Home · Thoughts · Dates · Policy
I have found that in the past few days, my emotions are not as stable as they use to be. I met the new member of my family this past weekend, and see the innocence on his/her face has caused my emotional look on life to change. Some emotions, I thought were buried too much for me to feel again, have started to surface. My look on life has changed in the positive way more also. Seeing that type of innocence seems to have been a good thing to happen to me, however I'm not sure it really is a good thing or not.
I control my emotions to the extent that I do not feel any emotions that I have successfully blocked. After seeing the new member of the family and seeing his/her innocence, I haven't been the same. Some of the emotions that have been blocked for the longest of time have started to resurface. There are some emotions that are good to have resurfaced, and some others I have no control over. When I don't have control over the emotion, I am unable to concentrate properly. For me to block an emotion, it takes a lot of concentration however it doesn't take as much when the emotion is block. Most of the emotions/feelings that I have been having lately I can control, however there are some that I didn't want to resurface yet.
Since December 2002, I have dropped my guard. I didn't drop my guard completely, but just enough to come out of the "depressed" state that I have been in for the last 10 years of my life. I told one of my parents that I was coming out of the "nasty state of mind" I had been in for the last 10 years. The parent I told was happy to hear that because he/she was starting to worry about it.
In June 2003, I also dropped my guard completely because I felt it was time to do so. Unfortunately I paid for doing that because I got yelled at by one of my parents, because someone decided to be an instigator between this parent and me. With my guard down, the amount I got yelled at hurt more than it normally would have. I hadn't felt like that in about 10 years and was unprepared to calm down quicker than what I did. It is unfortunate that it happened the way it did, especially where my guard went back up that same day. I tried that day to remove the emotional barriers that I have, however fate had other plans for me. Later in that month I started to let my guard down some more, once again, but not as severe as I did before. Every week I try to drop my guard a little further so that I can actually try to be normal once again.
It has been a long time since I had felt all the emotions that everyone else feels. I started to drop my guard because I have realized that it is time to move on with my life. To move on with my life requires the emotions to help guide me in the right direction. It is difficult to trust emotions where I have been resisting/blocking them for as long as I have. The main problem with doing this is the simple fact that I will not be allowing all of my emotional blocks to be let down. The reason behind this is the fact that I am unable to trust myself with certain emotions being expressed. I have been unable to control/block these certain emotions yet, however the mental barriers that I have place I am not willing to drop. One of the emotions that I am unwilling to stop blocking is love. I fear that emotion because it is so many emotions tied together. I am able to control most of the emotions that are involved with love, however not all of them. Where love is a multiple of emotions, I am unable to control all at the same time with my guard being down.
There is a problem with the theory of dropping my guard and only letting some emotions resurface. The problem is the fact that all emotions are tied together somehow, and when you try to feel one you may cause others to resurface. Attractions (hormones) to the opposite sex I have been feeling for a while (can't block something like that anyhow), however without the emotions to help understand the attraction I am unable to act on the attraction. Love is an emotion that is tied with an attraction, however I also fear the love emotion at the same time. I fear the emotion because it can cause anyone to lose control. I fear what may happen to my mind if I lose complete control, however I am also not a controlling person. I respect the opposite sex and do not wish to control them, I wish to only control myself.
People that know me know that I am an open person. I am an honest person that is loyal to my friends and will never turn on them. I may have disagreements with them, however I will not turn my back on them. Lately I have been trying to "hang-out" with my friends as much as possible. I just want to have fun with my friends during my free time, however my free time is only on weekends so my time is limited to that. It sucks due to that and where I am so far away from them. In a couple of years it may change, however currently I have to stick with what I have now for time.
The only "wild card" that is in my life, currently, is doing what I did this past weekend. Seeing a new family member and the innocence that is with that family member. Seeing the innocence has released (trigger) emotions/feelings that I didn't expect to resurface. One of the emotions/feelings that I have felt recently is the need for family. The needs for family in the form of needing to help that type of innocence grow in the world. The need to finally "grow-up" out of the frame of mind that I have been in all of my life. Technically speaking, seeing this family member has given me a "wake-up call". My mind is a jumbled mess due to this, and hopefully I can get it sorted out before this weekend. I hope for this because I do not need my friends to know how "screwed up" my mind is currently.
© COPYRIGHT 2004