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04-15-02 · 11-18-03 · 11-27-03 · 02-03-04 · 02-09-04 · 03-02-04 · 03-09-04 · 03-23-04 · 03-29-04 · 04-19-04 ·
There are many that believe that people that are friends do not have to be an alliance, and vice-versa. I have found that alliances do not have to be friends, however friends do have to be an alliance at times. If you have a friend that is not an alliance, you may not agree with that friend on anything. If you do not agree with that friend on anything, it sounds like that friend is more like an enemy than a friend.
I have found that when a person doesn't express emotions as well as every expects a person to; all that person really can sense are alliances or loyalties. If you can honestly say that you sense alliances or loyalties to someone or a group, then you can say that they are your friends. The closer that you feel you are to the alliance or loyalty, the closer the friend you have. It is also common to have people judge you according to the way you act around your friends vs. other people, for those whom judge this way are those that aren't sure how to act around you.
An alliance may be formed due to you are in a fight with someone, and someone else decides to help you. This type of alliance may not last long enough to become a friendship, however you will sense a form of loyalty to this person during the fight. This is actually better known as an acutance. This is usually what happens with a situation like this because it is expected that neither person will ever see the other again.
Friends are hard to describe. I have problems myself because I don't express emotions the ways that I am suppose to, I block as many emotions as possible. I find that a friend is a combination of loyalties and alliances. You have some things that are in common with a person, and then you see how close of a loyalty you have for that person. This will show how close a friend this person is. This may seem weird to some how to look at it, however it is actually the same way that everyone looks at a friend. It is the same because I look a person and use loyalties to see how close I am to that person, but most others would see how close they let the person to the emotions (and how their emotions react to the person).
I feel that emotions can cause more harm than good when it comes to friendship. If a friend is to follow their emotions to determine whom their friends are, it could cause misjudgments depending on the situation. You could feel that your friend would support your decision on an argument, and the friend could feel differently about it in which would cause you to fight about it. If a person were to use loyalties as a way to determine their friends, the person would already know how their friend feels about the subject.
Real friends in any case will stay with you through thick and thin. They will help you when they can and torment you at times to have a little fun with you. Tormenting someone (your friend) is only good when they know you are joking. If the tormenting causes the person to react physically or negatively, that means that they didn't know you were joking around. There is always a fine line when someone is tormenting someone else, however if it is a friendly one, the line is further away than what it is when it isn't friendly.
Those that say that they are friends to you and you find them bad mouthing you behind your back are the friends that pretend to be friendly however are more like bullies. They be as nice to as possible when you are around however when you aren't around watch out. This is the type of person that uses emotions against you, however if a person is judged by their loyalties a person that is closer to a bully is more noticeable. You would be able to see how the person's loyalties work, and no matter how good a "con-artist" the person thinks that they are, the loyalties in general will show the truth. Emotions can be faked - many have proven this, however loyalties cannot be faked due to every loyalty is tied in with the ethics of the person. If the person has no ethics (anything goes) I find that it is best to stay away from them no matter what because that type of person can get you in trouble quite easily.
It is always good to develop as many friendships as possible throughout life. It is good to be able to share yourself with others. It is also good to be able to be around other people and having some trust with the person. As life goes on, you will be able to talk with any of those friends when you need to. The more friends that you have, the better chance that if something bad happens (you get depressed) your friends will be able to help you get better.
Having a lot of friends is always good. Even if you are unable to see those friends a lot, it is always good to have them nonetheless. Having friends will help you out in life. When you have a lot of friends you can go visit some when you are not talking to the other friends. This allows you to still be social in a way, and not have to be alone a lot. If you have very few friends, you will have a higher chance to be alone most of the time. This is true especially if you live a longer distance than either of you are willing to travel every day. This would mean that you would only be able to see them on the weekends. This makes for very lonely days.
It is always good to make new friends. Many people do not realize it, but part of customer-relations is to seem open to a form of friendship with the customers. When a person works in any environment that deals with the public, you will need the customer-relations skills. When you having returning business from a customer, you seem to be a little more relaxed with the person. At times you are able to joke around with the customer when he/she starts to become a "usual". It is good to be able to treat a customer as a friend because it just seems right to do stuff like that. It will also help create an atmosphere to have the customer do return business with you.
To make new friends is difficult at times. It is difficult to trust someone new. If you seem to kind, people will be wandering what your "game" is because it is very distrustful to have someone be extremely kind. It just seems to be weird at times, where most scam-artists will use that way to gain your trust. Everyone is defensive when around new people, especially if the new person seems to be "too kind".
From personal experience, I can say that it is difficult to create friendships. Most people have a hidden reason to become your friend, and I have done that in the past. I have several friends that the hidden agenda for me was to have protection from everyone else. I am not a physical person and in any given school you have bullies. Bullies will always pick on the people that will not fight back (especially with punches), so having friends to protect me was always good. My current closest friends are like family to me. The ones that are older than me are like older brothers. As I have learned in the past, siblings are the only ones that are allowed to beat on you; if anyone else (like bullies) try to beat on you the siblings will stand up for you.
I have always been able to talk to anyone, without a concern if he/she was a stranger or not. I seem to be able to talk to older people better than people of my own age, or younger. It is easy to talk to the older people because they will always talk to you nicely. I have found that some people in my own age-bracket will think that you are nuts when you try to talk to them. It seems to be more difficult to start a conversation with the younger people because it is difficult to find a subject that they are willing to talk about. Older people will talk about anything, especially if it is to criticize the government.
I have found that it is difficult to make new friendships. This is true especially because of the friends I currently have. There are no problems when I try to form friendships with any males, however when I try to form them with females, my friends become difficult. As it has been said for generations, men are pigs; well this is true for most of my friends. It is easy to tell my friends that the girl and myself are just friends, however it is difficult to make them understand it. As I said, men are pigs. Certain friends of mine will try to say that I am looking for something more than friendship with the girl, no matter what I say about it. It becomes difficult to have a friendship with a girl with that type of attitude from those friends.
Most of the female friends that I have are friends of friends, family of friends, former classmates, or family. Where I have had problems "opening up" in the past to people, I have had difficulties being able to make friends with females outside those four areas. I do have a few female friends however not many. I have found that making a friendship with no hidden agenda is the best way to start the friendship. To have a hidden agenda, such as trying to sleep with the girl, is the wrong way to go. It is the way to go for a "one-night-stand", however not the way to go to be friends with the girl.
