You've ever cut your grass and found a car. 

You own a home that's mobile and 5 cars that aren't. 

You think the stock market has a fence around it. 

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. 

Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years. 

You burn your yard rather than mow it. 

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. 

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of 
her language. 

Birds are attracted to your beard. 

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. 

You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born. 

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. 

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately. 

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". 

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. 

You've ever given rat traps as gifts. 

You clean your fingernails with a stick. 

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. 

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table. 

Every socket in your house breaks a fire code. 

You've totaled every car you've ever owned. 

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice. 

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door. 

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. 

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. 

You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape. 

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house. 

Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes. 

You pick your teeth from a catalog. 

You've ever financed a tattoo. 

You've ever stolen toilet paper. 

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. 

People hear your car a long time before they see it. 

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. 

You prefer car keys to Q-tips. 

You go to a stock car race and don't need a program. 

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. 

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. 

MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming. 

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off. 

Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick. 

You own a denim leisure suit. 

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 

Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody 
notices. 

Your family tree does not fork. 

You have a rag for a gas cap. 

You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. 

You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge 
clearance restrictions. 

You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work. 

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. 

All of your four letter words are two syllables. 

You've ever been too drunk to fish. 

You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women. 

Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you. 

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. 

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 

You can spit without opening your mouth. 

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. 

You call your boss "dude". 

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. 

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 

You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your 
appearance. 

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. 

You've ever cleaned fish in your living room. 

You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for 
toilet paper. 

You've been on T.V. more than five times describing what the tornado 
sounded like. 

Your dad walks you to school because he's in the same grade. 

People come to your door every day mistakenly thinking that you're having 
a yard sale. 

You've ever made change in the offering plate. 

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a 
flashlight. 

You've ever lugged a gallon of paint to the top of a water tower to 
defend your sister's honor. 

The primary color of your car is "bondo". 

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. 

If your biggest decision when going on vacation is to use paper or 
plastic. 

You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all 
time. 

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. 

You've ever used a Weed-eater indoors. 

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. 

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those 
Yosemite Sam mud-flaps. 

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. 

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. 

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. 

You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end". 

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car. 

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your 
jeans. 

You sit on your roof Christmas Eve with a shotgun hoping to fill your 
deer quota for the year. 

Your mother has ever gotten into a fight at a football game. 

You think that a Buglite and a six-pack make an evening of quality 
entertainment. 

You think that your sister is not your sister anymore just because you 
get a divorce. 

Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take 
the wheels off. 

Your cowboy hat is bigger than your shoes.