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It is rather interesting when it is said that you get to live your life the way that you want to. I have been considering that statement lately, and realizing that the statement is false. The statement is false because your friends and family will try to butt into your life and control it so that your life is no longer yours to deal with. When people start ordering you around and telling you what to do, your life is no longer your life; it is those people that are ordering you around. There is a difference between suggestions and orders, and 90% of the time it is orders. The other catch is that when a person does a suggestion, he/she wants you to do what he/she suggested without thinking of it as an order. This is the reality of everything in your life.
I have always been a "free spirit" when dealing with life. Although I have been in a depression, I still was a "free spirit". I would do things on the "spur of the moment" and not care what people thought about it. I also have always tried to keep everyone happy. I never seemed to stand up for myself when around my family and certain friends, however I felt that some fights shouldn't be fought. I would stand up for myself when I believe that it was a fight that I wanted to fight. This made me seem to never stand up for myself around many people because I never saw the need to do so around those people.
When a person is trying to decide what to do with his/her life, it becomes difficult when everyone else tries to decide for you. I have no problem with how my life has been heading, being still single and all that stuff. I have started to be pressured to "settle-down" and "get a life" by the two families that I grew up with, which is my family and another family. The two sets of families do not know me well enough to say something like that. The two sets of families are also trying to keep me away from another family. I have responded in the same fashion that any person would when his/her judgment is being questioned enough to be considered to be wrong.
I have begun to keep people at a distance because I feel it is necessary. I have done this because I am beginning to end my depression with the necessary help in doing so. There are five people plus the therapist that know my secret to the true reason for the depression. One of those five actually guessed my secret on this past Friday night. I was shocked that he/she could have guessed it, however this person seems to think that one of my siblings should be told too. I feel that the sibling doesn't know how to keep a secret of this magnitude to himself/herself. My family will learn the secret when I have the courage to face off against the person that I have protected for so long.
As time continues to pass, my life has become more complicated. I have started to develop a rift with the family I grew up with. I have also caused my own family to question my judgment because of the rift that has developed between that specific family and myself. Both families are trying to control me and keep me "in control" in the way that they want me to be. This will not be going over well when they all realize that I will be fighting them due the control that they are trying to force upon me. I will not be controlled by anyone that I consider not trustworthy enough to know my secret. I also know that my mind is not stable enough to do any form of "settling down". Until my secret has been confronted and is in the open, my mind will never be able to consider having a family.
I have removed all connections to my emotions. I have done this to protect other people from my secret. In doing this I went straight into a depression due to the lack of emotions that I had. I also became a danger to anyone that "set me off" because I would have a "black out" during the time that I was "set off" for. I have gone through therapy, in the past, to end the "snapping period" and now I am back again to end the depression. Time is the only thing that is a constant here, and time may be against me too. I have begun to let a small number of people to know my secret, and in the process I now have those people that I can talk to about how I really am doing. It always helps when you can talk to others, however it is difficult when you know you can't talk to your own family.
I have destroyed my own life because I went into a depression. The depression lasted for over a decade, and I am still having problems trying to end it. I know that the only true way to end my depression is to either face the secret head on, or to have my emotions reconnected. The two things are connected to ending the depression because each one means the same thing. For me to do either one, I will have the other involved in the process. It is difficult to face-off against your best friend, however that phrase is for the past. Now I consider the best friend as just a friend that I have protected for too long. The more that I look upon the past; the more I have realized that I shouldn't have done what I did. I should have faced-off with that friend earlier because I would have kept my sanity.
I know that my sanity is in question. I have questioned it a lot because of the fact that I have lost the emotional connection that everyone has. For the time being I have "bits and pieces" of fragments of emotions, however I do not have a direct connection to the emotions. When my "snapping periods" ended and laughter was returned, it made these fragments of emotions to show up. Where I don't have a direct connection to those emotions, I have been unable to feel things, as I should. When I finally have the connection restored, I will be able to consider the ability to "settle-down". Until I am able to do that, I will be continuing life as I have in the past. I will be doing my life one day at a time.