When the friendship seems to be strong, and it seems that you and the other person are close, then you can be more open with them. It is especially good to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex. I say this because it is always good to have the opinion of the opposite sex about everything. It gives you the ability to see what is wrong with an idea without actually going ahead with the idea/thought. For example, getting an "honest opinion" about this site before I actually put it for the world to see. A member of the opposite sex has told me, that it should be good to see what others think. I have been also told that I am nuts for some of these thoughts, by people that didn't know what the thoughts were going to be used for. The honest opinion I have received from the opposite sex is all I needed to help me see that I could be doing something good after all. It shows that I put more trust in that friendship than I do with the other people's friendships.
It is easy to make friends. It is also easy to fight with friends. The difficult thing to do is to stay friends after any fight. Hopefully any time you and your friends have fights, they are really disagreements not real fights. When it comes to disagreements, both you and your friend are civil about the matter. If it is something that causes you and your friend to not be civil, it could cause a lot of yelling. The problem with doing something like that is the fact that your friendship could get "rocky" due to the fight. This happens to many friendships nowadays.
I have seen friendships hold through hard times, and I have seen friendships end during hard times. It is sad to see a friendship end, regardless of the circumstances. I have also seen friendships become weaken after time, which means to me that there isn't enough time any more for that friendship. I have seen this happen a lot to many people. The strongest of friendships die when the two people no longer have the time to spend with each other.
Being able to develop friendships with new people is necessary in life. If a person is unable/unwilling to make new friends, the person is destining to be alone. I can say this because this is how I saw myself, at one time. I was unwilling to make friends with new people (outside of the current family/friends circle); due to I was in a form of depression. I saw no reason for it, so I refused to do so. I was in this type of state for approximately 10 years. It took me a long time to realize that my way of thinking was wrong. I had blocked all of my emotions so that I could function in the real world without a care about it. For anyone that knows me now, they can honestly saw that I was truly depressed back then compared to now. It is sad to say however it is true.
I have been developing new friendships more and more, now. I took myself out of the depressed state approximately 11 months ago, so almost a year. I was looking at life at the most negative way possible. I didn't care how it looked, so I continued to be that way. I found it was easier to be that way so that I could go through school/college without any distractions. I have found, especially when I look back at how I was during that time, that it was a large mistake to allow myself to be that way. Approximately 11 months ago I decided to stop looking at life that way, and brought myself out of the depressed state I had been in for the past 10 years. It is rare to be able to do that without a lot of help, however it shows that it is possible.
I have created many friendships with many people over the last 11 months. These friendships have helped me see many of my own faults that I didn't see in the past. Also for the past 5 months I have become more positive, in general. I have found that some friendships can have a greater affect on you than others. I have found that with certain friendships, I have become a better person than I could have thought possible. I have also realized in the past few months that there are certain friendships that can grow as you are learning more about yourself. This type of friendship, in my opinion, should last a lifetime. It is rare to find a friendship/bond that is this strong, however when they happen you try to keep that friendship/bond no matter what. You can have other friends/family telling you that the friendship shouldn't exist the way that it does, however you don't need to believe them. You can sacrifice those opinions to make sure that the friendship exists. These opinions are from people that do not understand the feeling of having this type of friendship/bond without having another reason to be around the person.
When you create friendships with anyone, there is always speculation about why you want to be friends. This speculation is normal for any person to feel because it is a form of paranoia that exists in every one of us. Many of us use paranoia as a way to be defensive without showing a defensive front. For when I was in my depressed state, my defensive front was "why would you want to be my friend". This was always used because I never had any emotional response to anything. I would always seem to be a jerk where I would not show/feel any remorse for any of my responses/smart ass remarks. Being seen as a person like this didn't bother me because I was too depressed (at life) to realize that something was wrong. I am glad to say that I am not like that any more, however this website may show otherwise.
Through my most current friendships it has been proven to me that I am a good person. Although I still don't see myself as a good person, I have been told it. I have been told that I am a levelheaded person, which I still don't think is true and laugh when I am told this. It has also been said, thanks to my current friendships, that I am a very open person. I can honestly say that I believe this now because of this website. I am willing to have people look at this website with all of these thoughts. It shows that I do not fear the opinions of people any more because no one can say worse than what I have said about myself. This is true due to the fact that I have been depressed in the past (so the worse is there), and the friendships I currently have show me who I truly am (the positive side).
I know, thanks to my friendships, that I am a good person now. There is almost nothing in the world that can change the way I feel about that. I also know that I talk/think in circles, however everyone does once in a while. Many people will not emit to the fact that they go in circles, but they can't stop the truth from being said. Most people will say that this site shows what a "truly mentally deranged person" really thinks, however that is a common response from someone that fears this website. For the friends that do not know that I have this site, I know you understand why I have kept this from you. For the friend that knows that I have this website, I am thankful for your input. The friendship that we have seems to have made me stronger, and able to deal with the real world a lot better than I could without this friendship.
It is difficult for me to emit that I need help with anything. This is true for a lot of us. I have found that the friendships I have, have allowed me to see myself as they do. I have also seen myself how I use to be, from those same friendships. With only one certain friendship I am able to see what I could be after time. It is difficult for me to emit that I wouldn't have seen myself in this way without this friend. I have never allowed anyone to get close enough to see how I think; who I really am, or that I am a good person. I have always kept that hidden due the fact I didn't want to show any weakness (or what I thought was a weakness) with anyone.
I know that currently I have been more open about my thoughts than ever before. I know that it is from meeting the new member of my family, during the past weekend. I also know that my mind is more of a jumbled mess than ever before too. Hopefully the friendships that have guided me this far are able to help me through this bit of a mess. I know some friendships I have will be a little shaken with this new development (way of thinking), however I hope that all my friendships can grow stronger because of it. The experience of seeing this new relative has caused me to be more open with my thoughts and hopefully not open for attacks from other people. This should be the ultimate test for any of my friendships. This should show me which ones will stay with me to the end. I depend on my friendships to help me through life and if end so will my life. Where I cannot see one without the other, it is good to know that the friendships will be around for my lifetime.
Having friends is necessary in life. You can have the odd alliance with a person and have the acquaintance, however to survive in the world you need friends. There are too many people in the world that try to take advantage of you for any reason, and you need your friends to help you when these people come around. Many people that try to take advantage of you will do it right away, however the more dangerous ones will wait for the right time to do it. Having friends will help you protect yourself from people that will take advantage of you. It is wrong, in my mind, for people like this to exist because I cannot see myself doing something like that.
Most times that a person waits to take advantage of another person, the person is waiting for the "right time". For the people that take advantage of other people, I believe that those that wait are the worst ones. Usually when the person is waiting for the "right time" it is going to be in the form of sexual relations (rape) or abuse of other sorts. When you have friends, your friends will meet anyone that you want him/her to meet. If a person is looking to take advantage of you, your friends will be able to warn you early enough because many of these types of people cannot fool more than one person at a time. This is true because a person can lie to one person without tripping over the lie, however when the lie is told to other people it is possible to lose track of what you have said already. This is how your friends are able to warn you if you are being taken advantage of.
