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The Faces of Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!
Part 2
THOSE WONDERFUL CHARACTERS
Ah, what would Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! be without its wonderful cast of characters?
Well actually, I guess it would just be an empty ring. That stresses how important
these cartoon losers and halfwits are in making the game that we all hold so fondly.
Here is a listing of all those lovable losers that make up the Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!
experience.
Some fighters fail because they have weak jab, some because they have a glass jaw, and
some because they just plain suck at boxing. Ball Bull failed because he has itchy
ears. ITCHY EARS??? Let me put it this way, before every hook he throws he
itches his ears, maybe because of extensive cauliflowering. You would think he'd
realize that this gave his whole plan away but then again I'm not inflicted with
chronic ear itchiness so I really shouldn't talk. That isn't what makes Bald Bull
interesting anyway. What makes Bald Bull so much fun is his Bull Charge, which is the
ultimate all or nothing shot. The psycho vaults to the top of the ring, and promptly
charges down to dismember the hapless Little Mac. That is, of course, if you don't
get the timing right and punch him in his beer gut as he's coming down, in which case
he staggers back from the "awesome" blow like a drunk after his third happy hour.
After kicking his ass the first time, he hits the weight room to try again. The second
time around, you need to uppercut him to put out his lights. This would be a lot
tougher if he didn't constantly give you chances to pick up those magical little stars
that powers Little Mac's uppercut of holiness. How does he give you these chances? He
slowly scratches his ears. Maybe it's a Turkish thing?
Soda Popinski? Shyeah right, that's just the G-Rated moniker of a certain arcade
fighter named Vodka Drunkenski. Nintendo just trying to protect the kiddies?
Considering that all he does between rounds is yell at you about how drunk he is, I
don't really see what Nintendo was trying to accomplish. Frankly, I think he'd be a
lot better off if he actually downed some Mountain Dew instead of the sauce. Pump a
few pints of the Dew into anyone and you've got world boxing champion right there.
Soda Popinski would be lucky to be the best boxer in his Soviet approved condo let
alone all of freaking Russia. He telegraphs all of his punches about 40 seconds ahead
of time, and the one punch he doesn't telegraph, that damned straight right jab of his,
he uses about .6 times a fight. Not to mention that, all that drinking has turned him
a lovely shade of pink. Here's a hint Drunkenski, drop the little soda pop kiddie act
and see a damn dermatologist you fricking Commie. And take that damn stupid laugh of
yours with you.
The only treats this Mr. Sandman is likely to give you are some uppercuts to the face
and some really nasty puns between the rounds. Puns notwithstanding, Mr. Sandman is by
far the funniest fighter you'll encounter on the entire circuit. It's the facial
expressions, dummy! That criminally goofy grin he adorns when he tries to jab at you
is probably the silliest damn face I've ever seen, videogame or not. And what about
that hilarious look he gets when you punch him in the face. Perhaps that is the most
difficult part of fighting Mr. Sandman, those hilarious faces are the most wickedly
distracting things ever brought into the ring. Oh yeah, he also has that three
uppercut combo that'll send you into dreamland pretty quickly. Wait a sec... damn it,
dreamland??? Now I'm making those damned shitty puns too! Curse you Mr. Sandman!!!
I wonder if anyone ever told Super Macho Man or his manager that being "Super Macho" is
not exactly that brilliant of a complement. Macho Super Man, now there is one hell of
a name, lawsuit from DC notwithstanding. Being from Hollywood and everything, you'd
expect this guy to be so tanned that if he were to ever enter the same room as George
Hamilton, a massive anti-tan explosion would occur throwing the globe into
indeterminate limbo. But he isn't. In fact, he's about as lily white as I would be
if I ever entered a goth club and spent the next seven years reading shitty poetry
while locked in a cave. Screw George Hamilton, this guy barely stacks up to fricking
Carrot Top. As for his fighting, he's just like Soda Popinski except running at triple
speed and with a nasty spin move to boot. George Hamilton could still kick his ass.
"Iron" Mike Tyson
At the end of your long journey up the ranks of these comedic misfits, Mac finally
reaches hit ultimate goal, the championship fight with Mike Tyson. Tyson was "Kid
Dynamite" back then, and not just because he had a propensity of blowing up and
performing random acts of destruction outside the ring. The sad thing is, this Mike
Tyson is just the Piston Honda sprite with black skin and Mike Tyson's face. So that's
what the Japanese had planned all along! They used this insidious pallet swapping
scheme to show that Tyson is only a champion because he is imbued with the tremendous
Japanese fighting spirit. Fortunately, no one gave a rats ass and America didn't
disintegrate into a real-life recreation of the movie "1941." Thank God. Unlike
Piston Honda and his magical happy dancing feet, however, Tyson doesn't f*ck around.
Get hit in the first 1:30 of the fight and its lights out for Little Mac. Fortunately,
after this period, Tyson loses his ability to fight in any competent way whatsoever,
just like in real life. Beat him and you earn his eternal honor and respect, not to
mention a snappy pun about having the "fastest fingers he's ever seen." Oh Nintendo,
will the hilarity never end?
<<< PART 1
Bald Bull
Soda Popinski
Mr. Sandman
Super Macho Man
And finally...
Actually, it just did. Once you beat Tyson, that's the end of the cavalcade of
characters that Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! worth the extra exclamation point the title.
Hopefully, the hours you've wasted reading my random prating about the nutty boxers
from a nearly fifteen year old boxing have taught you a thing or two about life.
Copyright 2000 by Daniel Koch
for the Jaded Eye.