JOKES
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| Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off. |
| You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment |
| You honestly believe women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. |
| Your family tree does not fork. |
| The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights |
| Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. |
| You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. |
| You had a toothpick in your mouth when you had your wedding picture taken. |
| Your house doesn't have any curtains- but your truck does. |
| Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. |
| You consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it. |
| You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle. |
| You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car. |
| Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card. |
| Your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the same grade. |
| You view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet a woman. |
| You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds. |
| You know you're a red neck if you're caught lying through your tooth! |
| Your idea of a bubble bath is eating beans an hour before you get in your tub. |
| When some one mentions "crack" you check if your zipper is closed. |
A salesman was travelling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman: "Need a lift?" "Yes, I do", replied the salesman. "You a Democrat or Republican?", asked the old man. "A Republican", replied the salesman. "Get screwed!", yelled the old man as he sped off.
The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer: "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off.
The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!", shouted the salesman. "Hop in!", replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?", she asks. "I can't take it!", he replies. "I've only been a democrat for five minutes and already I want to fuck somebody!"
Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
Republicans consume three fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.
Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.
Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate. Republicans wear theirs.
Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.
Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.
Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful. Neither are Republicans.
Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows. Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.
Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.
Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats.