Entry 10:
Self TorturePage 5..nice to see you have made it.
-Sincerely, Puckfly
The last thought posted below was on: 01/13/00
Entry 10:
Self Torture
Ahead warp factor 5, to borrow a line from a well known Science Fiction television show. I said that to myself, when I agreed to take on an assignment from a co-worker. What a mistake on my part that turned out to be. Not that the event I was invited to was, no it was my own fault. I cannot hold anyone else to blame. I feel as a surgeon must feel after failing to save a life, and watching the ekg flatline....
The pain I feel for a task that seemed simple at the time yet could not be completed even by me has left me with an empty sinking feeling. I have no confidencce in myself anymore...Every night I look towards the moon and shudder with a cold feeling that comes from within...I feel as if I am truly dead this time. My tears are of blood, while I weep for that which I cannot correct.
A constant reminder greets me everyday of my failure and no amount of consolation will ever let me feel as if I am truly forgiven. It is ironic to note that one song on the soundtrack to "Les Miserables" (The Miserable?) brings a slight trace of a smile to my face, but that's only because the voice is entrancing and hypnotic...I am able to lose myself for a brief moment in her voice, but I am quickly brought back to reality...people tell me all is not lost but I beg to differ. I have lost my mind, and have gone insane.
Entry 11:
Awakenings
Imagine if you will a fog ahead of you. You know you are going in the right direction, yet the fog pretty much 'clouds' your vision, as well as judgment, and prevents any quick progress. Now imagine yourself at your destination or goal. Nine times out of ten, by the time one reaches their goal or their destination, when they turn around the fog will have dissappeared. It is eerie how life gives us this symbolism. I have had such a fog lifted from my progress recently and to be quite honest I feel like a different person.
Many things were revealed to me these past few days leading up to this (should I use the cliche?) Millenium until finally talk gave way to action. "Put up or shut up" as the phrase goes. I have many memories that I would like to share but right now it's hard to put a focus on any one memory as they all seem to blur into one, however it has redefined my definition of Art and expression. Photography is the personal ability to create an image with ideals that are pleasing to the photographer. My fog was that of failure, but recently there has been a resurgence and re-study of the basic principles that has re-awakened my passions. I want to say that New Years 99/00 will be forever memorable for me for having this among other "fogs" lifted from my path, and I look forward into embracing the true spirit of the Toreador (sensualism will factor heavily in my new works).
I hope that everyone had a safe and happy New Years celebration and wherever you are, be aware...Y2K-it's not just for breakfast anymore...
Entry 12: The Failures continue
I sit pretty much defeated, on this 13th night of the new millenium. I went into this new era hoping to at least have a new outlook on life. Pretty much I hoped to start again with my photography as well as a relationship that went further than friendship. Apparently 13 is not my luckiest number as I have failed at the easiest task faced by mankind.
AOLUser: I do not want anything from you
AOLUser:Good night
The above message sat upon my computer screen for a good hour. The impact was felt immediately after I received it. The joy of the "Instant" Message. The sudden pain, it gives the victim no time to recover from the blow. I would put the entire message up but those last two lines had the most meaning to the evening, regardless of whether they were kind words or not. I can only hope and pray that I can make it into the working environment in a few short days with a little scrap of dignity and pride left.
The bottom line is that right now I feel like a failure when only a day ago I felt as if I was unstoppable and that nothing in the world could go wrong. All I see before me is the empty color black and the sound of solitude. My smile has been replaced by a bitter grimace, my head hung in shame. Pain knows no color or race or gender. It deals its blows mercilessly to the weakened ones. I am done.