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For the past 13 or 14 years I have been repressing all emotions possible that any given Male would normally feel. I have been noticing that my mind is starting to "break down". I am fearful that I may have a "snapping period" in the near future. In the past, I have found that I will have a "snapping period" when I cannot repress all of my emotions any longer. The problem with the "snapping period" is that if I am awake when it happens I may not remember that I did anything until 2-3 months later, the bad thing is that most of the time I will remember it as a dream. These are the "snapping periods" that I fear the most.
The last "snapping period" that I had that I was awake for was in high school; a person had been pushing all the right buttons and had been pushing them for about 2 weeks. I didn't act out of anger with this person until I "snapped". If no one would have been there I can honestly say that I could have killed that specific person, however he was lucky that there were people there. The person pushed all the right buttons once again, thinking that he could do this any time he felt like and I wouldn't do anything. Unfortunate for me that specific day was the day to release all the anger that I had bottled up, and truly unfortunate that it was in the public's eye.
When I had the "snapping period" as I remember now, I had the person by the throat, lifted him into the air, and with my left hand I started to "wail" on him. A person that was one of his friends came over to stop me; I dropped the guy and threw the 2nd person across the room, then continued to attack the 1st guy. A person that was twice my size came over and gave me a "bear-hug" from behind to give the 1st person time to get out of the room. The person holding me is at least twice as strong as me, however during the "snapping period" I broke his hold onto me. I seem to have also snapped out of the "snapping period" when I broke the hold. I looked around and the rest of the guys in the room were looking at me in part amazement, shock, and fear all rolled into one look. I didn't know why everyone was looking at me like that so I left the school to go for a walk until that lunchtime was over. The "snapping period" was only 5-10 minutes long, but I had no idea that it had happened.
When I got back to the school (5 minutes before lunchtime was over) the principle came over to me and asked me whether the attack was true that he heard about. I said "no" because I didn't remember it happening. Then I continued to my next class. During the class people were asking me if things were true or not, and I told them I didn't know what they were talking about. When I found out 2-3 months later what had happened I dealt with the knowledge in the appropriate way. From that day on through the person tried more and more to get me to do the "snapping period" again, however I had found that it only comes around once every 4 years.
The "snapping periods" I have is the only thing in the world that I really fear. I fear them because it may happen any time without warning, however the only thing I can count on is that it is once in every 4 years. About 4.5 years ago I went to therapy about the "snapping periods" and when the therapist realized what I had done he was a little skeptical about the whole thing. However after a few sessions he realized that what I was saying was true after all. For the 5-6 months that I was having the therapy I was still in school (community college), and thanks to the therapy I was able to bring laughter back. I had it blocked with the other emotions. The therapist stopped me from having the "snapping period" the best he could but that year I did have it anyhow, however thank goodness I was asleep for that one. I can tell that I have one in my sleep when a light (or whatever was sitting near me in my sleep) is across the room with the wall it is near with a hole in it. Now that I experience laughter, I am not sure when my next "snapping period" experience will happen, and that is one of the most fearful things that a person can know.
The more that my friends are growing up and being less childish, the more I realize that I may need to go back to therapy to help me bring out the rest of my emotions back. Laughter is the emotion that I feel any more, and that includes hormones. I have learnt how to block my hormones the same way I have blocked my other emotional things. I am starting to fear things (figuratively speaking) now more than ever before. Many of my high school graduating class have continued with their lives and started to make their own families. I blocked my emotions out so that I could go through school without having a chance to have my emotions used as a way to hurt me, however looking upon it now I think I hurt myself more in the long-run.
I can honestly say that I have been more and more worried about the long-term effect on myself, where I cannot express the emotions that will help me grow up like everyone else has already. I have always been proud of not being hurt or vulnerable to another person's verbal assaults, and now I am realizing that I may have done more damage than good for going this long without those emotions. The only emotion that I haven't experienced before is "love", and it is the only emotion that could tear me apart. Love is a combination of emotions, and where I block out all emotions that I can, love has the power to cause me more pain than good. Love could take down all the mental barriers that I have up, and also at the same time put me in a form of depression for an extended amount of time. I know it may be possible that the depression I may feel, after love come into my life, may keep me in the depression for the rest of my life. I believe that if I can express emotions properly before I experience love, I may be able to avoid the depression feeling that I would feel from love. I do know that I may feel a little depressed when I get all the emotions back, however it would be a less of a depression than if I have love hit me when all the mental barriers are still up.
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