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The true test to any friendship will come now and again. Sometimes it happens when you see how well a friend is able to keep a secret. Sometimes you will insult that friend to see how much that friend will take before he/she will tries to end the friendship. There are many ways to test a friendship, however it is still possible to have that friend fake the response so that you will trust him/her anyhow. There are couple of tests of friendships that a person can do, however many people aren't prepared to do them in the first place. Those tests are similar to what I am about to experience with my friends.
When you go through a difficult time in your life, your friends are supposed to stand by you through that difficult time. Regardless if that friend is responsible for that difficult thing, that friend is expected to help you as much as he/she can. Currently I am faced with something very similar. I am taking myself out of a depressed state, which I started to do 15 months ago. I went into that depressed state because of something in my past that dealt with one of my friends. To protect myself and everyone else around us from ridicule I went into a depression. I did this because I wasn't prepared to deal with the harsh thing that had happened, and because I felt that the truth would just cause too much pain & suffering around either of us.
I became one of the more anti-social people when people wanted to get closer to me. Where I was in a depression, I would only allow people to get so close to me. The thing that is really interesting is that I am able to talk to anyone about anything, however I will not let anyone get close to me. It sounds weird but that is the way that I was/am. I was a friend to everyone in any class that I was in because of the ability to talk to him/her about anything that he/she wanted to talk about. Too many people did not see the depression; even my parents thought it was only a phase or a rut that I was going through.
I have gone through many things in my life, many of which my family is yet to hear about. One of those things is the past that I have kept secret for too long. I kept it a secret because of the negative effect that it would have on all of our lives. I refused to allow having that thing cause any pain & suffering to those that are around me. I protected everyone, without them knowing that I was, and I caused myself a lot of pain & suffering in the process. My family has only recently been told that I was in a depressed state for the last 12 years. It is sad when your family is not able to see that something serious is wrong with you, however that was because I wouldn't let anyone get close to me during those times. For some people, that type of action would show that there was something wrong.
I will be going through an extremely difficult time soon. I know that hiding from the past, as long as I have, needs to stop. I need to leave this depression, completely, regardless of the impact on my life. I have caused too much pain & suffering to myself, and caused myself to be unable to continue with my life in the process. I know that it sounds like I am no longer willing to protect those that I protected in the past, however it isn't like that at all. I have always done things for other people, regardless of the impact on myself and this has caused me to no longer feel normal. Everyone around me has told me that I need to start doing things for myself.
This will be the first time that I do something for myself, in a long time. I will be coming out of this depression completely. I started the process without any professional help, and was hoping that I didn't need any professional help. It has been brought to my attention that I am wrong. To come out of this depression completely, I will need to the professional help because of the mental strain that I will be under to do it on my own.
I have decided to go for to a therapist because I know that I have a "self-destruction" process that I will have to go through. The "self-destruction" process is everything I have repressed and the "self-doubt" that I have (times 30), released all at once. This can be very devastating to anyone that experiences it, directly or indirectly. This can be seen by other people as a "nervous breakdown", however it isn't. This "self-destruction" makes a "nervous breakdown" and "PMS" seem like child's play. The "self-destruction" has the ability to destroy everything/everyone I hold dear. It is very dangerous if I experience it in a public setting (initially). I have experienced it in the past but only when I began to repress my emotions.
I know that this "self-destruction", as I call it, doesn't seem bad to you but I know better. This is the type of thing that if I were in a public setting when I initially experience it, I would be taken to a mental institution for a long time. I know this for the fact that I literally lose control of what I do/say, which can/will have me locked up for a great length of time. This is why I call it a "self-destruction" because it will destroy everything if not controlled properly. Where in the past I wanted to repress things, I was able to go through the "self-destruction" easily. Now that I am trying to feel everything again, I may not be able to control myself during the "self-destruction".
I have yet to shed any tears about my past. I didn't express any emotion about the past, until this past weekend. During a conversation with a special friend of mine, I was able to finally express/feel some of the emotions that deals with my past. This is when it was brought to my attention to see a therapist because I am beginning to feel the emotions dealing with the past. Afterwards I was able to see that my "self-destruction" may be closer than I think it is. I usually see warnings in my behavior when the "self-destruction" is near, however I haven't seen any yet. Being able to feel some of the emotions that I have buried for so long may be making it harder to know when the time is near.
