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Emotions are our strengths & weaknesses for everyone. Some are good/bad for being a strength, and they can be an equally be a weakness for others. The way that any given person handles themselves is the way you can tell whether the emotion is a strength or a weakness.
To control the emotions, that are negative, enough is a greater strength. This will give the person the ability to have a greater ability to control his/her temper than other people. The necessity of emotions is always a question that arises, and the answer will be different for everyone. It will be a different answer because everyone is different in his/her own way.
A good example of controlled emotions would be myself. I have the ability to control my emotions so much that I can seem to have none at all, to other people. It is a form of strength because I will not be forced into things (fights) without thinking about it first. Other people may be forced into the things (fights) because his/her family could be in danger. This would be a good example of how expressing emotions are a weakness, though many will try to argue otherwise. If someone were to threaten to put a family member in danger, it would not get me into the fight. It would take a lot more than a few threats to get me to do something. If the family member were to be there and the person were to attack them, my instincts would have me defend them however my emotions would need "blood" to come into affect. It may seem cold to some people, however that is the way it is when you "block-out" emotions.
If I were in a building that was being robbed, I would have a different outlook on it than anyone else around. I wouldn't care if I could get hurt during the robbery if the robbers threatened to attack me if I didn't obey. Where my emotions are "blocked-out" as much as they are, I can be more dangerous than the person trying to rob the building. I would have no cares whether they would have a weapon or not, I would challenge the person if he/she were to threaten me with the weapon. I would use the control of my emotions (lack of fear) to challenge the person and seem to be a little "suicidal" at the same time. This will usually turn out that the robber doesn't know what to do and will run away, although the robber will threaten a few times the robber will run away due to the lack of emotion that I would show.
Emotions would tell a normal person to stop a robbery without getting himself/herself hurt. In my case, I would make the attempt regardless if my life were in danger or not. The emotions that would cause others to save his/her own life are being "blocked-out" with the other emotions that I have. So the need to save myself wouldn't be there to be considered, so in-turn it would seem like I were to be a suicidal & cocky mix. The lack of emotions is the cause of that, however it really doesn't matter to me. I know I have these tendencies, but I don't have the emotional need to care about it either. Other people will care but it doesn't matter to me, so it won't concern me at the least.
Emotions are seen to be a weakness to many people. Those people will usually make decisions through emotions. When this is done it is seen as a weakness because your emotions may see something else to do which, which may be wrong for that specific situation.
The people who can block their emotions will have less of a chance to do this type of improper decision-making. They will be deciding the decisions through the facts and knowledge/experience that they have experienced. Also if a person were blocking their emotions, during a physical fight, any pain that the person would receive would not be able to make them cry. The pain that the person would have due to the fight wouldn't be able to make the person cry because the person would not have the emotional need to do so. If there were people around during this fight, many of them may show respect for the emotionless person due to the amount of punishment that the person can/has received. This is a positive and a negative at the same time. It is a positive because people will know it isn't easy to have the emotionless person cry for any reason (able to take a lot of punishment). However, it is a negative because there is always someone that would like to test the emotionless person's limits. To see how much more punishment it would take to make the emotionless person "crack".
The disadvantages that may occur to block emotions is the simply fact that the person doesn't get mad in any form. It is a disadvantage because the person will be gathering all of that emotion for one big "blow-up" for a time in the future. The anger of the emotionless person will decrease, however, it will build-up in the person's mind for another time. No one is able to block emotions completely, it is impossible. The human mind is not advanced enough to be able to stop it all, with no side effects. There are many emotions in the human mind, and many of them join to each other. An example of this would be depression. Depression has a mixture of "sadness", "anger", "loneliness", and a few others to form that one emotion. This is a strong negative emotion, one which when many people express/feel it, the person is unable to stop feeling it without help. It is possible to block some of those negative emotions by themselves; it is more difficult to block them combined into something bigger than themselves.
Emotions can be a form of strength if the person can use the emotions properly. A person can draw strength from emotions if someone close to them (family or friend) is in trouble. In most situations the person in trouble will cause the one trying to help to be distracted. So the one trying to help will not be able to concentrate enough to be able to help out the best. Although the one trying to help will gain a little bit more energy to do the task, not having the proper concentration for the situation may cause more harm than good. If the person trying to help blocks their emotions, then they will be able to concentrate more on the situation which is seen, most of the time, to be a good thing.
If a person has successfully blocked all of their emotions, it may seem that the person is depressed. This may cause people to treat you differently and will be extremely careful not to say the wrong thing. If it seems like you are depressed, bullies will see you as an "easy-target". Bullies will always pick on the weaker person (or seems weaker) to make a better "name" for themselves with their friends. The catch is that if a person seems to be depressed, the bully doesn't expect to need to do a lot to make the person cry. If the person is blocking their emotions, then the bully will have a harder time causing the person to cry. This is true because the person will not have the need to cry during an attack (verbally or physically). This has a high possibility to become a physical attack if the verbal attack doesn't work. This is an example of a great disadvantage in blocking your emotions. The other great disadvantage is when the emotion of "love" comes by. This emotion has a mixture of all the emotions combined and multiplied ten times. It can be the most useful emotion and the most destructive emotion at the same time. If the person has successfully blocked emotions, they are in for a surprise if they think they have stopped them all. Love can and will destroy any mental barrier that a person has on any emotion. There is a high chance that the person will have a "break-down" when trying to block the emotion of "love". There is no current way to block out the emotion of "love", except for not allowing you to express it at all. In other words, to avoid the "love" emotion you will need to think of yourself better than everyone else. In theory, you will not have the need to look at anyone else because they will seem to be "beneath" you. You will also seem to be extremely "stuck-up" by everyone around you if you do this. I do not recommend doing this because it will have greater-negative results. It will give you a greater mental strain than you are prepared for in life.
Emotions are an unknown variable that can be both positive and/or negative to any situation. It is not necessary to block emotions whatsoever, however it is good to have a strong mental hold on them. I say this because there will be many tests throughout life to see how much you decide through emotions which can be a good thing or a bad one depending on the situation.
For the past 13 or 14 years I have been repressing all emotions possible that any given Male would normally feel. I have been noticing that my mind is starting to "break down". I am fearful that I may have a "snapping period" in the near future. In the past, I have found that I will have a "snapping period" when I cannot repress all of my emotions any longer. The problem with the "snapping period" is that if I am awake when it happens I may not remember that I did anything until 2-3 months later, the bad thing is that most of the time I will remember it as a dream. These are the "snapping periods" that I fear the most.
The last "snapping period" that I had that I was awake for was in high school; a person had been pushing all the right buttons and had been pushing them for about 2 weeks. I didn't act out of anger with this person until I "snapped". If no one would have been there I can honestly say that I could have killed that specific person, however he was lucky that there were people there. The person pushed all the right buttons once again, thinking that he could do this any time he felt like and I wouldn't do anything. Unfortunate for me that specific day was the day to release all the anger that I had bottled up, and truly unfortunate that it was in the public's eye. When I had the "snapping period" as I remember now, I had the person by the throat, lifted him into the air, and with my left hand I started to "wail" on him. A person that was one of his friends came over to stop me; I dropped the guy and threw the 2nd person across the room, then continued to attack the 1st guy. A person that was twice my size came over and gave me a "bear-hug" from behind to give the 1st person time to get out of the room. The person holding me is at least twice as strong as me, however during the "snapping period" I broke his hold onto me. I seem to have also snapped out of the "snapping period" when I broke the hold. I looked around and the rest of the guys in the room were looking at me in part amazement, shock, and fear all rolled into one look. I didn't know why everyone was looking at me like that so I left the school to go for a walk until that lunchtime was over. The "snapping period" was only 5-10 minutes long, but I had no idea that it had happened. When I got back to the school (5 minutes before lunchtime was over) the principle came over to me and asked me whether the attack was true that he heard about. I said "no" because I didn't remember it happening. Then I continued to my next class. During the class people were asking me if things were true or not, and I told them I didn't know what they were talking about. When I found out 2-3 months later what had happened I dealt with the knowledge in the appropriate way. From that day on through the person tried more and more to get me to do the "snapping period" again, however I had found that it only comes around once every 4 years.
The "snapping periods" I have is the only thing in the world that I really fear. I fear them because it may happen any time without warning, however the only thing I can count on is that it is once in every 4 years. About 4.5 years ago I went to therapy about the "snapping periods" and when the therapist realized what I had done he was a little skeptical about the whole thing. However after a few sessions he realized that what I was saying was true after all. For the 5-6 months that I was having the therapy I was still in school (community college), and thanks to the therapy I was able to bring laughter back. I had it blocked with the other emotions. The therapist stopped me from having the "snapping period" the best he could but that year I did have it anyhow, however thank goodness I was asleep for that one. I can tell that I have one in my sleep when a light (or whatever was sitting near me in my sleep) is across the room with the wall it is near with a hole in it. Now that I experience laughter, I am not sure when my next "snapping period" experience will happen, and that is one of the most fearful things that a person can know.
