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The mind is a very tricky thing. It has the ability to have a person to act good or bad. It also has the ability to make a person's actions seem to be sane or insane. The mind will change its look on any situation depending on the experiences that the person has experienced. Depending on how much emotion that the person feels, the "frame of mind" of the person will change accordingly.
When the mind feels more emotions than normal, the mind has a greater difficulty to respond properly. If a person has blocked emotions, as I have, and experience something unexpected, the mind has problems filtering everything. The mind is unable to filter the emotions from true thoughts, so the mind will start to wander on different subjects. There is also a high chance that the mind will concentrate on subjects that you normally wouldn't consider. An example of this is "life in general". When the mind is over-thrown by emotions that it is not use to having around, the mind will concentrate on "life in general" to whatever extent that the emotions choose to be at.
In my case, I have started to concentrate on things like "growing up", "settling down", "moving on in life", and "time to end it all". These things have been surfacing a lot in the past few days. I also cannot dismiss these thoughts as easily as I have in the past. This has also started to tire me out more. My mind is unable to control the thought patterns as it use to. This is all because I met the new member of the family, which caused all these thoughts/emotions to surface. It is a little unnerving to have a drastic change in my mind from that one experience. It seems to have triggered a need to have a family. That is something that my mind had dismissed a long time ago, however it has now resurfaced. Where my mind is unable to recover from this, I would hate to experience what would happen if I ever experienced the emotion of love.
To have my mind in this type of chaos is a sign that I may never be prepared for the emotion of love. My emotional state is too fragile to allow such a power emotion to exist within my mind. With the little control I have now of my mind, having the emotion of love may have higher consequences. The higher consequences may cause my mind to have an overload and be forced to shutdown (nervous breakdown). This is something I cannot let happen; however it is something that I can see in my near future regardless. I know I am not able to stop the emotion of love, which is why I fear that emotion so much. The control that I currently have between my emotions dealing with my mind is a little shaken due to the positive feelings I felt when seeing my new relative.
I am unable to control myself that well currently. Some forms of emotion have been seen by other people, which I haven't been ready to express in a very long time. Currently my mind is in a mess and I have been considering questions that I never really thought about. One such question is the "girlfriend" question. I have been shielding myself from that territory because I know the love emotion is involved in that territory. I have made multiple excuses for why I haven't gotten a girlfriend yet, but the truth behind everyone of the excuses is the simple fact that my mind/emotional state are not prepared enough to handle a girlfriend. In other words, I fear what may happen if I attempt having a girlfriend.
For anyone that knows me, they know that I care for my friends as if they were family. I care for them so much that I hide who I really am from them, so that I can believe that I am protecting myself from them. I say this because if any of my friends (especially my oldest friends) knew that I have created a website like this one, that they would kill me. Doing something like this is not part of the character that my friends know. For that fact I have yet to name any names on this site that can help any of you to know who I am. It is comfortable for me to know that I can be this open and no one know who I am. Although it is an illusion for my mind to be comfortable with this, I still do it because I feel I need to.
There is only one person I have allowed to know that this site is connected to me. I have only let this one friend know because I been truth open with this person so that he/she can judge me properly. This friendship I seem to cherish the most because I feel a strong connection with this person. It may be because I have been truly open with this person, or it could be something more than that. For me cherish a friendship this much is a true part of who I am. I cherish all my friendships because each one will make you stronger due to the experiences that you will share together.
I spend my free time with my friends, as much as possible. I do this because it stops me from feeling alone. When I start feeling alone, my mind tends to get me thinking about things I don't want to think about. I spend a lot of time with the friend that I am most open to. I have found that he/she will ask me questions that other people always ask me, however I am able to give him/her a better straight answer than I do with other people. It is unfortunate in a way that I can only trust certain people, but trust is something that needs to be earned. No matter how long I have had some other friends, I still don't trust them enough to see how my mind works. I guess my mind will never trust certain people unless it senses the necessary "goodness" that it trusts. For all of my friends, there is only one that I can sense this type of "goodness", and that is why he/she is the only one that knows I am connected to this website. There are many explanations why I trust this person the most, however the truth is that I sense the "goodness" in his/her heart. This is why my trust in him/her is so strong.
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