A slave's diary

This is my record of my thoughts and experiences as I travel into submission to my Master. Previous entries can be found here.

This diary registered with The Diary Registry

June 30, 1998

I haven't updated my diary in a few days; with my daughter home for the summer, I'm real busy, and I've also been doing a lot of soul-searching. I have reached a major turning point in my life, and right now, I just am not sure where I am headed. I do know what I want, and what my Master wants; but, there are more people to think about; especially my daughter. I have to put her first, ahead of anything else. Its up to me to try and make a decision that is going to have a major impact on her life, no matter what it is I decide. It would sure be nice to have all the answers, to just "know", beyond a doubt, exactly what the right decision for her would be. Unfortunately, I don't know that. I just have to try and follow my heart and my soul, figure out what I think would be best, and hope and pray that I'm right. Master is doing all that he can to make this decision as easy as he can for me, and I am more grateful to him for that than I could ever express. He is not putting pressure on me to give him an immediate decision; he understands how difficult this is for me, and is being as flexible as he can be. Of course, this is also a major decision for him, too; he has to decide whether he will or can take on the responsibility of a child that is not his own. I know that he can handle it; its just the way he is. Still, its going to be an enormous change for him. We talk a lot about things, major issues, but also little smaller details; trying to work this thing out the best way that we can. As he says, if we are destined to be together, things will work out.

July 6, 1998

Things have been so insane in my real life the past week or so, I've been pretty much a basket case. I'm trying to make some decisions about what direction my life is going to take, and its just so hard! I know what I want, but I also have my daughter and the rest of my family to think about. My Master, too, of course!!! I feel, right now, like I'm being very, very greedy, "wanting it all" and probably I guess I am, at least at this point. A part of me wants to think that there is still some hope for my marriage to work itself out, and maybe there is. Its real hard to just turn and walk away from the past 18 years. Also, of course, there is my daughter to consider. How the decisions that I make now will impact her in the future; its so scary being a parent. You have this little life completely in your hands; and they do NOT come with an instruction manual! You just have to follow your heart and do what you feel is best---if you can figure out what the hell that is!!! Of course, my daughter really is the most important part of my life; and I can't imagine what life would be like without her, complications and all. Master called today on the phone; it just helped SO MUCH to just hear the sound of his voice. I will never get tired of it, and it is always so very sexy! Its just as exciting to me now as it was the first time I ever spoke to him. We had the most wonderful talk today. I told him how confused I am feeling, and he was so incredibly understanding and patient. He is putting no pressure on me at all; he's letting me deal with things in my own time and in my own way. I just love him more all the time; there seems to be no end to the amount of love that I can feel for him. Of course, the sex is great!!! But, we also have a friendship that I treasure. Even without the sex, and the D/s aspects of our relationship; I have never in my life had a friend like him. There is nothing that I cannot tell him, and I am secure in knowing he will accept me, will not judge me; he lets me be who I am, he accepts every part of me. I know that I would truly be lost without him.

July 18, 1998>

Well, I am finally getting around to updating the site a little bit (Master had to punish me for my laziness to get me going!). I've been having such a wonderful time with Master on irc lately! I was a little concerned that after we had met real-life, and become real-life Master and slave, that perhaps the cyber times we share might not be as special. I was WRONG! If anything, having become real-life Master and slave, seems to make our cyber times even more intense. It still feels just as real, if not more so, than it ever was. I also feel like we've become even better friends than we were before. We have always been able to just sit and talk with each other, about life in general, what was happening with family, jobs, etc., but that seems even stronger now. I still find myself questioning whether this has all been a dream, if its possible to be this happy. If it is a dream, I know that I sure don't want to wake up!

July 20, 1998

Today was a special day for Master and me. First, we both had alot more time than usual to spend together on IRC, so of course, we both really enjoyed that. Also, we took our cyber a step further than we have in the past; Master asked me to do something that I had never done before, and something that I quite honestly did not want to do, and did not think I could do, even "just cyber." For us, our cyber scenes are as real as real-life; we both take it completely seriously, and the feelings we both get from it are very real. Anyway, I wanted to please Him, so I obeyed, I submitted to His will. I did not like what happened, but I did get an incredibly submissive feeling from obeying Master, and I loved it; the feelings were so intense, I felt so owned and controlled by Him; it was fantastic. I am glad that I did submit. I know that He would have loved me just as much if I had told Him that I just could not do what He wished; but, the fact that I did gave both of us a wonderful feeling of closeness, strengthened our Master/slave relationship. Again, in the evening, we also did a more intense cyber scene than usual for us; Master took the humiliation factor much more intensely that we had done before. It was, again, difficult for me to tolerate, but, after it was over, I had such a warm, happy, and content feeling inside, at having served my Master, and submitted completely to Him. Its very important to point out that after both episodes, Master was very loving, warm, and romantic; and He went out of His way to be certain I knew that what we had done did not make Him not love me; in fact, it deepened our love for each other. Today my Master helped me reach a new, deeper level of submission to Him, and I cherish these feelings.