The more that my friends are growing up and being less childish, the more I realize that I may need to go back to therapy to help me bring out the rest of my emotions back. Laughter is the emotion that I feel any more, and that includes hormones. I have learnt how to block my hormones the same way I have blocked my other emotional things. I am starting to fear things (figuratively speaking) now more than ever before. Many of my high school graduating class have continued with their lives and started to make their own families. I blocked my emotions out so that I could go through school without having a chance to have my emotions used as a way to hurt me, however looking upon it now I think I hurt myself more in the long-run.
I can honestly say that I have been more and more worried about the long-term effect on myself, where I cannot express the emotions that will help me grow up like everyone else has already. I have always been proud of not being hurt or vulnerable to another person's verbal assaults, and now I am realizing that I may have done more damage than good for going this long without those emotions. The only emotion that I haven't experienced before is "love", and it is the only emotion that could tear me apart. Love is a combination of emotions, and where I block out all emotions that I can, love has the power to cause me more pain than good. Love could take down all the mental barriers that I have up, and also at the same time put me in a form of depression for an extended amount of time. I know it may be possible that the depression I may feel, after love come into my life, may keep me in the depression for the rest of my life. I believe that if I can express emotions properly before I experience love, I may be able to avoid the depression feeling that I would feel from love. I do know that I may feel a little depressed when I get all the emotions back, however it would be a less of a depression than if I have love hit me when all the mental barriers are still up.
I have had one of the worst weeks of my life. I started to feel like crap on Wednesday, I got worse after Thursday, and now I feel worse that both of them combined. Thursday I had to deal with a person from the head office (the one that everyone hates to talk to) and was talking to that person for approximately 1 hour to make the paperwork work out. After talking to this person, the computer (cash register) crashed. It took me 3-5 reboots to get keyboards (2) to come back together. Then later on in that evening I was also robbed. So for the day of Thursday I was in a "bad mood".
When I went home for that weekend, I was instantly told that had to do all of the cleaning for the house. My sister decided to make a mess in the areas where I had already cleaned up the previous weekend, plus she said she wasn't feeling well (faking it as usual), so she did absolutely nothing to help except to bark orders (let's just say it took a lot of will power to not tell her off), and of course her boyfriend is wrapped around her finger so he also didn't clean either and he spent all his time with her. They both couldn't understand why I couldn't be in same room as them all throughout the weekend (I stayed away from them as much as possible). So my weekend made the way I felt from Thursday a little worse because I couldn't work through what I was feeling from that, I had to work mainly on what they were making me feel like for the weekend. Also when I went to leave to come back to my apartment on that Sunday the water pump wouldn't turn on, after I spent an hour on the phone with my parents trying to figure out what had happened we discovered that the main water valve (which it took them couple minutes to tell me where it was) had been shut off. My parents believe that someone was playing a trick on me for that one. Neither my sister nor her boyfriend will confess to doing it. So my week just got worse and worse.
If a therapist actually met me today, I can guarantee that they would put me in a mental institution just for the fact between the crapiness that I am feeling from the robbery and the annoyance I felt all weekend, I can honestly say that the therapist would lock me up before I erupted. The eruption, in my opinion, has a good chance to happen in a bad way. I especially have a good chance to do it against my sister, or against someone that tries to rob me again (during the time I feel the way that I do now). Thursday when I got robbed I called at 6:30 pm and the one police car that was sent arrived at 7:30 pm, so I had one full hour of my own thoughts floating around to make myself start to fall apart. I didn't panic whatsoever that night, however I think that I starting to feel worse than I did on Thursday when it first happened.
Now as I hear through rumors, the police are investigating me a little closer due to the fact they don't trust that I am the innocent one. They are going to look at me closely to see what may turn up. I figured as much from the police, however I didn't expect to hear about it until they were done. It is always good to know people that know people on the police force. I can honestly say that I don't know how to take the whole thing just for the fact that it is my first time to have the police take an interest like this, on to me.
My emotional state has been jumping around a lot lately. A few days ago I got robbed, and it took the police a full hour to get to me after I had hung up with the "911 operator", so there was a whole hour for all my thoughts to float around. This is not a good thing, especially for a person that doesn't express emotions easily. I can honestly say that my mind was completely screwed up until today. I don't know if it was the fact that I could sleep in a little bit more, or just the fact that everything that I had experienced finally took it's full toll. What I think happened was just the fact that where I don't express emotions easily, having the feelings of what I was feeling from having the robbery happen to me, threw my mind out of control.
Many told me that I seemed to be more of a suicidal type for the end of last week, and I seemed to be more suicidal at the start of this week. Now it is as if my mind finally discovered how to "block out" the emotions that I was feeling. My mind is currently more of a cleaner state than it was at the start of the week, hopefully that feeling doesn't come back any time soon. The feelings that were kicking around felt as if they were a combination of at least 5 emotions mixing together and causing me to feel like "shit". Usually when I feel something, my mind has the ability to break it down and stop it from effecting me any more, which usually only takes a day for it to go back to normal. This time it almost took a week for my defenses to break it down (or "block" it), and allow myself to go back to normal.
During the time that I didn't have any control of that feeling, I was still working and also I was dealing with the police about the robbery. I can honestly say that it is also the first time that I was thinking before I spoke, that may be a good thing or not, I'm not sure. My mind is complicated enough without these extra feelings coming up. I am just glad that no one tried to challenge me into something, because the mind frame that I was in I would have taken the challenge (as an insult, or other). When I get into one of those states, my mind seems to find extra strength to give to me, and I seem to be able to do more physical things than I could before. So having my mind fighting the extra emotions is both good and bad. It is good because it gives me the ability to be more physically active, however the bad part is just the simple fact that I feel like "shit" and I am not a pleasant person to be around during that time.
I have found that in the past few days, my emotions are not as stable as they use to be. I met the new member of my family this past weekend, and see the innocence on his/her face has caused my emotional look on life to change. Some emotions, I thought were buried too much for me to feel again, have started to surface. My look on life has changed in the positive way more also. Seeing that type of innocence seems to have been a good thing to happen to me, however I'm not sure it really is a good thing or not.
I control my emotions to the extent that I do not feel any emotions that I have successfully blocked. After seeing the new member of the family and seeing his/her innocence, I haven't been the same. Some of the emotions that have been blocked for the longest of time have started to resurface. There are some emotions that are good to have resurfaced, and some others I have no control over. When I don't have control over the emotion, I am unable to concentrate properly. For me to block an emotion, it takes a lot of concentration however it doesn't take as much when the emotion is block. Most of the emotions/feelings that I have been having lately I can control, however there are some that I didn't want to resurface yet.
Since December 2002, I have dropped my guard. I didn't drop my guard completely, but just enough to come out of the "depressed" state that I have been in for the last 10 years of my life. I told one of my parents that I was coming out of the "nasty state of mind" I had been in for the last 10 years. The parent I told was happy to hear that because he/she was starting to worry about it.
In June 2003, I also dropped my guard completely because I felt it was time to do so. Unfortunately I paid for doing that because I got yelled at by one of my parents, because someone decided to be an instigator between this parent and me. With my guard down, the amount I got yelled at hurt more than it normally would have. I hadn't felt like that in about 10 years and was unprepared to calm down quicker than what I did. It is unfortunate that it happened the way it did, especially where my guard went back up that same day. I tried that day to remove the emotional barriers that I have, however fate had other plans for me. Later in that month I started to let my guard down some more, once again, but not as severe as I did before. Every week I try to drop my guard a little further so that I can actually try to be normal once again.
It has been a long time since I had felt all the emotions that everyone else feels. I started to drop my guard because I have realized that it is time to move on with my life. To move on with my life requires the emotions to help guide me in the right direction. It is difficult to trust emotions where I have been resisting/blocking them for as long as I have. The main problem with doing this is the simple fact that I will not be allowing all of my emotional blocks to be let down. The reason behind this is the fact that I am unable to trust myself with certain emotions being expressed. I have been unable to control/block these certain emotions yet, however the mental barriers that I have place I am not willing to drop. One of the emotions that I am unwilling to stop blocking is love. I fear that emotion because it is so many emotions tied together. I am able to control most of the emotions that are involved with love, however not all of them. Where love is a multiple of emotions, I am unable to control all at the same time with my guard being down.
There is a problem with the theory of dropping my guard and only letting some emotions resurface. The problem is the fact that all emotions are tied together somehow, and when you try to feel one you may cause others to resurface. Attractions (hormones) to the opposite sex I have been feeling for a while (can't block something like that anyhow), however without the emotions to help understand the attraction I am unable to act on the attraction. Love is an emotion that is tied with an attraction, however I also fear the love emotion at the same time. I fear the emotion because it can cause anyone to lose control. I fear what may happen to my mind if I lose complete control, however I am also not a controlling person. I respect the opposite sex and do not wish to control them, I wish to only control myself.
People that know me know that I am an open person. I am an honest person that is loyal to my friends and will never turn on them. I may have disagreements with them, however I will not turn my back on them. Lately I have been trying to "hang-out" with my friends as much as possible. I just want to have fun with my friends during my free time, however my free time is only on weekends so my time is limited to that. It sucks due to that and where I am so far away from them. In a couple of years it may change, however currently I have to stick with what I have now for time.