You can fight will any of your friends over any topic. Fights just mean small conflicts, however the conflicts will not end your friendship. When a friendship is being tested there is always a reason behind it. When a friendship is close to an end, there is someone (behind the scenes) pulling the strings to cause the friendship to end. It is sad when something like this happens because the trust that you accumulate for the friendship is lost when the friendship is destroyed. Without any friendships of any kind for you to have/experience, you are an empty shell going through life. When a person is like this, it is sad because no one should ever know that type of loneliness. That type of loneliness can cause a person to go insane because of the lack of trust with other people that this person would have with the world. This type of loneliness can cause a person to consider suicide, or this person could consider killing everyone around them. It is a very destructive way to live, and in many cases death will happen one way or the other. The reason I say this is because you cannot save a person that is unwilling to be saved.
The friendships that you have in school can seem really strong at the time, however when you leave school comes the big test. Many friendships will no longer exist because you will not have any time to spend together. Being in school could be the only time that the friendship could exist, and when you leave school the friendship will diminish. It is sad to see friendships end regardless of the situation, however some friendships are also made to last the test of time. There will be friendships that you will have from the start of life to the end of life, however being able to trust someone that much is the key. The bond for that friendship will need to be strong enough to take the abuse of time. These friendships are the ones that you need to hang on to because these friendships will help you in life.
There are some friendships that are strong now, however something in the past could weaken that friendship if the past is reawakened. I have a friendship that is like that. I have some "demons" in my past that involves a friendship that I currently have. This friendship has existed for a better percentage of my life. During the friendship, around the middle, the trust that I had with this friend was bent against me. It is unfortunate that such a thing happened, especially where the friendship was bent to abuse me. The abuse is a "demon" in my past that could destroy the current friendship because it was something that shouldn't have happened in the first place. I have felt a "rift" in that friendship, however it will not destroy the friendship because I will probably not bring the past into the light. I treasure the friendship more than I thought and have lost some trust in that friend, but I still consider him/her as a friend.
With Valentine's Day only a couple of weeks away, it is good to have friends to celebrate the day with. Although this day is supposed to shared with the "loved one" in your life, I have always celebrated this day with my friends. This year I will be doing some planning for this Valentine's Day because I will celebrate it with someone that has never done anything on Valentine's Day. I see this as being sad, even though I have a thought on this website that "rips apart" Valentine's Day; I still celebrate the day with my friends. It is especially sad when this friend has gone out with people and the "loved one" didn't see the need to do something special for him/her, which is just weird. I have been told by family/friends that when you have a "loved one" to celebrate Valentine's Day with, the last thing you do is nothing for that day. I think the exact quote I was told about doing nothing for Valentine's Day with a boyfriend/girlfriend is "the instant and most easiest way to end a relationship would be not to do anything on Valentine's Day". So you can just imagine my reaction when this friend told me that he/she has done nothing in celebrating Valentine's Day in the past.
Friends have the power to help you when you don't want to be helped. I know that I have used the power of my friendships, in the past, to help me through difficult times. Having friendships is necessary to accomplish many things in life, and most of them involve with your personal success at maturity. Being able to become mature is a long a difficult time in anyone's life. Many people, such as myself, refuse to "grow up" however are still mature at the same time. I can thank most of this to my friends because they have shown me that you can still have "fun" and be mature at the same time. The rest of it I can thank to one of my siblings. If this sibling didn't show me that "growing up" seemed to mean the sacrifice of the free time for "fun", I wouldn't have refused to "grow up" myself. People say that siblings don't help each other; however in my case I think that this time was in adverted.
Life has many unexpected challenges and as long as you have your friends, nothing is too hard to get over. This is the truth and anyone that says otherwise; does not have the friends that are necessary in life.
Friendships are necessary for life to seem worthwhile. When you have friends you must know the boundaries not to cross, and how to obey/respect those boundaries regardless of what those boundaries are. These boundaries may not seem too important to you, however your friend(s) may seem to think otherwise. To keep a good relationship with any friend, you must respect his/her wishes. I wish I could see this stuff before I cross over this stuff.
When a person is isolated from the thinking of the world, the person tends to not obey the boundaries that other people have setup. The person may seem to think that spending as much time as possible with his/her friends is more important than asking permission to do so. This is wrong, as I found out the hard way. I have always thought that spending time with your friends, regardless of the time it is, was okay because we were friends. I found out that it is possible to "smother" someone with the intensions of friendship. I have always shown up at my friend(s)' work/home a lot without asking if it was alright because I knew that he/she would be happy to see me. Unfortunately I just found out that there are limits to how much time you can spend time with your friend(s).
With not knowing the limits/boundaries that people set regardless of which you are has caused me to exceed them with a friend. I have yet to fully understand the reasons behind the limits/boundaries, however I am also willing to obey them regardless. The reason I do not understand the reasons behind the limits/boundaries is because this is the first friend that I have had that has setup these limits/boundaries. I feel extremely close to this person, however being told that I am "smothering" him/her I something I am still having difficulties understanding. This will be one of those things that I will have to learn from as it happens. You could say that I am a little ignorant (lack of knowledge) about limits/boundaries that others set on friendships.
I seem to only learn through bad experiences, for example this time. I didn't see the harm in spending as much time as I did with this friend. He/she didn't say anything about decreasing the time until recently when he/she told me the phrase of "smothering" him/her. I had begun to think about the time I was spending with him/her just about a week before hand, however knew that if I was spending just a little too much time that I would be told this. Now it seems that it should have dawned on me before this to "back-off", however I am not that smart.
When I seem to do something wrong, it is never something small. The day that I do something wrong and it is a small thing, will be the day that hell freezes over. For someone like myself to learn it has to be something big, or else I will not see the harm that is associated with the problem. As it stands, I am finding it very difficult to understand the "smothering" that I was doing to my friend; however understanding is not necessary to obey the friend's wishes. I will obey his/her wishes because I value the friendship to the degree that I will obey whatever I am told, regardless if I understand the reasoning behind it.
This problem has arisen because of the Valentine's Day stuff. I have been brought up to think, thanks to my friends, that Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate the friendships that you have with your friends. I tried to plan that day with a specific friend to celebrate that day with a couple of my friends and myself, however it seems to have backfired. I didn't consider his/her feelings and seemed to become someone that I said I would never become, which is someone that would push and didn't consider anything else. This is someone that I refuse to be because it is the type of person that craves power. To do something like that to a friend such as him/her was wrong and I have been beating myself up, mentally, for it.
