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It is always amazing to experience new things that deal with your emotions. All throughout last week I was pissed off at my parents for not supporting me on a decision that I had done. My parents went against me and went to the side of the person that my decision was against. I was extremely angry and hurt due to their decision, and I had that anger and hurt build throughout the week due to that. The more I thought about what they had done, and the more I read into what would happen if I opposed that same person/family again; the more I hated my parents.
That type of hate can be extremely dangerous to deal with. It is extremely dangerous to keep control of yourself when that type of hate (anger & hurt) without "flipping out" on somebody. The control that is required needs to be learned, and is very dangerous regardless who you are. I had difficulties with this type of hate, so I had a friend help me for the last part of the week to control it enough to be away from work if I "flipped out" on somebody.
With having the amount of hurt & anger go through me for the whole week of last week, it started to trigger something that I wasn't prepared for yet. The trigger was the "self-destruction" period that I will go through after a certain amount of time. I felt last week that I was going to have a "self-destruction" period at some point soon. Thankfully I didn't have it happen to me at work, however I was having a great amount of difficulties controlling myself at my work. So I was just hanging on to my control last week.
Due to the physical labor that I went through during the long weekend, I was able to vent that anger & hurt in a useful way. To do that type of physical labor gave me the ability to vent that hatred without "blowing up" at someone. It did work this time, however I don't plan to keep the physical labor as a venting process. For me to do such a thing would become more dangerous for myself than anyone else. Doing physical labor to help others is a good thing to do, however if the physical labor is only to vent then you endanger those that are around you.
There are many ways to vent the negative emotions that you may feel, however if you use a physical way to vent you may cause accidentally attack someone. Needing to vent a great amount of negative emotions can be difficult at times. If you have become accustom to venting through a physical way, you could have an uncontrolled need to hit something. Unfortunately, at times, a person may become that thing that you decide to hit. This type of venting I highly advise against because of the brutality of such an action. This could cause you a form of emotional stress that you are unable to control, which would cause you more grief than you need.
I have had, in the past, times that I lost control and had a "snapping period" which is losing complete control of myself. During these "snapping periods" I will "black out" for a period of time (usually 15 minutes) and become a physical force to be reckoned with. I will possess more strength than I have ever had consciously, and not be able to remember anything for 3 months. When these "snapping periods" come I become one of the most dangerous people in world. Fortunately these "snapping periods" haven't come to me in approximately eight years.
I seem to be calmer, now, than I have been in many years. I seem to also be a little more positive, at the same time. This is strange for me because I am not use to being this way. I know that this is the type of way that I want to be able to feel all the time, however I didn't expect to have this come this quickly. This may be just a "mood swing" for me, however it is still good to have this come. The anger & hurt that I felt towards my parents last week may have been a "mood swing" also, however I do not know. I do know that feeling as positive as I do today is a "mood swing" and I hope many more of these are in my future.
I know that the "self-destruction" period that didn't happen this weekend may come again later in the future. I also know that there will be a lot of "self-destruction" periods to still to come. I know this because I went through several of them on the way into this depression. I know that I will have several "self-destruction" periods to go through to end this depression. It is probably the most vulnerable that anyone would be able to find me at any point of my life. This is also why I make sure that no one is around me when this "self-destruction" period happens. The other reason why I make sure no one is around me is that I sound like I have a multiple-personality process. I will actually talk to myself in three different voices. One voice is through a "pissed off person type", the second is a "psychotic person", and the last is of an "innocent type of person". I will use each voice to attack and defend myself until the "self-destruction" period is finished.
The "self-destruction" period can be very disturbing for others to see; I know that it is a very painful time for me to suffer through it. This "self-destruction" period was very useful to help me bury/repress many of my emotions. The "self-destruction" period will help me have my emotions come to the surface, and hopefully have me have a better connection with them after that. I have small connections to my emotions, however no direct connections except for laughter. These small connections came along because of the connection to laughter that I obtained. It will be interesting to see the connection to the other emotions, and heaven help us when that happens.
