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We all have friends, some are good ones and some are bad ones. We will have the odd fight with those friends too, however the fight shouldn't end the friendship. Some friendships are stronger than others. It takes a certain amount of trust to allow someone to become your friend. This trust can be betrayed at times if the friendship is built upon the wrong type of trust.
Many of us will hold secrets that our friends tell us because of the trust that the friend will have with you. To not betray that trust you will tend to keep any secret, secret, regardless of what the secret is. There are times that you will have to decide what is best for the situation because there are times that secrets need to be released. There are times that secrets must not be kept secret because of the seriousness of the situation. This can put a strain onto a friendship (possibly end it) on the short term, however for the long term it can be the best thing to do.
The trust that you earn with each friend will determine how close you are with that friend. The more trust that you have with a friend, the closer that you are with that friend. This goes the same with the comfort level with that friend; being that the more trust there is, the more comfortable you are with that friend. It is interesting to realize how trust can motivate so much at once. That same trust can have negative effects too.
In the past I isolated myself from the "real world". I kept an "inner-circle" of friends, and these friends were the only ones that I trusted. As the years past on and the different classes started to come, the "inner-circle" of friends changed. As I went into different grades/classes, more/less number of people would be in the "inner-circle". For the number of people that were in this "inner-circle" none of these people I trusted enough to know me really well. Although these people were within my "inner-circle", I didn't trust these friends enough to know all my secrets.
I am one of those people that are willing to tell you my honest opinion on anything. I do this because I enjoy talking with people, and seeing the different opinions that exist in the world. If a person's opinion can make me understand something more clearly, I will be able to learn from that experience. I have always been willing to hear anyone that is willing to give me some guidance with any situation, however I will not be so willing to take orders dealing with those situations. People have learned this most recently because of things that have happened in the past couple months.
As I have stated in the past, I am coming out of a depression. The reasons behind that depression have only stated within the last few months, and it is difficult at times to deal with everything because of those reasons. I have been changing around my "inner-circle" of friends because I feel certain ones need to be moved. After time, the trust you have with someone can change, so in that reasoning I need to reconstruction the "inner-circle" of friends. It is sad when I can say that a long time friend will be removed from this "inner-circle" very soon.
I can keep a secret until the end of time, if I feel that the secret requires it. I also know that it will be difficult for those around me to accept the fact that the long time friend is going to be removed. Interesting enough, I have had a person that was on the outside of this "inner-circle" jump past all of my friends to become closer to me than any of them ever have been. This person I feel closer to than anyone I have been close to in the past whether he/she was family/friends/other. This is the first person that has been able to help me in ways that I didn't know existed. This person is truly is what a friend is supposed to be like. This type of friendship, I believe, will last past the test of time.
For the complete restructuring of my "inner-circle" of friends, I know that many people will tell me that I shouldn't be around a certain number of the friends. I know this, and I don't care because what only counts is whether I feel comfortable with these friends. No one can tell me who I can or cannot be around because I am not the same person I was in the past. I know of secrets that people have told me to keep quiet about, and I know of secrets that I have been ashamed of to keep them quiet. Certain secrets will stay quiet however those that I am ashamed of will no longer be kept quiet. These secrets are causing me a lot of pain & suffering, and are directly connected to the root of my depression. Time has only made it worse, and it is time for me to stop being quiet.
I cherish every friendship that I have ever had. It is unfortunate to have friendships end, however I know that some friendship will need to end to make life better for myself. To make life better for myself will cost me at least one long time friend, and I hope that it lets me retain part of my sanity in the process. I have had a lot of control of my mind and everything connected to it, however my sanity has technically been sacrificed for a friendship. This is why my depression has lasted as long as it has without people really realizing that something was wrong. Most minds would have fallen apart by now, however I haven't because of the certain degree of will power that I have.
My will power is concentrated around protecting other people. To protect my family/friends, I went into a depression. Where I went into a depression I also protected the actions of a friend, which no one knew had existed, at least to my knowledge. A certain amount of research into the past has allowed me to know that something before me had happened, however no one told me about because it was believed that the problem was taken care of. If I were told about the nasty thing that was covered up in the past, the situation with me wouldn't have happened. Regardless of the friendship involved, I would have known that something was wrong and would have ended the situation. Where the nasty thing was covered up, I had no knowledge that the situation that happened to me was something that was wrong. I found out after time that it was wrong, but I should have been warned of the possibility.
