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The mind can be a beautiful thing at times, and just as ugly at times. The mind can be beautiful because of the creativity that can be found within the mind. This beauty can be found through poetry, thoughtfulness, and through the caring that a person can have towards life (in general). Finding this type of beauty is difficult however not impossible.
When a mind is found to be beautiful, it is unfortunate because many times people will try to destroy that beauty. When you find a mind that has a lot of beauty to it, try to keep it as pure as possible. To keep something that pure is almost impossible where the real world tries to destroy anything that is "good", and a mind is just as vulnerable as everything else in the world.
A mind is a delicate thing that exists in the world. It is more complicated than most things are, especially when you are trying to find the "good" things in life. There is a lot of "good" in the world, and finding those "good" things will help you see that life is worth something after all. It is difficult to see how much a person's life is worth, however seeing the "good" that exists helps a lot.
I have begun to see some of the beauties of the world. I have started to see these beauties because I have been experiencing the evils of the world lately. I appear to have a lot of control however lately that control has been slipping. I have begun to have my control slip because I have been exposed to more emotional situations than I am use to. The sense of trust has been violated and the sense of family loyalties has been broke, which has caused me to feel more emotional than before. This type of emotion is mostly negative and is very difficult to deal with.
Lately, I have experienced some warning signs that I recognize. It is not a good feeling to find these warning signs to be approaching me. These warning signs help me know that I am about to experience something that I didn't expect for another month (at least). The "self-destruction" period is sooner than it was supposed to be. It has started to come early because of this past weekend. This past weekend, my trust/loyalties to my family was put to the test.
Unfortunately my trust/loyalties have been disrupted because my family has decided to side against me with a situation. This situation involves a family that we all grew up around. One person in that family I have started to "stand up" against, however my family feels that I am doing something wrong. I have begun to do "the right thing" however my family has told me that I am wrong. This is starting to show me that the old saying of "blood is thicker than water" is not a correct saying.
This past weekend was a small test to see which side that my family will go on. It is unfortunate to find out that my opinion doesn't mean anything to them. It is unfortunate to find out that they hold a friendship with someone higher than their own son/daughter's opinion. My family is supporting the person that decided to verbally assault me with things that were harmful to a special friend of mine. I reported these things to my special friend, and now my family seems to think that I am wrong for doing so. Blood is supposed to be thicker, however for my family it doesn't appear to be.
Time is against me right now. I have started to have my control over my mind slip, and now I am faced with things that no person should ever experience. I have experienced these things in the past however I was going into a depression. There is no telling what will happen to me this time because I do not want to repress any emotions when they surface. This will make me extremely vulnerable to anything that is said to me, so I will be isolating myself from everyone else. This type of thing could scare anyone that is not experiencing it, and can be very disturbing to those that do experience it.
My past is starting to catch up with me. This is starting to become a reality to me, and I can't stop it from happening. I have been trying to slow it from getting me, however my past seems to need to be exposed. This is something that I have protected for too long, and now my mind is unable to hide from the past any longer. With having my family turn against me, I have begun to lose some of my control. The need to protect them has begun to diminish in the process too.
There is no real way to determine how much time I have left. All throughout this week I have been able to keep control, however that control is diminishing the more time that passes by. The more that I speculate about how my family will react to the secret that has been buried for so long, the more I lose control. I cannot ignore the fact that my family turned on me already, and now I am faced with the reality that my family may do it again.
I have friends that I can turn to for support, however not having your own family on your side causes more problems than what people can realize. It is sad to know that your family would be willing to side with someone that has done something wrong over someone that is trying to do something right. This is one of those times that I seem to not be able to win because everyone else sees me as the one who is wrong.
I plan on to be sleeping for a better percentage of tonight. I will need to do this to regain some of the strength that I have lost during this past week. I have lost that strength because I have been thinking about what just happened this past weekend. The more that I think I am ready to face my secret, the more I find that people are not comfortable with me having my own way of thinking. Everyone has gotten use to me just taking orders, and doing nothing to question anyone. This is the way I have been throughout my depression. This has started to end, and now I find myself in a position to fight against my own family.
My family will soon realize that I will no longer think for other people. I will no longer have myself suffer so that others can live his/her lives without suffering. I have done this for my whole life, and I can't do it any more. I have suffered more than anyone else in the world because I have kept my secret away from everyone. I have begun to lose control because I need to leave the depression. I have started to remove the foundation that created a stable position for that depression to live in, and now it is starting to crumble.
Staying in the depression may kill me after time. No person should have to suffer to allow others to be free. This type of pain should never exist, and it will soon be out of me. I will no longer put myself through hell so that others can believe that the world is perfect. Some may call this a "nervous breakdown" and some may call it "too much stress". The reality is that I am coming out of a "depression". Until people realize this, people will not know why I have changed so much. Time is not on my side due to this because I am losing control too soon, and too much at once.
There will be times this weekend that no one will be able to find me. I will disappear because I will not be in any shape to be around others. When my "self-destruction" period happens, I will be alone. I will be alone because I do not want anyone to see what type of person I become when I become that vulnerable. There is only one person I would trust to see it, however I do not want him/her to experience the possible harm that would come from seeing it happen. I could become very uncontrolled and do a verbal assault against him/her that could be devastating.
We all have a dark-side to us. Many of us never show others this dark-side because of the negative impression that can come from seeing the dark-side. My dark-side has been hidden behind a lot of mental barriers. I have prevented many people from seeing this dark-side of me because I know how harmful my dark-side can become. I am not a violent person by nature, however if provoked enough people can see a very dark-side of me. It is rare for someone to get vulnerable enough to separate himself/herself from others. When this happens, you know that something is wrong with the person because of the anti-social behavior.
There is going to be a time that my family will have to decide if my opinion does matter or not. I have been preparing myself to confront my family with my past. This is something that I have to build a lot of courage around to do, and I haven't gotten there yet. I have started to test my family with their loyalties, and it is rather unfortunate to find out that the loyalties are not with me.
My family seems to be more concerned with how something looks rather than if the situation is right or wrong. When a family starts to think at the look of something rather than the truth, the family tends to not ally with its own blood. There is a time in the future that I will need to know where my family will stand with me, depending on the severity of a situation that they are informed of. I have alienated my family so far, and if any phrase like "why didn't I just stay quiet with this information" is said; my family will find that I will not be around for that type of treatment. I am starting to think for myself and for what is best for me. If my family doesn't like that, then there will be hell to pay.
I am not use to thinking for myself. I have always done what will keep everyone happy, which made me be a neutral on many subjects. I have always done this to be able to protect my secret more, and in the process to protect everyone from my secret. Now I am at a point that I can no longer protect people from the secret because of the mental strain that I am under, due to the secret. The depression has caused a lot of mental strain, the secret has caused a lot of mental strain, and knowing that my family isn't on my side has caused more of an imbalance than I ever expected. These three things combined have forced me to start to lose control.
Time is the only factor here. I do not know how long I have left before I lose control altogether. I do know that having these "self-destruction" periods will help me stay sane for a bit of time, however they are not a permanent fix. When the depression is ended will be the first real thing that is a start to a permanent fix. This will be the hardest thing I do because I don't want too many people to find out about everything. If people were able to "connect the dots" to me, I would probably lose my job because I am not in complete control of my sanity. Time can only tell.
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