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04-24-03 · 01-06-04 · 01-08-04 · 03-30-04 · 04-05-04 · 05-06-04 ·
Many people have told me is the past couple of months to "think about growing up". I have yet to take that advise and do it as anything. My friends & family have told me that same thing when I was in grade 12 and when I was in college, however I have not done it yet. Now I am starting to feel "old" where my sister and her friends are going to college/university soon.
Some people grow up faster than other people; this can be both good and bad depending on the person. I have found that if you stay as "a child by heart" you have the ability to continue in life and still keep a certain innocents at the same time. There are many people that have a problem with a person over 19 years of age to still be "a child by heart", and those same people are the ones that are telling me to "grow up". I haven't listened to anybody so far, and unless something weird happens, I probably won't listen to those people. I have used the excuse to many people that tell me to "grow up" that if they knew my younger brother ("grew up" - at least in these people's eyes - in high school), that's why I refuse to "grow up" (ego very big).
Recently I heard my sister and her friends talking about the whole "marriage" thing. They mentioned that one pair of friends are already engaged to be married, and there is another friend that is being pressured by her "boy friend" to get married after high school, but she wants to wait until she has a career. In my opinion, the "boy friend" is pressuring because he either feels that she may find someone better than him in college/university, or he is trying to get in her pants (if he hasn't been there yet). It is most likely a cross between the two.
I know that many of my graduate class from high school were into getting married before having a career, and some of them are still waiting to move out of their parents' house. Some of those had moved out to be with their boy friend, and now are back (with child) and are unable to have a career yet. There are also some of those people that were voted "most likely to succeed" and got "home sick" and left college/university to go home. Each of those people were considered "already grown up" and they are currently unable to succeed in life. However, there are some that made it but there are just a few of them. I am still "a child by heart" as I was in high school, and many people have a problem with that. I say that people should be more like me and try to keep some innocents with you when dealing with the "real world". There is a better chance to succeed in life if you can look at all angles without having a "strain of the brain" compared to those that "grew up" and have problems seeing how to have "fun" again.
For many people "growing up" means that you will have to sacrifice any innocents that you have left from being young. This also means to ignore anything that would let you have some "fun". For those that want you to "grow up" they have already done it and want you to do it too. For a person like me, that is not a sacrifice I am willing to make. That is a sacrifice I probably won't make in my lifetime, unless of course I am stuck in a hospital bed for a long period of time. Even then, I would retract the sacrifice when I got out of the hospital. So it would actually be a temporary sacrifice.
Many people have a different outlook on life. There are some that believe that life is a choice, and you can choose to end it whenever you want to. There are some that believe that life is a right, which makes the choice to continue living or not, have the ability to be taken from you. There are also some that believe that life is the first step to something better. For every one of these beliefs, each one of these people will ask you and others what the meaning of life is. No matter the person, the question is always presented one way or the other.
The question of "the meaning of life" will be one that multiple answers because everyone is different. There is no true answer to the question because no one really knows for sure. Many people will try to prove that his/her answer is the right one, however never be able truly know one way or the other. This is one of those things that people will always wonder about because the answer that is giving cannot not truly be proven or denied. Philosophers have been trying to give a proper answer to the question for a long time now, and they have yet to come up with an answer that everyone will follow. The reason behind this is because of the religions that exist, the different outlooks that people have, and the need to be right that everyone possesses. These reasons will stop the ability to come to one true solution, however mankind also has the unwitting need to come to an answer so it will be an endless loop to come to a true solution to the question.
As time continues on, I have begun to realize that everyone has a need to make decisions about his/her life. The decisions that are required about his/her life involve the need to question your own life and how it can be better. Whether it is necessary to continue your life as it is, or to get more mature about your own life. Also this will give the person the need to question other people's lives at the same time. When a person starts to question his/her own life, the person can become slightly annoying to everyone around him/her because of the attitude of him/her and the type of questions that he/she will ask you.
I have been asked about how I felt about my life, several times throughout the last two weeks. Most of the people that asked me were family. I haven't really thought about my life that much, in that way anyhow. I guess that really should have by now because of my age. Most people my age have already settled down and have his/her lives planned out enough to mature to the next level. For myself, I never saw any reason to do that until recently. With my friends getting married and starting to get a better control of his/her lives, I have begun to realize that I need to do that soon too. I have had many family members tell me that I should have considered "settling down" and having a family of my own a long time ago, whatever that means. I haven't really seen the need to do that because the less I thought about it, the younger I felt. It has been brought to my attention that I need to change the way I think before I get too old to have a family of my own. It is difficult for me to emit to but I think I agree with him/her that I need to start thinking further along in life than what I am doing for the next couple of weeks.
