exactly what I have been told to do all of my life. I am finally standing up for myself and doing what is best for me. Ironically enough, the same people that have been telling me that all my life are the same people that I am about to wage a war against. I can honestly say that these people definitely didn't expect to have me as an enemy when I finally decided to do something for myself. It is going to be a war with a lot of casualties, but it will be a war that should have happened a long time ago. At least now there will be fewer casualties that will be directly involved into this war, than if the war was waged when it should have been.
I will be having a lot of support when this war is waged. The support may not be coming from my family, however I will have a strong amount of support to help me through this war. I will also have close friends to keep my sanity in a good place, and I will also have a cat to help me see the good in life. I have certain friends now that show me the good in life now, but the cat I will have will be around me more than my friends. I have always enjoyed cats more than any other animal, don't know why, I just have. I believe that this cat should be able to help me see the good things in life, when my friends aren't around. You never know, the cat may just be what I need to help me out of this depression altogether.
Thanks to this past weekend, I have experienced things I haven't experienced before. I didn't eat anything until late at night on Saturday. I also decided to drink alcohol shortly after, and for the rest of the night. I decided to actually sit down while doing the drinking. Those were the start of firsts for the night. I usually didn't do either one because I found that you couldn't drink that much liquor when you do them. I was right because I couldn't drink as much as I normally could when I didn't do them. I got through 5.5 bottles of liquor and got cut-off during the 6th one, that is why I got through 5.5 bottles. I also had a first the following morning, I actually had a headache in the morning (hangover). I had this until the late afternoon on Sunday, which really sucks.
I have learned from this experience to not listen to anyone when you are drinking. If a person says something that seems to be different compared to what you normally do, don't listen to them. If you listen to them, like I did on Saturday night, you will have a hangover in the morning. Next time I will be sure to do things my way, and I will be able to drink anyone under-the-table and not have a hangover in the process. I have done this in the past, although it has been a few years since I did any large amounts of liquor. People will learn the next time.
My mind is slightly more screwed up today because I have thought about many things, especially when I had a hangover for most of Sunday. Where I couldn't do too much, thinking was the only thinking that didn't hurt my head. I thought about everything connected to my depression, and certain parts did bring me to tears. It is the first time that I have had tears come to me when thinking about this depression. I wouldn't call it crying because it only lasted for a few seconds, but it did happen. This is the first time that I have had a connection to sadness in a long time. This can be a good sign, however time can only tell about this.
I also considered the friends I have now, and thought about which ones would still be friends after I face my depression. The day that I face my depression properly, in other words face off with the person that is the direct cause of my depression; I know that I will have a lot of emotions being expressed. Something as serious as what I have been dealing with will draw emotions from both sides. Whichever person doesn't express emotions when this comes out, will be the one that is seen as the horrible person. I have been dealing with everything for too long, and I will retain my sanity regardless of the sacrifices of friendships I will have to sacrifice to have my sanity.
I know that there is a lot of happiness amongst those around me, however a lot of that will be sacrificed, so I can have a chance for my sanity to return. My sanity has been in question for a while. I have control over my mind/thoughts right now, however I know that there will be a time that I may not. I have been trying to leave this depression so that I will no longer require the control that I have now. I have a lot of control over everything that I do, and the more that I am dependent on that control, the worse it will be if/when I lose that control.
For everything that I thought about yesterday, I know that I will be seen as the enemy by a lot of people. People will see me as the enemy because I am having the past resurface. Most people try to keep the past hidden from sight, and do not revisit the past unless he/she wants to. If a person, like myself, wants him/her to see something in the past; I will be seen as the enemy. This is realty in life, and there is no avoiding it. I have been connecting dots that deal with the past and the future. I know that I will have a rough ride through this all, and there is no real way to prepare for it. There will be a time that people will choose sides, and I hope that some of my friends stay on my side.
I know that time is against me. I know this because I have been losing a bit of control every now and again. Time is against me because the control I have, I have not been able to handle things as easily as I once did. The connections to my emotions may be increasing slowly, however in the process my control over the emotions is slipping. I don't express emotions easily however when I do, it is really noticeable. When a person doesn't have the ability to do anything with his/her emotions like me, it is difficult for the person to be around other people. It is difficult because you don't know if you are going to lose control of your emotions before you want to. That type of fear can force you to be away from other people, just to save yourself.
My mind is currently stable (normal) for now. I have had an interesting weekend with a few firsts, which are listed above. I do feel like killing my roommates right now for his/her actions of last night, however I will talk to him/her in a nice way. My roommates kept me up until a late time last night, knowing that I was the only one that was getting up in the morning. I didn't get much sleep last night, and my cat also helped out in that territory too. My cat decided that he/she didn't like being locked in one room, so he/she decided to scratch at every door. That cat I will need to teach how to sleep during the nights, however that will be something for another day to talk about.
I am a very tired person today. I know that after time there will be some improvements on things, however that is what will be determined after enough time has passed. I know that I will become more comfortable with my settings, and will become a better person when my depression is faced "head-on", however I also know that I will be in a lot of different moods as the time wears on.
