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Suicide is one of those topics that everyone will try to avoid. Many people feel that talking about suicide is just inviting trouble. I don't think that talking about suicide can cause a person to do it. To decide to commit suicide is one the hardest decisions that a person can do. To commit suicide may seem like the easiest way out of whatever problem you are faced with, however it is not the way to go. The only time it is appropriate is when you are saving someone's life, such as forcing a wolf to attack you while someone else can live. This is technically committing suicide because you are sacrificing your life. It is also not committing suicide at the same time because there is always a chance that you will survive it. Some people would call you being stupid for sacrificing yourself, and others would call you hero.
I know that everyone considers suicide once and a while. I know this because I have thought about it more than once on an occasion. The only reason why suicide comes up as an option is because it is much easier to hide from a problem than to fight with it head on. To commit suicide would be the ultimate way to hide from the issue because you wouldn't be able to feel anything again, you would be dead. The catch is that you won't have a way to reverse the decision if you actually do the suicide because there is no turning back after you have done the suicide. In almost any other decision there is something you can do to reverse what you are doing, however suicide there is no coming back from it.
With the problems and secrets that a person has to keep to himself/herself, suicide seems like the right thing to do. All throughout my life I have seemed to be a cocky person that didn't give a damn about life. I also was an extremely private person and wouldn't let anyone close enough to me to know how/what I thought about. This gave me a form of freedom of choice, however I was also more dangerous that way. I thought about suicide for almost every day of my life because of the secrets that I was keeping, which is what put me into the depressed state I was in. I kept people at a distance when it came to my personal life. I felt that if people really knew me, and my history, that I wouldn't have any form of "peace of mind".
Suicide always seems to be the easy way out because it is, however I never came close enough to go through with it. I would always weigh out the situation, in the form of how much pain/suffering is there now with me vs. how much pain/suffering would there be if I committed suicide. I always found that if I committed suicide that there would be more pain/suffering from friends/family & people around me than what I could bare to allow them to feel. I still think about suicide once in a while when I feel that my life isn't going anywhere. I will think about how many people would have pain/suffering to go through, which I didn't think that he/she deserved, I would decide that it was wrong to do such a thing. Many people in the past thought that I was joking when I would "play" with a knife around them, however 90% of the time I didn't care if I hurt myself because I was considering suicide. It sounds bad to emit such a thing, however this is the truth that no one realizes exists.
If we keep on avoiding talking about suicide, many people will consider it as an option. Usually when someone is considering suicide, the person is not considering how much pain/suffering will come to his/her loved ones if he/she actually does do the suicide. It is sad to say this, but it is the truth. There are many people in the world today that are suffering from secrets that he/she must keep to himself/herself. These secrets that people are keeping hidden are usually stuff like abuse (sexual/physical), rape, depression, etc. Most people that have these secrets will not allow anyone get close to them because of severity involved. These people fear how the public will look at them and treat them. I know this because I was just like these people. I thought about all of the things that cause a person to become as private as possible, and also I have considered suicide more than once in a week. Hell when I was depressed, I think I didn't think about suicide was when I was playing sports (having fun) with my friends. It sounds sad/cruel to say but it is the honest truth. The sad part is that I have been told that I am actually a normal person, and I can say that these things have gone through my mind.
The more that people try to bury the problems of the world and try to act like the problems do not exist, the more that the youth of the world will suffer. Suicide is one of those problems in the world that everyone tries to say that it is not a big problem. The biggest part of the problem about suicide is that people do not realize how close people are when suicide is considered. Although I never got the need to go all the way with the suicide, I did have times that I considered it. Many people that are considering suicide do not consider what the after-effects would be from him/her doing the suicide. Many people will not consider how much pain that other people will be in if he/she committed suicide. All the thoughts that goes through the mind of many people is whether the pain/suffering that he/she is feeling will stop. The answer to that question is yes, however that is the only thing that these people consider. I could never do something that could affect so many people so badly. This is the only thing that has been able to keep me alive for so long.
No matter how terrible a secret is there is no excuse to do any attempt to suicide. It is wrong to commit suicide however many people see it as an easy way out, which many people must realize is a reality. Until people realize that suicide is on everyone's minds, not talking about it may cause more suicides than not talking about it. This is sad truth and fact that no one is prepared to accept. Now after reading this thought, you should really consider talking about this problem with loved ones. If you don't talk about it, a loved one may think suicide is the right thing to do.