I have always looked at life as a child would, and I have seen no problem with that until recently. I would have as much fun as a person could have, without causing too much trouble for anyone. I have also had a lot of energy from doing this, so I really seemed to still be young. It is sad for me to see that this type of stuff will need to come to an end, so that I can more on to a more "mature" type of attitude. I have always turned my back onto doing the "mature" type of attitude because I saw, and still can see, no fun into doing something like that. Just as someone that is young that is just told that he/she is going to be a parent, the need to become more "mature" comes up. Unfortunately that is exactly what I will have to do, to be able to settle down at my age. I know that it will be difficult for someone like myself and perhaps close to impossible, however I do know that making the attempt will be the first step (and the hardest for me).
My love for life and being as free as I am have gotten me this far in life, and doing something more "mature" seems like I am giving in to everyone else. Well technically I am, because I am finally seeing what everyone has been talking about. I still don't really have a "need" to become "mature", but I know that the "young" attitude I have needs to come to an end to continue in life. I also feel like the family members that have ridiculed me for being "immature" (in his/her eyes), are finally going to win. It pains me to know that he/she has begun to win just because I have begun to second-guess myself for the way I do things.
I have lost many years of my life from being depressed, and now I am going to lose the rest of my life through becoming more "mature". I feel a great loss due to these thoughts about becoming more "mature". I currently believe that I am "mature" enough (and be as responsible) to have the steady job, however I also know that I have been missing something in my life. I have been told that if I acted my age for now on that I would finally find what I am missing, maturity, however I doubt it. I know that it sounds really weird to any of you reading this, especially where you don't know my age; but it is all the truth.
I have also noticed in the past few days that I am unable to get a good night's rest. I believe that the question to become more "mature" has caused me less sleep than anyone could have expected. I know that it is annoying that I come to work just as tired (if not worse) as I left work the night before. I have found that something like this will gnaw at me for a long time to come. I hope that the family members that have told me to become more "mature" like what his/her words have done to me. In the past when I was depressed, something like this wouldn't bother me because I didn't care about anything like this. Now where I refuse to be depressed again, something like this will gnaw at me for a while yet.
I have known for all my life, that my life isn't perfect. Hell it my life was perfect, I wouldn't have a website like this one in existence. I wouldn't have the ability to show the world it's own faults because I wouldn't have the ability. Thankfully I am not perfect because I know this website needs to be around to show everyone that life is not perfect. I have family members that want to control everything & everyone that he/she has met with. These family members seem to bicker about other family members, such as myself, when he/she is unable to control me the way that he/she wants to control me. These family members also believe that anyone that is not in his/her social level (snobs), he/she doesn't want to be seen in public with (such as myself). In these family members' eyes, I have decided to waste my life away and already have settled for the first job that came my way. Just think of what he/she would say about me if he/she knew about this website. I will be disowned multiple times over, and I can honestly say that I would be glad because people like that in the world cause more problems than he/she is worth.
My life is supposed to be my life to control and experience in the time that is available to me, however that is what everyone believes but isn't true. I have never really cared about what others thought about me, especially when I was depressed, but I have also always wanted to please as many people as I could at the same time. I didn't care what people thought of me, I just wanted to make everyone happy. As you all know, it is impossible to make everyone happy. Although it gets said "your life is yours and yours to control", no really means it when he/she says it. Usually when that saying is said, the person is telling you to "do what you think is right, as long as it is what I want you to do". These people have a tendency to be on your side except these people are just trying to get your trust, so that he/she can control you himself/herself.
I know from looking into my past that I have made a lot of bad choices. I also know that there is nothing I can do to change that, but I will still feel the "regret" I have been feeling lately because of those decisions. During my depressed state I pushed people away that wanted to help, and kept people that wanted me to stay depressed close to me. I chose the wrong people to listen to, and without knowing who to trust, chose the wrong ones. I also "regret" the fact that I went into a depressed state in the first place. Instead of taking care of the problem that I had, I hid from it. Doing stuff like that will "haunt" me for a long time and I will always "regret" it, but I won't have it control me. I have just started to scratch the surface of my emotions and "regret" is one of them.
