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The Faces of Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!
Part 1
Ah, what would Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! be without its wonderful cast of characters?
Well actually, I guess it would just be an empty ring. That stresses how important
these cartoon losers and halfwits are in making the game that we all hold so fondly.
Here is a listing of all those lovable losers that make up the Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!
experience.
I've already went over the diminutive stature of our favorite midget boxer, but there
seems to be more to his character than the obvious midget pride statement. Getting an
athlete like Mike Tyson to stick his name on your product probably cost a pretty penny,
and Nintendo may have been a bit strapped for cash. Perhaps Nintendo made a little
agreement Apple Computer, to help promote their new Macintosh line. Think about it...
the little underdog hammering the cocky and overconfident titans, deftly avoiding their
cumbersome blows while flooring them with superior skills. I would not be surprised
if King Hippo was originally King IBM, a bloated and seemingly invulnerable mammoth
that collapses on its own girth because of Mac's far superior thinking and speed.
And when you consider that they made Mac into a literal superman able to send people
three times his weight spiraling through the air with ease...
Christ, marketing people have wet dreams over publicity like that.
Doc Louis
"And playing the role of Little Mac... It's You!!!"
If you've ever bothered to sit through the introduction of the game, you'll notice that
ever-so-wacky statement. The game makes it sound like some tremendous privilege to be
Little Mac. But in reality, who else would you be? Imagine if instead of being Mac,
you were say... Doc. What the hell would you do the whole time? Select what
encouraging things to yell? Make absolutely damn sure that Mac joins the Nintendo Fun
Club? Get paid off by the KGB to throw the fight against Soda Popinski? Hell, I think
I can emulate the Doc experience by eating a package of HoHos while watching Tuesday
Night Fights in blackface thank you very much.
Glass Joe
Have you ever imagined what Robert Redford would look like if he was a scrawny
Frenchman? Me neither, but if he was a scrawny Frenchman then I bet he'd look a lot
like Glass Joe. Glass Joe has compiled a remarkable 1 and 99 record, which I believe
makes him the greatest boxer France has ever produced. If you ever actually get
defeated by Glass Joe, rumor has it that your NES will sprout an antenna and transmit
your humiliating defeat to NOA headquarters, who promptly revoke your Nintendo Power
subscription and send hitmen over to remove your thumbs so it never happens again.
Because I'm a good Samaritan, and I approve of the concept of opposable digits, I will
give you this golden tip. When he jumps back and taunts you like the dickhead that he
is, drive your fist into his gut when he's coming back. That'll shut him up real quick.
We follow the stereotypical Frenchman with the stereotypical German. The surprising
thing is, he's the next to shittiest boxer in the game. Why is this surprising?
Because when I think of German boxers I think of gigantic guys with biceps the same
circumference as my thighs who drive nails into brick walls using the palm of their
hands. What I do not think of is some scrawny wannabe with a dopey mustache and a pair
of combat boots. Are those supposed to be riding pants or a snappy pair of corduroys?
Screw you Von Kaiser, I've found more intimidating Germans on Hogan's Heroes.
"Banzai!!!!" says the crazy Japanese stereotype. What makes Piston Honda an even
crazier stereotype is that in the arcade game, Piston Honda was Piston Hurricane and
instead of a Japanese caricature he was a Cuban caricature. In Super Punch Out!! he's
back to being a Cuban again. Anyone care to explain? Actually, it really doesn't
matter, he still looks foolish either way. When he dances around the ring like Jerry
Lewis after a Big Gulp of Mountain Dew, all I could think of was how badly I'd like to
kick his ass. Fortunately, all Mac has to do is plant his little peanut sized fist
into Piston Honda's gut after his Yokohama Hop to end his day. One can of whup-ass
isn't enough for this junkie however. He comes back later in the game to try again.
How he manages to leap ahead of you in the rankings without winning any matches is a
mystery to me but whatever. The second time, less dancing, same result.
You know this guy is one sad excuse for a boxer the minute it becomes clear that he's
just Glass Joe with darker skin and a different face. You know he's even an even
sadder excuse when you actually fight him. He'll taunt you, you'll throw a blocked
punch, and then he'll try his "Flamenco Punch" which is the same kind of haymaker
preferred by fighting fifth graders since 1952. As long as you have thumbs and the
pieces of brain required to operate those thumbs he will miss miserably, and you can
spend the rest of the fight hammering his face while he stares into space like an idiot.
That's because he is an idiot. But one defeat is not enough to convince him to call it quits.
Damned close to the end of the trail, Don butts heads with Mac again. This time he's a
lot tougher and a lot more tedious. He's still and idiot though.
I don't think I really need to say anything about King Hippo, his name says it all.
Presumably he's a King. Presumably he's a Hippo. What's more to say? I'll tell you
what's more to say, when he winds up for one of those super punches and you pound his
fat face in, his trunks drop! His trunks freaking drop!!! You'd think a fat
ass of that magnitude would be incapable of finding trunks that are too big for him,
but apparently he found a way. And what's more is that he has his bellybutton taped
over for some reason. Perhaps people from Hippo Island don't lose their little
umbilical nubs until they get into their twenties. The saddest thing is that his
girth doesn't do as much as protect him from the punches of a 107 pound midget.
Despite all his shortcomings, he apparently won enough of a fan base to appear on the
Captain N cartoon that came along a few years later. Apparently, in those years his
hippo flesh changed color into a freakish blue, which I'm not even going to touch.
Being strapped for memory and realizing that they hadn't pallet-swapped the Von Kaiser
sprites yet, they decided to shove a turban on Kaiser's wussy head and make him into
an Indian stereotype. If only Great Tiger had ever realized the fact that the damn
jewel in the turban telegraphed all his punches I'd be talking about Great Tiger's
Punch-Out!! featuring Mike Tyson . That's right, he'd be the only fighter that
didn't telegraph all his punches, which would make him damn near unstoppable as far as
I'm concerned. Unfortunately, he was just like everyone else in that he was a complete
and total moron. Oh yeah, and he had that "Spinning Mirage" move, which was the
equivalent of five slow jabs except with a lot more spinning and a lot more dizziness.
You'd think he'd realize that any move that is easily blockable and makes him too dizzy
to stand would not be a good boxing maneuver, but I already said he was a complete and
total moron. THOSE WONDERFUL CHARACTERS
Little Mac
Von Kaiser
Piston Honda
Don Flamenco
King Hippo
Great Tiger
Copyright 2000 by Daniel Koch
for the Jaded Eye.