Time is a factor that may not be on my side. When I finally go through this "self-destruction" I will see who is actually my friends. If friendships end due to or because of my "self-destruction", I will know that those friends weren't really friends. If friends are to stand by you through anything, then those that leave during this "self-destruction" process are not worth having as friends. Those friends that stay with me, even after seeing the worst of me, are the friends that will be with me to the end of life. The problem is that suicide is a big consideration during the "self-destruction" process. It was in the past, and I expect it to be a big consideration this time through.
The future can only tell whether I will be a better person after this experience, or if I will be a worse one. I know that if this "self-destruction" comes at the wrong time, I hope my friends will be able to help me to the best of his/her abilities to help me conquer this. I know that it will be difficult for many of them, and I wish that I could protect all of them from seeing me that way. I know that people will have to see the worst side of you after time, and hopefully any therapy that I have will help me too. God have mercy on my friends & me because I won't during my "self-destruction".
This is one of the topics that everyone tries to avoid. Everyone tries to avoid this topic because it is believed that if you don't talk about it, it will never happen. Here is a reality check that believes in that; the more you ignore something the more of a chance it will happen. This is a serious topic and needs to be discussed whenever someone brings it up. If you don't discuss this topic when someone brings it up, then you are ignoring that person altogether. If a person brings this topic up, then there is a high chance that the person needs to discuss his/her life.
This topic has come up today because it has reentered my mind recently. This means that I have become more disturbed than usual. My mind has jumped from topic to topic a lot, as anyone of you can see on this website, but it is rare for me to go near this topic. The reason behind this topic coming up again is because I have decided to attempt to come out of my depression a little more. For me to come out of the depression altogether requires me to confront the past directly, and I am not mentally prepared to do that right now. I am fearful of the result.
I know for me to continue coming out of my depression, I will need help. I know now that I will need professional help too. The professional help, therapy, I will be looking into in the next few days. This will be something that I am not comfortable in doing however is necessary because of the state of mind I am in now. I have a lot of stress right now and I will be dropping my guard during this time too. I will do this to force myself to experience more emotion than I normally would, and this should help to bring me closer to the end of this experience.
When a person has suffered as I have in life and hides from that suffering through a depression, hiding in such a matter can have worse results when you realize how depression is not an answer. My mental health, I have questioned for the past while. I have questioned it because the topic of suicide will come up once in a while. When I have discussed with others how far in depression I was, I mention that suicide was considered more times than I can count. I believe that I considered suicide once every 15 minutes when I was in the public (school, stores, gym), and once every 45 minutes when I was alone (including driving). With these types of numbers it is a wonder how I am still alive now.
When most people reach the point of considering suicide, the thoughts in the mind are to end the pain & suffering that you are experiencing in life. This is true for anyone that is seriously considering suicide. Those people that say that he/she is going to commit suicide aren't really going to do it. These people are trying to get extra attention from those around him/her. He/she was never really serious and knows that there is someone that is there to help bring him/her back from that consideration.
I am not like that. When I considered suicide, my true nature stopped me. My true nature is to try to protect those around me. This is how I went into the depression in the first place; I protected others at the sacrifice of myself. When suicide came up as an option, I would consider how the suicide would affect those around me. When I realized that the pain and suffering that I was having through the depression was nothing compared to the pain and suffering that I would inflict on those I'm around, I decided against the suicide. When most get close enough to do the suicide, he/she will never consider the result of the action and the affects on those around him/her. This is why I am still alive.
Currently I fear that the suicide thought may overcome me now. I am close to becoming "self-destructive" which means that I will be not the best person to be around for a while. I will start to have mood swings that make PMS look like child's play. I will not hold anything back, including the emotions and/or insults that I have for people. I know that this is near because I will have to go through it to come out of my depression. I went through it more than once to go into the depression, and I know that I will have to experience it at least once to come out of it.
This sounds harmless to many people, and I imagine many of you think that this "self-destruction" can't be that bad. I know that it is hard to believe that such a thing could exist, however you all also don't know how much pain and suffering I have gone through in my life. Needing to keep things bottled up so that I could protect those around me. To protect those people from a secret that has destructive results, and can change the outcome in life in the process. During the "self-destruction" process suicide is considered more than I can count. It is considered because of the amount of negative emotion that I go through becomes overwhelming. This is why therapy is being considered before I get to that point.