It has been acknowledged that it was a good thought that I had done for this friend, however I did the wrong way because I didn't consult with him/her enough to realize the problems. Now I have caused a ripple between this friend and myself that time can only fix. I hope, to the bottom of my heart, that I haven't caused a big enough ripple in our friendship that can't be fixed. The "smothering" that I seemed to have been doing, I will stop by doing just as he/she has told me and that is to stay away from him/her for an extended amount of time. I am not sure how much time is required, however to save our friendship I will stay away from him/her as long as it takes.
If this specific friend is reading this, I would like to say something. I am very sorry that I exceeded the boundaries that you have setup for our friendship. I will do as you commanded and stay away as long as is needed. I also would like to say that our friendship is too precious, in my mind, to sacrifice for anything and I will limit the contact that I have with you. I will limit the contact with you because I do not want to destroy the friendship that we have. It has been a lot to take in for me, and my mind has difficulties to process a lot of information at the same time. I will respect your wishes and stay away from you as much as possible. I will not "aim" for your shifts at work so that you can have all the peace and quiet that you need, and also I will not be seen at the house whatsoever until you say it is alright again. I would like to go blading with you when you go, however it is your call for that one too. I hope that our friendship can survive this because it would be sad to see a wonderful friendship like ours to end over something like this. I am so sorry to not seeing the problems with doing the Valentine's stuff with you where you see the day differently than I do. Perhaps next time that we talk that I will learn to either keep my big mouth shut, or to realize that you may see things differently than me.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about my friends lately. I have been faced with a choice that I am having great difficulties deciding. I am having great difficulties deciding what to do because the choice is to either keep the past in the past or to confront the past and lose a friend in the process. I am not prepared to do either of them, however one must be done.
In the past I went into a depression for a great length of time because of something that happened in my past. It involves this friend, however I chose to keep the friendship rather than have the situation come into the public's eyes. I have been having great difficulties emitting to the fact that this situation with this friend is the reason for the depression. I have always said that something else was the reason, however I can't put up that charade any more.
I know that if I confront this friend about the past, I will lose him/her as a friend. This is why I haven't confronted him/her about it yet because I cherish the friendship too much to have that happen. The situation in the past is something that I have kept hidden from the day that it happened to this day. I went into a depression to hide from the past, however I have discovered that doing that has caused more damage to myself, in the end.
Now I am faced with the issue that I was faced with in the past. I am faced with the need to confront this friend or not about the situation, and see if anything can be done about it. The problem is that the friendship I still cherish too much to allow to be destroyed, however I may not have a choice in the matter. This is something that needs to be confronted, and realized how much damage has been done to me.
I have yet to go to a therapist about this type of decision because a therapist might involve people that I do not want to be involved, namely the police or my family. This is one of those things that you have had buried for a long time, however you had never needed to confront. For me to come out of this depressed state completely, I will need to confront the reason for the depression in the first place. It is a complicated situation, which is taking its toll on me.
I have so few friends right now because of the depressed state that I was in for the better part of my life. I wouldn't let anyone get close to me because I didn't want to have him/her to realize I was hiding something so serious. I didn't want to let anyone close enough to me to realize that I was actually depressed, and not just a "prick". This was to protect myself from confronting the past, and to protect others from the knowledge (burden) of my past.
My life is a bit more complicated now, as I come out of the depressed state. I only decided in the late December 2002 to come out of the depressed state. I don't want to have any help from a therapist because of the fact that he/she would have to know everything about my past, which I am not comfortable telling people. I have only told 2 people in the first place about my past because these are the 2 people I trust enough with the information. The first was a "spur of the moment" thing, however the second was because I was too torn up (inside) to deal with it on my own.
I have done some research into the situation and have discovered that I need to take care of my decision within the next 6 months. This time limit has been set because the depression was created when I was hiding from this specific situation. For something like this to be brought to the surface in my mind, it is recommended by many people (websites) to that only a certain amount of time be allowed. This time limit has to be set because there is a chance that I may accidentally revert back into the depressed state by accident. This is something I cannot have happen either.
I am in one of those "lose, lose" situations. If I confront my friend I will lose him as a friend, and if I let it go I will be depressed again. During the time that I was depressed, I was also very suicidal. I never made any attempts on my own life because I considered how much pain & suffering that friends & family would go through. This was the only thing stopping me from doing "the quick way out" (commit suicide). It is a harsh thing to say, but it is the truth. Most people when they start considering suicide do not consider others.
My true nature when dealing with other people has me putting others before myself. I will try to protect other people before I protect myself. If I am able to protect others by hurting myself, I will; however there are limits to everything. To protect my friend I went into a depressed state. This protected him/her and both of our friends & families from the situation in the past. The problem is that I cannot do the depressed state this time. I will not go into a depressed state to allow this situation to still not be taken care of.
I will not sacrifice my friendship with this friend either. So I am trapped between my true nature, and my ethics. If I go against my true nature, I will be unable to look at myself in a positive way again. If I go against my ethics, I cannot trust any decision I make again. So I am really trapped this time, and I am going through a lot of headaches trying to figure this one out.
Well time is the only thing that is on my side for now, but that soon will be against me. I just hope that whatever I do decide, I am still alive after the decision.
I am the type of person that treasures all the friendships I have. When a friend needs help for any reason, I will do what I can to help that person. It is rare for me to say "no" to a friend because of how much importance that I put on friendship. It is also rare for me to have to choose between one friend over another for any reason. I will usually see what the topic is that is being disputed and decide which side I agree with, however there are times that I will just stay neutral because I don't want to take sides.
In the past I have told friends when he/she has crossed the line, and that I disagree with what he/she is doing. This past weekend was the start of something new. For every friend I have ever had, I have been able to become friends with his/her family. So in turn I have developed multiple friendships at the same time. Currently I have been pushed into a corner and I am afraid that the result of this could end up bad, if I stay in this corner too much.
This past weekend a parent of a friend verbally attacked me. The attack is because of his/her beliefs dealing with a current friend. Unfortunately this part of a friend is being highly prejudicial against this specific friend because of his/her history. This parent of a friend did become annoyed at me when he/she told me about the past of this specific friend and I didn't care because I already knew about the history. This parent of a friend has told me that this specific friend is "nothing but trouble" because of his/her past and believes that I shouldn't be around him/her because of this. This parent of a friend also told me of things that were just rumors, but told me the things believing that they were facts.
I am not the type of person that takes threats well. In the past I have had others threaten me and not get anywhere with the threats. This threat that I received this past weekend will be no different. The threat is to decide a side to be on. The threat is to decide which friendship I hold the most trust in, and whether I can live with the decision. In other words, my judgment has been challenged and the parent of a friend believes I will obey him and stay away from the specific friend. I have news for him/her.