The only "wild card" that is in my life, currently, is doing what I did this past weekend. Seeing a new family member and the innocence that is with that family member. Seeing the innocence has released (trigger) emotions/feelings that I didn't expect to resurface. One of the emotions/feelings that I have felt recently is the need for family. The needs for family in the form of needing to help that type of innocence grow in the world. The need to finally "grow-up" out of the frame of mind that I have been in all of my life. Technically speaking, seeing this family member has given me a "wake-up call". My mind is a jumbled mess due to this, and hopefully I can get it sorted out before this weekend. I hope for this because I do not need my friends to know how "screwed up" my mind is currently.
As time goes on, the more complicated things get. I have discovered this most recently. I have had some mental barriers come down, unexpectedly. The emotions that I have been feeling lately are ones that I haven't been prepared enough to feel again. I had the mental barriers up, in my mind, to stop these emotions from being felt. The reason for this is because I didn't see the need (at the time) to feel these emotions. Most of my mental barriers were put up 10 years ago.
I've been bringing down (dropping) some of these mental barriers recently. I have been doing this because I have decided that it was time to bring them down. It is difficult to allow myself to drop the mental barriers because I have become so dependant on having the mental barriers. I have become dependant on the emotional barriers to help me not get hurt by other people. That is the primary reason why I put the mental barriers up in the first place. The secondary reason for the mental barriers up was the fact I had saw no reason to feel those emotions at the time. As I said it was approximately 10 years ago that these barriers were put up in the first place. I know some of you are thinking that it was wrong for me to do what I did, however we all do similar things just not as extensive that I did. We all do similar things when we get hurt by other people. It could be through name-calling, bully tactics, or an emotional hurt. Any of these things will cause us to protect ourselves against that type of hurt. In my case, it was a combination of all three and some other things.
For a person like myself, I found that I was too open for an attack from other people. To stop the ability to be open for an attack, I put up the metal barriers to protect myself. At the time, it was the only defense I had because I was not an open person. At the time I was the type that was extremely friendly and talkative, however was not able to share any emotions with anyone because it seemed that I was always under attack from someone. It is extremely difficult to let anyone know how you feel, especially when it seems that when you try to let someone know others around attack you for it. I found that instead of dealing with those emotions that I would just stop feeling them altogether. It worked at the time and for many years afterwards. The problem is that it became an addiction. To not feel anything, no matter the conversation, became an addiction that I didn't see happen. I only can see it now as I try to stop the addiction. Unfortunately others have attacked me while I try to stop this addiction, however it hasn't stopped me yet. I have received multiple attacks to me (verbally) that in the past wouldn't bother me, however currently they have taken their tolls. It takes more concentration to stop the mental barriers from going up and controlling my emotions at the same time, than it takes to put the mental barriers up in the first place. Due to the amount of time that I had these mental barriers up for, I have become an extremely difficult person to make emotional, in the past. Now as I try to drop these mental barriers, I am finding it difficult to think straight.
I have found it difficult to think straight, now, due to the amount of emotions that are now being felt by me. My mind is unable to stay on one topic for a long period of time. Although it does seem that I am able to do a thought like this up, it takes me an extra 3 hours to type it all up due to lack of concentration that I have now. The lack of concentration is due to the fact that the emotions that I am feeling once again are clouding my thoughts. I have tried to drop the mental barriers slowly, however it hasn't worked out that well. I have found, most recently, that all emotions are tied together. This has caused me to feel more than one at the same time. It has gotten me confused quickly in some circumstances, however I have been doing well so far.
If a person, that didn't know me, saw the way I act around people; the person would swear that I was at the start of a nervous breakdown. I know that some of my friends think that way, and also some family thinks that way too. I know this because the tone in his/her voice when talking to me changes, slightly, whenever I need a little time to gather my thoughts properly. It is noticeable because I will stop in the middle of a conversation and just stares into space for a period of time, then continue the conversation as if nothing happened. I do this more than I will admit to, however it is noticeable when the conversation hits me in an emotional way.
The emotions that I have been feeling lately are mostly life questions however some are not. Some of the things that have started to surface lately are among the following: how close should I be to friends/family (should I be closer), is my life good enough, do I have a good reason to continue, should I do what I have told my therapist, am I a better person right now, do I have the energy to continue, will I ever feel true happiness, and will I know what love is or have I already missed it. These things are what have caused my mind to be a jumbled mess of recently. These have all surfaced since meeting the new member of my family. The effect of seeing him/her has affected me greater than expected. I never saw the chance of losing this much control from that experience. I had no real way to prepare for this much of an emotional overload. I still cannot process this much emotion at the same time. I have had multiple thoughts and emotion mixed together a lot especially after meeting that relative.
There are very few people that know that I have been having problems most recently. There is so few because I don't trust that many people with that type of information. I am very protective over my friends, family, and myself and to have too many of them to know what is going on in my head would cause more problems than good. I don't like asking for help from anyone, which an example of why the mental barriers went up 10 years ago. I was too stubborn to ask for help to deal with what I was dealing with back then, so I did something that I see as stupid now. I was unable to see how stupid it was back then because I wouldn't tell anyone that I was doing it. No one could have stopped me because I probably wouldn't have listened to him/her at all. I would probably would have seen his/her advise as an attack against me, and would have fought against him/her because of that. Now as I look back, I can see that putting up those mental barriers was the biggest mistake of my life. As I get older, the more I consider whether I am able to continue on my own. I do not choose to become dependent on others, however there is a chance I may become dependent by accident. The emotional unstableness that I feel may force me to become dependent on someone to help me through this.
I have been alone for a better side of my life. Where I had the mental barriers up, people were unable to get really close to me because I wouldn't let them. I have a lot of friends; very few that are really close, and I can see that it is wrong of me to keep my friends that far apart from me. Emotional I am being overwhelmed, but am able to continue with my life as if nothing is wrong. I haven't taken any time off of work yet because I haven't seen the need to, however I will be taking some off near New Years. I also have the plan to get extremely wasted on New Years Eve. I will be doing this to release any stress that I may have built up by that point. This will have a positive and a negative effect on me at the same time. It will be positive because I will not have any worries whatsoever that night. It will be negative because I will not have anything from stopping people to find out what I think about anything. In other words, if a person wanted to know what I think about them or others I would tell them without hesitation. As it is currently if someone asked me how I felt about him/her or someone else, I would either avoid the question or I would say the phase "you don't want to know". Doing this helps me protect myself while I still sort out my emotional state.
It has been asked to me why I haven't tried to have a serious relationship with anyone yet (significant other). I have used some bull answers to avoid answering the question directly. I have also told one person a half-truth. I have yet to tell anyone a straight answer. The reason for this is because I do not feel that I am mentally stable to get into a serious relationship. I am currently having problems dealing with some smaller amounts of emotions. If I were to go into a serious relationship I would be dealing with a lot of emotion. I know that mentally I am not able to handle that much emotion. I may not be able to handle that much emotion if things stay the way they are right now. I am bringing the emotional barriers down slowly, by myself, however I have been told that I should be using professional help when doing this. I have refused to do that because I feel my way is better. This is the stubbornness that runs in my family, I believe it runs in both sides of the family that causes it to be worse for my generation. I may be doing more harm than good to myself, however I will learn after time about this anyhow.
For me to be in a serious relationship, I will need to express the emotion of love. I do not feel I am able to do that because I fear the emotion most of all. Where the emotion of love has a mixture of all emotions positive/negative together, it causes me to fear that emotion. I am having problems dealing with little shots of emotion now, and if I allow myself to express love I fear the outcome to my mind. It may be good for me, but I still don't trust it. The problem is that I cannot continue experiencing life properly (having a serious relationship with someone) if I do not allow myself to experience love. I am stuck in an endless loop when it comes to that emotion.
To show how my mind works, currently, I go by my loyalties and instincts. My friendships exist due to those loyalties/instincts. If I am able to talk to somebody, that I am not friends with, and able to do it more than once, I will try to form a friendship with that person. My instincts will tell me if the person is a good person or not. My loyalties will tell me how close I will be to this friend (no matter if boy or girl). My instincts and loyalties I trust to the fullest. I will not stray from my instincts and loyalties because that is not the type of person I am. I have been told by customers (from work) that I seem to be easy to train and should be a good spouse to someone in the future. They have said that multiple times and say that phrase because it is difficult to find a spouse that will remember everything that he/she is trained to remember (dates, names, etc.).
I know that this is my longest thought yet, however it shows that there is a lot to talk about. I currently have a couple of friends that I can talk to about what is going on in my head (emotionally, etc.), however I am unable to talk about it all with him/her. I have found no real way to approach these friends to help me sort out my mind enough to make it seem like it is normal. The emotional response that I received from meeting the new relative was unexpected, and I am still trying to recover from. Hopefully all I need is time to sort through this all, and hopefully on News Years I am able to get most of it off my chest. I will not be holding back on that day because the amount of liquor I play to consume will help loosen me up. Time will only tell about how I will do with the expected extra emotions that I have. Time will hopefully help me enough to find a way to express the emotion of love without a serious breakdown.
Emotions will guide anyone in life, it all depends on the interpretation of the emotional feelings that you have. It is difficult to interpret which way your emotions want you to go, especially when you are having difficulties understanding them in the first place. When you have difficulties understanding what your emotions are telling you, it is because your thoughts and emotions are in a conflict. This will happen a lot to any of us, however nonetheless it comes down to a judgment call for you to make. You can wait for your thoughts & emotions to agree together, or you can choose with your thoughts or your emotions. I know how this feels because I have this type of conflict every day of my life.