My life has had very few ups and a lot of downs. These are the decisions that I made with my life. These are the choices I felt were in my best interest at the time. Now I see many of them were wrong, but the only way a person can learn is through mistakes. I just wish it didn't take so many years for me to see the mistakes. Although I have been told to become more "mature" by family members, there is a high chance that it could be a mistake to do it. I know that I need to "grow up more" however I do not think that my "maturity" is what needs to change. I know that mostly everyone will say that "growing up" and "maturity" is the same thing, but I do not think so. In my eyes, "maturity" is to be responsible for your own actions/responsibilities, and "growing up" is to being "young minded" (having fun with life). For some of the younger generations using the term "maturity" is the same thing as "growing up" because most children refuse to take responsibility for any of his/her actions/responsibilities. That is also why many people believe that one is the same as the other, when it isn't.
I know that it is much easier to blame other people for any of the decisions that I have made in the past. I could do this and think that I am invincible, however I would also be cheating myself out of the experience to take responsibility for my actions. When you are able to take the responsibility for your own actions, you have started to become "mature". This is also why I feel so much "regret" for my life because I see that I screwed up my life all on my own, and there is no one to blame but myself. So the "regret" for my mistakes are what I have been feeling lately, and I do not expect to stop feeling that way for a long time yet to come. This is part of the healing process from being depressed for that amount of time, and in a way it will help me become more "mature" in accepting those mistakes that I "regret".
My life is just as unbalanced as everyone else's lives are. The difference is that most people my age have "matured" past the part that I am just starting at. I also know that I will take me longer than most people to get past this stage because for most people it only takes a week or two to get past it. It took a week or two for me to realize that I was in the stage of "regret" and I know it will probably take me at least 3-4 months to get through this on my own. I will do this on my own because I will not feel more "mature" if I had help getting through the stage of "regret". To come out of a depressed state is hard enough, I did it on my own which is a miracle (as I have been told). To get through the "regret" I feel will take time but will be easier than coming out of a depressed state.
As life continues for many of us, the more life seems to be complicated. As life continues, it seems that your choices for your own life will vary and become more difficult to decide on. The older that we get, we seem to have greater problems deciding on how to continue on with our lives. These things I have begun to notice as of lately.
There are many decisions that we have problems figuring out the best way to go as a solution. The decisions we have the greatest problems with, when you get older, is who to trust and where to keep them in your life. To be able to trust someone, today, is more difficult because in the past most people could be trustworthy. Now, most people are his/her own reasons to have you trust them. This has caused a lot of people to be wary with anyone that tries to earn your trust.
The decision on where to have other people in your life, and how close to let them; is a more difficult thing to decide on. The reason it is more difficult is because it is difficult to trust anyone to respect your wishes, and it is difficult to properly decide your emotional outlook on other people. Some people you will always want close, but not too close; and some people you don't want close to you at all. It is difficult to see who would be best for what position, however decisions like this are requested upon everyone every day.
To allow a person to know how you think and feel makes you trust that person a lot. When deeper feelings are used with this trust, your dependency of that person increases. If that person were to betray you/your trust, you have great difficulties in trusting that person or anyone else. This is the problem with the world today with everybody. The trust that people will earn/give can be taken away in a second if that trust is betrayed. There is always the chance to be hurt by other people, and the true strength of a person can be determined by how he/she proceeds after having his/her trust betrayed by another person.
Where most people you will meet, you will not trust immediately, which makes many people on edge when meeting new people. The world today is full of people that enjoy taking advantage of anyone that he/she finds that has his/her guard down. These people, in my opinion, should all be killed. These are the type of people that cheat people as much as possible, and make any good-hearted person distrust anyone that he/she meets. These types of people are usually politicians, however in more peaceful places these people can be anyone. It is unfortunate to say, however it is the truth. The ability to stop these people from gaining power over other people is starting to dwindle because everyone has problems trusting other people.
When a good-hearted person tries to make friends, everyone will be distrustful of the person because you will always look for the "other" reason behind this person trying to be your friend. In turn, the person has greater difficulties making friends and has a high chance to get hurt by other people in the process. I have been told lately, that I am one, of the very few, good-hearted people around today. I seem to trust everyone the first time that I meet him/her. I have the type of policy that I will show you a little bit of trust, however if you take advantage of that, you will not get any more. I use this type of policy at work, where I serve the public. To show some trust towards your customers, you show that there is still some good in the world. In turn, most people will show the same amount of trust to you; and others in the future. When you are able to do this to absolute strangers, you have a chance to gain some allies (not necessarily friends) in this world. If you are unable to trust some strangers, you have very little hope to gain new friends. Trust is a two-way highway; you will always need to show some trust to get that trust back. If you are unwilling to show the trust, what is the likelihood that the other person will show any trust too?
