From the Washington Post -- A contest was held in which readers were 
asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work. 

1. If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The 
voices told me to clean all the guns today. 

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my 
Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. 

3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half 
back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time 
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was 
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source 
exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my 
dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, 
or early. 

4. My stigmata's acting up. 

5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous 
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? 

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have 
that deadline to meet. .. 

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant. 

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, 
hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I 
help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for 
calling. 

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. 

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't 
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false 
information. 

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me 
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. 

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. 

13. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must 
track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her 
eternal peace. One day should do it. 

14. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. 

15. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. 

16. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my 
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for 
helicopter transportation. 

17. I prefer to remain an enigma.