I know that out of my experience that suicide is not the way to go, however many people will not look at all the facts before attempting something. Many of the young people today will see a "short cut" and take it without thinking it through, and this is what suicide really is. I have been in therapy before, however none of this came out. The therapy was setup to allow me to feel once again. It took eight months to allow laughter to be felt again by me. I haven't been to therapy since because I have been obeying what I was told by the therapy. Any little thought I have "pop" into my head, I should write/type it out until I have "over analyzed" the thought enough.
Each of these thoughts on this website are done in that fashion. I have found that it helps me think more about important things by doing this, and thoughts about suicide diminishes. That is exactly what I am doing now with the subject of "suicide". I am causing myself to think/remember everything I went through in the past with thinking about it, and what actions I took. Hopefully what has been shown here may help some of you, and also this should help you understand me a little more. I may seem like an insane lunatic for making a website like this one, however with the feedback that I am receiving from some of you I know I have hit a nerve. Most of the feedback I am getting is negative (insulting), however I know that some of you are being helped by this website. To be able to see that there is someone that thinks like you, or has gone through similar situations is more of a relief at times.
The thoughts about suicide, and especially the actions of suicide, need to stop. For the human race to continue with the necessary abilities for the future, the human race needs all of the people possible to show the way. To have no more suicide will show that the human race is ready for the next level of evolution, and perhaps even the ability for worldwide peace. To achieve such a goal the need to destroy one and another needs to diminish, and the need for peace needs to be the greatest goal for everyone. When we are able to achieve such a goal, then the human race will finally be able to explore the deepest parts of space. This is something that will take a lot of time to achieve, and probably won't happen during my generation of life. Hopefully this site is able to show the way to go.
This is one of the topics that everyone tries to avoid. Everyone tries to avoid this topic because it is believed that if you don't talk about it, it will never happen. Here is a reality check that believes in that; the more you ignore something the more of a chance it will happen. This is a serious topic and needs to be discussed whenever someone brings it up. If you don't discuss this topic when someone brings it up, then you are ignoring that person altogether. If a person brings this topic up, then there is a high chance that the person needs to discuss his/her life.
This topic has come up today because it has reentered my mind recently. This means that I have become more disturbed than usual. My mind has jumped from topic to topic a lot, as anyone of you can see on this website, but it is rare for me to go near this topic. The reason behind this topic coming up again is because I have decided to attempt to come out of my depression a little more. For me to come out of the depression altogether requires me to confront the past directly, and I am not mentally prepared to do that right now. I am fearful of the result.
I know for me to continue coming out of my depression, I will need help. I know now that I will need professional help too. The professional help, therapy, I will be looking into in the next few days. This will be something that I am not comfortable in doing however is necessary because of the state of mind I am in now. I have a lot of stress right now and I will be dropping my guard during this time too. I will do this to force myself to experience more emotion than I normally would, and this should help to bring me closer to the end of this experience.
When a person has suffered as I have in life and hides from that suffering through a depression, hiding in such a matter can have worse results when you realize how depression is not an answer. My mental health, I have questioned for the past while. I have questioned it because the topic of suicide will come up once in a while. When I have discussed with others how far in depression I was, I mention that suicide was considered more times than I can count. I believe that I considered suicide once every 15 minutes when I was in the public (school, stores, gym), and once every 45 minutes when I was alone (including driving). With these types of numbers it is a wonder how I am still alive now.
When most people reach the point of considering suicide, the thoughts in the mind are to end the pain & suffering that you are experiencing in life. This is true for anyone that is seriously considering suicide. Those people that say that he/she is going to commit suicide aren't really going to do it. These people are trying to get extra attention from those around him/her. He/she was never really serious and knows that there is someone that is there to help bring him/her back from that consideration.
I am not like that. When I considered suicide, my true nature stopped me. My true nature is to try to protect those around me. This is how I went into the depression in the first place; I protected others at the sacrifice of myself. When suicide came up as an option, I would consider how the suicide would affect those around me. When I realized that the pain and suffering that I was having through the depression was nothing compared to the pain and suffering that I would inflict on those I'm around, I decided against the suicide. When most get close enough to do the suicide, he/she will never consider the result of the action and the affects on those around him/her. This is why I am still alive.
Currently I fear that the suicide thought may overcome me now. I am close to becoming "self-destructive" which means that I will be not the best person to be around for a while. I will start to have mood swings that make PMS look like child's play. I will not hold anything back, including the emotions and/or insults that I have for people. I know that this is near because I will have to go through it to come out of my depression. I went through it more than once to go into the depression, and I know that I will have to experience it at least once to come out of it.