I would normally agree with this person, however when it is something that makes no sense; I will not agree to it. Where the primary reason for this person to want me to stay away from the specific friend is because of his/her history. I am unable to agree with this person because I see him/her being prejudice. I am not a prejudice person, and I will fight for things I believe in. Where this type of threat has been issued to me as a prejudicial thing, I will be going against that prejudice.
I will be doing what I feel is right. It is rare for me to stand up against that specific family, however the prejudice that that specific family feels towards the specific friend is just wrong. I will not stand by and have a friend have a target on his/her back, and I will force people to realize that some histories should stay in the past. If a person is expected to get over things that happen in the past, the person cannot do this when others keep using that past against the person. I never saw this type of prejudice before because no one had attacked me verbally in this fashion before.
Now I have been preparing myself for a war. I was not involved in the dispute before because it was never brought to my attention that this type of thing was happening. Now that I have been brought in by accident through the verbal assault, there will be a rift in the friendship with that family with me. I will not stand by and allow a friend to be forced to relive his/her past because others won't let it die. I have always been a protective person for my friends and family, and in doing so became a powerful ally at the same time. The specific family is now going to realize that I will not standby and allow this prejudice to continue.
Many people would say that he/she would weigh out the different friendships and decide from that which side to go on. I am not that way, however that was how I looked at things during my depression. That is exactly why I always tried to stay neutral through any disagreement by any of my friends. It has been mentioned to me that there is a time that I will need to do things for myself, and not consider who may get hurt in the process. It has been mentioned that I need to do things for myself, regardless of what others think. This is going to be the first time that I don't care what other people think, especially where it is the right thing to do.
As many of you can see through this website, I am able to fight in a verbal fashion regardless of the topic. This fight/war (depending on person who says what it is) will be the first time that I have gone against this specific family on anything. Many people have told me, even this specific family, which I shouldn't take any "bull" from anyone and should use my backbone when I disagree with something. I have used my backbone once in a while and yet to use it to my fullest ability. This time will be the first time that I try to do that from the start.
Where I am facing a form of prejudice, I will be going by whatever my instincts tell me. I will be doing what I feel is right, regardless of what anyone thinks my reasoning is. When a person is trying to get over something awful from his/her past, it is impossible when others will keep reminding that person of the past. This prejudice that has formed because of the past is the reason why I have been involved. I probably would have never seen this type of thing from the specific family if the verbal assault never happened, however since it has I will be involved. I couldn't believe the verbal assault when it happened, however now I am glad that fate has decided that I needed to see it.
Being involved in this fight will be the first time that my family will see me do something that they wouldn't do. I know that many people feel that any form of prejudice is wrong, and will not tolerate it in his/her household. I also know that with most people you wouldn't try to fight against a family that you have grown up with, unless it was necessary. I also know that when this fight starts up that I will be asked to step aside by the specific family because they won't want to fight about this type of thing with me. With the friendship that I have within that family, the family will want me to be clear of the fight. I know that the friendship that I have within that family will be stretched further than what many people would be comfortable with, however I don't have a problem with that. I am doing what I feel is right, and will cause any conflicts that are necessary to stop this prejudice.
I know that it is more than one family that I will have to deal with, however this specific family should have more compassion than what it currently has shown. Where this specific family has told me to choose sides (indirectly), I will be choosing the side that I feel is right. When anyone tells me that I have to sacrifice a friendship because he/she says so, I will take that as a personal attack against my personal judgment. I will not respond properly to threats of this type. I will fight back against anyone who threatens me, and I will do this because no one has the power to force me to do something like that. No one can force me to do something like that because I feel that it is wrong for me to do something of those sorts.
Friendships are mainly based upon trust between you and the other person. When people try to tell you that the trust that you have with a friend is wrong, many people will want a good amount of proof of it. In my case the proof that was brought to me was just a bunch of prejudicial things. Where prejudicial things are wrong, in the first place, I decided right away that I wasn't going to listen to the person. I do need to find out how much of the specific family is prejudice against my friend, however that can be found out easily enough. When I am able to see how many people I am actually fighting against, I am able to prepare better for the war against the prejudice stuff.
I will not standby and allow this prejudice to happen. I didn't see the prejudice in the past because I had no reason to be involved. Now I am a friend with the person that the prejudice is about, and the verbal attack that I received on the weekend has involved me. Hopefully it is just the parents in the family that is being prejudice because it would be easier to fight the prejudice of parents than the kids themselves. Although I still don't know how much of the family that the prejudice is coming from, I do know that I will not back down from what I believe is right.
I know that the specific family will feel that I am fighting against them for a different reason. The family may try to have my family get me out of the "line of fire" with the prejudice. If my family is involved in anyway I can honestly say that they will find out that I will not be removed. Everyone that knows me knows that when my mind is made up about something that I will do whatever is necessary to do what I believe is right. This is how I can become a power ally, and this is why many people have problems when he/she becomes the enemy.
I am true to my word, regardless of the situation. If I realize that I was wrong, I will emit to my faults. If I feel that someone is being mistreated, regardless of what the reasons behind it, I will make others realize my point of view. For a situation like this one dealing with prejudice, I will be involved until the prejudice is removed. This will be a long battle and I will not back-down from the fight. This is probably the only time that I could be asked from both sides to back-down, and I still won't back-down. Prejudicial stuff shouldn't exist in the world, and I won't stand by when I have the ability to help stop the prejudice.
I can honestly say that this prejudicial stuff that I will be confronting against the specific family is the first time in a long time that I have felt that I can make a difference. Many other times I have known that it was a losing battle, however this time I know I can make a difference. It may be a small difference, however it is a difference nonetheless. I know that the community may feel the same way that the specific family feels about the specific friend, however that will not stop me from becoming involved. If my destiny was to stand aside, then the verbal assault I received this past weekend would not have happened.
I will not sacrifice any friendships when I am threatened to do so. I have never done that in the past, and I am not going to start now. Although I may not be welcome in certain households when I start to fight back against that prejudicial things, I know that I will be doing what I believe is right. It is wrong to do the prejudicial comments that have been done towards my friend, and I will stand up for him/her when anyone does such things around me. Some people do make jokes about the past and have yet to say the jokes to me. I can honestly say that any of those people that do those jokes around me will realize that I am not to be tested.
There will be many people that will be confused to why I will be involved in this fight. Many of them will be my family members, and others will be the ones that have been prejudice against my friend and his/her family. I know that many people will try to have me removed from the "line of fire" because many people will feel that I have no reason to be involved into the fight. I would have to disagree with anyone that would think that way. When something like prejudice is being involved to cause others pain, for any reason, anyone that can help fight it should fight it. The past can never be conquered if everyone keeps doing a form of prejudicial actions to remind us of the past.
