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As time goes on, the more complicated things get. I have discovered this most recently. I have had some mental barriers come down, unexpectedly. The emotions that I have been feeling lately are ones that I haven't been prepared enough to feel again. I had the mental barriers up, in my mind, to stop these emotions from being felt. The reason for this is because I didn't see the need (at the time) to feel these emotions. Most of my mental barriers were put up 10 years ago.
I've been bringing down (dropping) some of these mental barriers recently. I have been doing this because I have decided that it was time to bring them down. It is difficult to allow myself to drop the mental barriers because I have become so dependant on having the mental barriers. I have become dependant on the emotional barriers to help me not get hurt by other people. That is the primary reason why I put the mental barriers up in the first place. The secondary reason for the mental barriers up was the fact I had saw no reason to feel those emotions at the time. As I said it was approximately 10 years ago that these barriers were put up in the first place. I know some of you are thinking that it was wrong for me to do what I did, however we all do similar things just not as extensive that I did. We all do similar things when we get hurt by other people. It could be through name-calling, bully tactics, or an emotional hurt. Any of these things will cause us to protect ourselves against that type of hurt. In my case, it was a combination of all three and some other things.
For a person like myself, I found that I was too open for an attack from other people. To stop the ability to be open for an attack, I put up the metal barriers to protect myself. At the time, it was the only defense I had because I was not an open person. At the time I was the type that was extremely friendly and talkative, however was not able to share any emotions with anyone because it seemed that I was always under attack from someone. It is extremely difficult to let anyone know how you feel, especially when it seems that when you try to let someone know others around attack you for it. I found that instead of dealing with those emotions that I would just stop feeling them altogether. It worked at the time and for many years afterwards. The problem is that it became an addiction. To not feel anything, no matter the conversation, became an addiction that I didn't see happen. I only can see it now as I try to stop the addiction. Unfortunately others have attacked me while I try to stop this addiction, however it hasn't stopped me yet. I have received multiple attacks to me (verbally) that in the past wouldn't bother me, however currently they have taken their tolls. It takes more concentration to stop the mental barriers from going up and controlling my emotions at the same time, than it takes to put the mental barriers up in the first place. Due to the amount of time that I had these mental barriers up for, I have become an extremely difficult person to make emotional, in the past. Now as I try to drop these mental barriers, I am finding it difficult to think straight.
I have found it difficult to think straight, now, due to the amount of emotions that are now being felt by me. My mind is unable to stay on one topic for a long period of time. Although it does seem that I am able to do a thought like this up, it takes me an extra 3 hours to type it all up due to lack of concentration that I have now. The lack of concentration is due to the fact that the emotions that I am feeling once again are clouding my thoughts. I have tried to drop the mental barriers slowly, however it hasn't worked out that well. I have found, most recently, that all emotions are tied together. This has caused me to feel more than one at the same time. It has gotten me confused quickly in some circumstances, however I have been doing well so far.
If a person, that didn't know me, saw the way I act around people; the person would swear that I was at the start of a nervous breakdown. I know that some of my friends think that way, and also some family thinks that way too. I know this because the tone in his/her voice when talking to me changes, slightly, whenever I need a little time to gather my thoughts properly. It is noticeable because I will stop in the middle of a conversation and just stares into space for a period of time, then continue the conversation as if nothing happened. I do this more than I will admit to, however it is noticeable when the conversation hits me in an emotional way.
The emotions that I have been feeling lately are mostly life questions however some are not. Some of the things that have started to surface lately are among the following: how close should I be to friends/family (should I be closer), is my life good enough, do I have a good reason to continue, should I do what I have told my therapist, am I a better person right now, do I have the energy to continue, will I ever feel true happiness, and will I know what love is or have I already missed it. These things are what have caused my mind to be a jumbled mess of recently. These have all surfaced since meeting the new member of my family. The effect of seeing him/her has affected me greater than expected. I never saw the chance of losing this much control from that experience. I had no real way to prepare for this much of an emotional overload. I still cannot process this much emotion at the same time. I have had multiple thoughts and emotion mixed together a lot especially after meeting that relative.
