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With Christmas coming closer, the happiness that I see from other people has me wonder about myself. This will be the first Christmas that I allow myself to experience emotions for approximately 10 years. I have been wondering how I will be with all this emotion around, where I am not use to it and do not know how to react to it. I also fear that my reactions to some presents received may be the wrong one where in the past it was the same reaction regardless if it was a good present or not. You could say that this experience I am starting to fear because I don't want to have people think that I don't like his/her gifts.
Lately I have been looking back upon the last 10 years. I have begun to regret what I have done with my life especially how I cut myself off from everyone that was around me. I wouldn't let anyone close to me, and I have just realized how bad that really was. I cut everyone off from me so that I couldn't get hurt, however it would seem that it hurt me in a different way after all. In removing myself from everyone else, I caused myself to lead a very lonely life. I don't know if it is the emotions that I have been feeling lately or the emotions that I see from others dealing with this time of the year, but I do see how screwed up my thinking was in the past. It is unfortunate that it took this long for me to realize what I had did was wrong.
I know that during Christmas time you are supposed to feel a great amount of happiness. I see this happiness in all of my family/friends and other people, however I do not feel this happiness. All I can feel is sadness because of the fact that I have wasted the last 10 years trying to protect myself from others. It isn't supposed to matter what other people think of you, however in my case I have always cared one way or the other. To be able to not care what others thought about me, I saw the only way to do that would be to repress (block) my emotions enough that I could just laugh when people tried to tease me. I see now that it was wrong, not sure how to get past this sadness I feel, but know that this would be the time of the year to get passed it.
When a person goes from one school to another (graduates to another), you seem to take all the memories from the previous school and form them into 1 big blur. This is especially true when you leave elementary school to go into high school. This is done because you are suppose to be more mature now, and you need the extra room in your mind to experience new things and remember them more. This is sort of taking a bunch of files on your hard drive (in your computer), zipping them, and then deleting the original files. This analogy is true for everyone because it allows you to have extra room for new things, may not be smart but is life. I have begun to realize that it takes a lot longer to remember something when you have stored it away for a very long time. Key events in your life seem to criss-cross and not come to you as the complete truth, which I realized this past weekend. I tried to remember a beating I received and remembered the wrong reason (person I stood up for) behind the beating, however I remembered everything else because of the injuries that came from it.
I have always been the type of person that likes having fun. I haven't gone into the illegal substances for this fun because that is fake-fun. Where I have cut so many people off in my life, from myself, I realize that the fun I have had in the past was not as fun as I had thought it was. I still have some of that fun, especially where I can still drive, however I have begun to realize that the time of fun I have when driving needs to stop soon. I have begun to realize that after a certain age, exceeding the speed limit is not really fun it is more like suicide. After a certain age it becomes necessary to drive and if you continue to exceed the speed limit, the suicide kicks in when you lose your license for that same reason. I know that my driving is coming close to be removed from me, especially if I ever get caught by the police at the high speeds I have been going. The police can only seem to get me when I am at the end of a pack of cars, and I am hugging the centerline to pass them more quickly. The catch for me is to have my mind and foot communicate together to slow the car down. If I lose my license, it is just like suicide because I have required driving as part of my life. I wouldn't be able to go to work, home, shop, etc. if I lost my license for any amount of time.
This Christmas will be one to remember for me. This Christmas will be the first one in approximately 10 years that I am not in a depressed state of mind, and hopefully I do not go back into it. Although I am sad when I look back upon the years of rejecting emotion and keeping my friends/family at a distance, I am not in the depressed state that I once was in. I can also say that this will be the first Christmas that I am physically active in for a while because I will be doing more things, other than pushing snow. This Christmas seems to be a "Green Christmas" just as last year started off being, however this Christmas seems to be the one that will stay green unless Mother-Nature decides to change that all of a sudden.
Hopefully those of you that read these thoughts, and are not disrespectful towards me, can understand what I have said today. Although it may seem like that I am regressing into what I once was in the past, I am not actually do that. I am experiencing the negative side of emotions, namely the emotion that deals with regret. I knew that this day was coming, and I know that it will take time to get through it. The positive side about the emotion of regret is that it helps you see what stupid things that you do in life. It helps you see what not to do, and tries to help you learn from it.
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