I have recently begun to confront my demons, and I have been fighting with my thoughts (my brain) and my emotions (my heart) on how to deal with these demons. In the past I fought these demons by going into a depression and blocking out all of the emotions that a person call/will experience in his/her life. This time I refuse to do that because doing such a thing is not how you are suppose to live your life. Going into depression to fight your demons is not really fighting; it is more hiding than anything else. When you are done hiding the demons are still there to fight, so going into depression again is not an option any more. I am still having difficulties coming out of the current depression and I see no reason to reverse this action.
Recently my emotions have begun to talk to me more. It may be because I am finally sorting through my demons, or it is because Valentine's Day is near. I do not know which it is, however I do know that what I am feeling/sensing is more than I have felt ever in the past. I now know what the feeling of happiness is because I feel that every weekend. I have started to listen to my emotions and started to realize that I am at a crossroad in my life. I am unsure what to do, and really not sure how to word it either.
I have a friend that is willing to do a type of "card reading" with me. I am not sure what to expect however I trust him/her to the fullest and it will be interesting to see what these cards say about me and my future. It may be a good future or one that involves a "speeding ticket" (finally), however I doubt the "speeding ticket" thing. I trust this friend more than anyone else in my life, and he/she knows it. It is difficult trying to see my life without him/her because he/she has helped me so much with coming out of the depression that I was in. Many people requires a therapist to come out of that type of depression, however all I needed was someone that I could trust. If I didn't have this friend I probably would have a therapist helping me, but not be out of the depression as far as I am right now.
The emotions I have been feeling recently have been helping me realize whom of my family & friends deserve my attention the most. These emotions have started to sway my attention from one person to another, which is causing me to realize who my friends really are. This is a big piece of the puzzle for me to face my demons, and hopefully will teach certain family members not to treat me the way that he/she has in the past. These emotions and thoughts have begun to influence the way I am these family/friends. There are some that have realized that I am starting to spend less time with him/her and there are others that have realized that I will not call him/her back. These people are starting to realize that I am putting a distance between him/her, and myself; and many of them have contacted my parents to find out why. I don't tell my parents anything because they will just worry and tell me that I can't do such things to family, but this is just my way to sort out what I feel about certain people. There is nothing that my parents are able to say to me to change that, so I will continue to keep certain family members at a distance because of past things that he/she has done to me.
The emotions that help us determine what to do next in life are the more difficult to interpret properly. Almost one and a half years ago I met someone for the first time in a long time. I was still depressed at this time so I didn't seem to be "human", however I did have a strong feeling in my stomach when I met him/her. I did nothing with this feeling, however I did have difficulties understanding what that feeling was, but I blocked it out with the rest of my emotions. One year later, when I had decided to come out of the depression I was in, I met this same person once again. The odd thing is that the feeling in my stomach was still there. It was as if the feeling was about him/her, so I decided to spend time with the person. The feeling in my stomach stayed strong until he/she told me that he/she just wanted to be "friends". The feeling in my stomach decreased however I could still feel it. Currently the friendship that I have with this person is stronger than any friendship I have seen between any married couple, and that is saying a lot. I know of people that have been "going out" for years and do not have the connection that I have with this friend. Hopefully this connection never dies because it is the best/most unique friendship I have ever had, and know that my life is better now with this friendship than without it.
A person's emotions can/will decide who are your friends and who are just acquaintances. When you decide who to "hang out with" and who not to, it is when your emotions tell you whom you are more comfortable to be around. With all the people of the world there are many people that your emotions will not let you trust, and there are many more people that just "irk" you. Those people that "irk" you are the people that your emotions are not sure what to do because the trust is not there, however he/she seems to be okay. When your emotions seem to make you feel this "irk" that usually means that your emotions can see something that you cannot about this person. Many times this person could be around you just to "use" you, if not worse. Some times this person is just a mysterious person and you are unable to get the proper "vibe" off of the person. It is always difficult to trust many people of the world today because there are too many people of the world that is looking for ways to hurt (or take advantage of) other people.
The emotions that you have will help you decide what to do with your life. When a person is having an emotional breakdown, the person will seem to be aggravated and seem to have no (or little) control over how to deal with other people. In the eyes of many people this person will be depressed, however he/she is not but it is easy to think that way. A person that is having an emotional breakdown is actually deciding whether he/she should go into a depressed state, stay the way that he/she is, or bounce back into life as if nothing was wrong. These three decisions are always on the minds of anyone that has had a traumatic emotional thing happen to him/her. Usually when this happens it is because of a "break-up", family problems, the past being reawaken, current/past abuse, or an assault of sorts. Any of these things can/will cause a person to consider depression as an escape, however many do not realize that you are just hiding from the problem and the problem will not go away until you face it. Some of these problems may not seem serious to you, however they are more serious to those that feel the problems. When a person is having an emotional breakdown there is always a reason for it, it is never something minor because a person's emotions are stronger than people realize.
Emotions can be just as destructive as they are powerful. This is true especially when you consider jealousy as the emotion to talk about. Jealousy can be more destructive than people realize it is. Jealousy happens when you feel that you are not getting to spend the "proper" amount of time with the one that you care about, and he/she is spending time with someone else. Jealousy is one of those emotions that I think should not have been created however you can't have an emotion such as love not to have an equally powerful negative emotion to go with it. Love is the strongest positive emotion that exists, and jealousy is its equally negative emotion. It is sad to say that you need jealousy as much as you need love because of how one balancing the other. I have difficulties understanding jealousy because, as I understand, if you have the emotion of love already it doesn't matter how much time that your loved one spends with other people. Having the love there in the first place should keep you two together, however many people become jealous of others and will lose the one that he/she loves because of the jealousy that he/she had felt. Jealousy seems to be around to just test how strong a relationship is and to see how much you trust the person that you are with.
When a person comes out of a depressed state, that person will not be the only one that is affected by the process. Usually anyone that helped you out of that depressed state will feel better about himself/herself because of the trust and emotion that is involved in such a thing. Usually if a person is having a bad day the person will be in a bad mood. When a person that is depressed has a bad day, everyone around him/her gets attacked verbally. When you consider that, coming out of a depressed state will have a positive impact with anyone that helped you to come out of the depressed state. This is because you and the other person are feeling the same thing, and that is that you are both happy that the depressed state is being removed from the picture. Emotions are the more tricky than people realize because emotions will set the mood of anyone.
The emotions that you experience every day can be harmful and helpful at the same time. When your emotions are harmful, you tend to be in a bad mood for that day and perhaps longer. When you emotions are helpful, you tend to be in a good mood. Your moods will change according to how your emotions treat you for that day. I have found that it is possible to be in no one mood because the emotions that you are feeling have you feeling like you are in neutral.
The emotions that you feel can make you stronger or weaker than other people, just depending on the type of emotions that you experience and how strong those emotions are. Your emotions can make you stronger than other people when you are able to express the emotions that keep you happier than other people. Your emotions can also give you extra strength through adrenaline if you express negative emotions for some reason. Your emotions can make you weaker than most people for the same reasons because for every positive there is always an equal negative.
When people ignore his/her emotions when deciding on his/her life, he/she is causing himself/herself to be weaker than most people. The reason is because he/she cannot use his/her emotions for a decision. When your emotions are trying to help you decide something, you need to listen. Your emotions are usually there to help you realize the right decision, and by ignoring your emotions you are ignoring what your soul has to say. People do not realize how much your soul does communicate to you
Your emotions help you in life. When you have the ability to feel an emotion, your soul is trying to guide you with that emotion. This is helpful when dealing with people that give you the "creeps". When a person has this type of feeling, your soul is telling you to stay away from this person. When there is any doubt about a person, your soul is trying to show you that there is something more to the situation. This happens a lot because there are a lot of people in the world that you should stay away from, and hopefully you are communicating with your soul enough to have it warn you about these people.
When your emotions become torn for a situation, it can be difficult to decide the right way to go. When your emotions are torn about something, your soul is telling you that it isn't sure what to do. Your soul is telling you that there is no right answer for the situation, and it is up to you what to do. This can be difficult at times, especially when you are caught between friends. When deciding a side to support in a fight between friends, your soul may not be able to decide which side to go for. This will cause you to be emotional torn between those friends. The only thing to do in a case like this, if you can, is to stay neutral and try to make peace for them through you.
When it is impossible to stay neutral in a fight between friends, to decide the right side could take some time. I know this because I have gone through this recently. I have been forced to choose sides between long time friends and current ones. My decision has been difficult to me, however I have decided which side to go on. My decision will shock many people because I am usually predictable with stuff like this. Usually I will look at which friends that I have the longest friendship with, and side with him/her. This decision was determined in a different way. This decision was determined between what is right and what is wrong. I have decided to stand up against the friends that I have had the longest.
When your soul is torn in two different directions, your emotions cannot decide which way to go. This is when your head & heart need to come to a decision. I have always tried to do what I felt was right, and this time is no different. In the past I was depressed so I could only decide between the loyalties that I had with people, and what was right and wrong. This time I had to decide without the emotions because I couldn't decide through the emotions. I will do whatever is in my power to make things right between the two groups of friends, even if I have to threaten one set of them.