Life is full of uncertainties, however it is up to you to decide how to deal with those uncertainties. Some people will fight against everyone that he/she comes across, and some will not fight them. The decision is yours to trust people or fight against them, however I can say honestly that the world would be a safer place if more people trusted one and another. There are some people in the world that you can't trust, however showing some trust to everyone can prove to help you in the world. Whether the person is trying to hurt you or not, doesn't matter, it is the fact that you make the attempt to be a good person. This jester can make a difference in your life. It can help you talk with strangers, not necessarily about personal stuff, just being able to do "small talk" with him/her. This ability will help find people you can trust more easily than if you waited for him/her to make the first move.
Life is too short to keep people at a distance. I know from personal experience because I was in a state of depression for a good length of time. My family and friends knew that I was always in a foul mood, but didn't realize that I was depressed. They didn't realize that I was depressed until I finally admitted to it, myself. I wouldn't let anyone be close to me because I couldn't feel the necessity to have him/her close to me. My family/friends were never close enough to me to see what was wrong with me. I had family/friends that made me be social with them to try to get closer to me. I did the social things, had a little fun with him/her, but didn't let him/her close enough to me to see the problem. This was a bad move for me to do. For me to shut out everyone, and the emotions too was the worst move I have ever done. This depressed state that I was in; I am trying to recover from. The depressed state caused me to keep everyone at a distance, which caused me to look like a heartless bastard. This was the only way that I saw that I could deal with the world and not be hurt by the world at the same time. I believed that if I couldn't feel the hurt, I couldn't be hurt. I was wrong in this logic.
As I look back on my life, I see that I have wasted the part of my life that I was depressed. I regret almost everything that I did during that part of my life. The only positive thing that I can see about going through that depressed state is that I can see the warning signs in other people. I am able to see how close a person is getting to the line of depression, and I am able to try to help the person not cross that line. For a person to be depressed, it is sad to see and even worse for a person to experience. I will be dwelling over the fact I was depressed for the 10+ years because it was the biggest mistake of my life; and I have done quite a few bad mistakes. The best thing that I have done in my life is deciding to come out of the depressed state, and actually following through on it. Being depressed is not something I would wish upon my worst enemy, and definitely wouldn't advise any of you to attempt.
Although you control your life, I advise that you know your limits. Many people will tempt fate by pushing his/her own limits. The problem with this is that most people do not know his/her own limits, and will go to far with those limits. Life is unpredictable and can be costly to many people. Those that feel that life is too hard will try to take his/her own life. For those people it seems like the right thing to do, however it is the "coward's way" to deal with life. The pain and suffering that your loved ones will feel is too great a cost for someone to do. Those that do the "coward's way" to deal with life, do not consider the consequences of his/her actions. Life is here to experience, not to destroy. If you end your life too early, you are causing unnecessary pain and suffering. During my depressed state I considered death as an end, however I saw that it wasn't an option. Those that make an attempt for the end of his/her life, I can understand the need for an easy way out, however I cannot understand if he/she does it.
Everyone has a limit onto his/her own life. With the way that fate/destiny works, you are unable to predict the limits that your life has. Without the proper knowledge you will be doomed into not knowing when your time is up. It is my experience to test your limits, within standards, but not to test your life span. There were many times, countless times, that I considered ending my life. As you can see I am still here. Although I didn't feel any emotions during my depressed state, I knew how much my life was worth. There is no excuse to end your own life. To be depressed is a form of ending your life that very few can come back from doing. Many people end up in mental institutions due to this aspect. I see that life has more to offer when trust others and allow them to trust you. Without trust, there can be no true friendship with anyone. Also without friendships you will not experience the true nature to life.
Life gives you countless experiences; it is up to you whether you can have the courage to try some of the experiences. It is sad to see people unwilling to do something new. It is disturbing to me to see friends on the brink of depression. It is also disturbing to know that I can help them away from that brink if I am allowed to be closer to that person. I have friends that do not know what to do with his/her life, and also doesn't trust anyone enough to help him/her to experience new things. When a person starts to push away people that want to help him/her, the person will seem to be cruel to other people. Life can be cruel to good people; it just gives him/her another reason to fight to stay positive. After time life will seem better, you just need to take the bad things with the good ones. Many times it will seem like there are more bad times than good, however your friends are there to help you through them. If you turn away the friendships that life provides you, you are turning your back on the best part of life.
