Funny Stuff
YO MOMMA...
Your momma is so fat, forget that, your momma's family is so fat, I threw a baseball threw your window and hit all of her family.
Yo momma so fat when god said let there be light god told yo mamma to move her fat ASS!
Yo momma so fat when she wears red she looks like the Kool-Aid Man.
Yo momma so fat when she sits around, she sits around.
Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcom X T-Shirt hellicopters try landing on her.
Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!
Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.
Yo momma so fat were in her right now.
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise.
Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
Yo mamma so fat you have to roll over twice to get off her.
Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Portugal claimed her for the new world
Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yo momma so fat when she back up she beeps.
Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her
Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.
Yo momma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!!
Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...
Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get to her good side!
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.
Yo momma so stupid that she brought a cup to the movie juice.
Yo momma so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo momma so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.
Yo momma so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
Yo momma so stupid She went to disneyworld and saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so she went home.
Yo momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "guess" so she said levi's
Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yo mamma so stupid she ran into a parked car.
Yo mamma so stupid she sold her car to buy brand new tires.
Yo momma is so stupid she thinks she is smart.
Your momma so fat and stupid her waist is bigger than her I.Q.
Yo momma so ugly her parents had to tie a porkchop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.
Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"
Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Yo mamma so ugly she could make an onion cry.
Yo momma is so ugly that when she looks in to the mirror she says what an ugly person.
Yo mamma so ugly when she was born the doctor just slapped her parents.
Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
Yo momma so old she has Jesus' beeper number!
Yo momma so old her social security number is 1!
Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch.
Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks!
Yo momma so old she's in Jesus's yearbook!
Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
Yo momma so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade.
Yo momma so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!
Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!!!
Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
Yo momma so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
Yo momma so poor she drives a peanut.
Yo momma so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
Yo momma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money
Yo momma so poor you go out for sunday pushes of the skateboard
Yo momma's underwear is so full of holes that when she farts they whistle.
Yo mamma has so much dandruff, the lice have to wear snow boots.
Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was when she was looking down at the scale.
Your mamma is so stupid that she looked in a box of Cherios and said, "look, doughnut seeds."
Yo mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks at a map, she can see people waving at her.
Yo mamma is so stupid she thought menopause was a button on the VCR.
Yo momma pits are so hairy it looks like she has Don King in an head lock.
The Buffalo Listener
In the Old West, a family is crossing the plains in their covered wagon when they see an Indian with his head against the ground.
The father watches as the Indian remains motionless for quite some time and finally asks what the Indian is up to...
Indian replies "Buffalo come!"
"How can you tell?"
"Ear stuck to ground!"
POOH GOES APESHIT
By A.A. Milne
Everything was rather quiet in the hundred-acre wood. The trees whispered to each other as the wind rustled their leaves. Under a large oak tree, there lived Pooh bear. From inside Pooh's house, their came a steady bang...bang... bang, that was making his honey jars rattle on the sideboard. The light came through the window, and in the evening sun Pooh raised the axe once more and brought it down on the tattered remains of Christopher Robin. "Why...won't... he...fit..." puffed Pooh to himself as the axe came down once more. There was a small pile of earth, and a hole next to it, which Pooh had hidden with his favourite rug. Christopher Robin, selfish prat that he was, didn't quite fit in the hole Pooh had dug, so instead of making it wider he had decided to hack Christopher Robin's legs off. "A far more sensible idea", thought Pooh, and hummed a little song to himself as he cut the last tendon and rammed the rest of the body in the hole, finally covering it up with the rug. "Always too bossy", thought Pooh, "Always too bossy, always grabbing me by the paw and saying 'Come on Pooh lets have an adventure' or 'Pooh you are silly!' in that affected cutesy spoilt brat voice, and his stupid little shorts - bastard!"