I have a few friends that will be on my side throughout everything that the future has in store for me. I also know that I will have people treat me differently when he/she realizes that I was in a depression for the length of time I have been in. These things I can see because of the positively influence that they have on my life, however I can also see the negatively influences too. I can try to prepare for the worst, however no one can truly be prepared to lose friendships. No one can be prepared to lose any friendships because each friendship is developed through time and trust. To lose a friendship means that you have lost that time & trust with that person.
The mind can play tricks on you, at any point in your life. Sometimes it is small things, and other times it will be bigger things. The mind will do these things all depending on the attitude you have for the day. There are times to determine what your mind is going to try to trick you about, and there are other times that you cannot predict what your mind will do.
Recently I have been having problems determining what is real and what is not. With the preparation of the war that I will be engaging in, I have noticed that my mind has been playing the odd trick on me. My mind will tend to wander and make me believe that certain things, that aren't true, have already happened. My mind does this a lot lately, however that could be related to the stress that I was under last week too.
My mind is trickier than most other minds. With the type of history that I have had, my mind has become trickier after time. I can tell what reality vs. fiction is, however there are times that the fiction seems truer than the reality. This is when my mind starts to play tricks on me because my mind wants to believe in the fiction more than my real life. The experiences that I have had in life would seem more of a fiction based thing than being real, so there are times that my mind will turn to fiction to be able to identify real life. It is weird to say, but it is true.
I know that after a certain amount of time passes; a person will have important life-choices to make. My time is coming soon, however it is not like most other people. Most other people will have career-altering choices to make better known as a mid-life crisis. What I am going through is similar to a mid-life crisis, however it is different at the same time. I am going through something that can/will alter my life in a way, however it is also necessary so that I am able to continue with my life. If I am truly at a mid-life crisis, then I don't expect to live too long because of the age that I am at now. You can tell that I am rather young, now, to have a mid-life crisis.
The time is coming closer for when I have a war to happen. This war will make some friends to no longer be friends, and some friends to understand me better. Time is a constant and a variable with everything in the world. Time is with me and against me, as this war seems to get closer. I have very little time left to be able to engage in this war without causing bigger problems than if I wait too much longer. There will be a time that if I wait too long, the war will cause more trouble than I intend to cause with this war.
There is a time and place for everything. I have yet to build the courage to bring forth this war, and I know that time is beginning to run out too. I know that I will have to cause this war to fully regain my emotional structure. I also know that the war will help me see everything in a newer light than ever before. There will be a time that hell will freeze over, and the war will be over with. I know these things, however I have yet to be able to start the whole process. I do need to cause this war, however there hasn't been the "right time" feeling yet. When I know it is the "right time" I will engage in this war.
My mind may or may not recover completely when this war is finally happening. I know that there is a chance that I will regress further into my depression when this war is engaged. I know the risks to myself when the war finally happens, and I also know that it is the only way for me to regain my sanity. My sanity has been in question for many years, in my own eyes. Not being able to express emotions or feel emotions to the extent that I should be, I have been questioning my own sanity. I have sacrificed my sanity, partially, to protect everyone from the secret that I have been burdened with for a number of years. To protect the friendships that are all around me I have stayed quiet to protect everyone else. This protection has its limits, and there will be a time very soon that people will learn of a war. The war will be a large one, and it will not end easily.
Some people may want to have the courts involved, however I will not allow the courts to be used. This is a war that will be decided through the necessary people, and I will protect some people during this war. When I protect someone, people realize that I won't let anyone hurt them. This has been how it's been throughout my life. I have always protected others, regardless of the cost to myself. During the upcoming war that I will be involved in, anyone that I feel needs my protection will have it. Those that I protect will be those that I know shouldn't be involved in the war, however there are always people trying to bring the innocent into a war. An example of this is the Iraq war. The United States went into Iraq and tried to force Canada to join them. Canada is an innocent and thankfully the government saw no need to go to Iraq. Iraq is not innocent, and there is no way that the United States is innocent regardless of how they may feel about themselves.
In the past I have been an extremely powerful ally when I believe in the side I am fighting for. At the same time I have been an extremely dangerous enemy for the side that I was fighting against. I also do not fight on a side if I do not believe in that side, so I will normally stay neutral because I don't see the reason for the fight. Everyone that knows me, and those that have been in verbal disputes with me in the past know all of those things about me. When I say that I am going to war against a friend, and possibly a family, people know that it is over something serious. People know me not to challenge my friends unless it is over something serious.
I have always been known to pick my fights carefully. I have rarely gone to a fight without any understanding of the side that I was fighting for/against. I do what my guy tells me to do, and there have been no occasion that my guy has steered me wrong. There may be a time that I will be seen as an evil person, however with my guy guiding me that day is not near. I will do what is necessary to regain my sanity, and whatever emotions that are required for that sanity to return. I am a dangerous enemy when I believe in the cause.
I believe that the war is necessary to finally regain the sanity that I have lost. I currently do not have the courage to face-off against the friend that the secret deals with. I have protected that friend because I kept it a secret. I will no longer keep the secret because the secret has destroyed my personal sanity. I know my friends & family will look at me differently, and many of them I may not be around any more. I will do whatever is necessary, and my gut will be the one to guide me through the more difficult decisions. Those that won't know what is going on will know that the war started when I released a secret, however many people will not know what the specifics are.
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