When people don't allow friends to be closer to him/her are denying the ability to have stronger friendships. I know from personal experience with that because of that depressed state I was in. I can see now that I could have been a better person if I allowed people to be close to me, however I was stupid enough to push them away. Although I have friends that have been with me from the start, I should have had more than what I have now. When you limit your friends, and how close that he/she was allowed to be close to you, causes unnecessary friction between you and your friends. When I was asked in the past about doing my life over, when I was depressed, I would say that my life was fine the way it was. Now as I look back, my answer is to change the fact I was depressed when I was. To stop a mistake like that from happening could have a better thing to happen to me rather than to just do it the same way again.
There are many questions about life, and what life involves. I know that many people are looking for the meaning of life too, however that is an answer that no one can truly answer because no one really knows. The only way to find out the answer to the meaning of life is to talk to the one that created all life. For some people that would involve a religious belief, some will want to involve aliens, and others will involve the scientific books.
There are also times that you will ask yourself what your life is really worth. Many of us will not have an answer to that because we are unable to think that you can put a price on life. There will be times that you will know whether your life is worth more than another person's life. There will be times that you will ask yourself if another person's life is worth more than yours is. These questions will arise when you start to consider what you have done in your life, and whether you can do much more with it.
In the past I have had these thoughts. I have decided, in the past, that one person's life was worth more than my own. When I decided this, I put myself into a depression. I disconnected myself from my own emotions so that I could make sure that the secret I was hiding couldn't be drawn out. This enabled me to seem in control, however at the same time become a target on every bully's radar. When a person is unwilling to fight back, and show no emotion in doing so, the person tends to draw the wrong attention.
My life has involved a lot of pain & suffering. I went through this pain & suffering to keep a friendship and to protect those people around me. I didn't want to give these people any pain & suffering, so I caused myself to go into the depression. The more time that went by during this depression, the harder it became to show no emotion. At times I would have a "snapping period" that would release all the built up emotion, all at once. This would normally happen when I slept, and I would wake up knowing it happened because I would 1) feel more control of myself and 2) something that was by my bed would be across the room in a million pieces. I had this happen once when I was awake, that I can remember. I choked a person that "pushed my buttons too much", had a person ten times stronger than me restrain me, I over powered the person, and for that time people feared me. It was a 15-minute burst of emotion, and I didn't remember it happening until 3 months later. The positive side is that the person deserved it.
It is never healthy for anyone to wiling put himself/herself in harms way like that. For a person to choose to sacrifice himself/herself, as I did, to protect others can have extremely harmful side effects. An example of the side effects being the "snapping period" as described above. To have emotional outbreaks rather than to experience emotions as they come is a sacrifice that no one would do to the extent that I did. I will be having therapy to help me reverse the damage of removing emotions from my mind. I will be going through a lot of emotional pain & suffering because of the amount of time it will take to reconnect everything.
I also will be working between the times of the therapy, and hoping that the changes that I will be experiencing will not stop me from working. I know that if I were to be in school when I decide to do such a drastic thing, I would wait until the summer so that I would have more time available for the therapy. I would also do it during the summer to be sure that if I have a breakdown, I would not do it around a public area.
If I had the ability to change my past, I would. I know now that the depression was not the thing to do. To protect that friendship and everyone around me is an honorable thing to do, however is not the right thing to do. The secret should have come out back at the time it was suppose to. If I had the chance I would have stopped the situation from happening too so that the secret never would have happened. I would stop that type of situation from happening to anyone of the community too, just to make it so that the pain & suffering of the community never happened.
It is rather unfortunate that we cannot change our past because stopping this type of pain & suffering would be worth whatever cost to one's self to have it all stop. We may not be able to change the past, however we still have the ability to stop the past from haunting us. The past does not have the ability to stop the future, regardless of what you feel about your own life. There is always something that you can do to make any pain & suffering end for you or those around you. You may need to cause more pain & suffering to make it all goes away, however it is still possible to end the pain & suffering.
I have realized after a lot of thought, and talking to those that know my secret, that my life is worth more than I believed it to be. I never believed that my life was worth that much before the depression because I felt that there was something wrong with me for letting the "secret" happen. After the depression had a full grip, I felt my life wasn't worth anything because I went into the depression. I know that every once in a while I will feel that my life is not worth anything, and I believe this is a natural thing for a victim of something to feel.
