The Magician & the Parrot
A magician was working in the lounge on a cruise ship, and every night, the captain of the ship would come in with his pet parrot and watch the act. The parrot seemed particularly fascinated by the magician's tricks and started watching them very closely.
One night the magician took the stage and announced, "Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I will saw this lovely woman in half right before your eyes!"
"*Craaawk!*", said the parrot, "It's a fake! *whistle* he's got fake legs coming out the other side of the box!" The crowd roared, and the magician was less than amused.
"OK then, I will do a different trick", announced the magician, "Pick a card, madam, and I will tell you which card you have chosen."
"*Craaawk*! They're all the same cards!" answered the parrot!
This heckling continued for several weeks, and was completely ruining the magician's act, and needless to say, the magician grew to hate this bird, but he couldn't harm it, since it was the captain's pet.
One night after a particularly bad show, the magician was walking on the upper deck of the ship when a huge explosion ripped through the bottom decks of the ship. The magician jumped into a lifeboat and dropped to safety. As he watched the ship sink, the captain's parrot flew out from the ship and landed in his lifeboat.
Several days passed without a word between the magician and the parrot, the magician just glared at the bird, and the bird just kept looking in the direction of the sunken ship. Finally, the parrot broke down...
"*Craaawk!* OK, Mate! What did you do with the ship!!??"
The Alligator & the Stick
A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator and orders a beer. The barman says "Get that thing out of here! I don't need any deadly animals in my bar!"
The man says "Hey, this 'gator is as tame as they come! Watch, I'll show you..."
The owner then procedes to whip out his dick and place it in the 'gator's mouth amongst the massive rows of teeth. To prove his point further, he takes a stick and begins hammering the 'gator over the head with it.
The owner removes his cock from the 'gator's mouth without a scratch on it and says "See, this gator wouldn't hurt a fly! Anyone else here care care to try?"
An old woman at the back of the bar says "Sure, I'll try it, but only if you promise not hit hit me other the head with that stick."
The Cow and the Monkey
A farmer owns this cow who keeps crapping all over his paddocks. It starts to get so bad that he has to move all the other animals to other areas because the fields are full of shit. Months go by and he has no space left so totally frantic he goes to the corner shop and orders an ACME industrial strength plug. On arrival he plugs the cow's arse, smiling that his troubles are over.
Further months go by and the cow starts to get bigger and bigger. In fact, it is so large it takes up eight paddocks. The farmer scratches his head and wonders what to do. Fortunately a travelling circus spots the cow and makes the farmer an offer so they can display it to the world in the freak show.
After further month's of huge success the cow is one class act, and has become bloody enormous. Anyway in the circus is a troop of monkeys that pull corks from bottles and make music.
The monkeys have been obsessed with the cow since it arrived and one day decide to give the unplugging task a go. With all their might the monkeys heave ho on the plug and it starts to budge. Finally the last monkey - the troop leader, takes an almighty grip and yanks..
WOOSH..... all the shit floods out! The only man not in ithe fallout zone is a climber at the top of the nearest hillside and he's knee deep and laughing his head off. The ring master of the circus, floats to the top of the shit heap and sees the climber and shouts "What are you laughing for?".
The climber replies "You should have seen the monkey trying to put the cork back in".
The Visiting Panda
A guy comes home from the pub one night and arrives home to find a small panda sitting on his doorstep looking at him forlornly.
"Ah, poor little fella, come on in." says the guy.
The panda follows him in and as soon as the door is closed it rushes to the fridge, opens it and starts guzzling all the food. In about five seconds flat it has cleaned the firdge out.
It runs to the sofa and begins masturbating furiously. The guy watches in disgust as the panda pops its fat all over his sofa, opens a window, jumps out and runs off down the street.
The guy starts wondering about this strange behavior and looks up 'panda' in his encyclopedia. The definition is 'Small bear-like creature which eats shoots and leaves'.
The Foul-mouthed Parrot (1)
A pirate walks into the pet store and asks the owner to show him a parrot. The owner directs his attention to a rather large parrot in the back of the room. The pirate walks over to the parrot and says "Say 'Polly want a cracker'".
"Fuck you one-eye."
The pirate, somewhat daunted, again asks the parrot to say 'Polly want a cracker'.
"Fuck you one-eye."
The pirate, angered now, says "Say that again, and I'll cut out your tongue!"
"Fuck you one-eye."
The pirate grabs the parrot and cuts his tongue out with his knife.
"Now what do you have to say for yourself?"
The parrot covers his eye with his left wing and flips him off with the right.
The Foul-mouthed Parrot (2)
A lady summoned a priest to her house. Her problem was her parrot. He had begun to speak with such foul language that she couldn't take it any more.
She said "All he does is swear, Father! It's horrible."
Then the parrot started to scream, "Fuck you! Fuck you!"
The priest replied "Look, there is nothing that God cannot help us with. In fact, I have two female parrots in my parish and they spend the whole day praying. We will take your parrot there with them, and soon he will learn to pray too."
They took the lady's parrot to meet the two female parrots. The moment the lady's parrot saw the two females, he started to shout "Fuck you! Fuck you!"
The two female parrots looked up to the heavens and said out loud, "Our prayers have been answered!"
The Dogs at the Vets
Two dogs were waiting with their owners at the vets. One dog said to the other, "What are you here for?"
The other replied, "Well, I live with a large family and the kids were playing a little too rough with me so I bit one of them. Now they want to get me castrated."
"Thats awful!"
"Yeah, tell me about it. What are you in for?"
"I live with a single woman and she was out working in her garden bent over in a really short skirt and I mounted her on the spot."
"So you're here to get castrated too?"
"No, she just wants my nails clipped."
The Shipwrecked Sheep
This guy is shipwrecked on a desert island and is feeling really depressed. The island has fruit and everything he can eat, but he is dying for a shag and so one day he goes looking for something to shag. About an hour later, he stumbles across a clearing he has never seen before and sitting there is a sheep and a dog.
"Well," he thinks, "it's my lucky day!" and he takes the two of them back round to his cave. Later that day he thinks "About time for a shag". He decides to take the sheep as he thinks it'll be more docile than the dog. Just as he gets up behind the sheep, the dog runs over and starts attacking him. He backs off and the dog calms down. Later on he tries again but the dog does exactly the same thing.
This goes on for about two months and it gets to the stage that he is absolutely desperate. Later on that day, he sees something floating on the water towards him. He swims out to find an amazingly beautiful woman on a raft who has survived a sinking ship. He manages to get hold of the raft and take it back to his island.
When he gets there the woman says, "You saved my life. I am indebted to you forever. Anything you want me to do, you just name it."
It's then that he remembers his rather full sack and so he says to her "Well, there is one thing..."
"Tell what it is, I'll do anything for you."
"Can you just hold this fucking dog back for two minutes?"
The Pigeon and the Statues
These two statues of lovers stood in the park for decades, so one day the Goddess of Love comes to earth and puts life into the two saying "You've been model examples over the years, now you can have 30 minutes of life - do whatever you wish".
So the two run off behind the bushes from which there's a lot of giggling and laughing, after about 15 minutes the two emerge from the bushes.
The Goddess reminds them that they've still got 15 minutes of life left. So the two look at each other, and the man says "Ok, now you hold the pigeon down while I shit on its head!"
The Journalist and the Sheep
In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cowboy, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?" "Ya mean women?" asked the cowboy. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks fuck sheep."
"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degredation."
However, after a few months, the correspondent's balls were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.
Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.
"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"
One cowboy spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"
The Sex-mad Cockrel
There is a really young, strong healthy cockrel. This cockrel is out shagging the chickens 3 or 4 times a day. When they get tired out, he goes after the ducks down at the pond, the sheep and the farm cats. In fact he will shag anything that moves. It seems he just can't get enough.
Then, one morning, the farmer walks out to his yard to see the poor cockrel sprawled out in the mud. "Hmmm, I wonder what happened to this poor bird", giving him a bit of a nudge with his boot.
Just then he sees the cockrel's eyes open slightly, and it points up with one wing saying "shhhhh, vultures..."
The Visiting Zebra
A zebra was visiting a farm. "Hi," she said to the rooster. "What do you do here?"
"I make sure everyone gets up on time for a nice early start on the day," he replied.
"How about you?" she asked a cow. "I supply the farmer and his family with fresh milk, so they can make butter and cheese," the cow said.
"And what's your job on the farm?" the zebra asked a stallion. "Get out of those fancy striped pajamas," he answered, "and I'll show you."
A Very Peculiar Practice
Two farmers were talking about their sheep. The first farmer says "I'm not having any luck getting these sheep to breed."
The second farmer replies "You have to do it yourself if you want any results."
"What do you mean?" the first farmer asks curiously.
"It's simple. Load them up in your lorry, take them around behind the barn, and do the business. Wait about three days, and you should see them start to act peculiarly."
So the first farmer thinks about this, then decides he's going to do it. The next day, he loads the sheep up in the lorry, drives them out behind the barn and proceeds to screw each one in succession.
Three days pass and he's sitting in the kitchen with his wife.
"Look out of the window and tell me if those sheep are acting peculiarly." says the farmer to his wife.
"Nothing unusual" the wife responds.
Upset, the farmer loads them up in the lorry the next day, drives them out behind the barn, and goes to town on them again. Three more dayspass.
"Those sheep doing anything funny?" says the farmer to his wife, sitting in the kitchen.
"Nope." she responds.
