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The emotions that we all have can become complicated when we are forced to face something. The emotions can be positive or negative depending on how serious the thing you are facing really is. These emotions can cause you to realize new things about yourself, both in a positive way and a negative way. Where each of us is different, there is no true way to define how any of us will react to a situation.
For me, this past weekend, I started to face part of my past. I had a long talk with a special friend of mine this past weekend. I have been able to confide into him/her without fear of what he/she may say to me. I talk to this person as much as I can because he/she has been able to keep me calm throughout any discussion that we have had together. It has been discovered that I will need some special help that my friend is unable to give me. I trust this friend to the fullest, and have taken his/her opinion to heart every time that we talk.
I have yet to truly face my past. I have barely talked about how I feel about that past. Thanks to the talk this time, I talked about how I felt. I talked about how I felt about the situation of the past and the person that is involved into it. After the emotions were discussed about everything, it has been suggested that I am ready to see a therapist now. I agree because I realize that I am in a dangerous frame of mind right now. A therapist is the only thing to do to try to help the whole thing. Although I do not trust anyone else with the specifics of the situation, I will have to trust blindingly the therapist to try to get through this.
For me to come out of the depression altogether, I will need to face the past. I have come out of the depression to the best of my abilities, without facing my past directly. Now I am faced with needing to face that past now. It is rather unfortunate that I couldn't do everything without the therapist, however I know that I would become a dangerous individual if I didn't see a therapist. I see how I could become extremely dangerous, so I know that the therapist is the only step to go to now.
During the talk, certain realizations were discovered. Such realizations that were discovered include my knee shaking (uncontrollable), watered eyes, and lack of "wise cracks". These things are really strange for me to have happen to me, so we were able to see that the talk was going in the right territory. This type of talk is what exactly is required for me to get through the whole thing, however the trust that is behind everything is the only thing that has allowed me to "open up" to this special friend. It will take time for me to have that type of trust with a therapist, however I will have to quicken the process somehow.
For the terrible thing that is in my past, I have yet to shed any tears over. Many people would have had small "break downs" and cried somewhat about the whole thing. I have yet to do this, however the watered eyes that I had this weekend; had me come really come to those tears. When other people saw me during those talks, I had my sunglasses on (inside the building). I also had to walk away from those same people to gain some control of myself. If anyone had come behind me when I did this, he/she would have heard me repeat "control" several times. I did this then put my sunglasses on, no matter how dark the room was.
I know that the only true way to heal over something bad is to cry about it. I have yet to do this because I went directly into the depression. For me to come out of the depression completely, I will have to cry about the situation to start some true healing. This will be difficult for me because I have become use to not having the ability to cry. Hopefully between the therapy and the discussions with my special friend, I will finally be able to bring myself to the tears that have been overdue to come.
When I finally left my special friend, saying that I was in the "wrong frame of mind" is saying nicely what I was feeling. The hurt and anger that I was feeling towards a specific person I was going to visit that night. I was able to control myself enough not to attack him/her because his/her spouse was around. If the spouse wasn't around, I might have attacked this person that night. The amount of physical strength that I have compared to this person is significantly less than this person, however with the amount of anger and hurt I felt; I could have over powered this person easily.
This is how I know that I can become a very dangerous person if I tried to do everything without therapy. If I became uncontrolled at one time, I could hurt someone that I don't want to hurt. Knowing that I am about to go through another look at my depression and force myself out of it a little more, I made apologies to my specific friend at the start of the weekend. I made sure that he/she was prepared to see me become a different person again, and perhaps an emotionally uncontrolled person. In other words, I apologized for anything I may say to him/her that is taken hurtfully in the future. This means that if I say something that I didn't realize was hurtful to him/her, the apology has already been forwarded to him/her. Hopefully I don't do that however no one can say what my mind frame will be when I go through the next few steps.
The positive side about the depression that I went through, and still am trying to recover from, is that I now have a strong will. This seems strange but it is the truth. Where I didn't do any amount of emotional breakdowns throughout my life, I have gained a stronger form of will. This is a negative at the same time because I didn't confront the past in the past; I just hid from it instead. Even now my parents do not know anything about that past. My parents thought that it was a phase that I was going through, keeping everyone at a distance. I only told my mother within the last month that I was depressed. She told me that it wasn't a depression, however I know it was because I was so far depressed that suicide was considered a few times.
