HIYA...WELCOME TO OUR JOKE PAGE!!!! THESE ARE SOME INTERSTING FUNNIES OUR FRIENDS ON THE INTERNET SENT US. YOU GOT ANY COOL ONES?? EMAIL 'EM TO US. WE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU......
Next time you think there is no popcorn because you can't smell it,
remember this:
An elderly lady went in to see her doctor,
"Doctor, I have a terrible problem. I am constantly farting. It is not
a social problem because they don't make any noise and they never stink.
It is just that it happens constantly. In fact, since I have been here I
have probably farted 25 times."
The doctor gave her some medicine and said, "Take these and then come
back and see me in 2 weeks."
The lady returned 2 weeks later, mad as hell..
"What kind of medicine did you give me!!!? I still fart just as much,
they still don't make any noise but now they stink!!!"
The doctor replied, "Calm down and stop shouting. Now that we have your sinuses cleared
up, we'll work on your hearing."
Once there was a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans..
He loved them, but they always provoked an embarrassing reaction..
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent
that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go
through with the marriage with me carrying on like this."
So he gave up beans. A few months later, on the way home from
work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he
called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to
walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful
aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several
miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he
got home. So he had several helpings. All the way home he putt-putted..
By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She blindfolded him, sat him at the table and made him promise not to peek. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the
telephone rang. She made him promise not to peek and went to the
phone. While she was gone, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was loud and ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him..
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on.. While keeping an ear tuned in on the wife and staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning
each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for talking so long she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE"!! To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive
lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon
discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and
apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began
showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions
by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine..
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
"Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods.
Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a
glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed
and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It
seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my
whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins
being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another
world..
"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- How do I set my laser printer on stun?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
- If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
- If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
- Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- What happens when none of your bees wax?
- Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
- If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't
everyone just move 10 miles away?
- Should we not sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things?
- Is atheism is a nonprophet organization?
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
- Is the main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the
bad girls live?
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose..
- If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they
all still working?
- Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
- Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
- If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the
office. Why?
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I
look at your picture and the problem disappears..
Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, '"What other
problem can there be greater than this one ?"
A man, his wife, and their eight children were waiting at a bus
stop. Not long after, a blind man joins the group..
The bus arrives. The blind man and the husband are forced to
walk because there's just no more room on the bus..
As they walk together, the tapping of the blind man's cane
starts to irritate the other man. Finally, the man says, "You
know, that's pretty irritating. Why don't you put a rubber on
the end of that stick?"
The blind man retorts: "If you'd put a rubber on the end of
*your* stick, we'd both be on that bus."
ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND
IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all
your clothes when the light goes out..
IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement UpstairsIN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday
please bring it back or further steps will be taken..
IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the
teapot and stand upside down on the draining board..
ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this
door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft..
Please use side entrance)
OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles,
washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along
and get a wonderful bargain..
QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will
be drowned. By order of the District Council..
NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments
here for more than 30 days will be disposed of..
IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness..
SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't
know it, there is a day care on the first floor..
NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the
field for free, but the bull charges..
MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will
tell you how to get lessons..
ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard
on the door - the bell doesn't work)
SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below..
A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her
first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another
woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her
sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:
Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me,
and is good in bed..
About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man
with no arms and legs on her front
porch..
"I'm here about your ad," he says..
"You must be mistaken," she says..
"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And
I can't run away, because I don't
have any legs."
"But," she asks,"How do I know you're good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
A woman comes home after her first golf lesson looking very unhappy..
"What's wrong?" asks her husband..
"I got stung by a bee," she says..
"Too bad. Where did it happen?"
"Between the first and second holes."
"Well," says her husband, rolling his eyes, "I can tell you right now your
stance is too wide!"
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity;
looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the
wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his
exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the
blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the
clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of
hitting her from here!"
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a
fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now
that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to
build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The
Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the
Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down. The Englishman says,
"A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his
head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker
says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a
fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the
stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all
over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you
doing???" The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your
canoe, asshole!"