I am currently a good person to talk with, although I have very little connections to my emotions. I have the ability to earn your trust easily, and I will not abuse that trust whatsoever. I have become accustomed to talking to people and trusting my "guy feeling" with those people. I also trust whatever loyalties to the friendships that appears from those "gut feelings". My emotions have had very little to deal with the way that I treat people. I hope that when I connect with my emotions, I am able to treat people better than I treat them now.
It is always good to know that I can experience positive feelings. It is good to be able to acknowledge the fact that I am human after all. It is also gratifying to know that my life can be changed for the better. I hope that after time that everyone can see that I will becoming a better person in the future. I know that many people will need to be hurt for me to finally end my depression. I know that this will be a big challenge for me because I will be forced to end a longtime friendship, and I will also need to go against my nature. My true nature is to make everyone happy regardless of the cost to myself. I don't normally think about what I am doing to myself, however now I am forced to think about myself. Time will be the key with this.
To hurt others to save myself, will be one of the most difficult things to do in my life. I choose my friends very carefully, and many people have said that certain people I shouldn't be around. Currently when my judgment is questioned, I will fight back against those that are questioning my judgment. Whenever a person insults my judgment and one of my friends at the same time, I fight back more than I normally would. It bothers me to have my judgment questioned for no real reason, however it bothers me more when you do it by insulting one of my friends at the same time. It has been seen in the past that if someone wants to see me fight back about anything, the person would insult my judgment and insult a friend at the same time.
To become emotional towards anyone has been a negative experience for me. I have had a positive emotional feeling towards people and had a negative response. I have had a negative emotional feeling towards people and got a worse negative feeling from it. So everything has been negative so far, however hopefully with the proper emotional connections I will be able to experience something positive.
I know that the emotion of love is one of the most powerful emotion that exists. It is also the emotion that I have always feared because I had never really experienced it, and when a person is repressing emotions it is necessary to know how to repress the emotion. When you haven't experienced the emotion before, you have a little bit of fear to that emotion because you don't know how to control yourself with it.
During the first part of coming out of my depression, I began to have little connections to the emotions. Those connections haven't grown since I decided to leave the depression. Those same connections have allowed me to realize things from the past, such as crushes. I understand the feelings that deal with a crush because I have experienced it, although at the time I didn't know that I had that feeling about someone. I have emitted to certain people about the feelings that I had for the person in the past. I did this because I felt the need to do it. When starting to remove the emotional barriers, I was able to discover things of the past that I didn't know. Now those things have been put into the open so that I can continue with the end of my depression.
As I have looked at my past, I know now that I have destroyed a lot of my life. I have caused myself a lot of unnecessary pain & suffering in the past, and hopefully the future can correct some of it. I know that there is nothing to correct the past, however I will not let my future be destroyed like my past has been. Time is necessary to allow all things happen, and time will be required for the necessary lines to be drawn.
For everything that happens in the world there are always some good & bad things that happen. It is sad to see the bad things come from something that can produce something good, however it does happen. When my secret is finally out there will be a lot of hatred that will be against me. I know that there will be hatred through my family, friends, and the people of the public. I also know that my sanity will no longer be sacrificed to protect other people.
I feel that any family & friends that decide to go against me in this situation will learn that I will not take any more "bull" from anyone. I will be thinking for myself, and doing things for myself. I will be concentrating on getting my life back to a "normal" area, and not care for anyone that feels that I am wrong for ending my depression. Those that feel that I am in the wrong for no longer keeping the secret, will learn that I will no longer have any respect for him/her. This is just a fact that must be considered. I will protect my family & friends as much as I can, however there are only so much that I can protect him/her from.
There will be some people that will become targets because of the secret, however I will fight for his/her freedom from the situation. I will protect anyone that stands by me during that difficult time. I know that I will be destroying the community if the secret reached the community. The community will start to distrust themselves because of the seriousness of my secret. A person has told me that I should tell my family, however I don't have the courage to deal with that right now. When the courage is obtained, I will be sure that those that need to know; will know. Time is the one variable in this situation. Time can only tell when I will be prepared enough to face my secret head-on.