This diary registered with The Diary Registry
This is my diary, beginning on September 1, 1998
For previous entries, click HERE.
 September 1, 1998
This was a really, really special day for Master and I. We got to spend A LOT of time together; on the phone, and on IRC,
and we both just really seemed in tune to each other, instinctively knowing what each other needed. It was fantastic. We
ended our phone time with me taking a nice warm bath while talking to him again, which I love, and is probably one of the
most romantic things that we do together. There was a lot of intense D/s going on between us, but there was also a lot
of love and tenderness toward each other, too, which just made everything that much more special.
September 2, 1998
Well, I've decided to make a REAL effort to try and add a little something to my diary *every day* because really, things
are changing so constantly with my Master and my relationship. Its good, overall, but like in any other kind of relationship,
there are the bad times, too. I wish those could be avoided, but I think really its because of the intensity of our feelings
for each other, that causes some frustrations, too, especially dealing with long distance. Today is not a real good day
for me. I've been sick for a couple of weeks now with this summer cold that just hangs on forever! Its driving me nuts!
I try and act like I feel better than I really do for Master; what I do NOT need is his lectures about smoking, taking care
of myself, etc. What I would like to get from him is just a little sympathy and maybe a little extra love and understanding.
I know, though, that if I really let him know how yuck I feel, I'll be lectured on smoking, taking care of myself, and made
to feel like getting sick is my fault and it isn't!!! Then, Master was supposed to call me this morning. Well...I wait and wait,
the time he swore he'd call by comes and goes (this is just way too damn familiar). He does call, late, which to be real
honest, is what I have come to expect from him lately. I know that, from time to time, emergencies do come up, for
everybody, but he just seems to have an awful lot more than most, yanno? He tells me his life is complicated---like mine
ISN'T??? Come ON! Then, the *ONE* time that I did have to leave, because of a medical emergency with my daughter,
he was very loving and understanding about it at the time. However, it seemed like he just could not WAIT to use that
one medical emergency (the only time I have ever done anything like that) against me; he threw it up to me. It was a
really cheap shot, and I guess I'd have to be honest and admit that I still resent it. He keeps telling me to trust him, but
every time a measure of trust does build up, without fail he lets me down again. Its really difficult to deal with sometimes.
It makes for a lot of frustration. Its not that I doubt his love for me, but I do honestly feel like he could make me a little
bit more of a priority in his life. Not his whole life, just let me feel like he really goes out of his way to be with me, the way
that I do with him. If he read this, he'll have a million justifications for everything, but none of them will change the way
that things are. If he wants me to trust him, he needs to maybe keep me waiting less often? Of course, the one time
that he did deliberately withhold contact from me, because he was mad, is going to be real hard for me to get past. Each
time now that he's late, I can't help but wonder if maybe he's doing it on purpose, pissed about something. He really
hurt me bad by doing that, and I know he doesn't understand why my trust in him was so damaged by that. Well, I
guess thats enough bashing for now; I just really needed to get these things out. Thanks for reading. Hopefully tomorrow
will be a little better day, and a much better diary entry.
September 8, 1998
Okay, so I've already failed at writing something every day. Oh well...I've been really sick, terrible flu bug, and I just
really haven't felt up to doing much of anything. But, time to get back to work! Yesterday, I got the most special letter
from Master in e-mail. It was really very romantic and special, and he gave me permission to use it on the website, you
can read it by clicking here. It really, I think, demonstrates the very romantic side of D/s
that I've found. I was talking in a chatroom the other day with some other submissives; and we all seemed to agree that,
for some reason, D/s relationships tend to be more romantic than vanilla ones. I'm not really sure why that is, but it sure
has been my experience. I have been working on the web site a little bit, added a new webring, gave some more new
awards. I really enjoy doing the site, its a great way for me to express the joy and wonder that I've found in my relationship
with my Master. Its like, I have so much love and emotion inside me, I had to find some outlet. I am also planning to do
another maybe kind of mini-site, just of some stories that I write. I haven't written anything new in awhile, and Master has
hinted, not very subtlely, that its time to start writing again, and he's right! Well, enough rambling for now.
September 10, 1998
Just taking a few minutes this morning to write something. Yesterday with Master was so special! Much, much more of
an emotional thing than a sexual thing yesterday, as Master himself said. It was just a really good, close, loving time for
us, our hearts were reigning, and everything just felt so beautiful and so right. Its good, as Master said, that we have so
much more than just D/s or just sex between us, we are honestly good friends, lovers, and so much more to each other.
What we have is very special and I treasure it very much.
September 11, 1998
Well, I just talked to Master on the phone, I'm not in a great mood, probably not a good time to be writing, but I do need
to try and keep this a little more up-to-date! I am in the process of moving the site to a different server, with a lot more
space, plus, I might be changing ISPs soon, which would mean I'd have to move the website, no choice. I do like the
idea of more room, though. Its going to be another long weekend, with no Master. I hate weekends, because its always
so hard for us to get together. This one is especially nasty, cause so far no IRC time (he says he'll be on IRC in an hour,
well we'll see), then he also informed me that Monday he's got political stuff to do. More important than a neglected slave
over the weekend? Apparently so. I do wish he'd try harder to make time for us, the way that I do. I guess really what
bothers me is that he expects to have such complete control over me. That in itself is NOT a problem, but I think that
if he wants that much control, he needs to be willing and able to do more in terms of a time commitment; this thing starts
feeling kind of one-sided a lot of the time. Well....I'm not going to vent any more about that; its an old story, one I guess
we'll get worked out eventually. We really have had a terrific week though, so that much I am very grateful for! I kn ow
that next week will get better, too, if we can just make it past the darn weekend!
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