The Truth behind Kool-Aid Man
By James Grahn
Biologically, Kool-Aid man is an interesting subject.
He's losing blood!Firstly, note that "he" has an open circulatory system. His blood interacts directly with the air around him, meaning he has no need for lungs. Somewhere near his stubby legs, biologists believe, beats a heart that constantly stirs the blood so that the oxygenated blood can reach all parts of his body. Open circulatory systems are notorious for their poor overall performance, but Kool-Aid Man is at least capable of short bursts of activity, as seen in his commercials (he likely breaks through walls because he'd become exhausted going around the long way through doors).
Even more remarkable than the way his circulatory system functions, however, is the fact that his blood is actually is actually exposed over a large diameter to the air, something which has never been observed in any other organism. There's a good evolutionary reason for this: any blood thirsty bat or passerby with a straw could bleed him to death! Furthermore, tripping or falling over would undoubtedly prove fatal to Kool-Aid Man, as he would suffer much blood loss before he righted himself. Of further curiosity are the ice cubes in his blood. Obviously artificial, scientists have concluded that Kool-Aid Man must seek ice to lower his temperature, though what benefits he draws from this activity are unknown (perhaps it simply is his way of absorbing water when it is not raining).

With this information, we must conclude that this "Kool-Aid Man" is indeed an alien.
Consider that if this "man" were indeed an alien, that would certainly explain his unusual physical characteristics described above.
The following details about their planet we can surmise from his appearance, though they are educated guesses only.

1) No birds: Quite obviously, birds would pose a threat in a number of ways. Their droppings could contaminate the blood of the hapless people. Also, the blood of the Kool-Aid people would provide an ample source of nutrition to any birds flying about.
2) Silicon-based life: Well, glass is basically silicon, and that's the closest analogue on Earth to their skin composition. Silicon-based life has been theorized for years by scientists, but Kool-Aid Man would be the first specimen on record.
3) Lower average temperature than Earth: That would explain why he keeps himself stocked with ice in his blood.
4) Predators: Predators would help explain just why Kool-Aid people are capable of bursts of energy.
5) Geologically stable at least in certain regions: Earthquakes would knock everyone over, causing far to many deaths.
However, Kool-Aid Man is the only creature of his kind on Earth. This fact has led to the formation of several theories as to why:
1) The Super-Man theory: Perhaps all the Kool-Aid people were going to die so they sent their offspring to different stars.
What might have caused a holocaust?
a) A war. Bear in mind that such a war would revolve around the most advanced way of shattering glass or tipping each other over.
b) New predator tactics. Any predator that, say, figures out a way to tip Kool-Aid people over would have a devastating effect on their populace. This isn't very likely, though, for a race capable of star travel would probably have this problem licked.
c) Birds evolved. Disease spreads among Kool-Aid people because of contamination from bird droppings.
d) Earthquakes. Millions knocked on their backs die of blood loss.
2) The freak theory: Perhaps Kool-Aid Man is a fluke of genetic mutation, and was exiled from his own world. Explains all of the odd physical characteristics.
3) Explorer/Advance Team: Is Kool-Aid Man paving the way for an invasion?
4) Benevolence: Do the Kool-Aid people seed the stars with drink mascots as an act of kindness?
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