Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, and they'll call you crazy.
Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul

Know yourself? If I knew myself, I would run away.
J.W. Goethe

I want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
Ashley Brilliant

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I�m a vegetarian because I hate plants
Whitney Brown

A day without sunshine is like, night.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

Only dead fish swim with the stream.

Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.

Order is for idiots, genius can handle chaos.

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
- Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
- Advising the President.
- Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
David Letterman

When a banker jumps out of a window, jump after him - that's where the money is.
Robespierre

Always remember: Pillage before you burn.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.

Evil spelled backward is live.

Life is too important to take seriously.
Corky Siegel

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

The quickest way to a man's heart is not through the stomach but through his chest, with an axe.

Keep Sweden tidy, shoot a tourist.

A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
Steel City News

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.
Lynda Montgomery

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.

You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps.

Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this guy -- but we killed him.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes ? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
Rita Rudner

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

All extremists should be taken out and shot.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

For those who think life's a joke - just think of the punchline!

When you die you go to heaven. Until then welcome to hell!
popular welcoming words in the Swedish army

To boldly phone where no one has phoned before.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

My paranoia is the natural result of my megalomania. When your destiny is as great as mine, someone's bound to be out to get you...

Excuse me, I have to recharge my flamethrower.

The question is not if you are paranoid, it is if you are paranoid enough.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.

The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead.
Samuel Goldwyn on Louis B. Mayer's funeral

Today is the last day of your life so far.

"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Brian Cole

Don't fall asleep. Your face will be full of letters.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
F. P. Jones

Dead people are cool.

Support wild life - vote for an orgy!

A slipping sear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
in the August 1993 issue of PS magazine

I'm not in denial, I'm just selective about the reality I choose to acept.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

100,000 lemmings can't be wrong.

Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.

!retupmoc eht ni deppart m'I !pleH

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

Drive defensively -- buy a tank.

This is a great day for France!
Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

You say money can't make me happy? Prove it to me!

Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it.

My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.
Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

Would you like to ride on your own ass?
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand

Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.
George Carlin

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
H.L. Mencken

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it) but 'That's funny...'
Isaac Asimov

Please don't talk while I'm interrupting.
Gary Stewart

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

I'm a jelly doughnut.
John F. Kennedy, 'Ich bin ein Berliner'

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Ad of a Venetian laundry

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.