What to do with my life has been a question for a while now. Ever since I finally emitted to myself what was the true reason for the depression, I have considered a multitude of things to do with my life. This is why I have put myself into therapy because I do not trust where my mind was going. The therapy should be able to help me reconnect the emotional connection that I lost when I went into my depression. I always seemed to be a nice person, however I never expressed any emotions to say anything otherwise. I did have those "snapping periods" but a few people saw those, and most people didn't believe those people when they tried to say anything bad about me.
I have a lot of control over my mental state, where I have kept my secret this long and the fact I have repressed my emotions for the time frame that I have. I have had a few people try to hypnotize me, however were unsuccessful because of the control I have. A person cannot be hypnotized when the person has a degree of control of his/her mind that I have. Where I do not allow my mind to do anything without some degree of control, no one else is able to take control of it either. The strength of my will is stronger than what most people would be, and this is because of the fact that I am hiding the secret from everyone.
My life has been a long one that involved me protecting others from a secret. In protecting others, I have sacrificed myself and caused a lot of pain & suffering to myself in the process. To hide from the past by acting like nothing anyone says can hurt you, is the wrong way to deal with life. When I had the chance to confront the problem, I hid and felt that my life was not worth more than a specific friendship. The instant that I thought that I put myself into the depression that I still suffers from. When there was any sign that I was keeping people at a distance, I should have seen a therapist because of the unhealthiness that is involved into doing that.
People will soon realize that I will not allow him/her to control my life. I have always obeyed my family and friends when it dealt with my life, and now I will not allow it to happen. For me to end my depression, I have to gain control. Until I am able to have that necessary control, which all of us need, I will be unable to do anything close to "settling down". People are starting to realize that I am not the same person I was months ago. I have begun to make judgment decisions that I feel are right regardless of what other people think. This is causing people to question what is going on in my head because he/she would never think that I would choose to do some of the things that I have been doing. I have done what I feel is right. I will do what is right regardless of what friends/friendships I will have to sacrifice in the process.
Time can only tell what the future holds. Time is what many people don't have left because I will not obey as I have in the past. I will take the necessary stand to finally get over the fact I was a victim when I was younger. I have people that have been helping me, regardless of what my friends & family think of them. I will do what is necessary to end the depression, which I know means that I will have to sacrifice a long time friendship. This sacrifice is necessary because this person is the root of my depression. To end the depression I must confront him/her, and in doing that the friendship will end.
It is interesting when people talk about trust. Trust is something that can be taken away from you just as easily as it is given to you. You always have to earn trust, however to earn trust you must be given some trust to work with. There are multiple stages of trust, and many families have a great amount of trust between everyone in that family. People can earn this type of trust when he/she is/becomes a close friend to that family.
Having the trust of a family takes a lot to earn. Over the years of being around the family, you will start to earn bits and pieces of that trust. This trust is connected to the amount of respect that people have for you. I have this type of trust through multiple people, and I have given this type of trust to multiple people. With the most recent fight that I have been having with a specific family, I have removed a lot of the trust that I have with that family. I have also removed a lot of the trust I have with my own family. This will cause many problems after time.
I have begun to see a different side to both my family, and this specific family. I have started to distrust everyone in the two families because of the reaction to a most recent judgment call. Both families have told me that I was wrong in telling a friend (and his/her family) about a verbal assault that I received from the specific family. I told these people about the verbal assault because I felt that this friend (and his/her family) deserved to know about what was said against him/her. This is a judgment call that deals with the friendship that I have with this friend. My family and the family that the verbal assault came from have both told me that I was wrong in doing this.
My mother has told me that if I hear about anything that can be very "hurtful" towards a lot of people, I am to keep it to myself. I double-checked into what she meant, and she said that I am to keep any bad things to myself. I can discuss things with other people, however I am not to approach anyone, whatsoever, that could be harmed with the information. I see this statement as the wrong thing to tell someone. I have a secret that will damage everyone, however in my mother's statement I am not allowed to speak of it. This should be interesting.
