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I have been doing a lot of thinking about my friends lately. I have been faced with a choice that I am having great difficulties deciding. I am having great difficulties deciding what to do because the choice is to either keep the past in the past or to confront the past and lose a friend in the process. I am not prepared to do either of them, however one must be done.
In the past I went into a depression for a great length of time because of something that happened in my past. It involves this friend, however I chose to keep the friendship rather than have the situation come into the public's eyes. I have been having great difficulties emitting to the fact that this situation with this friend is the reason for the depression. I have always said that something else was the reason, however I can't put up that charade any more.
I know that if I confront this friend about the past, I will lose him/her as a friend. This is why I haven't confronted him/her about it yet because I cherish the friendship too much to have that happen. The situation in the past is something that I have kept hidden from the day that it happened to this day. I went into a depression to hide from the past, however I have discovered that doing that has caused more damage to myself, in the end.
Now I am faced with the issue that I was faced with in the past. I am faced with the need to confront this friend or not about the situation, and see if anything can be done about it. The problem is that the friendship I still cherish too much to allow to be destroyed, however I may not have a choice in the matter. This is something that needs to be confronted, and realized how much damage has been done to me.
I have yet to go to a therapist about this type of decision because a therapist might involve people that I do not want to be involved, namely the police or my family. This is one of those things that you have had buried for a long time, however you had never needed to confront. For me to come out of this depressed state completely, I will need to confront the reason for the depression in the first place. It is a complicated situation, which is taking its toll on me.
I have so few friends right now because of the depressed state that I was in for the better part of my life. I wouldn't let anyone get close to me because I didn't want to have him/her to realize I was hiding something so serious. I didn't want to let anyone close enough to me to realize that I was actually depressed, and not just a "prick". This was to protect myself from confronting the past, and to protect others from the knowledge (burden) of my past.
My life is a bit more complicated now, as I come out of the depressed state. I only decided in the late December 2002 to come out of the depressed state. I don't want to have any help from a therapist because of the fact that he/she would have to know everything about my past, which I am not comfortable telling people. I have only told 2 people in the first place about my past because these are the 2 people I trust enough with the information. The first was a "spur of the moment" thing, however the second was because I was too torn up (inside) to deal with it on my own.
I have done some research into the situation and have discovered that I need to take care of my decision within the next 6 months. This time limit has been set because the depression was created when I was hiding from this specific situation. For something like this to be brought to the surface in my mind, it is recommended by many people (websites) to that only a certain amount of time be allowed. This time limit has to be set because there is a chance that I may accidentally revert back into the depressed state by accident. This is something I cannot have happen either.
I am in one of those "lose, lose" situations. If I confront my friend I will lose him as a friend, and if I let it go I will be depressed again. During the time that I was depressed, I was also very suicidal. I never made any attempts on my own life because I considered how much pain & suffering that friends & family would go through. This was the only thing stopping me from doing "the quick way out" (commit suicide). It is a harsh thing to say, but it is the truth. Most people when they start considering suicide do not consider others.
My true nature when dealing with other people has me putting others before myself. I will try to protect other people before I protect myself. If I am able to protect others by hurting myself, I will; however there are limits to everything. To protect my friend I went into a depressed state. This protected him/her and both of our friends & families from the situation in the past. The problem is that I cannot do the depressed state this time. I will not go into a depressed state to allow this situation to still not be taken care of.
I will not sacrifice my friendship with this friend either. So I am trapped between my true nature, and my ethics. If I go against my true nature, I will be unable to look at myself in a positive way again. If I go against my ethics, I cannot trust any decision I make again. So I am really trapped this time, and I am going through a lot of headaches trying to figure this one out.
Well time is the only thing that is on my side for now, but that soon will be against me. I just hope that whatever I do decide, I am still alive after the decision.
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