It would cause everyone I love too much pain for me to tell them the truth about my past. Those that I believe could handle hearing about it, I know would tell everyone else. This is why there is only so few people that know the details of my past. I have been told that my parents should know about it, however I know better than that. I will not tell them anything because I know that there are two possibilities that will come out of me telling them. One thing would be that they would tell me to stop making up such an outrageous thing. The other thing would be that they would want to go through the law to have something done. I am not willing to hear either one of those things from my parents, and I know that I don't need their help dealing with this. That type of help is not help, it is more problems than it is worth.
My emotional state right now is in a state of fluxuation. I will be like this for a long time because I will be keeping my guard down while my stress increases. This will help me face different emotions and help me come out of the depression a little quicker. I did something similar during the summer, and became hurt emotionally when I did this. Hopefully I do not lash out at people that try to help me during this time, however I can't predict the future so I cannot predict who may get hurt when I do this. I know that lashing out is an emotional-defensive response that a person will do, and I only hope that I do not lash out against those that I care for.
I have developed a strong will which means I have a strong mind, thanks to the years of that depression. The amount of hassle that I received from school with the teasing and the "chip shots" that people would do, had keep the negative emotions stay under control. I have always said "whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger", and the depression definitely made me stronger (in a way). If it wasn't for the fact that I was hiding from something worse than what any one could say to me, I could be seen as a strong person. I do not see myself like that, however I have been told that I am strong because of the way that I handle everything.
The look on life that I had during the time of the depression was not in a positive way. I didn't care for my life and didn't have a problem to take any challenge that I knew that could cause me pain. I would challenge the integrity of people and get beat up for it. I would do this because I would believe it was necessary to protect certain from ridicule, but didn't care what would happen to me. I was also asked during most times if I had a "death wish" and I would answer that I did. Stuff like this was a dead giveaway that I was depressed because no one does that type of stuff willingly. These things made my mind stronger because of the need to outwit those people.
I have a lot of emotional issues that it will take time to get through it all. Therapy is one of the more common ways to have these emotional issues taken care of properly. I know that with the way that my mind is, any therapist could make "papers" on it. Where most people would have breakdowns to show the overload of emotions, and where I haven't had those. A therapist will have an interesting time to help me through what I am going through. I know that it will take more time to get over this type of thing than I want to put into it, however it is necessary for me to get the necessary help before I become self-destructive (possibly suicidal).
With the knowledge of the possible outcomes for dealing with the emotional issues that I have, I have the ability to prepare for the worst. As I see it, if you prepare for the worst you can't be disappointed. It sounds bad however it is the truth. I know from experience that when you expect the worst and it comes, you will not have as much difficulty to deal with it as you would if you didn't think for the worst. This may make you seem to be a negative person to other people, however it protects you from reality. If something better than you expect to happen happens, then you can look at the bright side that the worst didn't happen.
The emotional distraught that I have been experiencing can have damaging effects to those around me. If I am unable to conquer the past, I will become self-destructive because of that. If I do not finally face the past, I may have a breakdown that I may not recover from. I know all of this and this is why I have to end this depression as quickly as possible. If I am unable to end the depression, even with therapy, I will lose control of everything and have a high chance to hurt those that I care for. I do not want to see this happen, but I know that this is where my emotional state and my mind is at.
For me to finally merge the gap between my emotional state and my mind will take more time than it should. I know that if this gap is not taken care of, there is a chance that I will have to be locked up until that gap is gone. I know of these things because I am still controlling emotions that if released would put me in that "padded room". These are the realities that I face every day. These are the things that I know will happen if a solution is not found soon. The depression has destroyed my self-confidence, self-respect, and has created a lot of self-doubt for myself. These things need to be treated in the proper way and hopefully therapy will be enough to do the necessary treatments to each of them.
For any of you that believe that I am feeding you a bunch of "bull" and that you know that no one can be this way. I can honestly say that you need to take a good look at the people around you. Look at everyone because I know that there is a least one person around you that is keeping you at a distance. The reason for this is because he/she wants to make sure that you either cannot get hurt from being close to him/her, or he/she is protecting himself/herself from you because he/she doesn't want you to know something about him/her. These are the realities of the world and no one is perfect.
It is sad when the emotional state of a person can cause so much pain to those around him/her. When a person is shutting people out of his/her life, there is always a good reason behind it. I know that the reason to the person will seem like the right thing to do, however having another's advise would help shower some light on it more. This will help you see if your decision to keep others out is the right one or not. In my experience doing what you believe is right is not necessarily the best thing to do. If I could do those years over, that I was depressed, I would make sure I didn't go into the depression. I see now it was wrong to do the depressed state, and would go for the necessary therapy to stop it from happening.
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