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> ~~~ You're Hooked! ~~~ > > > You know you're addicted to the internet when... > > Surfin' > * Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll top to bottom. > * Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. > * You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. > * When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice > all of them are already highlighted in purple. > * Your dog has its own home page. > * You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're > halfway through Lycos. > * You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you > think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack > for "surfing the net". > * You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search > engines useless. > > Staying Connected! > * You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity or > phone lines. > * You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a > cellular modem and a laptop. > * All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster > connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. > * When you turn off your modem, you get this awful empty feeling, > like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. > * You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem. > * You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net > and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore. > * You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems. > * Actually, you secretly distain them. > * Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS > on your favorite IRC channel. > * You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is > allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited." > * You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your > ISP... because you never log off. > * Your friends no longer send you e-mail; they just log on to > your IRC channel. > * Your modem isn't working, and after a few minutes you begin to > sweat, your hands start to tremble... > * You pick up the phone and hum modem signals to communicate > with your ISP > * You succeed. > > Walk the Walk > * You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using > a word processor.com > * Even your night dreams are in HTML. > * Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you > see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though > you've never had heart problems before. > * You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can > hear if new e-mail arrives. > * You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check > it again. There were 84 new ones ...last hour. > * Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. > * You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. > * You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. > * As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, > your 1st instinct is: search for the "back" button. > * You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom--and check your > e-mail on the way back to bed. > * You tell people you live at http://123.elm.street/bluetrim.html > * You actually tred that 123.elm.street address. > * You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape > 1.1 or higher." > * You buy a Captain Kirk chair with built-in keyboard & mouse. > * When channel surfing the informercials, you grab a remote control > and double-click. > > ...and Talk the Talk > * You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading." > * You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net > dot au." > * You refer to your age as 3.x. > * You start tilting your head sideways to smile. > > Serious Warning Signs! > * You kiss your girlfriend's home page. > * You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap... > and your child in the overhead compartment. > * You step out of your room and realize that your parents have > moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. > * You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no > idea where your children are. > * Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you > of what she looks like. > * Your son tells you he's had the beard for 2 months. > * You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest > games from Apogee. > * Your wife or husband says communication is important in a > marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second > phone line so the two of you can chat. > * You forget what year it is. > * You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain. > * You move into a new house & decide to Netscape before you > landscape. > * You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "You've > got work to do" and you don't even have a job. > * You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair > in front of your computer with a toilet. > * Your spouse's new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." > * You don't know what gender over three of your closest friends > are because they have neutral nicknames. > * You email this message to your friends on the net. You think > about printing it out to show it to your others and... what > others?!? > - Compiled from various sources by Bert Pasquale > (Send in your ideas and I'll add them in!)And perhaps just one more;
~ The "Dark Side" of Email Groups ~~~ > > > Ernie won't have to worry about this, but many of you have partici- > pated in "open forum" email lists or newsgroups, and will all-too-sadly > recognize the truth here: > > > Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change > a light bulb? > > A: 1,392: > > 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the > light bulb has been changed... > > 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how > the light bulb could have been changed differently, > 4 to complain that they were happy with the old one, > 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs, > 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing > light bulbs, > 53 to flame the spell checkers, > 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light > bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list, > 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames, > 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please > take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb, > 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and > alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped, > 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light > bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list, > 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where > to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best > for this technique, and what brands are faulty, > 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs, > 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post > corrected URLs, > 12 to flame the AOL users for violating netiqutte and blame them for > starting this whole thing, > 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that "are relevant > to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list," > 45 posts about weather or not AOL should even be allowed to exist, > 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all > headers and footers, and then add "Me Too," > 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they > cannot handle the light bulb controversey, > 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three," > 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ, > 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup, > 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, > leave it here, and > 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb. > > ~~~~~ Sent by Laugh-A-Lot! - The daily clean-jokes-only list! ~~~~~ > * To join the list, send the message "subscribe" (w/o quotes) to > [email protected] - Start your day off with a laugh! > * Compilations (c) 1997 - Permission granted to forward, or post on > other lists or sites; but this notice ~must~ be intact with jokes > ~~~~~~~~~ Archives at: http://GraceWeb.org/Laugh-A-Lot!/ ~~~~~~~~~~ > ~
UpDate 10/26/97