This sounds harmless to many people, and I imagine many of you think that this "self-destruction" can't be that bad. I know that it is hard to believe that such a thing could exist, however you all also don't know how much pain and suffering I have gone through in my life. Needing to keep things bottled up so that I could protect those around me. To protect those people from a secret that has destructive results, and can change the outcome in life in the process. During the "self-destruction" process suicide is considered more than I can count. It is considered because of the amount of negative emotion that I go through becomes overwhelming. This is why therapy is being considered before I get to that point.
Although I didn't seem to believe that therapy was necessary to come out of this depression, I always knew that I had to go through it after time. I felt that since I put myself into the depression, I should be able to come out of it on my own. Sadly it doesn't work that way because there are too many variables that are happening to have me come out of this on my own. At the start of the end of this depression I wasn't ready to see a therapist because I wasn't prepared to see the real reason behind the depression. Now I have begun to realize the reason behind it, and I have begun (with help from a special friend) to come to the point that I require the therapist.
People can say that you need to see a therapist at any point in your life. For a person like myself, I have to feel the need to see a therapist. If I do not have the need for the therapist, I will not see any reason to see one. Now that I feel I need to see one, especially with what I know what is coming up in the future, I will make all attempts necessary to see a therapist. The amount of trust that I normally require to talk to a person with specific details about this whole thing, I will have to pass on. I will have to put the trust in the fact that the therapist is supposed to help.
I know that the therapist will have the ability to lock me up, if he/she feels it is necessary. I also know that regardless of how confidential things are supposed to be, if the therapist feels it necessary to involve the law he/she will. I know these things and this is why I wanted to do everything without a therapist. One thing that I will be telling the therapist is that if he/she tries to get the law involved, I will deny anything that I had said to him/her. I will not allow the lives of those around me to be destroyed by my secret. I am protective over these people and will take the necessary steps to continue to protect them.
Most people wouldn't be able to handle the type of pain and suffering I have gone through, in the first place. When you take into account that I will be re-experiencing it to come out of the depression, it seems that I will have more pain than anyone is suppose to have in a life. Suicide will be a consideration if I am not careful of how the end of this depression will happen. I have many people that have been doing a lot of "peer pressure" for me to "settle down". I have the "peer pressure" going on at the same time that I am coming out of a depression. The two things do not mix properly. This can become an explosive situation, and can throw me into the "self-destruction" state a little quicker in the process. I will be mentioning to people to leave me alone, or tell him/her to not bother me with those details right now. Hopefully they listen because I could become "snappy" if he/she doesn't listen to me.
I have made only so many people aware that I will be gong through a difficult stage in my life soon. I mentioned that it is part of the recovery process of the depression, and that I may not have control over anything I may say to him/her. I put the necessary apologizes in place incase I case him/her any hurt/pain with him/her. I know that I will be apologizing for a long time after that if I do anything to cause anyone the hurt/pain that I expect is coming. I hope that those that deserve the hurt/pain (bullies) get what he/she deserves; however I wouldn't wish any of this upon them because it is too much to go through for anyone.
As time continues to pass by, I know that I will have a difficult road ahead of me. I know I will be having more and more uncontrollable outbreaks, the closer that I get to the end of my depression. I also know that the closer that I come to the "self-destruction" that I feel is close, the more I know that people around me suffer because of me. There are two ways for me to stop anyone from feeling and pain & suffering when this "self-destruction" starts. One way is to stay away from everyone, which means that I would become the most anti-social person in the world. The second way is to end my life altogether through suicide, however the pain & suffering of that may be worse to them than the "self-destruction" that I will be going through. Suicide isn't an option now, however it may become one after time. There is no way to tell how my mind will be after so much of the "self-destruction".
The "self-destruction" process may take only a couple of days to go through, or it may take a few months. This process is all of the "self-doubt" that I have towards myself being magnified by 30, and the "self-confidence" I have reduced by 85%. This can make me a very destructive person in the process. Any secret that I have been holding on to for longer than 3 years has a high chance to be attacked. The positive side is that the secrets that I have held for the last 3 years will not be an issue; at least they haven't been in the past. In the past I have made myself an anti-social person to protect those around me from the destructiveness that will be happening to me.
This "self-destruction" will be more difficult this time through because I am trying to stop repressing things. In the past I was forcing myself to repress things, which after time the "self-destruction" was over with because I felt nothing to instigate it. Now I am trying to feel everything that I have repressed, which will make this "self-destruction" last longer than any other. This also means that I may not have any control over myself when it comes this time too. I pray I will have more control than I expect, or many people will find out why I have been depressed for so long. This is a disaster that is just waiting to happen, and I hope with therapy that I will have enough control to conquer the "self-destruction" this time through.
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