Pooh had waited all afternoon for Christopher Robin to come round, humming a little tuneless song to himself whilst gazing blankly into the fire and fondling the oaken handle of the axe. When C.R. had finally turned up, squeaking in his child-actor voice "Come on Pooh! Open Up!", Pooh had answered the door normal as anything, talked about the weather, and then went to the cupboard and fetched the axe. While C.R. had sat there, prattling on about what a silly bear Pooh was and how he had very little brain (which wound Pooh up no end) Pooh had raised the axe high and brought it down with a satisfying thud on Christopher Robin's skull, cleaving it virtually in two, with just some muscle fibre in place to keep the pieces upright, and freezing C.R's eyes wide in horror that Pooh, lovable Pooh, could do such a thing! Pooh giggled a little and wiped some saliva from his mouth with a shaky paw. Then Pooh, calm as anything, had mopped up the blood, washed the axe and begun to dig the hole.
Piglet had wondered why Pooh had not called for him that morning, to have his tea and biscuits, and so he decided to visit Pooh instead. He admired the evening sun, blood red, and listened to the birds singing. Pooh watched him get nearer and nearer, and plugged in the drill.
Piglet had no time to realise what had happened - the drill pierced his skull, sending a beautiful fountain of blood all over Pooh's orange hide. He rubbed the blood in and all over himself, licking, licking, always licking. Then he pulled Piglet inside and put him in the cupboard. The syringe lay on the sideboard, and Pooh picked it up, paws shaking and sweating, and filled it full of solution of the funny white powder that had been given to him by a strangely spaced-out Rabbit. It was a strange effect at first, and Pooh thought he had seen many strange things, but then experienced an euphoric feeling of power. It made him irritable, and C.R. and Piglet had everything that was coming to them, no doubt at all. When night had fully fallen, Pooh dragged the bodies out and buried them in a makeshift grave.
"Adios, dear 'friends'", Pooh giggled, "Things are going to change around the 100-acre wood now I'm in charge" he laughed hysterically and went indoors.
The next day Tigger and Roo made their way happily to Pooh's house, to see if he knew where C.R. and Piglet were, as no one had seen them since yesterday. They were sure Pooh would know, as he had had tea with Piglet yesterday and was meant to be playing Pooh-sticks with C.R. in the morning.
When they reached Pooh's house the door was wide open and Pooh was nowhere to be seen. Tigger and Roo looked inside Pooh's house and noticed a large hole in Pooh's floor and a notice was stuck on the wall with a large blob of congealing honey "OWT CHAGIG THE DRAGGN" (spelling had never been one of Pooh's strong points). "That's odd", though Tigger, "there are no dragons in the 100-acre wood only heffalumps. What _is_ that silly bear up to now?"
Not even Tigger would have imagined what Pooh was up to at that moment. That morning Pooh had woken with a splitting headache and a rather snotty nose. So he had taken a large dose of the white powder and a little while later had a brilliant idea! He left the house with a container marked INSECTICIDE in big red letters. He took the container and went to Eeyor's favourite patch of thistles. "This will serve that manic depressive donkey right" laughed Pooh aloud, "always cheating at Pooh-sticks, cheats never prosper", Pooh said to himself. Then he hid behind a tree to watch the unsuspecting Eeyor eat himself to death - sheer poetic justice thought Pooh as he dumped the nearly dead body of Eeyor in the same grave as C.R. and Piglet - "Shouldn't cheat should you?", shouted Pooh as Eeyor's eyes stared with disbelief - "You're lucky I didn't chop you up into little bits and feed you to Tigger!", laughed Pooh maniacally, before he covered the makeshift grave over.
Pooh didn't return to the house until dinnertime, as he was totally spaced out all morning. So when he returned to his house he was in an awful mood and all he needed to make him absolutely mad was the sight of Tigger and Roo bouncing up and down outside his house singing "bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, the wonderful....". "'Wonderful'?", thought Pooh aloud, "My foot, you'd think the writer of this shitty story could think up better lyrics for a song than that, and to think, they released the soundtrack album on cassette and CD; a lot of people are going to get ripped off." This lightened Pooh's mood somewhat, but the respite was brief.
"What was that you said?", asked Roo. "God does he never stop asking pathetic questions?", Pooh thought furiously, "I'm going to have to deal with these prats as well. Is there no-one in this place with intelligence apart from me?" Pooh asked despairingly."
Pooh felt himself extremely lucky as Roo had to go home for his afternoon sleep and that left Tigger at his mercy. Even better, Tigger suggested that himself and Pooh go and play Pooh-sticks; Pooh had smiled slyly as an idea formed in his overactive brain, and agreed - "What an opportunity", Pooh whispered to himself as he followed the innocent Tigger to the bridge.