I know that my trust with those two families is extremely low, right now. I believe that I did the right thing, however my mother has also told I that it is my opinion that I did the right thing. She also said that it wasn't the right thing to do; however it is my opinion nonetheless. In saying this statement, I know that I have lost a lot of trust with her. I can act like nothing is wrong, however it will take its toll on me after time. I know that the family that the verbal assault came from, I will not be able to look at them the same ever again.
The said part is that the family that the verbal assault came from has a direct connect to the secret that I have bared for too long. People know that I have been coming out of a depression for the last while (15 months). Very few people know what the real reason behind the depression was, and my mother is unwilling to believe that it was a depression (she says it was a "rut"). Most parents are unwilling to see something as bad as a depression to be involved with his/her children, and this is why my mother has so much of a problem with my definition of the thing I went through. When it comes time to finally approach the two families about the secret, I know that neither one will trust the other again. I also know that both families will have to choose sides and deal with the consequences of his/her choice. If this past fight is any indication, I will be separated from my family and looked at as an outsider because of this secret. This will show that blood is not thicker than water. I expect to lose my family in the process of gaining my sanity.
I have begun to have a war amongst my family & friends, and what is sad is the fact that I haven't even scratched the surface of the true battle. The true reason for my depression, my secret, is the true battle. I have hidden from this secret for too long, and now I am taking necessary percussions to help me through the secret. For me to end the depression that has lasted longer than a decade, I will have to cause a lot of hurt by speaking the truth. As I did the right thing dealing with the words that were used against me in the verbal assault last month, I will have to cause hurt to everyone to have my depression end.
I know that I will have a hell of a fight to have the truth come out. The more "snooping" that I do into the past, I find more ways to "connect the dots". I hope that I can pin down the appropriate time that the situation of the secret started. It has been difficult for me to do this because I don't want anyone to realize what I am doing. If certain people learned what I am doing, then those people would know that I am preparing to no longer hide from the past. This would cause certain people to panic; however regardless of who knows what I will have the past come into the light. I will no longer protect everyone of the community from this because I am unable to keep my sanity if this continues.
With the amount of hate that people feel dealing with the subject of my secret, it will be interesting how certain people deal with the past being brought into the light. I know that my family will be shattered because they didn't see something wrong happening, and I know that they will have great difficulties to trust others again. I also know that the other family involved will be shocked, become separated due to taking sides, and have a lot of "damage control" be put through the community. I know that the "damage control" would include saying that I was lying and nothing I can say can prove otherwise. I know that I will become an enemy of the community because I am no longer willing to hide from the secret, and I will no longer protect those that are involved.
Judging by the way that my family reacted to me informing people of "hurtful" information, I have realized that my family will never be ready to hear about my secret. I am having problems enough trying to have them believe that I was in a depression for over a decade, and they didn't see it. I can imagine how hard it would be to have them believe that the secret is true. This will be a battle all on its own to prove what I am saying is true. I am having problems enough to build the courage to face the secret in the first place. When I finally have the courage to face the person(s) that is involved with my secret, I will have enough courage to face my parents. Until I am able to face the problem, no one of my family will know about the secret.
It should become obvious to people that I will be staying away from certain people, for the next while. People should also start to realize that I will be avoiding to have both parents question me at the same time. I have given the odd "blunt" hint that something is wrong, however no one has realized what I have been saying. I have said that the most recent problem with the person that gave me the verbal assault, was only a small chip compared to what I am dealing with. Until someone actually spells out for my family that something is wrong, it will be seen that nothing is wrong.
I have found that my family will turn a blind eye to things because they are unwilling to accept that something is wrong. This is rather unfortunate because there are signs all around us when something is wrong. My parents are ignoring those signs because they choice to not see anything bad happening to their own children. This will bite them in the butt when my secret finally comes out. God help them because he/she is the only one that can help them after the secret is released.
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