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As time continues to pass by the mind tends to wander. We all do this once in a while, however we tend to have our minds return to normal. This tends to happen to all of us; however there will be times that our minds will not return to normal. Usually when the mind doesn't return to normal you are having difficulties in something in your life. Any difficulties in your life can change your view on any topic. Your mind will choose it's own way on a subject, and many times it will be the way that you don't want it to be on.
Your mind is a very tricky thing to deal with. When you consider how much that you depend on you and your mind understanding each other, and the fact that if you disagree you seem to be a little crazy. Being crazy is not necessarily a bad thing, however you may think otherwise. When understanding yourself to the fullest means that your mind has never disagreed with your thinking patterns. This never happens and if you think otherwise, you are lying to yourself.
The mind of a person is more complicated than what people realize that it is. When you consider how much your mind does throughout the day without your thoughts telling it to, you can realize that to control your mind would require more concentration than you are willing to do. It is impossible to control your mind, however it is possible to have your mind control things for you. Many people feel that he/she is in control because he/she considers himself/herself as a sane person. I have news for you people, being sane is not necessarily having control.
There are so many different definitions for control that many people have them confused. When a person has control of himself/herself, it means that he/she is able to function in a normal day. Having true control means that the person is able to seem normal even through the most extremely "bad day possible", and not seem any different compared to a true normal day. These people may be able to fool other people about how he/she is feeling; however his/her mind is not in control.
The mind is able to function in a normal day without any concerns to the person all the time. The concerns for the person will only come when the person needs to organize his/her emotional state at any point. Where emotions are so strong, at times, it takes the mind more ability to control the emotions. For those of us that have tried to repress emotions/memories, we have caused our own minds to work harder than it is needed to work. This can cause an unknown amount of stress, and can cause a person to be distracted at times.
There are times that repression is a gift, however nothing stays repressed forever. The mind only has the ability to do so much and until technology comes out with a way to delete memories completely, we will have to be careful with overwhelming our minds. If someone overwhelms his/her mind, the person may seem to have a breakdown of sorts. This can happen at any point of his/her life, and many times cannot be stopped. Many times that a breakdown comes there aren't the proper warning signs for the person to realize something is wrong. There are always warning signs, however how the person uses them is the catch.
I know that I have caused my mind to over-strain itself many times throughout the years. I have caused my mind to help me repress bad memories, emotions, and of course the depression I put myself in. When a person puts his/her own mind through this type of strain, you tend to cause more damage than it is worth. It is always sad to see this type of strain happening to a person.
I caused undue amounts of strain, stress, and pressure to my mind a lot through the years. Currently with coming out of a depression that lasted 12 years, I have realized that my mind has gone through more than it should have in a lifetime. When this type of strain is caused to the mind, the mind is caused to work during times of rest. This is not healthy and can cause serious problems after time. It is still shocking that my mind was able to last as long as it has with the extra strain that it was under. For many people, this type of strain would put him/her into a mental institution within a few years.
Now it seems that I have a strong will however that is something that is false. To have a strong will you would have to be able to fight against other people, and win. What I did was that I hid from everything and repressed everything. This is not having a strong will, it is cowering from life. This is what I think of myself, and how I see my past. I know that I may have a strong will now however not then. For this reason, I see nothing but pain & suffering in my future. For me to conquer the past, the past will need to be fought.
I know that my mind has a lot of repressed memories and emotions still yet to be discovered. It is rare for a person to realize the dangers that he/she has put himself/herself in when dealing with his/her own mind. I know that I have a lot of hurdles to get through for this depression to be over with. I know that any professional help I receive over this will give me some sort of distinction. I also know that this will be one of the biggest fights of my life because I will be confronting the very thing that put me into the depression.
With the help of the few people that know what I am going through and the professional help, I know that it is possible to recover from the depression. I know that I will not be the same person as I was in the past, however I hope that I will become a better person than I ever was. I have caused too much pain to myself during the depression, and I hope that I am able to give myself the ability to have a second chance with life.
The next few months will be difficult for my mind. I will be removing my guard and allowing all the stress that I will have to attack me more than it should. This will allow any mental barriers that are still up, to become attacked directly. When a person is trying to remove the mental barriers that are blocking emotions (or memories), for me, it has to be forced. This may be harsh to some to cause this type of damage to yourself, however it is the only way for me to attack those barriers directly. Fortunately this will give less strain to my mind.
Any professional help that I receive during this time of need, will help me protect those around me from myself. I still wish to protect those that I protected in the past, however I do not wish to keep everything bottled up any more. The help from a therapist will be required because I know the torcher that I went through to put myself into that depression, and I know the same amount of torcher will be required to take me out of it. It is sad to know that torcher is the only way to undo the repressed emotions and memories that I have.
The hardest thing I have had to do so far is to emit to the true reason behind the depression. I had always kidded myself that it was due to a fail relationship, however I knew in my heart it wasn't. The depression gave my mind the ability to focus on protecting others, and in doing so I caused myself more torcher than anyone should experience. Time has a way to teach you many things, and this is one that time couldn't teach me quick enough. The knowledge that I have now of the pain & suffering I went through during the depression, I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from doing the depression in the first place.
I have a process that will be coming up some time in the future. I call it a "self-destruction" process, which I experienced several times going into the depression. All the emotions and memories that I got flooded with during this "self-destruction" process were all forced into a repressed state. The amount of control to do all this caused more strain to my mind than I realized. This type of reckless destruction of the mind can become deadly if done improperly. In my opinion I should have not been able to do what I did. It is too unhealthy to cause this type of damage to yourself on purpose, and I should have had a nervous breakdown during the first attempt.
Time is the only thing that will be able to determine whether a person can recover completely from an ordeal like this. I know that facing my past will be difficult, however it is only part of the battle. To recover from the destruction to my own mind will be the biggest battle that I will face in my life. Where this involves my mind and nothing else, I will be having this recovery without the assistance of other people. I pray that I will become a better person when my mind is finally able to settle down, and I hope I can become the person I was before all of the torcher started.
For me to finally recover from this ordeal I will have to keep those I protected from being involved in the recovery process. This may seem odd, however for me to know that I protected them from the worst, I will have to make sure that they never find out the reasoning behind everything. There are only so many people that know that the real reason behind the depression, and I hope that I will not have to burden anyone else with the knowledge.
I still have the need to protect everyone. There are only so few people that have the ability to help me. Those that I don't consider help will never know the truth. All anyone will need to know is that any professional help I receive is to help me out of the depression. There will be no specifics given to people like my family because I know that they would not understand why I did what I did. I mentioned to a few people of my family that I was depressed, and the length of time that I was depressed. I was told that I was lying and that he/she will not except that I was ever depressed. It was nothing but a "rut" that I was in, in his/her eyes. The problem is that a "rut" doesn't take longer than a month to get through. I was in a depression because it took over a decade to go through.
Time will only tell how things will turn out with this situation. I know that I will only involve family when I feel it is necessary, and I don't see that in the future. Time is the only thing that is constant in this situation, and hopefully time is on my side with what I am about to experience.
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