I do have times that I have a lot of self-doubt about myself. I do still have times that I feel that my sanity is not worth the pain & suffering I am about to inflict into the world. With the help of a special friend I am able to realize that the pain & suffering I have obtained due to my depression, I didn't deserve. There will always be self-doubt about everything, however I know that I cannot truly be happy in life if I stay depressed.
It is rather interesting when it is said that you get to live your life the way that you want to. I have been considering that statement lately, and realizing that the statement is false. The statement is false because your friends and family will try to butt into your life and control it so that your life is no longer yours to deal with. When people start ordering you around and telling you what to do, your life is no longer your life; it is those people that are ordering you around. There is a difference between suggestions and orders, and 90% of the time it is orders. The other catch is that when a person does a suggestion, he/she wants you to do what he/she suggested without thinking of it as an order. This is the reality of everything in your life.
I have always been a "free spirit" when dealing with life. Although I have been in a depression, I still was a "free spirit". I would do things on the "spur of the moment" and not care what people thought about it. I also have always tried to keep everyone happy. I never seemed to stand up for myself when around my family and certain friends, however I felt that some fights shouldn't be fought. I would stand up for myself when I believe that it was a fight that I wanted to fight. This made me seem to never stand up for myself around many people because I never saw the need to do so around those people.
When a person is trying to decide what to do with his/her life, it becomes difficult when everyone else tries to decide for you. I have no problem with how my life has been heading, being still single and all that stuff. I have started to be pressured to "settle-down" and "get a life" by the two families that I grew up with, which is my family and another family. The two sets of families do not know me well enough to say something like that. The two sets of families are also trying to keep me away from another family. I have responded in the same fashion that any person would when his/her judgment is being questioned enough to be considered to be wrong.
I have begun to keep people at a distance because I feel it is necessary. I have done this because I am beginning to end my depression with the necessary help in doing so. There are five people plus the therapist that know my secret to the true reason for the depression. One of those five actually guessed my secret on this past Friday night. I was shocked that he/she could have guessed it, however this person seems to think that one of my siblings should be told too. I feel that the sibling doesn't know how to keep a secret of this magnitude to himself/herself. My family will learn the secret when I have the courage to face off against the person that I have protected for so long.
As time continues to pass, my life has become more complicated. I have started to develop a rift with the family I grew up with. I have also caused my own family to question my judgment because of the rift that has developed between that specific family and myself. Both families are trying to control me and keep me "in control" in the way that they want me to be. This will not be going over well when they all realize that I will be fighting them due the control that they are trying to force upon me. I will not be controlled by anyone that I consider not trustworthy enough to know my secret. I also know that my mind is not stable enough to do any form of "settling down". Until my secret has been confronted and is in the open, my mind will never be able to consider having a family.
I have removed all connections to my emotions. I have done this to protect other people from my secret. In doing this I went straight into a depression due to the lack of emotions that I had. I also became a danger to anyone that "set me off" because I would have a "black out" during the time that I was "set off" for. I have gone through therapy, in the past, to end the "snapping period" and now I am back again to end the depression. Time is the only thing that is a constant here, and time may be against me too. I have begun to let a small number of people to know my secret, and in the process I now have those people that I can talk to about how I really am doing. It always helps when you can talk to others, however it is difficult when you know you can't talk to your own family.
I have destroyed my own life because I went into a depression. The depression lasted for over a decade, and I am still having problems trying to end it. I know that the only true way to end my depression is to either face the secret head on, or to have my emotions reconnected. The two things are connected to ending the depression because each one means the same thing. For me to do either one, I will have the other involved in the process. It is difficult to face-off against your best friend, however that phrase is for the past. Now I consider the best friend as just a friend that I have protected for too long. The more that I look upon the past; the more I have realized that I shouldn't have done what I did. I should have faced-off with that friend earlier because I would have kept my sanity.
I know that my sanity is in question. I have questioned it a lot because of the fact that I have lost the emotional connection that everyone has. For the time being I have "bits and pieces" of fragments of emotions, however I do not have a direct connection to the emotions. When my "snapping periods" ended and laughter was returned, it made these fragments of emotions to show up. Where I don't have a direct connection to those emotions, I have been unable to feel things, as I should. When I finally have the connection restored, I will be able to consider the ability to "settle-down". Until I am able to do that, I will be continuing life as I have in the past. I will be doing my life one day at a time.