There are very few people that know that I have been having problems most recently. There is so few because I don't trust that many people with that type of information. I am very protective over my friends, family, and myself and to have too many of them to know what is going on in my head would cause more problems than good. I don't like asking for help from anyone, which an example of why the mental barriers went up 10 years ago. I was too stubborn to ask for help to deal with what I was dealing with back then, so I did something that I see as stupid now. I was unable to see how stupid it was back then because I wouldn't tell anyone that I was doing it. No one could have stopped me because I probably wouldn't have listened to him/her at all. I would probably would have seen his/her advise as an attack against me, and would have fought against him/her because of that. Now as I look back, I can see that putting up those mental barriers was the biggest mistake of my life. As I get older, the more I consider whether I am able to continue on my own. I do not choose to become dependent on others, however there is a chance I may become dependent by accident. The emotional unstableness that I feel may force me to become dependent on someone to help me through this.
I have been alone for a better side of my life. Where I had the mental barriers up, people were unable to get really close to me because I wouldn't let them. I have a lot of friends; very few that are really close, and I can see that it is wrong of me to keep my friends that far apart from me. Emotional I am being overwhelmed, but am able to continue with my life as if nothing is wrong. I haven't taken any time off of work yet because I haven't seen the need to, however I will be taking some off near New Years. I also have the plan to get extremely wasted on New Years Eve. I will be doing this to release any stress that I may have built up by that point. This will have a positive and a negative effect on me at the same time. It will be positive because I will not have any worries whatsoever that night. It will be negative because I will not have anything from stopping people to find out what I think about anything. In other words, if a person wanted to know what I think about them or others I would tell them without hesitation. As it is currently if someone asked me how I felt about him/her or someone else, I would either avoid the question or I would say the phase "you don't want to know". Doing this helps me protect myself while I still sort out my emotional state.
It has been asked to me why I haven't tried to have a serious relationship with anyone yet (significant other). I have used some bull answers to avoid answering the question directly. I have also told one person a half-truth. I have yet to tell anyone a straight answer. The reason for this is because I do not feel that I am mentally stable to get into a serious relationship. I am currently having problems dealing with some smaller amounts of emotions. If I were to go into a serious relationship I would be dealing with a lot of emotion. I know that mentally I am not able to handle that much emotion. I may not be able to handle that much emotion if things stay the way they are right now. I am bringing the emotional barriers down slowly, by myself, however I have been told that I should be using professional help when doing this. I have refused to do that because I feel my way is better. This is the stubbornness that runs in my family, I believe it runs in both sides of the family that causes it to be worse for my generation. I may be doing more harm than good to myself, however I will learn after time about this anyhow.
For me to be in a serious relationship, I will need to express the emotion of love. I do not feel I am able to do that because I fear the emotion most of all. Where the emotion of love has a mixture of all emotions positive/negative together, it causes me to fear that emotion. I am having problems dealing with little shots of emotion now, and if I allow myself to express love I fear the outcome to my mind. It may be good for me, but I still don't trust it. The problem is that I cannot continue experiencing life properly (having a serious relationship with someone) if I do not allow myself to experience love. I am stuck in an endless loop when it comes to that emotion.
To show how my mind works, currently, I go by my loyalties and instincts. My friendships exist due to those loyalties/instincts. If I am able to talk to somebody, that I am not friends with, and able to do it more than once, I will try to form a friendship with that person. My instincts will tell me if the person is a good person or not. My loyalties will tell me how close I will be to this friend (no matter if boy or girl). My instincts and loyalties I trust to the fullest. I will not stray from my instincts and loyalties because that is not the type of person I am. I have been told by customers (from work) that I seem to be easy to train and should be a good spouse to someone in the future. They have said that multiple times and say that phrase because it is difficult to find a spouse that will remember everything that he/she is trained to remember (dates, names, etc.).
I know that this is my longest thought yet, however it shows that there is a lot to talk about. I currently have a couple of friends that I can talk to about what is going on in my head (emotionally, etc.), however I am unable to talk about it all with him/her. I have found no real way to approach these friends to help me sort out my mind enough to make it seem like it is normal. The emotional response that I received from meeting the new relative was unexpected, and I am still trying to recover from. Hopefully all I need is time to sort through this all, and hopefully on News Years I am able to get most of it off my chest. I will not be holding back on that day because the amount of liquor I play to consume will help loosen me up. Time will only tell about how I will do with the expected extra emotions that I have. Time will hopefully help me enough to find a way to express the emotion of love without a serious breakdown.
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