I am currently in therapy. I am in therapy because I need help to end my depression. I know that I will need to confront my past to end the depression. I also know that I will need to end a friendship when I confront that past. It will become a devastating process when it finally happens. I will be around the friend that has done me so much wrong, this coming weekend. He/she will be helping with something, and this will be the first time since I started to battle against everything to have him/her to sleep in the same building as me. I have refused to sleep in the same building with this person because I have felt very uncomfortable to do so. The trust I have with this person is at a minimum, and I hope that we are able to discuss things after a while. I also hope that nothing bad happens this coming weekend too.
My "inner-circle" of friends will be really different compared to what I have has been in the past. My "inner-circle" of friends are the friends/people that I trust enough to have around me. I will not allow anyone that will hurt me to be within this "inner-circle". The reason for this is because the "inner-circle" has always been people I knew I could fallback on if I needed the help. I know it sounds weird, however this is what I used to get through life so far. It is unfortunate that this "inner-circle" has some corruption in it. There is one person specifically that I have recently (within last couple months) considered to be a corruption that needs to be removed.
My depression is the result of a negative situation that I was a victim of. It has taken me a long time to emit to myself that I am a victim. I also know that the friendship that is with that person, which made me be a victim, must end so that my life can finally continue. I have been in a depression for over a decade, and the time is still continuing. I do not have full contact with my emotions because I know that if I did I would not be able to be presented to anyone. I would not have any control of the emotions that I would feel towards this specific friend, and I also fear the result of that. I know that I have questioned my sanity, more often now than before, because of how much I am fighting to leave my depression.
Time is the question with the whole thing. I have friends that don't know anything is going on. I have friends that I have been re-informing as time passes, of how I am doing with everything. I have also family members that are starting to ask questions but want to stay neutral if the answers were to involve a specific family/friends. My entire situation deals with how I feel about everything. With the people all around me being as describe above, I should be able to find the courage to approach my attacker. Although my attacker is a friend, when everything is said and done he/she will no longer be a friend.
When something so serious of what I have gone through usually happens, a friendship would end. In my case I chose the friendship over my own sanity. This is the only way that the friendship could last after what had happened, however I now know that I made the wrong decision and wish to regain my sanity. The friendship that I have sacrificed for so long must be sacrificed now. In the past the friendship was priceless to me, however now I see that the friendship was not worth what I sacrificed for it.
As time continues on and the more that I deal with the depression and everything tied with it, the more I realize how difficult it will be to retain my sanity. I know that I have a big fight on my hands, which may become a war. I know that my friend has more respect in the community than me, and I have a high chance to be called a liar. Many people will believe that I am doing something that I will regret, however this is something that should have been done a long time ago. This is something that I have to do because it is the only way for me to have the full connection to my emotions that I require to continue in life. With the lack of emotional connections, I have been able to live with this horrible knowledge without any cares.
The problem with things is the fact that time will wear things down. My mind is unable to keep this secret bottled up any more. I am tired of having these "snapping periods" and "self-destruction periods" that I have been having due to the depression. The amount of control that is required to repress the emotions forces me to have those two types of things to happen. I am unable to allow this to happen any longer. I will be fighting back to regain what has been sacrificed. I will not allow this to happen any longer, and I know that I will need to hurt people to live for myself.
I hope that I will be able to keep control this weekend. I need enough control to not hurt anyone or tell anyone about the secret. I know that time is the consideration that needs to be watched. I know that I have been starting to slip with the control. I know that I do not have the control of my emotions that I once did, and I know that I may need to be locked up at some point in my life. I know that I will require to be locked up when "all Hell breaks loose". There will be multiple people doing "damage control" for the situation; however there won't be enough people in his/her family to protect him/her from the truth.
Time is the issue now, whether I have enough time left before I just have a complete breakdown. I know that I don't have the control I use to, but I know that I will repossess my sanity so that I can finally get over the attack. It is unfortunate that my attack happened for a multiple years, in a row, and I finally am willing to fight back. Time is against me because of the time that has passed, along with the time that is left in our lives. I know that my mind is not stable, and I may lose control once in a while, but I know that I am not insane. I know what happened to me, and thankfully I am in therapy now. I also know that the community will never be the same again after all of this comes out.
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