What to do with my life has been a question for a while now. Ever since I finally emitted to myself what was the true reason for the depression, I have considered a multitude of things to do with my life. This is why I have put myself into therapy because I do not trust where my mind was going. The therapy should be able to help me reconnect the emotional connection that I lost when I went into my depression. I always seemed to be a nice person, however I never expressed any emotions to say anything otherwise. I did have those "snapping periods" but a few people saw those, and most people didn't believe those people when they tried to say anything bad about me.
I have a lot of control over my mental state, where I have kept my secret this long and the fact I have repressed my emotions for the time frame that I have. I have had a few people try to hypnotize me, however were unsuccessful because of the control I have. A person cannot be hypnotized when the person has a degree of control of his/her mind that I have. Where I do not allow my mind to do anything without some degree of control, no one else is able to take control of it either. The strength of my will is stronger than what most people would be, and this is because of the fact that I am hiding the secret from everyone.
My life has been a long one that involved me protecting others from a secret. In protecting others, I have sacrificed myself and caused a lot of pain & suffering to myself in the process. To hide from the past by acting like nothing anyone says can hurt you, is the wrong way to deal with life. When I had the chance to confront the problem, I hid and felt that my life was not worth more than a specific friendship. The instant that I thought that I put myself into the depression that I still suffers from. When there was any sign that I was keeping people at a distance, I should have seen a therapist because of the unhealthiness that is involved into doing that.
People will soon realize that I will not allow him/her to control my life. I have always obeyed my family and friends when it dealt with my life, and now I will not allow it to happen. For me to end my depression, I have to gain control. Until I am able to have that necessary control, which all of us need, I will be unable to do anything close to "settling down". People are starting to realize that I am not the same person I was months ago. I have begun to make judgment decisions that I feel are right regardless of what other people think. This is causing people to question what is going on in my head because he/she would never think that I would choose to do some of the things that I have been doing. I have done what I feel is right. I will do what is right regardless of what friends/friendships I will have to sacrifice in the process.
Time can only tell what the future holds. Time is what many people don't have left because I will not obey as I have in the past. I will take the necessary stand to finally get over the fact I was a victim when I was younger. I have people that have been helping me, regardless of what my friends & family think of them. I will do what is necessary to end the depression, which I know means that I will have to sacrifice a long time friendship. This sacrifice is necessary because this person is the root of my depression. To end the depression I must confront him/her, and in doing that the friendship will end.
We all have difficult lives at times. We have our ups and our downs; and no one can predict how you will feel the next day. This type of shift in us can be defined as a mood swing. We all have times that our moods with change depending on what is going on in our lives. We can be in a good mood if a sports team wins, someone surprises us, or if we have a good nights sleep. These things can give us a good mood, however the negative side of each can put us in a bad mood. It is also possible to have a mood that makes you seem neutral about everything.
We all go through a lot in our lives. We have a lot of negative things that happen to us, and many of us take longer to go through them than others. We also have some positive things that happen to us that we all will try to dwell in as long as possible. We have these things happen because this is what the real world throws at us. The point in life is to survive everything negative/positive that is thrown at us, and still care about us after it all is said and done.
Society will try to protect us when things appear that society feels that it must protect us from. Many times, society is protecting itself from the danger of the people finding the courage to think for himself/herself. When the people can think for themselves, society as a whole is not required to exist any more. Society will protect itself regardless of the life that must be destroyed to do so. This is a true fact about society because the survival instinct is in every one of us, and society (as a whole) has the same needs as each of us.
Our lives will change according to the experiences that we all have. Some of us will find friends through positive experiences, and some of us will find those friends through negative experiences. These friends that we obtain will be the extra strength that we will possess in our lives. All friendships that we have are extra pieces to ourselves that exist. We have trust with these people that we call friends, and we can have our friends as an extra bit of strength when we need them. The strength that our friends can give us will help us decide how to deal with certain situations that may/will arise in our lives.
People will always say that our life is ours to live; however that saying is not really true. We will always try to live our lives, but the obstacle that is always in the way is society. Society will say that your life is yours to live, but there is a catch. The catch is the fact that you can do what you want as long as it doesn't endanger society (as a whole). Society will force us to obey this concept because society will prevent us from doing anything if we don't obey that concept. There is no such thing as your own life because there is so much around to take it from you. Society is only one thing that prevents us to have a real life.