In this case, the past needs to be removed from everyone's eyes. When a victim of something in the past is able to get over the past, then the public shouldn't have any reason to continue to remind that person of that past. With people constantly being prejudice against anyone with a bad history/past, the chances to have peace are slim. I would prefer to have everyone happy, however to do so means that the prejudice needs to end. To have the prejudice to end, the fight/war need to end with it. Time is the only thing that can predict when that can/will happen. Hopefully with having myself as part of the fight/war, I can help people see why it is wrong to do the prejudicial things that have been done already.
I have never seen such prejudice before in my life. Hell, I have seen a white person call a basketball team of black guys the "n" word before because the white guy was pissed off at a referee's call against him. The prejudice that is being done towards my friend and his/her family takes prejudicial stuff to a new level. For some reason people seem to look at the worst things in people and do not let those things go. This is why prejudice still exists, and why I will be standing on the side I believe is right.
Regardless of the time that it takes to make others see that the prejudice is wrong, I am willing to do it. I feel strongly that this prejudice can be removed, but only when those that are holding the prejudice see why it is wrong to feel the way that they do. I will be involved in this fight because I have been told to do something I didn't believe was right. I will do what is right, regardless of how many friends that I have to go against to do it. Everyone knows that I am protective over anyone that is a friend or family member, and they also know that I will do what I feel is right.
When anyone does anything that I consider a threat, I will respond in my fashion. My fashion has always been to go against whatever the threat was, and this time I have been put against a family that I consider long time close friends. This will be the first time that people see me fight against these people, and I hope that my family respects my judgment enough to stay out of it. If my family decides to "butt-in" and tell me that I am wrong, my family will realize that I will consider them the enemy. I will have my fight against my family if they seem to agree with the prejudice that is around my friend and his/her family.
I am not a person to take lightly. I do receive a lot of "bull" from a lot of people. I usually don't do anything about that "bull" however after time a lot of it becomes too much to not do anything about. I will do what I feel is right, regardless of who I have to fight against to do it. The dedication that I will be showing when I am fighting back against this prejudice is exactly what helps me become the powerful ally. This is why many of my friends like it when I agree with him/her and I am willing to fight on his/her side. When I believe in the fight, I will do whatever I can to make others see why my side is right.
The true test to any friendship will come now and again. Sometimes it happens when you see how well a friend is able to keep a secret. Sometimes you will insult that friend to see how much that friend will take before he/she will tries to end the friendship. There are many ways to test a friendship, however it is still possible to have that friend fake the response so that you will trust him/her anyhow. There are couple of tests of friendships that a person can do, however many people aren't prepared to do them in the first place. Those tests are similar to what I am about to experience with my friends.
When you go through a difficult time in your life, your friends are supposed to stand by you through that difficult time. Regardless if that friend is responsible for that difficult thing, that friend is expected to help you as much as he/she can. Currently I am faced with something very similar. I am taking myself out of a depressed state, which I started to do 15 months ago. I went into that depressed state because of something in my past that dealt with one of my friends. To protect myself and everyone else around us from ridicule I went into a depression. I did this because I wasn't prepared to deal with the harsh thing that had happened, and because I felt that the truth would just cause too much pain & suffering around either of us.
I became one of the more anti-social people when people wanted to get closer to me. Where I was in a depression, I would only allow people to get so close to me. The thing that is really interesting is that I am able to talk to anyone about anything, however I will not let anyone get close to me. It sounds weird but that is the way that I was/am. I was a friend to everyone in any class that I was in because of the ability to talk to him/her about anything that he/she wanted to talk about. Too many people did not see the depression; even my parents thought it was only a phase or a rut that I was going through.
I have gone through many things in my life, many of which my family is yet to hear about. One of those things is the past that I have kept secret for too long. I kept it a secret because of the negative effect that it would have on all of our lives. I refused to allow having that thing cause any pain & suffering to those that are around me. I protected everyone, without them knowing that I was, and I caused myself a lot of pain & suffering in the process. My family has only recently been told that I was in a depressed state for the last 12 years. It is sad when your family is not able to see that something serious is wrong with you, however that was because I wouldn't let anyone get close to me during those times. For some people, that type of action would show that there was something wrong.
I will be going through an extremely difficult time soon. I know that hiding from the past, as long as I have, needs to stop. I need to leave this depression, completely, regardless of the impact on my life. I have caused too much pain & suffering to myself, and caused myself to be unable to continue with my life in the process. I know that it sounds like I am no longer willing to protect those that I protected in the past, however it isn't like that at all. I have always done things for other people, regardless of the impact on myself and this has caused me to no longer feel normal. Everyone around me has told me that I need to start doing things for myself.
This will be the first time that I do something for myself, in a long time. I will be coming out of this depression completely. I started the process without any professional help, and was hoping that I didn't need any professional help. It has been brought to my attention that I am wrong. To come out of this depression completely, I will need to the professional help because of the mental strain that I will be under to do it on my own.
I have decided to go for to a therapist because I know that I have a "self-destruction" process that I will have to go through. The "self-destruction" process is everything I have repressed and the "self-doubt" that I have (times 30), released all at once. This can be very devastating to anyone that experiences it, directly or indirectly. This can be seen by other people as a "nervous breakdown", however it isn't. This "self-destruction" makes a "nervous breakdown" and "PMS" seem like child's play. The "self-destruction" has the ability to destroy everything/everyone I hold dear. It is very dangerous if I experience it in a public setting (initially). I have experienced it in the past but only when I began to repress my emotions.
I know that this "self-destruction", as I call it, doesn't seem bad to you but I know better. This is the type of thing that if I were in a public setting when I initially experience it, I would be taken to a mental institution for a long time. I know this for the fact that I literally lose control of what I do/say, which can/will have me locked up for a great length of time. This is why I call it a "self-destruction" because it will destroy everything if not controlled properly. Where in the past I wanted to repress things, I was able to go through the "self-destruction" easily. Now that I am trying to feel everything again, I may not be able to control myself during the "self-destruction".
I have yet to shed any tears about my past. I didn't express any emotion about the past, until this past weekend. During a conversation with a special friend of mine, I was able to finally express/feel some of the emotions that deals with my past. This is when it was brought to my attention to see a therapist because I am beginning to feel the emotions dealing with the past. Afterwards I was able to see that my "self-destruction" may be closer than I think it is. I usually see warnings in my behavior when the "self-destruction" is near, however I haven't seen any yet. Being able to feel some of the emotions that I have buried for so long may be making it harder to know when the time is near.