August 6, 1998
The past couple of weeks have really been kind of strange for me; both in my personal life and my "cyber" life with Master. We have had some of the best times ever; but also some of the worst, unfortunately. However, things seem to be smoothing out now, and our future looks terrific! I love my Master more every day, whether the times we are going through are good or bad. I never lose sight of my love for him, and he tries very hard to make sure I always know how much he loves me. Its just really difficult to keep a long-distance relationship going sometimes, but I just would not trade what I have found with him for anything.

August 11, 1998
I've been super-busy lately, with the site and r/l stuff; a lot of real life things going on, its been pretty wild! Actually, times like this, I really do think its Master that keeps me steady and hanging on. I have come to depend so much on Him; my life has changed so drastically, I can't imagine living without Him now. He's such a big part of who I am now. We had a very intenes time together today on IRC; I was very afraid to tell Him something I'd done; scened in channel with another female submissive; I was so afraid of His reaction. However, as I should have known, I had nothing to worry about. My Master's love for me is just about as unconditional as I could imagine. He loves me so much, is so accepting of what and who I am, I can't imagine how I could ever doubt Him, or His feelings for me. Today just reinforced, for me, just how special and wonderful what we have found together is.

August 12, 1998
Today was sort of an odd day with Master; we spent some time online together, and it didn't go very well for awhile, it looked like we were going to be fighting again. He made mention of the fact that I was being combative again (which I was, in all honesty). He said he felt like "retreating", just saying goodbye, before things got any worse, but, we were both able to pull back a little from the situation; stop saying hurtful things; and work it out. Our time actually went very well after that. He did ask me to do something for him, which I wasn't real comfortable with at first, but I did as he asked. I felt pretty strange about it for awhile, which may have contributed to the tension we went through for awhile, but then, I got more okay about what was going on; he didn't put a lot of pressure on me to do something I really did not feel like I could. I was, really, for some reason fighting with myself and my desire to submit to him; normally that is the most natural thing in the world for me to do, but I was fighting it today. I don't really know why; I just do that sometimes. I find myself fighting my own need and desire to submit. It may be, partly, that I am not fully willing or able to accept that this is how I am. When I do give in, and let myself surrender and be open, without fail, I feel very, very good about it, which I suppose is why times like today, when I fight my submissivenes, is really confusing to me. I am very grateful that I have a patient and understanding Master, who gives me space to be who I am, and also lets me deal with things my own way and in my own time. He is more than willing to help me along my journey, but never pressures me to go farther than I want to. I also told him a very, "deep, dark" fantasy of mine; one I had kind of been holding back on, thinking it may be just a bit too extreme; but, as I should have known; he accepted my fantasy, did not judge me in any way, and in fact, he even said that it excited him, too. It just means so much to me to have him be the way he is, accepting of me just as I am, in all my imperfection and vulnerability, to him and he does not try and abuse the power he has over me, nor does he try and pressure me. I am so lucky to have found him.

August 14, 1998
Today I met with Master on IRC again; we had such a great time! We tried something new, that we had never experimented with before, and I loved it, because it challenged my obedience. He asked something of me that I really did not want to do, but I wanted to do it, to please Him, and to show my obedience; I think as much to myself as to him. I always know that with Master I have the option of telling him that something is just more than I can handle, and he would still feel the same about me, but, I really liked getting the chance today to show him just how obedient I can be, and how much I want to please him, even if it means doing something I may not really want to do. Its not like I felt that I had to prove anything to him; he has told me time and again that I have proven myself to him in so many ways, he never asks for proof or "tests," but this is just something that I wanted and need to prove to myself, to prove to myself that I can and will submit to him. It made it a very special day for me, and for Master too. It deepened our love even more.

August 20, 1998
Well, Master and I have had a really intense week together; some good, some bad, but very intense. Its been great, really. We've spoken on the phone every day so far except yesterday, and of course I love hearing his voice! I feel as though we have really grown in our relationship. I feel able to submit to him more and more, and in fact, I find that I am needing to submit to him more and more. Its just almost like an ache inside of me, the need to submit to him, to be his, to do what he wants. I trust him enough that I know I do not have to worry about when I am with him, he will never take me farther than I want to go, and he will never ask more of me than I am able or willing to give. Right now I'm sitting on IRC waiting for him, it doesn't seem that he has been able to get back on (technical problems like crazy on irc today!) But we just had an incredible phone call; I love hearing his voice so much!!!! Well, I suppose I'll go back and wait a bit more to see if the problems work out or not. Anyway, I sure do love my Master, and he is doing a great job of keeping his slave very happy!

August 25, 1998
Today was GREAT! Master and I just had such a good time together! We got to spend A LOT of time together, much more than usual, and that in itself was great, but also, both on the phone and on IRC we just had the best time! I feel like I have reached a new level of submission to him. That happened on this phone this morning. It was great. We are both fairly new to phonesex, but it is terrific!!! Today in particular it was just so fantastic! We ended our phone time by his instructing me to draw a warm bath, and I added a little baby oil just to feel good and for a light little scent, and we stayed on the phone together while I bathed. It was just the most romantic time! I was so happy and feeling so good about us, and about everything, that I got a little silly, giggly and everything, but Master didn't mind. We just really had a fantastic time, and this day will be a special one for a very long time.

Please, won't you take just a moment to sign my guestbook, let me know you were here?

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