Our lives exist in harmony with the world. When someone dies unexpectedly, the death is felt throughout the world at some level. We all feel the end of a life, especially if it was a death that was premature. Many of us seem more cold-hearted than others, however each of will feel something when one of us dies. Those that are cold-hearted are the ones that will feel the most when a death happens, especially one that is of someone that is close to the cold-hearted person. When you seem to be cold-hearted you seem to repress a certain amount of emotions, which cause people to believe you are cold-hearted. When you repress too much emotion and a death happens to someone close, you will be affected more than anyone else. The repressed emotions will need to be let out, so a cold-hearted person would seem to have a breakdown due to that death.
My life is not more important than any other's life. I do not consider myself greater than other people, however there are some that I feel do not give themselves enough credit for the life that he/she already has. I know that I was that way at one time, and I did treat everyone as if his/her life was more important than my own. It has taken a lot for me to realize that I was wrong, that no one's life is more valuable than your own; at least to yourself. I have a lot to learn about life, and in time I will through time. I know that many people do not like the new version of me, however this new version is here to stay.
I have been changing many things in my life; the public hasn't seen most of them yet. When all the changes finally come in view, I expect that society will fight against me. Society currently considers me a threat because I am dealing with exactly what society says doesn't exist. Society will continue to want me out of sight otherwise I will have the people of the public realize how much life is not perfect. Although many of us already know how much life is not perfect, society will try to make it seem like life is perfect. Society I see as the enemy now, and in time we will be the ones that are in charge of society. Problems will come up through this because we will feel a need for revenge for how society treated us, and in turn we will do the same type of things to the next younger generations.
It is always fun to have friends to hang out with. There is a time that we need to decide what to do with our lives, and many times we will choose the wrong decision. Many of us will choose to change our lives according to how society wants us to be. When we all hit a certain age, it is expected that we "settle down" and "make a family". I have been told this a lot from my own family, however I refuse to do something I am not prepared for. I do not have any need to do any of that at the current time. I know that at some time in the future I may want to do those things, however I do not feel that it is necessary right now.
My life is extremely complicated right now. I have a lot of things that are going on in my life, and many of them are very destructive to the community. I know that I will have a time that the community will become involved in everything that I am going through. I also know that a war will erupt when all of this happens. My life is complicated now, and will be more complicated when this war finally erupts. I have been preparing for a while for this war, and I know that many people of the community will look at me differently. As it stands, society is trying to remove me from the sight of the public. The catch is that when the war erupts, regardless of how society wants to protect everyone around, there is no one that will be protected from any knowledge of this war.
My life is a minor thing compared to the lives in the world. There is a time and place for everything, and I know that I am waiting for the right time & place for my war to take place. My life will seem like "crap" when this war starts, and many people will feel worse than me because of this war. I regret not having this war when it should have happened; it has been over a decade so it has been long overdue. There will come a time to morn what has happened, and morn what everyone will be going through. Society will suffer greatly and the community may be shattered in the process. I know these things and this is why the war didn't happen in the past.
I may be an honorable person due to the actions that I have done in the past. I have received a lot of respect from the community due to things I have done in the past, and from those I hung around with in the past. I know that these things exist and I may lose these things when the war starts, however it is my life and it is time for me to regain my life. I will regain my life, and all the necessary control of it, regardless of the cost to myself. I know that the sacrifices that I am willing to do now may be more costly now than they would have been in the past. My family is one of those sacrifices because I know that there are members of my family that will reject me, and this war will take its toll on them at the same time.
My life will be in a very destructive way, and some time in the future everyone will no what secret I have bared for over a decade of my life. I will be engaged in a war against a friend, and my life will change when this war is finally engaged in. I will become a different person when this war starts, and I will become a better person (hopefully) when the war ends (if it ever does). I know that many people will get hurt when this war starts, but there are always causalities in any war. I hope that the causalities in this war can recover from the war, however I also hope that people understand me a little more at the same time. I have never been involved in any fight that I didn't feel was a necessary fight. This war is a fight that I believe is necessary, and I will protect those that I feel require my protection. It is realized by the community that I have begun to protect some people from his/her way to look at the specific family. This is something that everyone is not use to, and perhaps fears the most.
Life will change for everyone in the community. There will be more people second-guessing any actions of another person. I will be a different person, and hopefully I can finally end the pain & suffering that I have gone through for my lifetime. I know that many people will be against me when my secret finally emerges, but I will not be the only one that is affected by the secret coming to the surface. I will no longer protect the secret because it has ripped me apart, specifically around my soul. I have lost the ability to reach to my soul, and in the process I have repressed multiple emotions. When the secret gets out, these things will change.
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