It is rare to have me threaten anyone about anything. I have always been able to sort through any problems that have come up between my friends and myself. This time it dealt with the attitude of prejudice towards my other friends. Where prejudice is wrong to feel, I have decided to fight against it. Where I have chosen the side that is right, I will be threatening the other side. The threat that I will be doing to the other side, which is the perfect defense in a situation like this, is to threaten the friendship between them and me. Where they are being prejudice towards the second side, I will threaten them by forcing them to choose between two things, just as they did to me. I will force them to decide between the friendships with me vs. the prejudice against the other side.
I will not allow them to be neutral on this type of decision because you can't. It is a simple question to decide to have hatred towards someone or to keep a friendship that has been around for a long time. There is no middle to this situation, and I will not back down on this one. So the threat that I will be issuing will be to have them decide whether they treasure my friendship more than the prejudice that they feel. This is the only way that I can see to cause them to see what is wrong with his/her actions. Unfortunately I am unable to issue this threat for at least 2 more months because my family wants me to "keep the peace" for a little longer. I will do this as long as they do not do anything to provoke me to say the threat.
The emotions that we all have can become complicated when we are forced to face something. The emotions can be positive or negative depending on how serious the thing you are facing really is. These emotions can cause you to realize new things about yourself, both in a positive way and a negative way. Where each of us is different, there is no true way to define how any of us will react to a situation.
For me, this past weekend, I started to face part of my past. I had a long talk with a special friend of mine this past weekend. I have been able to confide into him/her without fear of what he/she may say to me. I talk to this person as much as I can because he/she has been able to keep me calm throughout any discussion that we have had together. It has been discovered that I will need some special help that my friend is unable to give me. I trust this friend to the fullest, and have taken his/her opinion to heart every time that we talk.
I have yet to truly face my past. I have barely talked about how I feel about that past. Thanks to the talk this time, I talked about how I felt. I talked about how I felt about the situation of the past and the person that is involved into it. After the emotions were discussed about everything, it has been suggested that I am ready to see a therapist now. I agree because I realize that I am in a dangerous frame of mind right now. A therapist is the only thing to do to try to help the whole thing. Although I do not trust anyone else with the specifics of the situation, I will have to trust blindingly the therapist to try to get through this.
For me to come out of the depression altogether, I will need to face the past. I have come out of the depression to the best of my abilities, without facing my past directly. Now I am faced with needing to face that past now. It is rather unfortunate that I couldn't do everything without the therapist, however I know that I would become a dangerous individual if I didn't see a therapist. I see how I could become extremely dangerous, so I know that the therapist is the only step to go to now.
During the talk, certain realizations were discovered. Such realizations that were discovered include my knee shaking (uncontrollable), watered eyes, and lack of "wise cracks". These things are really strange for me to have happen to me, so we were able to see that the talk was going in the right territory. This type of talk is what exactly is required for me to get through the whole thing, however the trust that is behind everything is the only thing that has allowed me to "open up" to this special friend. It will take time for me to have that type of trust with a therapist, however I will have to quicken the process somehow.
For the terrible thing that is in my past, I have yet to shed any tears over. Many people would have had small "break downs" and cried somewhat about the whole thing. I have yet to do this, however the watered eyes that I had this weekend; had me come really come to those tears. When other people saw me during those talks, I had my sunglasses on (inside the building). I also had to walk away from those same people to gain some control of myself. If anyone had come behind me when I did this, he/she would have heard me repeat "control" several times. I did this then put my sunglasses on, no matter how dark the room was.
I know that the only true way to heal over something bad is to cry about it. I have yet to do this because I went directly into the depression. For me to come out of the depression completely, I will have to cry about the situation to start some true healing. This will be difficult for me because I have become use to not having the ability to cry. Hopefully between the therapy and the discussions with my special friend, I will finally be able to bring myself to the tears that have been overdue to come.
When I finally left my special friend, saying that I was in the "wrong frame of mind" is saying nicely what I was feeling. The hurt and anger that I was feeling towards a specific person I was going to visit that night. I was able to control myself enough not to attack him/her because his/her spouse was around. If the spouse wasn't around, I might have attacked this person that night. The amount of physical strength that I have compared to this person is significantly less than this person, however with the amount of anger and hurt I felt; I could have over powered this person easily.
This is how I know that I can become a very dangerous person if I tried to do everything without therapy. If I became uncontrolled at one time, I could hurt someone that I don't want to hurt. Knowing that I am about to go through another look at my depression and force myself out of it a little more, I made apologies to my specific friend at the start of the weekend. I made sure that he/she was prepared to see me become a different person again, and perhaps an emotionally uncontrolled person. In other words, I apologized for anything I may say to him/her that is taken hurtfully in the future. This means that if I say something that I didn't realize was hurtful to him/her, the apology has already been forwarded to him/her. Hopefully I don't do that however no one can say what my mind frame will be when I go through the next few steps.
The positive side about the depression that I went through, and still am trying to recover from, is that I now have a strong will. This seems strange but it is the truth. Where I didn't do any amount of emotional breakdowns throughout my life, I have gained a stronger form of will. This is a negative at the same time because I didn't confront the past in the past; I just hid from it instead. Even now my parents do not know anything about that past. My parents thought that it was a phase that I was going through, keeping everyone at a distance. I only told my mother within the last month that I was depressed. She told me that it wasn't a depression, however I know it was because I was so far depressed that suicide was considered a few times.
It would cause everyone I love too much pain for me to tell them the truth about my past. Those that I believe could handle hearing about it, I know would tell everyone else. This is why there is only so few people that know the details of my past. I have been told that my parents should know about it, however I know better than that. I will not tell them anything because I know that there are two possibilities that will come out of me telling them. One thing would be that they would tell me to stop making up such an outrageous thing. The other thing would be that they would want to go through the law to have something done. I am not willing to hear either one of those things from my parents, and I know that I don't need their help dealing with this. That type of help is not help, it is more problems than it is worth.
My emotional state right now is in a state of fluxuation. I will be like this for a long time because I will be keeping my guard down while my stress increases. This will help me face different emotions and help me come out of the depression a little quicker. I did something similar during the summer, and became hurt emotionally when I did this. Hopefully I do not lash out at people that try to help me during this time, however I can't predict the future so I cannot predict who may get hurt when I do this. I know that lashing out is an emotional-defensive response that a person will do, and I only hope that I do not lash out against those that I care for.
I have developed a strong will which means I have a strong mind, thanks to the years of that depression. The amount of hassle that I received from school with the teasing and the "chip shots" that people would do, had keep the negative emotions stay under control. I have always said "whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger", and the depression definitely made me stronger (in a way). If it wasn't for the fact that I was hiding from something worse than what any one could say to me, I could be seen as a strong person. I do not see myself like that, however I have been told that I am strong because of the way that I handle everything.
The look on life that I had during the time of the depression was not in a positive way. I didn't care for my life and didn't have a problem to take any challenge that I knew that could cause me pain. I would challenge the integrity of people and get beat up for it. I would do this because I would believe it was necessary to protect certain from ridicule, but didn't care what would happen to me. I was also asked during most times if I had a "death wish" and I would answer that I did. Stuff like this was a dead giveaway that I was depressed because no one does that type of stuff willingly. These things made my mind stronger because of the need to outwit those people.
I have a lot of emotional issues that it will take time to get through it all. Therapy is one of the more common ways to have these emotional issues taken care of properly. I know that with the way that my mind is, any therapist could make "papers" on it. Where most people would have breakdowns to show the overload of emotions, and where I haven't had those. A therapist will have an interesting time to help me through what I am going through. I know that it will take more time to get over this type of thing than I want to put into it, however it is necessary for me to get the necessary help before I become self-destructive (possibly suicidal).
With the knowledge of the possible outcomes for dealing with the emotional issues that I have, I have the ability to prepare for the worst. As I see it, if you prepare for the worst you can't be disappointed. It sounds bad however it is the truth. I know from experience that when you expect the worst and it comes, you will not have as much difficulty to deal with it as you would if you didn't think for the worst. This may make you seem to be a negative person to other people, however it protects you from reality. If something better than you expect to happen happens, then you can look at the bright side that the worst didn't happen.
The emotional distraught that I have been experiencing can have damaging effects to those around me. If I am unable to conquer the past, I will become self-destructive because of that. If I do not finally face the past, I may have a breakdown that I may not recover from. I know all of this and this is why I have to end this depression as quickly as possible. If I am unable to end the depression, even with therapy, I will lose control of everything and have a high chance to hurt those that I care for. I do not want to see this happen, but I know that this is where my emotional state and my mind is at.
For me to finally merge the gap between my emotional state and my mind will take more time than it should. I know that if this gap is not taken care of, there is a chance that I will have to be locked up until that gap is gone. I know of these things because I am still controlling emotions that if released would put me in that "padded room". These are the realities that I face every day. These are the things that I know will happen if a solution is not found soon. The depression has destroyed my self-confidence, self-respect, and has created a lot of self-doubt for myself. These things need to be treated in the proper way and hopefully therapy will be enough to do the necessary treatments to each of them.