Time is a factor that may not be on my side. When I finally go through this "self-destruction" I will see who is actually my friends. If friendships end due to or because of my "self-destruction", I will know that those friends weren't really friends. If friends are to stand by you through anything, then those that leave during this "self-destruction" process are not worth having as friends. Those friends that stay with me, even after seeing the worst of me, are the friends that will be with me to the end of life. The problem is that suicide is a big consideration during the "self-destruction" process. It was in the past, and I expect it to be a big consideration this time through.
The future can only tell whether I will be a better person after this experience, or if I will be a worse one. I know that if this "self-destruction" comes at the wrong time, I hope my friends will be able to help me to the best of his/her abilities to help me conquer this. I know that it will be difficult for many of them, and I wish that I could protect all of them from seeing me that way. I know that people will have to see the worst side of you after time, and hopefully any therapy that I have will help me too. God have mercy on my friends & me because I won't during my "self-destruction".
Everyone should have friends because friends can help you when you are unable to help yourself. Friends will be there for you during good times and bad, and many times the tests of time will test those same friendships. During the test of time the friendships that can be destroyed, are the friendships that were not meant to exist forever. If time can destroy the friendship, then it shows that fate didn't want that friendship to exist longer than it did.
When you go something traumatic, your friends are supposed to be there to help you to his/her best ability. There are times that you have something happen to you that you cannot face your family about, and your friends would be your next source for help. Many times that you do something, or someone does something bad to you, you will tend to keep it to yourself. Some people have the courage to tell his/her family, and if he/she cannot trust the family then he/she will tell a friend.
There are also times that something bad happens to you because of a friend. Depending on what the thing is you may be able to tell your family about it, depending on how comfortable you are will the situation and your family knowing it. There are times that people will tell you that you have to take care of the problem yourself, however many times you will need help for those problems. The more that parents say to the children that he/she must work out the problems that he/she encounters; the parents are unaware that he/she is dealing with something serious.
Many times that a person is unable to face his/her parents about something, the problem needs to be addressed as serious. If you are unable to talk to your parents/family about something going on in your life, you should contact someone to help you with the problem. I know this now, however I wish I knew this back in the past. The past always has a chance to catch up to you after time. My past is coming back now because I am unable to continue without facing my past.
I have kept a secret for a long time. This secret was a situation that I felt that I had to hide from. This situation dealt with a friend and me. This situation happened during a time that I was too young to know that something wrong was going on. I also felt at the time that the friendship with the person was worth more to me than my own sanity. I went into a depression due to this thinking, and now I am faced with the same situation as I was in the past. The difference is that we all have gotten older, however this part of the past can no longer stay hidden. All skeletons tend to come back to haunt you after time.
Recently this friend's father verbally assaulted me about one of my other friends. The verbal assault was unprovoked, and has trigger a chain-reaction in the process. It is now known that this parent doesn't want me near this friend for some reason, however will not give a legitimate reason for his reasoning. I told the specific friend what this parent said, and he/she told one of his/her parents. His/her parent went to my friend's father and approached him about what was said. This looks like a nasty circle, however I am grateful that the approach happened. Now it is up to the intelligence of my friend's father to see what he will do next. As I understand, my friend's father is going to talk to me about this whole thing.
There are two possible outcomes that will be coming out of this situation. One outcome is that I will finally be able to tell my friend's father where he can go. I have been hassled by this person for too long, and at the same time he has told me "to grow a backbone". Unfortunate for him, he will see that I have one, however choose not to use it until I have been pushed too far. My friend's father will soon know that I will not tolerate the verbal assault, and he will have to choose between my friendship vs. the things said in the verbal assault.
The other outcome would involve my friend. I have all intensions to face my friend about our past together. I have had these intensions since I finally emitted to myself that our past together was the reason for my depression. For me to finally come out of this depression, and continue with life, I will have to face the past (regardless of the seriousness). For a person to protect another for so long can cause more damage to the sanity of you, than the friendship is worth. I have decided that my sanity is worth more than the friendship, and will end the friendship if necessary.
If my friend is involved into the situation with his/her father, I will be prepared for the worst. I have been told by my family to "keep the peace", however my family doesn't know the whole situation, they just know about the verbal assault. I have the current plans to face my past with my friend, at the latest three years from now. If his/her father feels it necessary to bring him/her into the middle of the dispute that has escapade to the degree it has, then that time frame may be decreased. A part of me would like to finally get it all over with as soon as possible, however another part wants to wait for the time frame to come.
There are so few people that know the truth about everything, and there are more that are learning about it as time continues to pass. I have yet to be able to confront my parents about the situation, however in time it will be time for them to know. Time is the constant that may be running out for my friend, and I can only prepare for the worst. My friend's father on the other hand is soon going to learn not to push me to the point for me to fight back. This is a lesson that he will soon learn and pay for in the process.
We all have friends, some are good ones and some are bad ones. We will have the odd fight with those friends too, however the fight shouldn't end the friendship. Some friendships are stronger than others. It takes a certain amount of trust to allow someone to become your friend. This trust can be betrayed at times if the friendship is built upon the wrong type of trust.
Many of us will hold secrets that our friends tell us because of the trust that the friend will have with you. To not betray that trust you will tend to keep any secret, secret, regardless of what the secret is. There are times that you will have to decide what is best for the situation because there are times that secrets need to be released. There are times that secrets must not be kept secret because of the seriousness of the situation. This can put a strain onto a friendship (possibly end it) on the short term, however for the long term it can be the best thing to do.
The trust that you earn with each friend will determine how close you are with that friend. The more trust that you have with a friend, the closer that you are with that friend. This goes the same with the comfort level with that friend; being that the more trust there is, the more comfortable you are with that friend. It is interesting to realize how trust can motivate so much at once. That same trust can have negative effects too.
In the past I isolated myself from the "real world". I kept an "inner-circle" of friends, and these friends were the only ones that I trusted. As the years past on and the different classes started to come, the "inner-circle" of friends changed. As I went into different grades/classes, more/less number of people would be in the "inner-circle". For the number of people that were in this "inner-circle" none of these people I trusted enough to know me really well. Although these people were within my "inner-circle", I didn't trust these friends enough to know all my secrets.
I am one of those people that are willing to tell you my honest opinion on anything. I do this because I enjoy talking with people, and seeing the different opinions that exist in the world. If a person's opinion can make me understand something more clearly, I will be able to learn from that experience. I have always been willing to hear anyone that is willing to give me some guidance with any situation, however I will not be so willing to take orders dealing with those situations. People have learned this most recently because of things that have happened in the past couple months.
