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Thanks to this past weekend, I have experienced things I haven't experienced before. I didn't eat anything until late at night on Saturday. I also decided to drink alcohol shortly after, and for the rest of the night. I decided to actually sit down while doing the drinking. Those were the start of firsts for the night. I usually didn't do either one because I found that you couldn't drink that much liquor when you do them. I was right because I couldn't drink as much as I normally could when I didn't do them. I got through 5.5 bottles of liquor and got cut-off during the 6th one, that is why I got through 5.5 bottles. I also had a first the following morning, I actually had a headache in the morning (hangover). I had this until the late afternoon on Sunday, which really sucks.
I have learned from this experience to not listen to anyone when you are drinking. If a person says something that seems to be different compared to what you normally do, don't listen to them. If you listen to them, like I did on Saturday night, you will have a hangover in the morning. Next time I will be sure to do things my way, and I will be able to drink anyone under-the-table and not have a hangover in the process. I have done this in the past, although it has been a few years since I did any large amounts of liquor. People will learn the next time.
My mind is slightly more screwed up today because I have thought about many things, especially when I had a hangover for most of Sunday. Where I couldn't do too much, thinking was the only thinking that didn't hurt my head. I thought about everything connected to my depression, and certain parts did bring me to tears. It is the first time that I have had tears come to me when thinking about this depression. I wouldn't call it crying because it only lasted for a few seconds, but it did happen. This is the first time that I have had a connection to sadness in a long time. This can be a good sign, however time can only tell about this.
I also considered the friends I have now, and thought about which ones would still be friends after I face my depression. The day that I face my depression properly, in other words face off with the person that is the direct cause of my depression; I know that I will have a lot of emotions being expressed. Something as serious as what I have been dealing with will draw emotions from both sides. Whichever person doesn't express emotions when this comes out, will be the one that is seen as the horrible person. I have been dealing with everything for too long, and I will retain my sanity regardless of the sacrifices of friendships I will have to sacrifice to have my sanity.
I know that there is a lot of happiness amongst those around me, however a lot of that will be sacrificed, so I can have a chance for my sanity to return. My sanity has been in question for a while. I have control over my mind/thoughts right now, however I know that there will be a time that I may not. I have been trying to leave this depression so that I will no longer require the control that I have now. I have a lot of control over everything that I do, and the more that I am dependent on that control, the worse it will be if/when I lose that control.
For everything that I thought about yesterday, I know that I will be seen as the enemy by a lot of people. People will see me as the enemy because I am having the past resurface. Most people try to keep the past hidden from sight, and do not revisit the past unless he/she wants to. If a person, like myself, wants him/her to see something in the past; I will be seen as the enemy. This is realty in life, and there is no avoiding it. I have been connecting dots that deal with the past and the future. I know that I will have a rough ride through this all, and there is no real way to prepare for it. There will be a time that people will choose sides, and I hope that some of my friends stay on my side.
I know that time is against me. I know this because I have been losing a bit of control every now and again. Time is against me because the control I have, I have not been able to handle things as easily as I once did. The connections to my emotions may be increasing slowly, however in the process my control over the emotions is slipping. I don't express emotions easily however when I do, it is really noticeable. When a person doesn't have the ability to do anything with his/her emotions like me, it is difficult for the person to be around other people. It is difficult because you don't know if you are going to lose control of your emotions before you want to. That type of fear can force you to be away from other people, just to save yourself.
My mind is currently stable (normal) for now. I have had an interesting weekend with a few firsts, which are listed above. I do feel like killing my roommates right now for his/her actions of last night, however I will talk to him/her in a nice way. My roommates kept me up until a late time last night, knowing that I was the only one that was getting up in the morning. I didn't get much sleep last night, and my cat also helped out in that territory too. My cat decided that he/she didn't like being locked in one room, so he/she decided to scratch at every door. That cat I will need to teach how to sleep during the nights, however that will be something for another day to talk about.
I am a very tired person today. I know that after time there will be some improvements on things, however that is what will be determined after enough time has passed. I know that I will become more comfortable with my settings, and will become a better person when my depression is faced "head-on", however I also know that I will be in a lot of different moods as the time wears on.
I have a few friends that will be on my side throughout everything that the future has in store for me. I also know that I will have people treat me differently when he/she realizes that I was in a depression for the length of time I have been in. These things I can see because of the positively influence that they have on my life, however I can also see the negatively influences too. I can try to prepare for the worst, however no one can truly be prepared to lose friendships. No one can be prepared to lose any friendships because each friendship is developed through time and trust. To lose a friendship means that you have lost that time & trust with that person.
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