For any of you that believe that I am feeding you a bunch of "bull" and that you know that no one can be this way. I can honestly say that you need to take a good look at the people around you. Look at everyone because I know that there is a least one person around you that is keeping you at a distance. The reason for this is because he/she wants to make sure that you either cannot get hurt from being close to him/her, or he/she is protecting himself/herself from you because he/she doesn't want you to know something about him/her. These are the realities of the world and no one is perfect.
It is sad when the emotional state of a person can cause so much pain to those around him/her. When a person is shutting people out of his/her life, there is always a good reason behind it. I know that the reason to the person will seem like the right thing to do, however having another's advise would help shower some light on it more. This will help you see if your decision to keep others out is the right one or not. In my experience doing what you believe is right is not necessarily the best thing to do. If I could do those years over, that I was depressed, I would make sure I didn't go into the depression. I see now it was wrong to do the depressed state, and would go for the necessary therapy to stop it from happening.
As time continues to pass, the more of a chance that I will learn to feel my emotions once again. I have taken the first step to help myself to regain the ability to feel once again. I have started the process to see a therapist. It is rather interesting to give a brief reasoning behind seeing a therapist to a therapist. I find it interesting because regardless of what you put on the form that you fill out, the person will still ask you the same questions (without reading the form).
One of the questions that were not on the form was the question of suicidal. I know that I have had times to be suicidal however I have always kept myself from doing anything of that sort. I actually had the therapist define the question of suicide multiple times so that I could answer it more honestly. The answer that I finally gave the therapist was an answer of yes that I have been suicidal, I have the thoughts of it every now and again, and I do not hear any voices in my head.
The fact that I have been in a depression for over a decade is a little surprising. I needed to explain what I meant by a "full emotional shutdown" to the therapist, and the therapist said his/her bit about that it was smart for me to do that. I understand that and that is why I am now going to see a therapist about reconnecting me to my emotions. This is something that I will be keeping to myself (and a select few), which means that my family will not know about it.
I tried to tell my mother a while back that I was in a depression, and her response was a look that I was drunk. She told me that I was not depressed and that it was just a "rut", unfortunately she was not ready to accept that I have something more serious going on in my life than she thought. With the response that she gave me about the depression, I know that she isn't prepared to hear about the reasoning behind the depression. All parents have problems understanding that his/her children can go through more difficult things in life than what the parents can imagine.
The therapy is going to help me reconnect to my emotions. To have therapy help in doing that, the therapist will need to be told everything about the depression. The whole story behind the depression, and I will be making sure that the therapist will not be allowed to make any connection to the police about anything that is said. I know that in many cases that a crime is seen to have happened that a therapist has the right to go to the police. In my case I will be stating that the police cannot be involved because I am unwilling to take that course of action. I will also state that if the police are involved that I will deny everything that I had said, to stop any chance for that process to be used. It is a little drastic however it is my choice to make.
There is a small war starting to come around between a bunch of friends and me. This will be a war because of the fact that those friends are one big family. It is going to a war in which my sanity will be regained; however the friendship that is there will be destroyed. I know this because the first shot has already been done, and it has had a cascading affect in the process. I have been prepared to face my past, however I was planning to wait a while (three years) before doing that. Now that shots have been fired at me from this family, I see that I may have to face my past sooner than expected.
I know that I will be having multiple "mood swings" when I start reconnecting to my emotions. I know that I will also have multiple "mood swings" when I face my past. These "mood swings" seem to be connected together and seem to be coming at the same time, now. Time is the question before me, and time will be the solution. The fact that I will be on the defensive during this war will also put me in a lot of harms way in the process. I will have my guard down during the time to reconnect to my emotions, and this also means that I will be having my guard down during this war with friends. The "mood swings" will come quickly because of this.
It will take time to get through all of this. I know this because it took a lot of time for me to enter into the depression. I had multiple "mood swings" happen during the initial process of entry into depression, and I will have worse "mood swings" on the way out. Although I will not be having as much therapy as a person should for something of this magnitude, I will have other options at my disposal. This website will help me to organize my thoughts, as it has in the past. This website is a form of my sanity. It has helped me to regain some of my sanity, and the feedback from this website has helped me some too.
My family will only be informed of the war when it concerns them. I have decided to fight, on my own, and have no need to involve my family. This will be a fight that many people never thought could happen, and most people will never know the whole story behind this war. It will be difficult to fight against such numbers, however I know that the war has a chance to drag up skeletons that no ones wants to have come up. My skeleton, alone, is one that I don't know how much of that family knows exists. My skeleton is devastating enough on its own to cause the war to end, however it could also create a war that would never end.
Everything is a mystery right now, however time can change that. This war will help me somewhat to reconnect to my emotions, and hopefully I do not attack the bystanders that exist. This war has a chance to involve those that have nothing to deal with the war, and I will be trying my best to protect him/her from the war. This is why my family I will be keeping out of the war.
It is always amazing to experience new things that deal with your emotions. All throughout last week I was pissed off at my parents for not supporting me on a decision that I had done. My parents went against me and went to the side of the person that my decision was against. I was extremely angry and hurt due to their decision, and I had that anger and hurt build throughout the week due to that. The more I thought about what they had done, and the more I read into what would happen if I opposed that same person/family again; the more I hated my parents.
That type of hate can be extremely dangerous to deal with. It is extremely dangerous to keep control of yourself when that type of hate (anger & hurt) without "flipping out" on somebody. The control that is required needs to be learned, and is very dangerous regardless who you are. I had difficulties with this type of hate, so I had a friend help me for the last part of the week to control it enough to be away from work if I "flipped out" on somebody.
With having the amount of hurt & anger go through me for the whole week of last week, it started to trigger something that I wasn't prepared for yet. The trigger was the "self-destruction" period that I will go through after a certain amount of time. I felt last week that I was going to have a "self-destruction" period at some point soon. Thankfully I didn't have it happen to me at work, however I was having a great amount of difficulties controlling myself at my work. So I was just hanging on to my control last week.
Due to the physical labor that I went through during the long weekend, I was able to vent that anger & hurt in a useful way. To do that type of physical labor gave me the ability to vent that hatred without "blowing up" at someone. It did work this time, however I don't plan to keep the physical labor as a venting process. For me to do such a thing would become more dangerous for myself than anyone else. Doing physical labor to help others is a good thing to do, however if the physical labor is only to vent then you endanger those that are around you.
There are many ways to vent the negative emotions that you may feel, however if you use a physical way to vent you may cause accidentally attack someone. Needing to vent a great amount of negative emotions can be difficult at times. If you have become accustom to venting through a physical way, you could have an uncontrolled need to hit something. Unfortunately, at times, a person may become that thing that you decide to hit. This type of venting I highly advise against because of the brutality of such an action. This could cause you a form of emotional stress that you are unable to control, which would cause you more grief than you need.
I have had, in the past, times that I lost control and had a "snapping period" which is losing complete control of myself. During these "snapping periods" I will "black out" for a period of time (usually 15 minutes) and become a physical force to be reckoned with. I will possess more strength than I have ever had consciously, and not be able to remember anything for 3 months. When these "snapping periods" come I become one of the most dangerous people in world. Fortunately these "snapping periods" haven't come to me in approximately eight years.
I seem to be calmer, now, than I have been in many years. I seem to also be a little more positive, at the same time. This is strange for me because I am not use to being this way. I know that this is the type of way that I want to be able to feel all the time, however I didn't expect to have this come this quickly. This may be just a "mood swing" for me, however it is still good to have this come. The anger & hurt that I felt towards my parents last week may have been a "mood swing" also, however I do not know. I do know that feeling as positive as I do today is a "mood swing" and I hope many more of these are in my future.
I know that the "self-destruction" period that didn't happen this weekend may come again later in the future. I also know that there will be a lot of "self-destruction" periods to still to come. I know this because I went through several of them on the way into this depression. I know that I will have several "self-destruction" periods to go through to end this depression. It is probably the most vulnerable that anyone would be able to find me at any point of my life. This is also why I make sure that no one is around me when this "self-destruction" period happens. The other reason why I make sure no one is around me is that I sound like I have a multiple-personality process. I will actually talk to myself in three different voices. One voice is through a "pissed off person type", the second is a "psychotic person", and the last is of an "innocent type of person". I will use each voice to attack and defend myself until the "self-destruction" period is finished.
The "self-destruction" period can be very disturbing for others to see; I know that it is a very painful time for me to suffer through it. This "self-destruction" period was very useful to help me bury/repress many of my emotions. The "self-destruction" period will help me have my emotions come to the surface, and hopefully have me had a better connection with them after that. I have small connections to my emotions, however no direct connections except for laughter. These small connections came along because of the connection to laughter that I obtained. It will be interesting to see the connection to the other emotions, and heaven help us when that happens.
I am currently a good person to talk with, although I have very little connections to my emotions. I have the ability to earn your trust easily, and I will not abuse that trust whatsoever. I have become accustomed to talking to people and trusting my "guy feeling" with those people. I also trust whatever loyalties to the friendships that appears from those "gut feelings". My emotions have had very little to deal with the way that I treat people. I hope that when I connect with my emotions, I am able to treat people better than I treat them now.
It is always good to know that I can experience positive feelings. It is good to be able to acknowledge the fact that I am human after all. It is also gratifying to know that my life can be changed for the better. I hope that after time that everyone can see that I will become a better person in the future. I know that many people will need to be hurt for me to finally end my depression. I know that this will be a big challenge for me because I will be forced to end a longtime friendship, and I will also need to go against my nature. My true nature is to make everyone happy regardless of the cost to myself. I don't normally think about what I am doing to myself, however now I am forced to think about myself. Time will be the key with this.
To hurt others to save myself, will be one of the most difficult things to do in my life. I choose my friends very carefully, and many people have said that certain people I shouldn't be around. Currently when my judgment is questioned, I will fight back against those that are questioning my judgment. Whenever a person insults my judgment and one of my friends at the same time, I fight back more than I normally would. It bothers me to have my judgment questioned for no real reason, however it bothers me more when you do it by insulting one of my friends at the same time. It has been seen in the past that if someone wants to see me fight back about anything, the person would insult my judgment and insult a friend at the same time.
To become emotional towards anyone has been a negative experience for me. I have had a positive emotional feeling towards people and had a negative response. I have had a negative emotional feeling towards people and got a worse negative feeling from it. So everything has been negative so far, however hopefully with the proper emotional connections I will be able to experience something positive.
I know that the emotion of love is one of the most powerful emotion that exists. It is also the emotion that I have always feared because I had never really experienced it, and when a person is repressing emotions it is necessary to know how to repress the emotion. When you haven't experienced the emotion before, you have a little bit of fear to that emotion because you don't know how to control yourself with it.
During the first part of coming out of my depression, I began to have little connections to the emotions. Those connections haven't grown since I decided to leave the depression. Those same connections have allowed me to realize things from the past, such as crushes. I understand the feelings that deal with a crush because I have experienced it, although at the time I didn't know that I had that feeling about someone. I have emitted to certain people about the feelings that I had for the person in the past. I did this because I felt the need to do it. When starting to remove the emotional barriers, I was able to discover things of the past that I didn't know. Now those things have been put into the open so that I can continue with the end of my depression.
As I have looked at my past, I know now that I have destroyed a lot of my life. I have caused myself a lot of unnecessary pain & suffering in the past, and hopefully the future can correct some of it. I know that there is nothing to correct the past, however I will not let my future be destroyed like my past has been. Time is necessary to allow all things happen, and time will be required for the necessary lines to be drawn.
For everything that happens in the world there are always some good & bad things that happen. It is sad to see the bad things come from something that can produce something good, however it does happen. When my secret is finally out there will be a lot of hatred that will be against me. I know that there will be hatred through my family, friends, and the people of the public. I also know that my sanity will no longer be sacrificed to protect other people.
I feel that any family & friends that decide to go against me in this situation will learn that I will not take any more "bull" from anyone. I will be thinking for myself, and doing things for myself. I will be concentrating on getting my life back to a "normal" area, and not care for anyone that feels that I am wrong for ending my depression. Those that feel that I am in the wrong for no longer keeping the secret, will learn that I will no longer have any respect for him/her. This is just a fact that must be considered. I will protect my family & friends as much as I can, however there are only so much that I can protect him/her from.
There will be some people that will become targets because of the secret, however I will fight for his/her freedom from the situation. I will protect anyone that stands by me during that difficult time. I know that I will be destroying the community if the secret reached the community. The community will start to distrust themselves because of the seriousness of my secret. A person has told me that I should tell my family, however I don't have the courage to deal with that right now. When the courage is obtained, I will be sure that those that need to know; will know. Time is the one variable in this situation. Time can only tell when I will be prepared enough to face my secret head-on.
There are many negative emotions that every one of us will experience in our lives. We are told by the "real world" that having these emotions surface makes us a bad person. The "real world" tries to shield itself from anything that can be destructive to it. The "real world" will do this because the "real world" fears anything that can change the point of view of anyone about how the "real world" operates.
The "real world" has us believing that when you experience a lot of negative emotions, you are to remove yourself from the eyes of the "real world". You are put yourself in a form of solitude to protect others from those negative emotions, however it is really because the "real world" is protecting itself from you. The "real world" fears the negative emotions that each of us possess. When we express these negative emotions in the "real world" we are forced to believe that it is wrong to do this. The truth behind it is that the "real world:" uses different forms of negative influences to force you to do things. To have your own negative emotions to come forth, the negative influences do not have the same power over you.
Through the recent "mood swings" that I have been having, I have realized that I have more negative emotions bottled up than positive ones. I have the ability to experience every form of negative emotion because the negative ones are more easily developed than the positive ones. Where I do not have any direct connections to my emotional structure, the positive ones seem the most difficult to generate (feel). For the "mood swings" of this week I have only felt positive for one day. It was the first "mood swing", however it was also the first time in a long time I have felt positive about my life. I know that I have made a closer connection with my emotions through confronting my depression and the reasons behind that depression, however I also know that I have a long road ahead of me.
I vented the negative emotions that I felt last week through a physical method. I did some physical labor things with my family, however I also know that it was wrong to vent these negative emotions in this manner. To vent through a physical method, you are chancing the fact that you may not be in the appropriate spot in the future for venting in a physical way. This is how many people get into fights over nothing, or the physical assault charges get laid. To vent negative emotions through physical actions is not the proper way to deal with those emotions. To vent those negative emotions, the best way is to vent them in a verbal fashion. It may not seem like the right way, however where the "real world" believes that it is wrong to do this; it must be the right way to do it.
I have a lot of negative emotions that have been surfacing lately. I have been able to control myself in the appropriate ways to deal with these negative emotions, however time is something that is always against you when dealing with these emotions. If too much time passes by when you feel these negative emotions, you have a chance to explode at any given moment. It is sad to see such negative abilities in anyone, however this is exactly what each of us goes through at one time or another.
We all have a dark-side that we don't let people see. We all have the fear that if we show our dark-sides that people will treat you differently, however in a bad way. I have been seeing signs of my dark-side surfacing, however I have kept it under enough control that it hasn't caused any real damage yet. I protect people from my dark-side because my dark-side is connected to the "skeletons" in my closet. I have many "skeletons" that I am not proud of, and my dark-side is only involved when one of those "skeletons" are about to be discovered. This form of self-protection is only a shield from the truth, and I know that I can't have this shield forever.
I have repressed a lot of emotions over the years. Unfortunately most of those emotions are negative ones, and it is more unfortunate that these have to resurface for me to experience the positive ones that are buried. The reconnection to my emotions will take a lot of time to do. I know that time may be against me in this because my mind may not be able to last the necessary time to wait. I also know that it will take time to get my mind use to not having the mental barriers up to protect myself from things that the "real world" will throw up me.
As I continue to end my depression, I seem to be chipping away at the foundations of the depression. I know that after time these chippings at the foundations will cause something to give away. I know this however I also require a "breakdown" once in a while to recover from these chippings at the foundations. I will continue to fight against the depression, whether my family is on my side or not, and I will continue to do this because my sanity needs to be regained. I know that it sounds weird to word everything this way, however I also know that it is the truth. I have sacrificed my sanity for too long to protect people that don't deserve my protection any longer. The time required to do everything safely may not be available because I have already felt my "mental state" start to collapse under all the pressure of emotions that I have been experiencing.
The pressure of emotions that I have been experiencing is a natural response to the lack of mental barriers that I have up. Where I have taken down a lot of those mental barriers, I have caused myself to experience things that I normally wouldn't experience. The anger and hatred that I have felt towards people is one example of the emotional pressures that I have been feeling. My guard needs to be down for me to experience emotions, and the more that it is down the more I am vulnerable to an attack. I have received a few attacks while being this vulnerable, however I have yet to need to be locked up because of any of them. I know that after time I will be required to be locked up in a mental health ward, however until it is required I will do my best to end this depression.
I have started to realize that the fact that I have more negative emotions than any other is because of the anger and hatred that I feel for myself. There is more anger and hatred towards myself than anyone else because I chose to hide from the "real world" and put myself into this depression. I also know that death with rain from above when my secret is finally let out into the "real world". The "real world" is not a perfect place regardless of how everyone tries to make it. The "real world" will soon have a real wake up call to make people realize that there are many things that are hidden to make the "real world" seem so perfect.
The end is near for my depression. The end of many lives is near because my depression will end. My depression has protected many lives, but my sanity was the cost. For my sanity to be regained, I must destroy multiple lives by ending my depression. There are many factors that are involved in my depression. The core factors will be the ones that will destroy everyone else. My home community has suffered a lot dealing with these core factors, and I know that when mine are released that I will no longer be allowed near my home community.
I am sacrificing a lot to regain my personal sanity. I have been preparing for the worst to come out of this whole thing. I have found that if you are prepared for the worst, you are able to deal with whatever is thrown at you. With the seriousness that is involved with my situation, I know that the worst is what to expect from this whole thing. I know that I will be suffering more after everything is said & done because I will be losing most of my friends and possibly most of my family. It is unfortunate to have something like this happen however is necessary for me to finally be able to end the depression, and finally continue with my life in the appropriate action.
For all the emotions that will be involved with the whole experience to end my depression, I know that every emotion that I have repressed for all this time will all resurface at the same time. I know that having my secret finally released into the world will cause a lot of devastation, however I see no reason to keep that secret any longer. Keeping that secret has destroyed my sanity. My sanity has been the price for others to seem to be good people. I know that my family will have to choose to either be on my side or to be on the side of long time friends. I know that I have challenged those same people in the past, and my family went to their side. I know that only time can tell what is going to happen with this.