As I have stated in the past, I am coming out of a depression. The reasons behind that depression have only stated within the last few months, and it is difficult at times to deal with everything because of those reasons. I have been changing around my "inner-circle" of friends because I feel certain ones need to be moved. After time, the trust you have with someone can change, so in that reasoning I need to reconstruction the "inner-circle" of friends. It is sad when I can say that a long time friend will be removed from this "inner-circle" very soon.
I can keep a secret until the end of time, if I feel that the secret requires it. I also know that it will be difficult for those around me to accept the fact that the long time friend is going to be removed. Interesting enough, I have had a person that was on the outside of this "inner-circle" jump past all of my friends to become closer to me than any of them ever have been. This person I feel closer to than anyone I have been close to in the past whether he/she was family/friends/other. This is the first person that has been able to help me in ways that I didn't know existed. This person is truly is what a friend is supposed to be like. This type of friendship, I believe, will last past the test of time.
For the complete restructuring of my "inner-circle" of friends, I know that many people will tell me that I shouldn't be around a certain number of the friends. I know this, and I don't care because what only counts is whether I feel comfortable with these friends. No one can tell me who I can or cannot be around because I am not the same person I was in the past. I know of secrets that people have told me to keep quiet about, and I know of secrets that I have been ashamed of to keep them quiet. Certain secrets will stay quiet however those that I am ashamed of will no longer be kept quiet. These secrets are causing me a lot of pain & suffering, and are directly connected to the root of my depression. Time has only made it worse, and it is time for me to stop being quiet.
I cherish every friendship that I have ever had. It is unfortunate to have friendships end, however I know that some friendship will need to end to make life better for myself. To make life better for myself will cost me at least one long time friend, and I hope that it lets me retain part of my sanity in the process. I have had a lot of control of my mind and everything connected to it, however my sanity has technically been sacrificed for a friendship. This is why my depression has lasted as long as it has without people really realizing that something was wrong. Most minds would have fallen apart by now, however I haven't because of the certain degree of will power that I have.
My will power is concentrated around protecting other people. To protect my family/friends, I went into a depression. Where I went into a depression I also protected the actions of a friend, which no one knew had existed, at least to my knowledge. A certain amount of research into the past has allowed me to know that something before me had happened, however no one told me about because it was believed that the problem was taken care of. If I were told about the nasty thing that was covered up in the past, the situation with me wouldn't have happened. Regardless of the friendship involved, I would have known that something was wrong and would have ended the situation. Where the nasty thing was covered up, I had no knowledge that the situation that happened to me was something that was wrong. I found out after time that it was wrong, but I should have been warned of the possibility.
I am currently in therapy. I am in therapy because I need help to end my depression. I know that I will need to confront my past to end the depression. I also know that I will need to end a friendship when I confront that past. It will become a devastating process when it finally happens. I will be around the friend that has done me so much wrong, this coming weekend. He/she will be helping with something, and this will be the first time since I started to battle against everything to have him/her to sleep in the same building as me. I have refused to sleep in the same building with this person because I have felt very uncomfortable to do so. The trust I have with this person is at a minimum, and I hope that we are able to discuss things after a while. I also hope that nothing bad happens this coming weekend too.
My "inner-circle" of friends will be really different compared to what I have has been in the past. My "inner-circle" of friends are the friends/people that I trust enough to have around me. I will not allow anyone that will hurt me to be within this "inner-circle". The reason for this is because the "inner-circle" has always been people I knew I could fallback on if I needed the help. I know it sounds weird, however this is what I used to get through life so far. It is unfortunate that this "inner-circle" has some corruption in it. There is one person specifically that I have recently (within last couple months) considered to be a corruption that needs to be removed.
My depression is the result of a negative situation that I was a victim of. It has taken me a long time to emit to myself that I am a victim. I also know that the friendship that is with that person, which made me be a victim, must end so that my life can finally continue. I have been in a depression for over a decade, and the time is still continuing. I do not have full contact with my emotions because I know that if I did I would not be able to be presented to anyone. I would not have any control of the emotions that I would feel towards this specific friend, and I also fear the result of that. I know that I have questioned my sanity, more often now than before, because of how much I am fighting to leave my depression.
Time is the question with the whole thing. I have friends that don't know anything is going on. I have friends that I have been re-informing as time passes, of how I am doing with everything. I have also family members that are starting to ask questions but want to stay neutral if the answers were to involve a specific family/friends. My entire situation deals with how I feel about everything. With the people all around me being as describe above, I should be able to find the courage to approach my attacker. Although my attacker is a friend, when everything is said and done he/she will no longer be a friend.
When something so serious of what I have gone through usually happens, a friendship would end. In my case I chose the friendship over my own sanity. This is the only way that the friendship could last after what had happened, however I now know that I made the wrong decision and wish to regain my sanity. The friendship that I have sacrificed for so long must be sacrificed now. In the past the friendship was priceless to me, however now I see that the friendship was not worth what I sacrificed for it.
As time continues on and the more that I deal with the depression and everything tied with it, the more I realize how difficult it will be to retain my sanity. I know that I have a big fight on my hands, which may become a war. I know that my friend has more respect in the community than me, and I have a high chance to be called a liar. Many people will believe that I am doing something that I will regret, however this is something that should have been done a long time ago. This is something that I have to do because it is the only way for me to have the full connection to my emotions that I require to continue in life. With the lack of emotional connections, I have been able to live with this horrible knowledge without any cares.
The problem with things is the fact that time will wear things down. My mind is unable to keep this secret bottled up any more. I am tired of having these "snapping periods" and "self-destruction periods" that I have been having due to the depression. The amount of control that is required to repress the emotions forces me to have those two types of things to happen. I am unable to allow this to happen any longer. I will be fighting back to regain what has been sacrificed. I will not allow this to happen any longer, and I know that I will need to hurt people to live for myself.
I hope that I will be able to keep control this weekend. I need enough control to not hurt anyone or tell anyone about the secret. I know that time is the consideration that needs to be watched. I know that I have been starting to slip with the control. I know that I do not have the control of my emotions that I once did, and I know that I may need to be locked up at some point in my life. I know that I will require to be locked up when "all Hell breaks loose". There will be multiple people doing "damage control" for the situation; however there won't be enough people in his/her family to protect him/her from the truth.
Time is the issue now, whether I have enough time left before I just have a complete breakdown. I know that I don't have the control I use to, but I know that I will repossess my sanity so that I can finally get over the attack. It is unfortunate that my attack happened for a multiple years, in a row, and I finally am willing to fight back. Time is against me because of the time that has passed, along with the time that is left in our lives. I know that my mind is not stable, and I may lose control once in a while, but I know that I am not insane. I know what happened to me, and thankfully I am in therapy now. I also know that the community will never be the same again after all of this comes out.
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