Pissed off, the farmer decides to give it one more try. The very next day he loads them up in the lorry, drives them out behind the barn, and really screws their brains out. Three days pass, and once again he's sitting in the kitchen with his wife.
"Those sheep doing anything peculiar?" he asks, hopefully.
"As a matter of fact, yes.", replies the wife. "They're all sitting in the lorry, and one of them is honking the horn."
St Peter's Day Off
St Peter gets fed up with standing at the pearly gates and giving or denying access to Heaven. Jesus offers to take over. A man comes up to him.
"I'm looking for my son." he says
"And who are you" says Jesus "I'm his Father; well not really." says the man
"What do you do?" asks Jesus "I'm a carpenter; well not really" says the man
"And does your son have holes in his hands and feet?" asks Jesus excitedly.
"He does!" shouts the man
"DADDY!" shouts Jesus
"PINNOCHIO!" shouts Geppetto.
The Poor Man & The Pope
A deeply religous and very poor man heard the Pope was coming to his city. The man decided to sell all his belongings and buy a beautiful suit and take a bus to the city.
The man stands by the side of the road on the first day of a parade and sees the Pope in his Pope-mobile. Much to his delight the Pope stops his Pope-mobile and gets out.
The Pope walks directly towards him and the man is overjoyed...but then the Pope walks past and whispers into a tramps's ear and walks away.
The man talks to the tramp and offers his beautiful suit and the little money in his pockets to him for the tramp's smelly clothes. The tramp agrees.
The next day the man, wearing the tramp's clothes, sits in exactly the same spot as the tramp did. The Pope-mobile comes down the street and sure enough it stops and the Pope gets out.
The Pope walks directly over to the man and bends over to whisper in his ear and says,
"Didn't I tell you yesterday to get the FUCK out of here."
The Pope & The Tourist
The Pope was jacking off behind a statue in The Vatican garden when he heard a "click." Looking to his side the pope noticed a Japanese tourist, camera in hand, smiling at him.
The blushing Pope forced a smile and walked over to the Japanese tourist, saying "How'd you like to sell me that camera? I'll give you a thousand dollars for it."
The Japanese tourist responded, giving the Pope his camera, pocketing the thousand dollars and walking away. A moment later a monsignor walked up to the Pope and noticed the camera in his hand.
"Nice camera," commented the monsignor," how much did it cost you?"
"I bought it from a Japanese tourist for a thousand dollars," answered the pope.
"Huh," snorted the monsignor, "he must have seen you coming!"
The Unlucky Entrants
There are three guys who have died. They are outside the gates of Heaven. Unfortunately, lots of people had been dying recently, and they can't let everyone in. St Peter decides that whichever of the three had suffered the worst and most tragic death would get in.
The first guy starts, "I came home from work, to my flat, and I couldn't find my wife. I then heard her in the shower. I'd been suspecting that she was having an affair, and I was sure he was still in the flat. So I went looking for him but couldn't find him anywhere. Finally I went out onto the balcony and I saw a man hanging over the edge for dear life. So I stamped on his fingers. That didn't work so I tried prying them off. That didn't work so I went back into the flate and came out with a knife. Finally he fell but he landed in a bush in the garden and was still moving. So I went back into the flat and come back out with my refrigerator which I dropped on him killing him instantly. I went back into the flat, and started feeling guilty. So I took my gun and shot myself."
The second guys says, "Imagine this. You are washing windows at a local block of flats when you slip and fall. You think you are doomed, but then you catch yourself on a balcony. This happened to me. However, this guy came out of his flat, and instead of helping me, he tried to make me fall. Finally he cut my fingers off and I fell. I landed in a bush just in time to realise that the man was dropping a refrigerator on me. Then I died."
"OK." says the third man, "Imagine this. You are having an affair with a guy's wife. The guy comes home...you hide in the refrigerator..."
The Catholic's Career
Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeated.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said, "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"
The Ambidextrous Golfer
When three middle managers, all from the same company, lost their golfing fourth, they decided to invite his replacement. However, to their concern, his replacement was a woman. However, they didn't want to abandon their Sunday sessions so they approached her. Surprisingly, she did play golf and said she would join them at either 6:30 or 6:45 on Sunday morning.
She arrived at 6:30 on Sunday, and impressed the three with a 67 round. In the bar afterwards, they invited her to join them at the same time next week, and she replied, "Great, I'll arrive at 6:30 or 6:45."
Next Sunday, she arrived at 6:30, and this time she played left-handed and shot a 66! In the bar afterwards, her friends were very impressed, especially by her ability to play either left- or right-handed. They asked her how she decided which clubs to bring.
"Well", she said, "I have a system that never fails. When I wake up on Sunday morning, I look over at my husband in bed and if his dick is lying to the left, I bring my left-handed clubs, and if it is lying on the right then I bring my right handed clubs."
"What do you if it's in the middle?" they asked.
"In that case, I arrive at 6:45!"