Once on the bridge, and the rather pointless game of Pooh-sticks was under way, Pooh thought he'd much rather push his stick up Tigger's arse, rather than throwing it into the stream. Tigger was leaning over the side of the bridge looking for his stick. So he did not see Pooh's wide horrific grin as he outstretched his arms and moved toward Tigger with the intent of pushing the stupid cat into the stream - "Cats hate water, tee hee, he'll drown."
There was a loud splash as Tigger hit the water and started to struggle as his head was covered by water, he gulped and choked. Pooh was holding on to the rail of the bridge and jumping up and down with excitement and was joyously shouting at the drowning Tigger.
"Why?", spluttered Tigger as he slowly started to turn blue with the cold, which Pooh found hysterical, after all a blue Tigger?? How absolutely silly. "I'll tell you why you bastard", screamed Pooh, "It serves you right, hiding behind doors and jumping out, and scaring the shit out of people." But Tigger did not hear Pooh's answer as he was already floating downstream face down in the water, dead - "Good riddance", laughed Pooh, and looked at his watch, "Still time to get that little dick head Roo before he wakes up."
Pooh sneaked to the sleeping form of Roo's mum and saw Roo's ear poking out of her pouch - "Now I've got you, you little git", Pooh thought, smiling, as he threaded a needle with extra strong cotton. He was jolly grateful for Piglet's sewing lessons now, because he would be able to sew up Roo nice and tightly, so he would not be able to get out and his mum would not be able to rescue him. So very slowly and carefully Pooh began to sew Roo into his pouch and thereby suffocating the annoying idiotic twit. After the deed was done Pooh made his way back to his house wondering how Roo's mum would take the death of Roo. Badly, hoped Pooh, as he began to cough uncontrollably and felt general nausea overcome him.
By the time Pooh got home he had puked up several times and was very desperate for some more of the white solution. He trembled as he picked up the syringe and gave himself the remaining amount. An awfully large amount, one might say, for a small little bear like Pooh. In fact too much, Pooh died of an overdose, but he died with a smile on his face: he was dreaming that he was the only teddy bear made with a willy and dreamed how he surprised Eeyor one day - but that's a story for another day.
THE END
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum
. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a Chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're over-sexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears likea sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly and humbly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "I'm REALLY SORRY about the trouble I gave you. I promise you that I'll NEVER cuss again. By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Bill Clinton found a dusty old bottle behind a chest in an abandoned room of the White House. No one was around so he opened the bottle, and a Genie came out. I"ve been in this bottle for ages" said the Genie. "I'm so grateful that you let me out, I'll give you ONE free wish... anything you want."
"Well, we're not importing enough from China" said Clinton. "And I'd like to go to China, but Air Force One is busy and I don't have enough time to go by boat. Could you build me a road to China?"
"Think of all that work!" said the Genie. "Think of all that concrete!... and the distance! And the environment... think how terrible that would be for the environment! I don't think I can do that. Can you think of another wish?"
Clinton thought about it and said, "Okay then. Can you give some good moral values and make me a decent person?"
"How many lanes do you want on your road?" asked the genie. "Two or four?"
There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"
He says "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"
"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"
"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"
"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"
"You know I don't have a date, Sis."
"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?"
Her brother nods. She continues, "So we should go with each other."
The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he will take her to the prom. Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday. At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's "standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again "Hey, brother, let's dance."
He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"
"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?"
"Oh . . . all right."
So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time. In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, "Let's not go straight home."
He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"
"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."
He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says "Want to find some place to park?" "Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!"
"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us-- how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?" So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.
"Hey . . . " she says.
"What?"
"Why don't you kiss me?"
"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.
She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."
"Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind.
"You know what," his sister replied.
"I can't do that with you, you're my . . . " His voice trailed off.
While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."
"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me.
Real 'Funny Headlines':
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
Grammar often botches other headlines:
Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide--one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from
the one intended:
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious
If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Child's death ruins couple's holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
Read this without it bringing tears to your eyes..
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"OK, OK" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".