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The mind is a mysterious thing. It has the power to be a great thing, or an extremely destructive thing. The mind is not truly one way or the other because everyone is different. There are some people that use his/her mind to destroy other people, or at least cause enough damage towards another person to hurt him/her. There are other people that use his/her mind to help himself/herself, and may help other people in the process. There are also a very few that fear his/her own mind and try to protect others from his/her mind. Each of these types of people exists in the world, however I have yet to meet someone that is willing to protect others from his/her own mind.
I treat my mind more like the third option that is listed above. As I have said I have yet to meet someone that is willing to protect others from his/her own mind, although my mind is that way. I have in the past chosen to withdrawal thoughts, etc. to protect other people. Proof of this would be to put myself into a depressed state. In putting myself into a depressed state I protected everyone in my area (home county) the outrage of my past (abuse). It is unfortunate that something like that was hidden from society, however it was necessary to cause minimum pain & suffering. I made people believe that the failed relationship, which I sent a person to the hospital over, was the primary reason for the depression. I have always been a defensive person, never offensive, and that type of anger was more offensive than anything else. The anger I felt on that day caught me off guard. To protect other people from that type of anger, I decided to do the full emotional shutdown; better known as my depression.
With the abuse as part of my past, I have been trying to understand how the abuse lasted as long as it did. I know that my subconscious began to protect me throughout the years that the abuse was happening. The proof of this is that for me to sleep, I would fold up into a ball. At the same time that I was in a ball-shape, my back would be as close to the wall as possible. In turn, it made it impossible for someone to touch me. I was also at one point a sound-sleeper, being that I didn't wake up for anything. After that experience, the slightest movement easily waked me up in my room by anyone. My subconscious was still effected by the abuse that I had sustained, however my mind was too "shutdown" for it to be affected. I also started to be able to sleep in small spaces. This allowed me to sleep in places that only one person could fit into, such as closets, trunks, chests, etc. It made people uneasy about how I could sleep in such small spaces, however my subconscious was causing me to do these things to try to protect me from the abuser. It is weird to say, but I believe that my subconscious was more aware of what was going on than what I was.
My mind has never been able to confront the abuse that I have sustained. I haven't allowed my mind to confront it because I "hated" myself for not being able to stop the abuse for the length of time it was going on. Where I have yet to confront the abuse, my subconscious is still having me sleep the same way since the abuse started. Where I am talking about sleeping patterns, I think you all know which type of abuse that I am talking about. The only reason that I have just begun to dig deep into my mind about the abuse is because of an unexpected conversation that I had this past weekend. I have been coming out of the depressed state that I have been in, however I have never truly confronted the primary reason for the depressed state. I talked about the reason, as a "spirit of the moment" type of thing. One of those times that something has been on your mind for a length of time, however never would have thought it could slip out so easily. This was the first time that I had emitted that I had been abused in the past. It was also the first time that I emitted that the abuse was the primary reason for the depressed state.
My mind has become unstable since that day. My mind more like Pandora's Box right now because of the unknown amount of emotions and thoughts that are rushing back towards my mind. Where I still do not have much emotional feeling in my mind, other than instincts, I am unable to process/understand a lot of the feelings that I am feeling. I am feeling more "lost & confused" than anything else because of this. I have been getting "flooded" with past memories that I have blocked for the length of time of my depressed state, so it is difficult to deal with them all at once. So in reality, my mind is just like "Pandora's Box" due to the multitude of things that are coming from the hidden-unknown parts of my mind. I am not sorry that I am finally looking at my past with such focus; I am just currently unprepared for so much at once. Today I have actually punched something hard (metal) just to cause my mind to focus on something else, so I could process what I have just begun to remember today.
I know that I am the victim of something bad, however I feel like it is still my fault (just as all victims do). I also have begun to fear what I am going to need to do to conquer these memories, especially where I refuse to become depressed again. I am too old to do that again, and God knows if I could come out of that again. I personally feel that if I were to go depressed again, the suicidal thoughts I had before could become reality. Depression is not a state of mind that anyone should experience. The self-destructive thoughts that a person will feel, mostly suicidal, can prove to cause more damage than the original reasoning behind going into that depression. I know this from personally experience especially since everyone thought that in the past I was just joking with the suicidal attitude, however I was serious for approximately 90% of the time. That is scary for anyone that knows me and how I was back then.
When a person blames himself/herself because of an experience negative/positive, the person starts to become self-absorbed. This is normal for anyone because all victims of anything will feel this way. There are always the thoughts that something else could have been done for one reason or the other. The thoughts of "if I were only stronger", "if only I would have said something", "if people were more alert", "it shouldn't have happened", and stuff like that. These thoughts will haunt any given victim of anything done against them. These are the thoughts that victims, such as myself, plague himself/herself with to try to sort through what has happened to him/her. It is difficult to sort through an experience like that because it is always difficult to accept that something like that could happen to you. People say that it is good to have family members know about this type of experience so that you have them to help you through the difficult times. I believe that in some circumstances this is true, however in most I believe it only makes it worse to have family involved. Although I am currently having difficulties to process everything that dealt with my abuse, I know that if my family were to get involved the process will become more difficult. To have my family question everything that you do after hearing about abuse and who it was, I would become worse off because they would understand why I became as private as I have become. I also know that my family would make the abuse a "public thing" which I would never do because I would want to handle this type of thing away from the public's eye.
The aftermath of having an abuse victim approach his/her abuser can be more mortifying for the victim than what people make it out to be. Everyone will say that it is better to approach the abuser and get it open to the public about that person, however 99% of these people do not know what they are talking about. When abuse is brought to the public's eye (society), people will treat you differently. As a victim of something so horrible, the abuse seems so minor compared to everything else that happens to you when the society is involved. Although the laws have changed to better the victims of abuse, the fact that society has yet to change, cases more problems than what people realizes that it causes. If I had confronted my abuser when the abuse was starting, there would have been an aftermath that I wouldn't want to see. The type of spectacle that would have come from the confrontation would have destroyed both my life and the abuser's life. That is something I still refuse to allow people to do to either of us. Things like abuse have the ability to haunt the abusers as time continues. When time finally ends for the abuser, the abuser will pay in full regardless of how "honorable" people think that the person is. The abuse will become the downfall of any abuser regardless of how long ago it was that the abuse happened. The fact that the abuse had happened is enough of fact to have "God" to make him/her pay for the abuse that he/she pushed upon another person.
I believe that in most cases it is best to have the abuse come out to show society that abuse exists in the world still, and it isn't going away any time soon. "Pandora's Box" is more of an unstable thing than what I could have dreamed it could be. I know that my situation of abuse did a lot of negative things to me, and my subconscious tried to protect me from my decision to "block" it out. "Pandora's Box" has caused me to think worse about myself due to the actions I took to act as if the abuse never had happened. I know I have caused myself more pain in my past, personally, than I should have. I know that if my family, or the family of my abuser, would ever find out about the abuse that the type of spectacle that would follow could be an extremely destructive situation for my area (home county). This type of thing, I know, has the tendency to tear apart everyone in my area (home county). The two families cover, between family members and friends, that much of the area (home county). This is something that I feel would be too destructive, and I will not be having the families know about the abuse, to protect them from society.
My mind, "Pandora's Box", was able to process a lot of the thoughts/memories that it has been receiving, yesterday. Thankfully I was shoveling snow for a better percentage of the day, so the physical effort was being transferred when doing the shoveling. My mind was able to sort through some of the past memories and thoughts that I had during those times. The combination of physical exhaustion from shoveling and sorting through my mind of those thoughts got me through the day. I don't have the physical exhaustion factor today because I did all the shoveling yesterday, so it will be more difficult for me to sort through the memories that decide to come to me today. I am actually able to focus on the memories primarily, so God knows how I will turn out today.
Hopefully I am able to sort through the memories, etc. in the proper accurate way before the memories are too much for me to handle. As it has been said, when you open "Pandora's Box" you can't stop what it lets out. My mind is just like "Pandora's Box" because I am unable to stop the flooding of memories that I had refused to remember. I know that it will take time to go through the memories of the abuse, and will take longer to get over the fact that I was abused in the past; if I can get over it at all. I also do not have the full access of my emotions yet, so having these memories is causing me to be more confused about my past than the memories would if I had those emotions. My instincts are what have been guiding me so far, and I can honestly say that it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my body the more I remember.
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