Although I didn't seem to believe that therapy was necessary to come out of this depression, I always knew that I had to go through it after time. I felt that since I put myself into the depression, I should be able to come out of it on my own. Sadly it doesn't work that way because there are too many variables that are happening to have me come out of this on my own. At the start of the end of this depression I wasn't ready to see a therapist because I wasn't prepared to see the real reason behind the depression. Now I have begun to realize the reason behind it, and I have begun (with help from a special friend) to come to the point that I require the therapist.
People can say that you need to see a therapist at any point in your life. For a person like myself, I have to feel the need to see a therapist. If I do not have the need for the therapist, I will not see any reason to see one. Now that I feel I need to see one, especially with what I know what is coming up in the future, I will make all attempts necessary to see a therapist. The amount of trust that I normally require to talk to a person with specific details about this whole thing, I will have to pass on. I will have to put the trust in the fact that the therapist is supposed to help.
I know that the therapist will have the ability to lock me up, if he/she feels it is necessary. I also know that regardless of how confidential things are supposed to be, if the therapist feels it necessary to involve the law he/she will. I know these things and this is why I wanted to do everything without a therapist. One thing that I will be telling the therapist is that if he/she tries to get the law involved, I will deny anything that I had said to him/her. I will not allow the lives of those around me to be destroyed by my secret. I am protective over these people and will take the necessary steps to continue to protect them.
Most people wouldn't be able to handle the type of pain and suffering I have gone through, in the first place. When you take into account that I will be re-experiencing it to come out of the depression, it seems that I will have more pain than anyone is suppose to have in a life. Suicide will be a consideration if I am not careful of how the end of this depression will happen. I have many people that have been doing a lot of "peer pressure" for me to "settle down". I have the "peer pressure" going on at the same time that I am coming out of a depression. The two things do not mix properly. This can become an explosive situation, and can throw me into the "self-destruction" state a little quicker in the process. I will be mentioning to people to leave me alone, or tell him/her to not bother me with those details right now. Hopefully they listen because I could become "snappy" if he/she doesn't listen to me.
I have made only so many people aware that I will be gong through a difficult stage in my life soon. I mentioned that it is part of the recovery process of the depression, and that I may not have control over anything I may say to him/her. I put the necessary apologizes in place incase I case him/her any hurt/pain with him/her. I know that I will be apologizing for a long time after that if I do anything to cause anyone the hurt/pain that I expect is coming. I hope that those that deserve the hurt/pain (bullies) get what he/she deserves; however I wouldn't wish any of this upon them because it is too much to go through for anyone.
As time continues to pass by, I know that I will have a difficult road ahead of me. I know I will be having more and more uncontrollable outbreaks, the closer that I get to the end of my depression. I also know that the closer that I come to the "self-destruction" that I feel is close, the more I know that people around me suffer because of me. There are two ways for me to stop anyone from feeling and pain & suffering when this "self-destruction" starts. One way is to stay away from everyone, which means that I would become the most anti-social person in the world. The second way is to end my life altogether through suicide, however the pain & suffering of that may be worse to them than the "self-destruction" that I will be going through. Suicide isn't an option now, however it may become one after time. There is no way to tell how my mind will be after so much of the "self-destruction".
The "self-destruction" process may take only a couple of days to go through, or it may take a few months. This process is all of the "self-doubt" that I have towards myself being magnified by 30, and the "self-confidence" I have reduced by 85%. This can make me a very destructive person in the process. Any secret that I have been holding on to for longer than 3 years has a high chance to be attacked. The positive side is that the secrets that I have held for the last 3 years will not be an issue; at least they haven't been in the past. In the past I have made myself an anti-social person to protect those around me from the destructiveness that will be happening to me.
This "self-destruction" will be more difficult this time through because I am trying to stop repressing things. In the past I was forcing myself to repress things, which after time the "self-destruction" was over with because I felt nothing to instigate it. Now I am trying to feel everything that I have repressed, which will make this "self-destruction" last longer than any other. This also means that I may not have any control over myself when it comes this time too. I pray I will have more control than I expect, or many people will find out why I have been depressed for so long. This is a disaster that is just waiting to happen, and I hope with therapy that I will have enough control to conquer the "self-destruction" this time through.
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