With the negative emotions that have been surfacing lately, I am starting to realize that I am on the right track. To have this much negative feeling being bottled and finally released shows that I am doing something right in finally letting that all out. I know that a release of a great amount of negative emotions can be a dangerous thing, however it is necessary for me to continue with my life. I have been doing things in a constant loop, however unable to leave that loop because my depression has not allowed me to leave the loop. The loop was created so that nothing new could force the depression to lash out at anyone. I cannot have this loop any more because the protection that it created must be removed.
Time is the one variable that I cannot account for. I will be going through a lot of mood swings, and there is no one that really can help me. There are many people that can help guide me, however guidance is all that these people are able to do for me. Where I am willing to do whatever is necessary to end my depression, regardless of the sacrifices, I have the ability to finally end the pain & suffering that I have gone through due to the depression.
Time is the factor that will decide when it is time to start a war that will devastate the community. I cannot predict when this will happen. I do know that I was hoping for this to happen in three years, however the foundations of my depression may be forcing the war to happen sooner. Time is the factor in all of this because time is no longer a luxury in this matter. The end is near for the "perfect" world that those around me are so use to. This "perfect" world will end and the start of "Hell on Earth" will take its place.
I can honestly say that my mind is a little more destructive than before. This past Friday, I had an extremely stressful day. My stress level was extremely high throughout the week, however Friday my stress found new heights. By the end of Thursday, my stress level was at the height of myself. By Friday early afternoon, my stress level doubled. When I finally got to work in the afternoon on Friday my stress was touching the moon. By the end of the day my stress level was out by Pluto.
To calm down from the extreme amount of stress I had received during the day, I disappeared for the weekend. I went approximately 3 hours away from where my work is, so that what happened during Friday wouldn't bother me as much. You could say that while I was stressed out, I "stirred the pot" while I could still do it. I did this so that some things that my boss(s) would take attention to my work place. It is one of those times that I was actually willing to fight against a boss, regardless of the circumstances that may follow.
My ability to work through the stress I was feeling, amazed myself. I would normally hide from the stress and repress it, however I was required to deal with everything this time through. It is the first time that I didn't repress everything, and perhaps it shows a good start for my healing process. This might be a good sign for what the future has in store for me. This could also be a very small fluke too, so it could be considered something small compared to what is still to come.
My emotional state has been a little bit out of wack. Although I do not have any direct connections to my emotions, at least the positive ones, I have found that anger and frustration seem to come more easily now. I know that after time I will be able to express more, and I hope that the positive emotions I will finally be able to contact. When people ask me "how are you today", I respond, "I am having fun". This is a constant response because I can't seem to say anything else because I do not feel anything else. It is sad to say, but it is the truth. When I am finally able to have a direct connection to my emotions, I will be able to respond in a better fashion.
My thoughts about things have begun to betray me for a bit. I know that many times I will tell anyone what I am thinking because I feel that I am not fully aware of everything that is going on around me. If someone were to flirt with me, I have a high chance not to pick up on the flirting. Where the direction connection to my emotions doesn't exist, I have found that I have great difficulties understanding where certain "lines" are and when I actually "cross the line" with things that I do. This gets me in trouble with my friends a lot, especially where I do not realize I do anything wrong in the first place.
I know that after time I will regain the direct connection to my emotions. I have been trying to unbury as much of the emotional pathways as possible, however it is more difficult to do than to say. I know that I will have some connection to my emotions when the war I am preparing for, actually happens. I will be able to see/feel how I am supposed to around certain people. This is a truth that I know will happen, however the therapy I am in will be the only way for me to feel the right way again.
I know that I will have a huge fight on my hands when the war is finally engaged. I know that I will be seen differently among different people when this war starts. I know that many people will understand why I always seemed to be "pissed off" and the fact that I never smiled in during those years of school. People will also begin to understand what I will do to protect people/things that I feel need my protection. If I feel a friendship is worth protecting, regardless of the cost to myself, I will protect that friendship as long as I physically can. Now I am at one of those points in my life that I must start to think about doing things for myself. This is why the war must be engaged, to finally help myself through something from the past.
There will be many people, probably my own family especially, wondering why I couldn't keep the information to myself until I died. I can honestly say that the instant that any family member says anything that resembles that phrase, I will remove myself from that person regardless of whom it is. I can honestly say that I will not allow that type of family member to be in my presence ever again; if he/she believes that I should stay quiet rather than having this war. This will be a war that I will lose friends, and possibly family members.
In June I will finally meet a specialist type of therapist that is supposed to be able to help me through the secret that I have carried for so long. He/she is going to help me see how I will be able to be around certain people, and might be the catalyst to cause the war to finally be engaged. I know that I will be in a war that there is no side to properly "win" on. I know that I will have a great amount of difficulty to be around my friends & family due to this war that I will be engaged with.
I also know that certain family members will try to stay neutral throughout the war, and I will probably see him/her as an enemy due to him/her trying to stay neutral. To choose sides in this war, you will have to see what your personal morals have to say about the basis of the war. If a person is able to say that his/her morals do not agree with the fact that I have waged a war against a friend vs. myself, the person will be seen as an enemy to me. Everything that is involved with this war is about morals and personal ethics. There is a high chance that I will finally see how much of my family and friends really consider me when he/she decides which side to be on.
There will come a time that people will have to decide what is right and what is wrong. When a person is forced to decide which side to be on during a war, the person will have to weigh out all the options that he/she considers important. I know that I have friends that live further away than most, and those friends will have a harder time to decide which side to be on. I also know that those same friends will see me in a different light, just as he/she will see another friend in a different light. There will be a time that the war will affect those that are staying neutral, and I know that there will be a loss of innocence when those people are forced to choose sides.
I have a tendency to travel during the weekends. If the community chooses to be against me in this upcoming war, I will avoid that community. I will only be in that community to see my therapist, and shortly after leave the area. I will fight against the community if I need to, however people will notice a decreased amount that I will be around in that community. I will socialize with people whether he/she agree with my decision of the war that I will be engaged in, and I will help others see my point of view.
I am at the point in my life that I must choose between friendships vs. my personal sanity. If I were to choose the friendships, I will sacrifice my sanity. This is what I have done throughout my life, and now I am at the point to realize that it is wrong to sacrifice your own sanity for another person(s). I am in a fight to regain my sanity, and I know that I will have to cause the war for me to completely regain my sanity. There will be a time that I will see how much of my own family will be supporting me, and how much of my family will be against me.
When a person stays neutral, or at least tries to be neutral, the person is saying that he/she doesn't want to choose sides. He/she wants to stay friends with both sides, and probably hopes that he/she is able to make a peace between the two sides. When a person tries to do such a thing, dealing with the information that will come out when war starts, the person is not willing to except the truth. I know that there will be a lot of people that will say that I am crazy for what I am doing, however I am doing the right thing.
Time is a variable that always will exist. There will be a time that is right for the war to start, and there will be a time for the war to end. I know that the war will be extremely destructive to the community, and the protection of the community is not my concern any more. I will not protect anyone when my sanity is in question. I will do what is right, and what is necessary. For me to accomplish this I will need to fight a war within the community. For my sanity to return, I will have to have the full connections to my emotions.
I will fight until I have nothing left to fight for. I know that this war will devastate my family, friends, and the whole community. The devastation will be necessary because of the severity of the whole situation dealing with the war. The war will only happen when I am prepared to fight against those that I have protected for so long. I know that many people will see me as the enemy, and I don't care for his/her opinions about me in that way. Those that feel that I am the enemy are the people that are willing to sacrifice his/her own morals/ethics to protect the person I will be going to war with.
For me to retain my emotional contact, I will need to cause the war. I do not see any other option in this case because when I will either have the war to happen to retain my emotions or I will have the war happen after I retain my emotions. The war is coming, and time can only say when it will happen. I know that if the war doesn't happen for me to retain my emotions, I will have the war start when my emotions are retained. A person cannot have his/her emotions and ignore the situation around having those emotions removed in the first place. A person's morals/ethics would be in question if he/she is able to feel and not need to wage war for the secret that was caused.
There will be a time that a lot of this will be clear to all of you. The clarity of the situation will be clear to those that know me, and will soon see a different side of me. Although there is only one person that can connect me to this website, I know that many of you that have been to this site know me well. Many of you will be affected when the secret is finally revealed, and the art war is engaged. Many of you may choose to be against me in this war, and if you do I will know that you are heartless people. No person should go through the hell I have in the past. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, but I also wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy the war I am about to start. There is no one that is able to stop this war because of the sensitive information that is involved in this war.
I can only say that this war is for the betterment of the future. Having the dark secret kept for the rest of my life, may kill me in the process. I know that it is strange to say however I do know that these types of secrets can be more destructive as a secret than not as a secret. There will be a time that people will see how strong willed I really am, and he/she will finally be able to connect the necessary dots to figure out the amount of pain & suffering I put myself through just to protect one friend. I can only pray that all of you do not turn against me because you all know that I am a powerful ally, and an extremely dangerous enemy. I will do what I feel is right, and this war is necessary.
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